And The...

I find it interesting the way we deal with things. I suppose when I say we, I really mean me. But for as long as I can remember, movies and music have had the ability to deeply affect me. I know that sounds really stupid and art house-y, but it’s true for me.
I watch films and do one of three things. I watch and see the horrible acting and how much I don’t believe Timmy Blowjobber playing Karl Kumswap, then I sit there and bitch about it. Or all I see is how the director made horrible use of the lighting/set/scoring/editing process/plot devices, then I sit there and bitch about it. In those moments, I feel the need to take a step back and remind myself that this is Martin Scorsese working with Robert DeNiro and I’m just some fat kid sitting on a couch at 3 in the morning with Cheeto dust ground into my yellowing white T and he MIGHT have a little better feel for the craft than I.
The third thing I do is to not have that shit bother me and instead focus on the story and get drawn into it. (Plus I’ve learned to tolerate one bad actor in a cast telling a solid story.) I take the story and digest it. Allow it to pass over me. How does it make me feel? What evoked the greatest emotion? The story, the character’s relationships or just the ability of Adam Acadamy to make me believe that he really was Oscar Statue. Things like the restaurant scene in the Godfather stick with me. I remember the immediate reaction I had to the guy laid up in the bed who sat up in Se7en and it freaking me the fuck out. Even moreso is Michael coming out of the bathroom with more than his dick in his hand, then dropping the gun to his side on the walk out. I look at shit differently in my life that I used to did. I walk into a restaurant and wonder if it screams, romantic dinner or mob hit. That’s also usually a good metric to determine how a date is going to end…
Music is the same for me. I hear a song and think about the words in it. Don’t get it twisted I still love my jazz and jam bands. But I need words, though not all of them. I hear something like ‘Superstar’ by the Carpenters and think not of a guy on one knee proposing in some sappy love story. Not me. I think of the climax of a story wherein a couple has their ups and downs. And JUST as they’ve put the ills and poisons of the world behind them, she’s coming home after a long day of Christmas shopping for the kids, that song plays on the radio and that content smile crosses her lips, twinkle in her eye. Yet when she gets to her home, the cops are there. She knows immediately. Perry Provider was killed in a car accident.
Maybe none of what I’m saying makes any sense. Maybe it does. It does to me. At least I think it does. I say that because I’ve been agonizing over this or that the last few days. And I just watched a film that I hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t know when I sat down if it would be cathartic or if it would remind me of those agonies. After all, the most minute tidbits have been setting me off. But this…it put me at ease. Validated certain notions I’ve been carrying with me. I suppose I could have saved the both of us some time in just saying, ‘Yo I seen some shit and it opened my eyes, yo…’
Alas, ‘tis not my way. But it is the reason I write these scripts. The reason I point that camera at any number of actors who’ll allow me to film them. The reason why I get up in front of a camera and play Dylan Edgar or whoever else these directors want me to be. I’ve been told that emotion should play no part in what it is that I do up there on stage or in front of the camera. I get it. At the same time, I can’t run from it. I’m emotional. Always have been. I try to mix the emotions with the craft. And when I find the right balance……’I’d like to thank the Academy...’

Grateful Dead?

I’m including a link at the bottom of this paragraph. Before you click on it, I want you to mentally prepare for what you’re about to see. Sit down. Remove any collared shirts and ties. Take the laces out of your shoes, go place them in your bedroom then come back and click on this.


http://www.stubhub.com/the-dead-tickets/?ticket_id=170970579



Don’t continue to read until you’ve clicked that.

Are you fucking kidding me?
$13G’s to see the Grateful Dead? If I’m paying $13G’s to see them, I want Jerry on guitar. With guest appearances by John Lennon, Biggie Smalls – and a lil Jesus Christ mixed in. Ya know, just to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth.
Seriously though…has there ever been a clearer sign that hippies are dead? Have the Phish Phans infiltrated the movement so much that their greed is running shit for other bands now? Give me a fucking break. You should be able to get into this show if you have a giant bag of reefer, left your bra at home because it was holding you down or you have a stub from upstate NY circa 1969.
By the way, I refuse to refer to their ‘Phans’ as ‘Heads’. They’re biggest douche bags this side of child pornographers. They’re not in it for the music, they’re in it cuz it’s the cool thing to do. They wanted a response the ‘Grunge’ movement – Trey and the Boys obliged. Now their dickbag fans feel a sense of entitlement that in order to follow them you have to be a certain age or look a certain way. My point is, if I got a better grade in music class than your beloved frontman, suck my balls, learn an instrument. And for God’s sake – TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER!
I digress though. I didn’t mean to tangent there, I just had a bad experience with some Phans when I saw them as a kid. And any Phan I’ve met since has by and large fit the same bill, only now they try to pretend that it’s not happening.
In conclusion, don’t spend $13G’s to see a reincarnation of arguably the best live band of all time. Take that money and invest in your education. Or loan it to me so I can pay for mine…

My Ability to See the Future

I was going to come back in here on Friday night with about 2 minutes left in the first half when Robert Morris tied the game. Then I said, well I'll wait to see how the half finishes out. But am I glad I didn't gloat hard when the game was tied. MSU promptly ripped off a 21-0 run to end the first and start the second.
On a positive note, if it weren't for that ginormous slump, they would have had a chance. Of course that's like saying, if it weren't for Fat Man and Little Boy, Japan might have stood a chance in WWII. But I digress. Valiant effort by the boys from Pittsburgh International, alas too little too late. Even for a game called by Gus Johnson.
And where the hell were the upsets this weekend? The closest thing we have to a Dog in the round of 16 is AZ. No one said they belonged in the tourney and they'll be playing in the second weekend. So fuck you Mt St Mary's fans. Could you have beaten a seriously overmatched 13 seed who was still in a state of shock from beating an ACC 'contender'? Or a normal upset of a 12 over a 5 against a non-BCS also ran?
So here's a giant fuck you to all mid-majors. I hope George Mason had enough fun for all of you because the BCS commissioners will be damned if any of you EVER make it to their final four again.

Have no fear....

The Underdog is here...
I'm going to go out on a limb right now at 3:40PM on Friday afternoon. Pitt and WVU are playing at the same time. Here in the Burgh they're showing the WVU game on another local channel. We flipped away from the Panthers to check the Sisterfuckers vs Dayton - lo and behold, Gus Johnson is calling games from that site.
I was immediately excited because I knew where the day's upset was going to emanate from. Has there been a big upset he HASN'T called in recent memory. A quick check of the main bracket reveals that Robert Morris is playing the night cap in Minneapolis.
A quick aside, I was at the tourney in the Burgh some 10 years ago when Coppin State beat Univ of South Carolina as a 15 over 2 upset. It's something like one of only three times it's ever happened in the history of Dr. James Naismith. It was amazing to see that because the ENTIRE arena got behind Coppin even as their 'star' sat with fouls for most of the final frame. Everyone loves an underdog.
Back to my limb walking - Gus Johnson, Robert Morris as a 15....IDK it just feels right. So you know, I didn't pick this in my pools because IDK Gus was going to be their play by play man. But I'm calling it Bobby Moe over the Spartans. You heard it here first. Say hello to Mr. SixteenForSixteenOnDayOne...

...And I Hate Dogs!

Do yourself a favor and peruse this. It's pretty ordinary until you scroll down to the first paragraph under 'Personal Life'. This is exactly why I love wikee....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Morgan

Cuse-Conn Follow Up

I’m sitting here and there’s about an hour to tipoff in the Big East Championship which I likely won’t get to see because I don’t have cable and espn360.com doesn’t agree with my ISP – cork soakers. I wanted to get this posted before Syracuse lost and I’m happy they beat the Sisterfuckers, I mean Mountaineers last night in the Semis. I have to acknowledge the game that Boeheim’s boys played two nights ago against Calhoun’s Cunts.
I didn’t get to see any of regulation play because I was busy with work. But I did see the miracle shot that wasn’t. Devendorf’s three at the buzzer was thisclose to counting. I was hoping it was, for as you can tell I have an acute aversion to UConn basketball. (Except for Sue Bird – I love her and I sat next to her at a camp hosted by Swin Cash one day. Not even talking to her in any way shape or form is my biggest regret. I could stomach the WNBA for a shot to skeet on her shovelface. God I love her…I digress.)
The way that the Cuse fought back in each of the first couple OT’s was magnificent. As the announcers pointed out, the Orange didn’t have a post-regulation lead until that last frame. The Huskies would come out hot, then taper off and the Cuse would capitalize. They’d weather the Connecticut storm, then make a run of their own.
Fouls certainly played a huge role in the extra sessions. Devendorf going out led to a seldom used walk-on getting minutes. Kris Joseph was the only fresh set of legs on the court. Much as he helped, Joseph wasn’t the story of the night. Johnny Flynn was THE MAN. Kid was gettin it in from all over the court, logging 67 (SIXTY FUCKING SEVEN) minutes. Total court general, quite impressive for a sophomore. As awesome as he was, Paul Harris was on the other end of the spectrum. He was seemingly the only one who could get to the front of the rim, which was guarded for 53 minutes by the agonizingly overrated Hasheem Thabeet. When Thabeet went out, I remember thinking to myself that was the key to Cuse winning.
I was speechless when the Orange finally broke through to start the 6th OT. An 8-0 run. Thing was, Connecticut had opportunities, open looks, offensive boards. It took them 3 minutes to hit a shot. They looked like they had no fight left. Cuse was fighting for their Dancin’ Livelyhood, UConn – like Pitt before them and NC, MSU, UCLA since – was already into the tourney and pretty much set in stone. I don’t mean to slight the effort that UConn put forth, but the boys from Upstate NY just ‘wanted it more’ as the cliché goes. Again I’m rooting for the Orange tonight, mainly because I LOATHE the Louisville Cardinals and their douche bag filled fan base.

RIP Test

Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news – I felt it necessary to comment on the latest wrestling related death. Andrew Test Martin was found dead in his Florida apartment. The cause of death is as yet unknown, according to that articles I’ve read. An autopsy will be performed in the holes of answering that question.
As I sit here I can’t quite pinpoint what will be the legacy of Test/The Punisher. I think I remember him most from his storyline where he was to marry Stephanie McMahon. Triple H then interfered and he married a drugged out Steph and this led to the McMahon-Helmsley Era storyline. That however was some ten years ago now. Where does that leave him? Admittedly, I rarely find TNA on the dial so anything being done there falls on my indifference curve (thank God Christian Cage is back in the WWE – I missed the leader of the peeps). Therefore, Martin’s Punisher gimmick is lost on me. But he was there for less than a year so I don’t think that’s his legacy.
At the other end of the spectrum is how I really remember him. He was a presence. He had a great look. But I don’t ever perceive him as having been over, despite his working with the Rock, HHH and the McMahons. If you really want to trample the man’s grave you can say his was a career of unfulfilled talent. I don’t see it that way however. He never got the big push because he wasn’t that good on the mic.
I can hear you now running off the names of champs who weren’t good on the mic. Taker, Kane, Jeff Hardy, Mysterio, Benoit (which may or may not have ever happened if the VKM had his way [cocksucker…]), Lashley, Lesnar. The last two on that list is no longer with the company, no big loss. The first two on that list are so far over that they don’t need the strap, but were rewarded for their services. The two in the middle were just too good of workers to never hold a strap. Test was never that proficient in the ring. I think I found a place for Test in the books. He’s Kevin Nash without the mic skills. Kev has definitely deteriorated in terms of ring work, but he’ll always have a job because he’s great, nay classic, on the mic and a good to great storyteller in the ring.
I’m sure this won’t make the tombstone of Andrew Test/Punisher Martin. And it’s not intended to be chapter and verse on the man who was a son, cousin, nephew, friend outside the ring. It’s merely a reflective look at his career. And I meant what I sad in the most positive way. Sadly, this is how the film ends for Randy the Ram, nine times out of ten. RIP Andrew Martin.

And now a word from our President....

We’ve entered an odd era in the world. Economies are falling. Businesses are failing. Politicians are under [justified] scrutiny I’ve not seen in my lifetime. Warren Buffett has claimed this is the economic equivalent of Pearl Harbor. With Barry in charge I feel justified in saying we won’t go bombing a country full of brown people – I am however worried mi gentes in the Eastern bloc. In these times of crises, I present my personal professional sports state of the union. You know….to keep things in perspective…
I’m sick and tired of hearing about how great NASCAR races are. You can tell me about how sitting in the infield is just one giant party. There may be bee-hot-ches running around somewhere between topless to buck naked. At the base of all that, THEY’RE STILL FUCKING REDNECKS! I don’t like these people in my everyday life. Why would I like them stumbling around drunk watching a Honda driven car doing 2-bills making left turns for hours in the hot baking sun, burning rice so loud that I can’t hear myself getting drunk?
Hockey is another sporting event I could do without. I’ve been to a few games. It moves nice and fast. The guys slamming into the boards at mach-10 is pretty cool. Sitting behind the penalty box after a fight is splend-tacular. But Gary Bettman is a dick bag. They fucked up their product with too much expansion (see: franchises below the Manson-Nixon line). So they had to price out the Joe SixPacks (beer not abs) in order to stay afloat. That money dried up and their league damn near folded. I think moving a team from Winnipeg to Phoenix is the sports equivalent of what the Pilgrims did to the Natives…Sidebar – Fuck Wayne Gretzky’s winy little punk ass. Mario Lemieux is the greatest hockey player of all time. Sidebar to the sidebar – did you know that the Edmonton Oilers still exist? I didn’t know Edmonton still existed…
The NFL is in a unique position right now. They don’t have the steroid problem that the MLB has, though I’d say popular opinion is that an inordinate amount of players are juicing. They don’t have the financial problems that are looming over the NBA. They do however have a problem over public perception as it relates to player behavior, on and off field. Off the field, Pacman Jones marred the NBA All-Star Game in Vegas with his shenaniganz. Terrell Owens has left a trail of depleted franchises in his wake. Yet people were highly up in arms over the fact that Santonio Holmes wasn’t penalized after the game-winning TD catch in SB XLIII. The commissioner came out guns blazing like bank robbery in Heat. Fines the week after hits that weren’t penalized on Sunday. Troy Polamalu blasted the league and I think they threatened to make him cut his hair. They made the Roy Williams Rule after TO got hurt, but they haven’t made a Bernard Pollard Rule for diving at the QBs feet. Much as I hate Tom ‘the Goat’ Brady, it was a bullshit play and I’d be pissed if the same thing happened to B-Roe. But the league is chugging along, probably the league that stands to lose the least in these dire financial times.
I’ve put my thoughts on baseball in this space before. I’ll not rehash my extreme displeasure with our ‘national past time’ ‘here’ ‘again’. (I made it 550 words before it crept up on me.) I will share a new thought though this time around. The crack of the bat. The smell of the fresh cut grass. The peanut shells at my feet. Sitting in the outfield bleachers with the sun setting over the far side baseline blinding me. Day night double headers. For all the bullshit I hate about the game, I love going to see it live. There’s nothing like it. It’s my number two favorite to watch in person. Me and the Horsemen have got to do a tour of stadiums.
All of which brings me to my favorite sport, basketball. I love basketball on all levels. It’s so beautiful, the motion, the speed, the jaw dropping highlights. It’s so simple that you need only a rubber ball and a cylinder to play in the street. Nothing else. I’ve played in $20 sneakers, $150 limousines for the feet and work boots. At the professional level, the general consensus is that it’s not as complete a game as the college level. This is so true. The L is definitely full of guys who aren’t defensive stalwarts. They may lack in one aspect of the game or another. But they all score A++ on at least one end of the court. And the best players, Bron, Kobe, Wade, are proficient on both ends of the court. They spread the wealth and make the others around them better, except maybe Kobe – but his defense is legitimately the best in the league. Plus they’re all fast as shit. Watch these guys’ first steps. It’s no wonder people watching call for travelling all the time, the eye can’t necessarily keep up with the motion. The league is however going to feel the financial strain. Commissioner David Stern, best in pro sports, came out over All Star weekend and said the salary cap was going to shrink. I love that Zach Randolph trade more now than I did then. Rumor has it that Luxury boxes are going unused in certain arenas on certain nights. Think about it, season ticket monies were due before the financial crises was in full swing. It was a sunk coast for the 08-09 season, so why splurge on gas, parking, souvenirs and concessions? What does this mean for next year? Are we going to get to the point where teams start to fold? That’s some heavy shit right there. I’ve heard Pittsburgh popping up in discussions to take over a franchise, in addition to Kansas City. I’ll not speak for anything beyond the home of SIX Lombardi trophies, but I can’t see it happening. The city isn’t in good financial standing but there is the gaming money set to come rolling in. there will be a new arena for the local hockey franchise. The resurgence of Pitt basketball has helped spark a new love for the game in the city. But the city was home to the Pittsburgh Piranhas in 94. Granted, they played at the AJ Palumbo Center (home to the Duquesne University Dukes, BANG BANG!) which is a terrible place to watch anything. They did however go to the CBA Finals in the lone season of existence. That didn’t help because no one went to their games and the team folded. And they were good. So I won’t count the Burgh among possibilities to be the future home of the Memphis Grizzlies. In the end, I think my favorite league is going to have a lot to deal with in the coming seasons (CBA expiration looming). And I pray they don’t start taking teams overseas. But they might have to in order to keep from losing anyone of real substance to foreign franchises with deep pockets.
I know I’m a little long winded when it comes to Dr. Naismith’s creation, but I am passionate about it. Pro sports are fucked, top to bottom. NASCAR isn’t a real sport, but it’s watched by a lot of mother fuckers. Hockey is going to have problems not pricing out their main fan base. Baseball has a huge public perception problem. Basketball is going to have cash flow issues. Football is likely the most recession proof because damn near everyone loves it. But the fans will tire of idiotic antics and self made problems solved by midweek fines. I wish I could say that teams weren’t going to move or fold, but we’re headed that way. We’re going to end up watching Rollerball style death games on the BBC while the head of Dan Rather reads the news to us as a hologram in our living rooms.

The Problem of Public Parking

I have to admit I think I waste more gas looking for parking than anything else. I don’t know exactly how long it took me last night to get a space. But I’m certain it was longer than necessary. I was doing lap after lap looking for 14 linear feet of space and couldn’t fucking find any. Really? An ’87 Honda Civic and there’s no room in Hoboken for it? Shenaniganz!
I blame this mainly on the inability of the general populace to Parallel Park. I know it’s part of the driving test, but the standards should be raised. You should be able to get a license without the ability to Parallel Park but I think your license should come with a caveat of some sort. You can’t do any city driving – unless you’re going to shell out the money for a garage.
And if you don’t want to dish the dough for the garage, you have to leave your car in neutral without your parking brake so I can nudge your car forward or backward to fit my little piece of shit in the space.
I’m not claiming to be a visionary with this idea. I heard about it from Hollywood when he was telling me about visiting his cousin in Queens in the 60s/70s. They used to do this in NYC. I thought this was the greatest thing I’d ever heard. How many times have you circled the block looking to drop your car in a space only to notice that some douche bag doesn’t understand the concept of pulling to the front of a space? That in my eyes is the most egregious error of street parking.
I remember when I was living back on Monroe, there was a guy with a nice vintage Mercedes coupe. He used to park in front of the building next to mine between two garage doors. It was the perfect spot for two small cars. Being that he had one, you think he’d be considerate enough to park so as someone else could fit ahead or behind him. No. that wasn’t in his plans. This cock monger would park directly between the two so only he could fit.
I understand the concept of wanting to preserve one’s bumper-al integrity, but if you’re going to drop coin on a nice classic car how about you spring for the $200/month for a garage/private space. And why is a dent your concern when someone would rather steal it than ding it – or what about getting side swiped by a drunk driver? I’m brimming with questions.
It’s funny how this and other societal injustices behoove me, yet I believe in an eye for an eye – I’ll crush your fucking skull for checking out my boy’s girl. Okay, maybe that’s not an eye for an eye…but I still maintain that we’ve reached rock bottom as a species when people can’t even be considerate enough to allow others to decommission their vehicles for a nocturne in a space centrally located to their domicile…

As Alex's Hip Turns

Alright, so I’ve been checking in about this whole A-Roid saga and giving Alex a bunch of shit over the whole saga. Now that the dust has settled and the truths have been dished, I wanted to weigh back in. we now have the ‘facts’ and it’s ‘time’ to ‘dissect’ the future. [Fuck…]
The recovery time is somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-10 weeks. The discrepancy comes from the different parties. A-Rod’s brother [who has a different last name that’s not even Hispanic] said that it’s a 10-week recovery process. The Yankees have said 9 and the doctors have said as few as 6. He’s supposed to be back swinging in the box after 7 days. All this is moot though because this is a band-aid on a heart attack solution. The Sultan of Steroids is going to need another more intensive surgery in the fall. That surgery might keep him out of the 2009 opening day lineup as well. Whatever the deal is, I think there are some truths to be assessed and handed down. Who better to tell you the truth than Mr. NewFace himself? Without further ado…
There’s a guy by the name of Cody Ransom who’s going to step in a play third. I can’t claim to know how the line up is going to set out, but it’s interesting to think that they’ve added some depth in the outfield which means Godzirra doesn’t have to play the field everyday, which in turn means he can let his bat do the work [and not his knees, wow that was not supposed to be an oral sex joke]. So they’re *obviously* not going to replace the bat of Alex Rodriguez, but with some of the elder statesmen healthy and a [switch hitting] Mark Teixiera replacing Giambs, I tend to fall on the side that they can weather the storm of losing Alex. Especially when you look at the schedule….
Item number two, the first month of the season for the Yanks goes as follows – at Bal, KC, TB, home for Cle, Oak, at Bos and Det. Those are a lot of winnable games the Bombers have right off the top of the list. This could be a great time for Ransom and some of the others to get reps in a low impact setting. I can’t imagine them repeating last season’s early [and ultimately dooming] performance – not with that vegetarian’s row to start the year off.
I’m even dumb enough to think that they’ll start to struggle when A-Roid returns. They start off May with the Angels, Red Sox and Rays. I can envision that run ending 2-5 for when they hit the road to play Baltimore and Toronto. I’m a big fan of the Bill Simmons ‘Ewing Theory’. This Yankees teams reeks of that. he’s a huge contract that has become a big distraction with the Steroids Circus. Losing him hurts in the department of making Tex better, but with Matsui just DH’ing – the might be able to cover him enough to make the line up work.
As previously mentioned, A-Roid is going to need another surgery. Envisioning his May return [see above], I can also see a rough road in June/July. All of which leads me to believe that he’ll pack it in after they get swept at home by the Red Sox in early August. The will be too much. The NY media will be ripping A-Roid for not returning to his earlier career form. A sweep at home to the behated Beantown Marauders will be too much for him to come back from. He’ll decide right then that he needs the surgery right then and there, so that he can be back in time for Opening Day 2010. I’d love to say they’d continue to get better with him out of the lineup late in the season, but it might be too much of an uphill climb to make that late in the year. So my Ewing Theory might be too overmatched to work.
I must admit that it sounds kind of convoluted, but I think the Yanks will start hot without A-Roid. Then they’ll tail off he returns and the schedule gets tougher. He’ll bail in the dog days of August when they get swept by the BoSox. The Bombers will then have their work cut out for them to get into October. I’m not saying they won’t make the post season – I’m just skeptical. This goes a lot further than the Madonna-Ritchie homewrecker. I don’t think CC Sabathia will be the lefty at the top of the staff that Hank expects him to be. Ditto the middle relief. Any rate, here’s to another great summer of me bitching. Fuck Your Butt Alex Rodriguez!

Cases and Cakes

The thing I missed most about house parties has been the rampant smell of stale beer. I awoke this morning at 5am to the sound of some jackass making love to his car horn. Thank God I was able to get back to my sound slumber. Next thing I know my clock is reading 8am and the cellie says it’s 9. I was slightly confused, then I remember today was spring ahead. I ‘lost’ an ‘hour’ of ‘sleep’. [DAMNIT! Do they have a 12-step to fix that or what?]
So I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was a success. I’m not hungover this morning. I know it sounds a little odd, but it’s because I was hungover as shit at 11o’clock last night. I ended up laying here on the couch last night watching SNL when Barnes called me to check in. Kid Ireland couldn’t make it up this weekend, but he’ll be here NEXT weekend – when coincidentally it will actually be St. Patty’s Day. So I have that to look forward to, which is nice...
I really wanted to come out here and note however that ALL of my predictions were wrong. My peoples of course got caught up here or there so we didn’t really get to catch up. Add that to the fact that I wasn’t about to go and spend my money on a $30 cover then a fucking bar tab. And we really weren’t going to see each other.
The day started as any day does. I woke up, mixed some pancake batter and had a beer. We had our first car bomb at 10:30 and it just went from there. By noon, I was hanging out the window yelling for women to bare their breasts, cursing out some assholes in Red Sox gear and making friends from two stories up. The parade started and I watched the Pitt game. I had no desire to watch the bands pass by. I was content to hear the bag pipes while watching the Panthers weather the second half surge of the Huskies and still come out on top.
Then came the shit show. We started playing cards. You know me, I run shit when it comes to cards. So I was doing my normal schtick, cracking jokes, dealing, telling the rules as we went along. And it came to my attention after the fact that I was scaring the normals. I guess I can be intimidating – who knew? I held on a little too long while playing fuck the dealer and I went through the entire deck. Next thing I know I’m sitting here still with my sunglasses on and some girl’s scarf, claiming to be the lost Jonas brother.
I think I can honestly say a good time was had by all. The party dwindled. The drama kicked in – on multiple fronts. And it was mainly the regulars chilling around the crib. We ordered some Benny’s and sat around waiting for it, when Abel dropped in. The food eventually came and we supped on some half warm Italian cuisine. Some of the boys were heading out to our favorite dive, they invited me. But that was it for me. I was way too hungover to go be a functional member of a drunken society. So I laid on the couch, traded some texts, took some phone calls and watched half of SNL. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have an Activia to keep me regular…
As an aside, I’ve recently discovered Hulu. I generally watch SNL clips, especially Lonely Island shorts. This morning I saw they have Rocky III in its entirety. I’ve never seen it all the way through. I just wanted to note that I think Hulk did more wrestling moves in that movie than he’s ever done in real life. And I still hate Talia Shire. And Gretchen Mol.

My Berfday+Jesus Berfday+Potatoes Berfday = Today

For those of you who don't know - and judging by my readership, it's not a lot - today is the Hoboken Day Parade. It's a faux St Patty's Day for all you micks and us non potato eating clowns. I for one am certain that today is just going to be another in a long line of what 'I' like to 'call' a 'shitshow'. [Damnit, I thought I had that under control.]
So the other day I looked at the roommie and told her, 'No matter what I say, don't let me start a fire.' [There is a fire place in here, I'm not just going to have a barrel fire in the middle of the apt...] Well last night as we're cleaning I have an epiphany and shout 'OOOOOOOH, let's make a fire!' And she proceeds to tell me that I already told her NOT to let me do that. I didn't even wait til I was drunk to have a bad idea this time...With that in mind I'd like to make a few more for the day.
~One of the people I invited here will break something. [Who am I kidding? It's going to be me...]
~I know a person who will attempt to urinate on my clothes again. [Assuming he's here later]
~I will again attempt to get a fire in the fire place.
~I'll break a dining room chair.
~If there just so happens to be a 17 y.o. girl in the vicinity, I will unknowingly strike up a conversation with her. Then I'll be royally disappointed when I realize it and make the decision to talk to her over the course of the next few months or just let it go.
~The fucking toilet is going to ruin us. I might as well just throw on my Mario overalls now cuz I'm going to be dealing with that shit alllllll day.
~We're going to run out. We sat here last night and couldn't think of who all would possibly be here. So we're going to end up with like 100 people and be the place to be.
~We're going to bring up random be-hot-ches from the street.
~Someone I don't care to see today is going to call me to see what I'm doing - maybe wanna hang out. I'll give in. Cuz I'm a masochist.
~My plan is to pass out by 3PM. Up at 8PM. Late night movie - 2 or 3AM. But I know I'm going to make it to like 7 and that'll be my night. Then I'll miss out on the late night debauchery.
~EVERYONE involved with the shoot tomorrow is going to be really banged up.
~I'm going to forget that Morty is at the Pitt-UConn game. Even though it's only two hours from now.
~Someone is going lock themselves in the bathroom and pass out on the floor.
I think that's enough for now. I wish I could make prop bets for the day....I'd get rich off this shit. I'ma go make green pancakes and crack a beer. ONE.

Mr. Redicc

I put up a news segment the other day. There was a lot of feedback that came to me on it. I sent it out to just about everyone I know because I was *finally* comfortable with the quality we came out with. I don’t mean to bash the first two or the hard work of others. But it’s going to be an evolving process. I’m doing this thing off the top of my head. I’m going to find my humor again. I’m going to start dropping my quotables again. it’s all going to fall into place, then Lorne Michaels is going to see it and know that he HAS to have me on SNL.
I digress because 99% of that paragraph is true [I’ll let you figure out the 1% - you’re (relatively) smart]. But it’s been a good part of getting myself back on track. I’ve been able to reach back to a part of my past that was positive and a good outlet. Now I’m doing it on a larger scale. More people can/will watch it [hopefully].
But it got me to thinking. The first two editions were tough to watch because it was like a live audition. I was trying out my jokes, like I said I’m still finding my voice. Then I made a stereotypical racially motivated joke about two young black men lost at sea. And it just cracked me the fuck up. I haven’t been outlandish in a long fucking time. Then we were at the bar last night and I was making a total ass out of myself. Making fun of people I didn’t know, we had rotating groups of people around us while we played darts, the boys getting them 412s – it was a good night.
NowI wake up this morming and I’m going to be getting ready for tomorrow’s parade party activities, but I decided to navigate the interweb real quick and I read an SG mailbag and I was scouring YouTube for some music. One search leads to another and I found my way to the new Eminem song. He introduces himself with a record 17 rapes, 400 assaults and 4 murders. And I realized that I’m not alone. Dude’s been out the game for a couple years now – not to say that he fell off but he just wasn’t there.
I used to catch shit from the boys because of my affinity to hip hop and Eminem. I never wanted to lump myself in with him. I always denied that he’s my favorite rapper. And I can’t in good faith say he’s not. I usually give an answer like BIG or Jay, but I think it might really be ‘Kast. But Marshall Bruce Mathers III had a profound effect on me. Dude’s the Frank Zappa of rap. Just crazy outlandish shit came from his music. And it inspired me. Always has. I’ve always been one to say ridiculous shit. Most people looked at me like I was out my mind. Chances are they’re right. But there has to be someone you point to as saying the shit you don’t.
For me that was Eminem. I’ve never made a record about killing a former significant other. But I told a girl last night that I drove a windowless van that I parked out back and asked if she’d like to join me. [I swear to God there was a context for it, but I’d rather leave you shaking your head.] Later I told her I’d fight any woman no matter how short or thin she may be. So yea, Mr. Redicc is making a comeback. Here’s to hoping he eliminates Mr. Drinkswaaaaaaytoomuch. But I think the two go hand in handcuffed mother fucking hand. Fuck your butt, Alex Rodriguez!

FUBAR

Anyone who knows me knows a couple things about me. I love basketball, the Steelers, Miller Lite, WWE, tequila. I hate whitey, country music, republicanism and baseball. Well, hate might be too strong a word for how I feel because I do enjoy going to a game with my peeps [Instant Classic is back!]. But overall, I hate baseball because it’s so fucking long. It’s untimed. Pitchers should never [E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ver] swing a bat. The AL is far superior. And Cal Ripken’s streak is not as impressive as Brett Favre’s.
I know you’ve heard this rant before, I’m sorry to rehash. But Alex Rodriquez really got me going. First the whole steroid thing and he throws his cousin under the bus. Then he had the balls to be seen around Fla with Cousin Balky after a game. Now he’s got the hip injury and pending surgery. We learn from skipper Joe [Don’t get too excited my last name is different] Girardi that A-Roid had a hip problem last season. I guess he couldn’t get this procedure done over the winter break because he was too busy receiving lip purpling treatments.
The latest thing I want to talk about with him though are his comments to the NY Post. Really, Alex? Really? You’d rather have Jose Reyes in your lineup? I suppose the four rings that DJ won BEFORE you got there are meaningless? A-Job corrected himself to say that he meant it as a compliment to Reyes for being a good young ballplayer. But did he really think it was a good idea to tout the crosstowner over Mr. November? [Not Duane Zackimore.]
I think I’m going to start a campaign to get Blow-Job to give back some of his ill gotten monies. I’ll start a spacebook group called FUBAR. I’ll write letters to the Yankees new office in Downtown Hell. I’ll show up for BP sessions when I don’t have a ticket and hang out at the player’s entrance just to harass him. I’ll go buy a game worn Jeter jersey and run up to Alex and give him a hug, hoping that something good will rub off on him – that or it’ll linger too long and fire one off unintentionally. And maybe I’ll even get some of that Jeter mojo and girls will like me. [Smell that? You call it success. I call it reaping the benefits of another man’s hard work.]
I know you’re thinking to yourself, Mr. Yasko, Mr. Yasko, how will you be able to do all this charitable work and still hold down a steady job? Not to fear, I am unemployable. And seeing how as I’ll be donating my time for this, I can still collect unemployment to pay the bills. Therefore I’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to my newest noble cause – FUCK YOUR BUTT, ALEX RODRIGUEZ!

Me Fail English?

I laid out my predictions recently, thinking they would realign the brands BEFORE the Super Bowl of wrestling. I am quite so misinformed. For some reason I thought the WWE 09 Draft was going to take place this past Monday. Upon further review, they're going to hold the draft on April 13, 2009 - two Mondays after WrestleMania 25. I guess they're having and 'interpromotional' main event as a way to 'get the band back together'. [Oh no, there I 'go' again...] How can you have a WM main event that isn't called by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler? They're still hands down the best duo in the biz - granted there isn't much competion because Mike Tenay is too much of a smarmy little cunt. [Where is the Living Legend Larry Zbyszko?] You gotta have JR shouting, "My God! My God!" as Hunter goes for the double under hook. And the King taking the side of Randy, touting the pitfalls of suffering from explosive anger disorder [or whatever the hell it's called]. I don't want to get ahead of myself with a WM preview now...I'll be back with that when more of the matches are announced. I just wanted to correct my error.