Say With Me Now; Bow-Day-Guh

So I said the other day that Den, Dal and Phx wouldn’t ALL get swept. I was right, but at the same time I was wrong. In making that statement, I was tryna point out that those three teams wouldn’t just roll over and die. Boy was I wrong. I haven’t seen anything German fall so quickly since the Nazis in WWII (go ahead wikee it, German forces surrendered on 4/29, Hitler killed himself 4/30 and Germany surrendered on 5/7). Phoenix was the onliest one of the group to even muster the cojones to fight a little bit. They were up in games 1+2. They just couldn’t close. I thought for sure that scrappy little Canadian and his large black friends would at least get us to a game 6. Again I was wrong. And the Lakers-Nuggets series wasn’t even long enough to enjoy Kobe’s triumphant return to Colorado. Shame on you Carmelo for not allowing me the joy of a game 6 Kobe in Denver. Though you did give me the DUI (I’m willing to bet that Melo didn’t say what he was drinking…NO SNITCHIN!), so I guess we’re even. On a positive note, all Dallas area bodegas are excitedly awaiting the return of Black Ass…Hey do you think Avery’s name will come up for the NYK job?

Simpson's Family Lessons

So I'm watching the Simpsons tonight and it's the episode where Bart steals the video game. He gets caught; and is banned from the local TryNSave 4 life. Then Marge plans the family XMas photo at the same store. The local yokel security guard catches Bart and shows the tape. Marge thinks she's smothering Bart with her mothering. So she stops and he misses his youth. He eventually returns to the store and pays for his own portrait as Marge's XMas gift.
This helped me come to a certain realization. The Simpsons has been around so long that I can do what Homer did. Park my kids in front of the TV and hope they'll turn out TV. Think about it, I can show them this episode when they get of age to want things. But why stop there? I'm sure if I combed the Sippy's archive, I could find episodes for everything. There's the one where Lisa is cheating and comes clean. 'I know a bar where we can cash this big check!' There's the one where Bart shoots the bird then tries to hide it from Marge. The one where they all pitch in to rebuild the Flanders' house after the storm. And the one where the Reverend's daughter--and Bart's GF--steals from the church. I mean I can raise a child by preemptively showing them Sippy's episodes. Hoping to keep them from doing their own dumb shit. Maybe that's the way to go. Yo Barnes, can we try this out with Brea? Miggy let's use Addy, Vannah is too old to start now. It'll be like the new Jedi training. You have your missions gentlemen. Godspeed.

Truth, Justice & the American Way

What is truth? It’s the account of an event with our own twist to it. It’s the version of reality we have built up in our own minds. Having individual truths doesn’t make any of them more or less right. More or less credible. It simply means that truth isn’t always as clear cut as you might think.
As I write this, three NYPD officers have been cleared of all charges in the Sean Bell shooting incident. The facts of the case remain simple. The defendants claim to be moral upstanding lawmen serving and protects as three petty thugs gunned their way down a Queens street leaving a strip club. There was no weapon found in Bell’s car. The prosecution contends that three men merely celebrating their friend’s impending nuptials were gunned down by three power hungry, blood thirsty, trigger happy cops. Two of which who are black.
As a guy who’s been through affairs of various consequence, though none with as much at stake as this, I’m of the mind that the truth lie somewhere in between. I don’t doubt the cops over reacted. (50 fucking shots, 1 kill and another of the victims got shot 16 times—none fatal? Step your game up NYPD) I don’t doubt that the victims did something to pique the officer’s interest.
And interesting of all is the last sentence from two paragraphs ago. “Two of which are black.” (Is it copacetic to quote yourself?) If this were a case of white cops and three “people of color”, I think the reaction may be different. It may be more violent. The KKK might be standing near the front of the courthouse espousing that all n!&&ers are nothing short of petty thugs blasting their way down the silent blocks of the American Heartland. The family, friends and those with a general disdain of law enforcement officials might be rioting and the NYPD might respond with riot squads instead of guys in polo shirts. But two of the cops are black. So we’re left with Rev. Al Sharpton speaking for the family and asking that no violence be carried out in Sean Bell’s name, memory or visage.
But maybe this is the time for protest. The time when there is no ulterior motive. There is no ‘white cops walking the beat in a black neighborhood with itchy trigger fingers and a disdain for rap music’. It’s black victims and 2/3 black cops. Maybe the communities should call a truce and fight for a common cause. The outraged families and those of other questionable shootings coming together along with people like you and I questioning the tactics of the NYPD. Maybe that same KKK should be standing out front calling black cops n!&&ers same as they would the petty thugs.
Or maybe the facts of the case are simpler. There were three NYPD officers who unloaded 50 rounds into a carful of guys out for their friend’s bachelor party with no weapons. There was no justice on 11/25/06 and there was no justice on 4/25/08.

That Tiger Went Tiger!

So maybe it was a bear not a tiger but I think the Chris Rock reference still fits. Any rate, the bear who Will Ferrell wrestled in SemiPro killed his handler Steven Miller. I have a couple thoughts on this topic.

1. The bear was merely months late with its animal instinct kicking in. He should have done this on set so I wouldn't have to put up with the Will Ferrell remake of Hong Kong Phooey or whatever he's working on next. I like Will Ferrell in Old School, but I didn't care for Anchorman--except the erection scene. And it's been all downhill since then.
2. Smokey apparently is not a smoker, a joker or a midnight toker. And he doesn't want to fly like an eagle. Nor does he want to keep on a-rocking, rockin me bay-bah.
3. Please note that the San Bernadino Cty Sherrif's spokesman's name is Cindy Beavers. IDK if that's a great porno name or the name of a lesbian hermaphrodite...
4. And now there's backlash on Hollywood for using trained animals. I guess we should just let all animals run free and gnaw at the heads of our babies for this was their land first. Fuck PETA. Probably the samest mother fuckers during Katrina who complained that dogs weren't getting enough food and water. What about the PEOPLE? (Ed's Note: Dylan would like to apologize to PETA. He just thinks they're giant animal loving douches. He thinks animals have their place and it's below people on the food chain so they should be happy to be taken in and fed by us.)

I know that sounds kinda harsh to say about Will Ferrell but if I have to endure another Bewitched-esque venture from him, I might attack my trainer and bite his fucking jugular. And here's the link to the story:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080423/ap_on_re_us/grizzly_attack

PS--Sorry Barnes, I just don't think Ferrell is THAT funny....

The Champ is Where?

Preface: I am a huge Randy Orton fan. I have no problem with him currently holding the strap. I have no qualms with him being the youngest champ in history. My beef is not with him or his achievements. It is with the storylines given him by WWE creative.
For starters he was awarded the strap when Cena went down. He promptly lost to HHH who beat Umaga in his second match of the night. Then the main event saw Hunter-Orton in a Last Man standing match. I don’t give a good goddamn how scripted this shit is, you put on 3 matches in one night. Orton then went on to a string of tainted Ws. WM24 was the second time we saw Orton with a decent win in his reign. But he never got to use his finisher. He picked his moment and booted Hunter, allowing him the cover on Cena who just suffered a pedigree.
My beef with this string of matches is that the WWE devalued their A title by having him take DQ losses to keep the strap. They had him get pinned on Raw in tag team matches. It just seemed to me that they put him in position to be a paper champion. I have been waiting to see when exactly they intend to put him over as their top dog. And it never happens. I’m glad someone upstairs declared that they’d only have long title runs now. But apparently is pissed off at Randy and doesn’t want him to go over the established guys who have more history than him. Check it out, through his title reign, he has clean defense wins over Jeff Hardy (not previously a main eventer) & John Cena (#1 babyface, but not tenured significantly more than Orton).
Now we appear to be mired in this, ‘we don’t know who we want fighting for the strap so we’re going to continue to just throw mother fuckers together until we find a good fit’ cycle of matches. WM should have been HHH/Orton until Cena came back early @ RR. Now we go to Backlash with the same 3 and JBL included. Maybe the problem is JBL. Dude’s been out for how long now, calling matches on Friday night? They scrapped the JBL-Y2J program cuz their match was so bad @ RR. So they decided to place Y2J in a program with Hardy (WHOOPS!) but had nothing else for JBL to do. So here we are with a Fatal Four way elimination match just so JBL doesn’t have to be carried—AGAIN.
I guess I’m hoping that BL goes such that JBL is eliminated first by HHH, who is then surprised by Cena for an STFU. Then we have Orton beat Cena (can we get one clean W from our champ?). Then please send Cena to shoot 16 Rounds and get us to Orton v. Hunter. I know I should quit my bitching, but my point is simply this:
Why have a guy as your champion if you won’t put him over your stars? The champ should go over EVERYONE in his reign. That’s why he’s champ. And if you’re going to have him cheat, let him get away with it a la Eddie. And if you’re not willing to put him over the top guys, then please have him lose. But don’t take a guy who can carry your promotion through the next decade+ and put him in a weak position because your A listers don’t want to give up their ‘spot’.
Where can I return my soapbox?

NBA Playoffs

That's that Ohhhh Whee! The NBA Playoffs are underway and I have neglected the L recently. I still don't have much to say as I'm not a 'sports writer'. But I'm not too upset about that cuz most of them are fat slobs or come off as petulant little girls (Ed. Note: Except Gammons, Peter; Cope, Myron). Here's my break down:

1. We here at DylanCorp effed Houston in the A when I wrote about the impressiveness of their win streak. Sorry T-Mac that you won't get out of the first round again. No - no, over here Tracy. To your left.
2. There is no ceiling for the Detroit Pistons this post season. They might come out in Game 2 and promptly rip off 12 straight wins en route to the NBA Finals. They might come out and lose in 4 or 7. And if they lose to this 6ers squad, the post series press conference could be amazing. I mean, Mr. BothTeamsPlayedHard is fully involved here. He blew a bunny to win. He entered Philly's huddle down 2 with 0:11 to play. Plus there's the interesting sidebar of Flip Saunder's future. Did you HEAR the boo's at the Palace at the end of game 1? This is the place that gave us the Malice in the Palace not even 4 years ago. And that was in a Nov game vs. a clearly superior Pacers squad. What would happen if they lose in 7 to a wildly underrated 76ers squad. Moe Cheeks for President. Yes he can!
3. The West could get wild and wacky. Can PHX bounce back from just screwing the pooch in game 1? Does Dallas have an answer for NO? Why didn't Dirk get testy when XMan David West put his hands in Dirk's face? Can ANYONE in this league stop the 3 headed monster that is the LA Lakers? San Antone is the only one I can see doing it 4 times in two weeks from the WC. I think the East Conf champ might could if Det or Bos make it out. (Ed's Note: Disregard Det if they don't beat Phi before game 7.)
4. The East is interesting if Bos/Det can sleepwalk through the playoffs relatively unscathed. I know the Pistons lost once, but they and Boston still have the best chance to match up with the West squads. I say this because these two seem to have the best ability to control the tempo of the game and the most firepower to counter whomever reps the West. And I say relatively unscathed because the West bracket is going to be a war. You're nuts if you think that PHX, Den and Dal are getting swept. And that's just the first round. Imagine LA/Utah or SA/NO in the second round. Yea--battle. Look at how teams that waged wars did in the NCAA tourney. And that was in one and dones. This is a system built to deny major upsets and crown the BEST basketball team in the world. Remember, before GS beat Dal, the last no. 8 to beat a 1 was Deke's Nuggets vs Seattle.
5. Orlando is a big XFactor here. They're young, but there's no reason they can't make big noise in the next 3-4 weeks. LeBron went to the Finals with less help than Danny Manning's Jayhawks. D-Ho, Jameer, Hedo & Rashard is fairly formidable. At least as a second tier team, following up the Boston 3 Party and Detroit's lineup.

Oh shit, it's Wayne Brady son!

I'm Wayne Brady bitch! I can only imagine that's what he said at his divorce preceedings. Imagine. Or hope? I don't know which is the proper term in this instance. But Mr. MakesBryantGumbleLookLikeMalcolmX is divorced after years of separation. I'm glad to hear however that he and the Ex Mrs. will be raising their daughter together. I wonder if she had enough of him being out late night pimpin and str8 thuggin?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080417/ap_en_ot/people_wayne_brady

Break yo'self fool!

Remember the Titan

I can remember growing up and having a soft spot for the 90’s Tennessee Titans teams. Maybe it was the Jeff Fisher-Bill Cowher resemblance. Maybe it was the cool blue uni’s [which I always thought were superior to any the Oilers ever wore, and blue is my favorite hue]. The ‘T’ may have looked like a thumbtack with a propensity for matches, but it was a good contrast to the norm of the No Fun League at the time [which has since been killed by the travesties in Buffalo and Arizona]. Maybe it was the aptly named ‘Freak’ Jevon Kerse, whose home jersey I rocked on a weekly basis back in the day. There was just something clean about that jersey with the big 90 on it. He was Julius Peppers before Julius Peppers. Both clean guys. The anti-Pacmans. [Interesting to note that Freak and Pacman will have never crossed paths in Tennessee when Jones’ trade to Dallas goes through.] Maybe it was Eddie George, the only alum of THE Ohio State University I ever liked. I remember watching Eddie in the red and silver, the only times I rooted for the Buckeyes over the Wolverines. I loved Eddie’s style and was glad to see him win the Pose.
Most of all though, I think it was Steve McNair. I remember a few years ago, as he was battling yet another sternum injury and not missing a game, conversing with someone as to the toughness of a ‘middle aged’ McNair. I thought he was the toughest SOB this side of Brett Favre. The other guy argued he was a pussy, why else would he always be hurt? I conceded such but countered with the fact that in 7 years he missed only 8 games, 5 in 99. Then came 2004 and he played only half a season. He played the next year in Tennessee, but he was a lame duck QB and at the end of the season it seemed apparent. He landed in Baltimore and spanked my Black N Gold boys around twice that year, same as he had in the old AFC Central. I always hated playing the Titans back in the day. Mainly cuz I knew that number 9 always had us right where he wanted us. And there’s always the Music City Miracle. I know McNair had nothing to do with the play, but he’s the Q of record and will always be attached to the game. Then falling merely a yard short of history in SB 34.
McNair was Vick minus bravado, but with more arm and class. McNair and McNabb were the bridge from Williams and Cunningham to this generation. As for the future, who knows? It wasn’t MDotVick. Maybe it will be VY, maybe JaMarcus Russell. All I know is, either of them, or anyone else for that matter, has big shoes to fill. And hopefully a sturdier sternum…

Guess Who?

Lemme see if I get this straight. Win NCAA chip Freshman year. Named MOP of said NCAA tourney. Jump to NBA, land in Denver. Replicate KG’s career through first few years while starting to look like Vin Baker. Get teamed up with greatest streetball-hardwood player in the history of histories. Skip out on long term extension after 3 years, stealing LeBron’s thunder. Wed beautiful MTv host, knock her up and have cute lil babies that hopefully don’t look like your goofy Michelin-all-weather-hair having ass. Then get arrested for DUI, deny special treatment and apologize for it. Best of all, call the aforementioned VJ to bail your ass outta jail and she comes for you....then tells your sorry ass to find your own way home.
The NBA, where ‘I don’t give a fuck how much money you got playa, these yo’ babies—why you out til 3 on a mother fucking Sunday?’ happens. Someone cue up the piano...

WM Fallout

No, not the kind of fallout that hit the people in the upper deck. [I kill myself.] I know I promised a post-WM WWE booking plan but I’m still kinda pissed at them. I knew that HBK was going to beat Flair. But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it to happen. I was quite pleasantly surprised that Orton walked out of WM with the strap and they weren’t dumb enough to let Edge end Taker’s winning streak. But I’m just still dumbfounded that for the rest of eternity HBK will have his name attached to Flair’s career.
I guess it’s kind of a cop out but I have no feel for where to go with anything right now. It seems like Raw has the opposite of last year. Last year between injuries and suspensions, the roster was depleted. This year, everyone and their mother’s uncle has returned. After the fallout from the Benoit situation, the company seems to have recovered. And now they have a glut and no way to keep everyone happy.
With the diluted pool, the alternate titles were phased out. And the IC chip that was left was devalued by not defending it. Same for the tag titles. Granted the WWE strap itself is being competed for at the highest level. But there is no European, Cruiserweight or Television titles to have as a way to push storylines and give guys things to do. So we’re left with Cryme Tyme vs. Cade/Murdoch which is too ‘traditional’ [white southerners vs. young northern urban blacks] to be anything more than a farce. Jericho doesn’t have anyone to work with. And he also doesn’t have his legs totally under him. JBL is pretty much a step slow and probably will be for the rest of his career. Maybe we can just put him and HBK in a program to last the rest of their careers so I only have one match that I don’t have to watch. Show is relegated to the B show with a C level program. [Did you see the promo with Khali giving Show gifts? Water from the Tigris-Euphrates? WTF?] And we’ve got this ridiculous cycle with the title matches wherein HHH and John Cena are added to every fucking match. I will say that if this leads to Orton pinning all the other competitors except Hunter and the HHH-Orton feud climaxing at SummerSlam, I’m all for it.
I’m also tired of these implied long title reigns. I know that Russo devalued the WCW strap by having change so many times, but why can’t we have a little bit of surprise? Give me a random title match and even a change on Raw. I think that Taker deserves another long title run, but when’s the last time that MVP defended the US? Ditto Jeff Hardy and the IC. I’m glad to see Jericho defending on Raw vs. Umanga. But let’s get some more matches of import when I don’t have to shell out $45.99. Because if history is any indicator, I won’t. So please Vinnie, throw me a fucking bone.
Something else that strikes me came from the King of Kings DVD. [Totally not worth it by the way.] Hunter said that it was very meaningful to him to win the IC belt. Because this was at a time when guys like HBK, Perfect and the Hitman were fighting over it. This is a time when they were putting in 30 mins of fighting while Hogan was posing for 4 minutes. And I guess that’s what gets me most about the title situation and interest piquing with the WWE. Everyone is fighting over the same belts. It’s like they want you to think that everyone is on a similar level. We all know that’s not true. Why am I supposed to believe that Y2J gives a fuck about the IC chip when he was the original Undisputed Champion?

Alternate Universe

This is my take on what could have been. Somehow somewhere I'm sure these things happened. Unfortunately, you will never see them. I however have an active imagination, so let me to show you.

• Scott Hall & Kevin Nash never jumped to WCW. The nWo and dX are never formed. Hulk Hogan never goes into full on Hollywood mode. Steve Austin never wins the King of the Ring because the Curtain Call never happened. HHH is elevated too soon and he's a flash in the pan much like Scott Hall. The Rock never gets the fair shake from the Clique and moves onto WCW where he and Ric Flair have the most charismatic feud ever. WCW catapults into popularity behind Dwayne ‘People's Champ' Johnson and overtakes WWE as the no. 1 wrestling provider in North America. Randy Orton becomes a star in the WWE because he’s a legacy. John Cena never gets any higher than midcard level because the Clique holds him back and he’s not sound enough technically to last in WCW. The Revolution (Benoit, Malenko, Jericho & Saturn) never jump to WWE because Flair and Johnson are booking things the right way. Flair ALWAYS has put guys over. Mr. Kennedy isn’t Mr. Kennedy. He’s Mr. Blond and Flair loves him. Johnson sees a bit of himself in the kid. He is destined to become the next star. Batista is a sub main event star in WCW much like Luger & Sid Justice because of his impressive physique. ECW is still a massive hit, but Flair and WCW recognize its genius. When it/Heyman stumbles financially, WCW invests in it, but never takes over creative control and it grows exponentially. It’s still in 3rd as far as total revenues and gross receipts, but its fans are rabid as always and that Bingo Hall in Philly is a temple to this day. RVD, Sabu, Shelton Benjamin & The Franchise are their main stars.
• No one believes that Dan Marino has a drug problem and he goes number one overall to the Baltimore Colts in 1983. John Elway doesn’t hold out that season, forcing the trade to the Broncos. With such a stud QB, the Colts never leave and the Baltimore Ravens never exist, meaning the Cleveland Browns never moved. Marino has a tough rookie year a la Troy Aikman, but the Colts get another high draft pick and land Irving Fryar uniting him with Dan Marino from jump street. In ’85 the Dolphins improve and have a mid first round pick where they take Jerry Rice. That trio goes on to win multiple Super Bowls and Dan Marino is held in regard as unquestionably the greatest QB to ever live.
• John Belushi merely has a bad reaction to his speedball in 1982. He wakes in a hospital a couple weeks later and vows to lead a clean life. With his new found sobriety, he gains the focus to hone his craft and broaden his range from guerilla comedy. He becomes the greatest actor of his generation bouncing from slapstick shit head comedies to Westerns to Romantic Comedies and everyone believe his characters. Jim Belushi is only able to gain bit roles in his brother’s movies like Johnny Drama. Chris Farley grows up idolizing Belushi and sees what John goes through after the mild OD. He sees the error in his own ways at the ripe age of 18 and straightens out. He never reaches the main event status of Studio 8H, but is a legend in the improve clubs of NYC, eventually landing a big role in John Belushi’s 1990 movie the Goodfather, where Belushi plays a dead on Brando Vito Corleone in this mob movie spoof with Farley as his bumbling Fredo-like son.

Bomb Track

So I had a woman I don’t know and will never speak to again in my life treat as though a human speck of dirt. A useless fleck of human excrement, solely existing to suck up some of her oxygen. Well ya know what cunt? The CO2 that I exhale allows your fucking trees and garden to bloom. Maybe I’ll start to hold my breath and you’ll lose the pretty colors. Fuck that I’d rather sit here and piss you off. Coming through every 5 minutes to ask me how long my job is going to take won’t speed up the process. It’s going to be 5 minutes less than the last time you asked. Can’t you see the progress ahead of you?
That’s one of the things I do enjoy with my job. The visual progress I can see daily. Did the wall go up? Is the floor done? How do you measure success if you take papers from the right side of your desk and move them to the left? I moved papers 5 times! Great, now go make coffee cuz someone much more important than you is gracing us with his presence. And go wash your lips cuz he shits tulips and pisses Hawaiian Punch.
So where does that leave us at the end of the day? You prolly own a condo worth half a millie. You go out to the newest trendiest spots in the luxury high rises. You drop buckets of money at the hot new store with nice shines. I love that you hate me for existing in this space of yours. Cuz I’m the one who made sure the finishes in your apartment. The perfect, pristine countertop that Mother Teresa would fuck Ron Jeremy on. The kitchen that the hot new chef has decided to call home. I did all that shit. I know what my antagonists will say. Well technically homey you didn’t do shit. Fine, but I put that shit all together. I oversaw it and was the last line of defense between the guy who did and the owner. We’ll be gone in a matter of months, but that Mother-Teresa-Fucking-Counter will be there forever. It’s a little piece of my mind, body and soul that will last for all of eternity. Or until Louis Vuitton can get the next new space and move allowing Coach to move into that spot.
So yea, keep this in mind next time you wanna walk through and try to show off your speckled little pecker like you’re someone I give a fuck about. I don’t have to give a fuck about you. I’m smart though. I know that you’re a whore and you pay for good services. So I bend over backward. I don’t have any more money in the budget but I know that if I can hide a couple extras, I’ll get another gig out of you in the long run and make more cheddar on that one. I know how this shit works. You think I’m dumb cuz I wear a hard hat and carry a tape measure. But I also have a knife and a $150K engineering degree. I know you’re only impressed by Wharton MBAs and Oxford pedigrees. Well while my transcript processes, suck my mother fucking cock.
You think you have great corner offices. Here’s my question to you—have you ever been on a roof overlooking Central Park and found heaven on earth? A place where the city seems serene. You’re not enclosed like in the Empire State Building looking at a faceless ant colony. You’re out there, you can hear the honking and smell the bus that passed 45 seconds ago. You just happen to be overlooking it from 20 stories up. No barricade, just you and a railing you could stand on Titanic style and feel like the king of the western world. You think you take meetings with important people? You ever worked for a movie star? You ever been in a meeting with one of the most recognizable faces in the world? Have you ever been paid your salary to see him make that face or hear him say ‘how ya doin’ just like he did in that Oscar winning performance? I have. It doesn’t make me any better than anyone. What it makes me is a person.
So next time I pass you and say good afternoon ma’am, don’t look at me like you just caught me balls deep in your barely legal daughter. Cuz I doubt I’d be the first in that whore. Please believe this doesn’t pertain to a you who read this. But this is for everyone to keep in mind. I’m sure some of you will call me a hypocrite and say what a dick I am. True, but I don’t fuck nobody that ain got it coming.

Close, but you're way off

That’s pretty much how I’d describe things in hind sight. A couple weeks ago I wrote about March Madness and the importance of momentum vs. rest. In particular I related the Big East to UNC/UCLA. I was right in that comparison in that none of them are being repped tonight in San Antone. All along, the talking heads said that Memphis and Kansas were the weaker of the number one seeds. Everyone seemed to be poised for the historical match up tonight with UNC vs. UCLA. Would we be celebrating Roy Williams for his new dynasty? Would the rebirth of UCLA basketball as a powerhouse (3 straight Final Fours) be the dominant theme? As it turns out, the theme is Memphis and their ‘long’ guards’ ability to wreak havoc and Kansas ability to get up and down the floor at will on a supposedly superior foe in the Tar Heels. Memphis FT woes have been nowhere in sight and a lanky peckerwoods from Minnesota was last seen doing work on NoCar. Can Kansas handle Joey D down low? Can they find a cure for Memphis’ perimeter D? Can Memphis dominate Rush, Chalmers, Robinson & Collins with seemingly so little depth in the back court? Will FTs creep up to haunt the Tigers on the last night of the season? And remember what I said toward the end of that original posting. What it’ll come down to is the ability to make shots, play D and, most importantly, rebound. Kansas jumped out to that 40-12 lead because of the Heels’ inability to make shots. Memphis held on because the Bruins were chucking and Kevin Love couldn’t get a board to save his life. Neither of these two is averse to getting up and down the floor so pacing shouldn’t be an issue. But come crunch time, who’s going to keep Joe D off the boards?

Final Home Opener

I came into possession of 4 tickets to the FINAL home opener at Yankees Stadium. This would normally delight me. Call Miggy, Morty & Pops, tell them to get the fuck over here. Problem being, it was 6PM Tuesday night, they live 6 hours away and I was going to be at work until at least 7:30. The game started at 7. Go go gadget math skills. By the time I actually was able to leave work it was 8PM and I was making a beeline for the #4 train @ 59th & Lex. I arrived at Yankees Stadium around 8:30 or as baseball people like to call it, the middle of the 6th. I missed Melky’s two nice catches, but got there just in time to see him hit the dagger dinger putting the Bombers up 3-2. But who wants to hear me recap the game when I can outline my debauchery…

• I get to my four seats, and when I say my I mean I was one mother fucker with four fucking tickets—in the 6th inning [not that I’m angry or anything]. I found 2 guys taking up half my seats, leaving me with the two obscured by the foul pole. I saw the pitch go into Melky and the ball come out, but I could not testify under oath that he actually hit it. For all I know he caught it and hucked a rising liner into right. Most amazing to me was that when I told the guys I had the seats and wanted them cuz others were obstructed, they were pissed off—AT ME. They yelled at me so bad, I thought I stole my own car.
• Let me assure you that Melky, Robbie Cano and Joba are mother fucking rockstars. They’re through standing at lines at clubs you and I can’t get in. There’s no bottom of the ninth cuz they already scored enough to win.
• When Joba hits his rough patch with the second/third batter of the 8th, the guy behind me claims Joba to be overrated and the Mo should be pitching a 2 inning save. After Joba worked out of it, I commented to the gentlemen that I was impressed a Yankees scout was sitting amongst the commoners in Box 530 and not in hell next to Mr. Steinbrenner. Keep in mind, I’m white in the Bronx lipping off to a Puerto Rican. If we weren’t in The House, I’m pretty sure I might have been shanked.
• Apparently Giambi is sipping on some sizzyrup. Cuz there’s no other explanation for his catch in the 9th.
• I saw a Puerto Rican kid and a Cuban kid steal an ARod t-shirt from Stan’s after the game at Stan’s. I would have laughed at this were I not convinced I had already cheated death with my middle of the 8th antics with Pachanga from Carlito’s Way. I was most happy to see two of our city’s youngsters not beset by racial stereotypes and working as a unit to steal the $15 shirt of a guy with purple lips.
• When I was waiting for the L @ Union Sq, someone jacked the performer on the platform. I saw a guy hightailing it up the stairs followed by a couple of plain clothes cops. I moved to see the performer’s set up with the bongo knocked over and the guitar cable wrapped around the column. I was disappointed. Not because one of this city’s talents was robbed on a subway platform, but because I got there too late to see it. That would have been awesome to see a guy with his guitar plugged in chasing a kid around the column only to get yanked back Wile E. Coyote style.

Oh yea, Yanks won 3-2. I saw a nice home run, Wang’s pathetic 7th, Joba avoid danger like Mystical (Get on the flo’), the after effects of Giambi eating his Wheaties and felt the stadium shake after the 8th, when Sandman hit. JOBA RULES!

Potty Time

So they have this Flo-Max commercial and they ask who doesn’t want to spend less time in the bathroom. And they automatically assume that everyone agrees. I’m of the dissenting opinion here. I love a good BM. I have a ball. I have all the latest periodicals, a Su Doku book. Hell, sometimes I’ll even take in the ol’ laptoperoony for additional fun. I don’t see what’s not to love. I lose weight and feel better about myself. I also like to play guess which meal I just passed. And I think it might be the only time I get an ab workout.
Plus it gives me time to think about things. I reflect upon my day. I may ponder the dream I had last night. Sometimes I think about what’s facing me in the upcoming day. Did I make all the requisite calls to set up my subs for the day? Or if it’s after work, I’ll call a guy I don’t like and talk to him then. It seems like just the thing that you should do to your enemies.
I tell you what I don’t like though. I hate when I reeeeeally gotta go number 2 and I forget to go number 1. Then I get up off my throne and my bladder yells at me. Then I’m left to decide if I wanna sit back down to pee and risk starting another deuce or just stand there with my pants around my ankles and go like a little kid.
I also like it because I almost always shower afterwards. I feel I have to. I feel so dirty if I make boom booms then don’t wipe and scrub. I knew a guy who would go then jump in the shower straight out, without wiping. There is no amount of body wash that could make me feel Zestfully clean. I need to ‘squeeze the Charmin’ to begin to feel clean. All in all, I have tons of fun in the bathroom. Especially when I decide to pee in the shower, sometimes I’ll pirouette and pee just like a lawn sprayer.