Bye Bye Bush!!!!

Having this amount of free time on my hands, I have decided to provide a public service. For those of you who have ‘work’ today, I have decided to recount the activities of this morning’s inauguration. Here is the blow by blow…so far we’ve missed Magic, Spielberg, the Governator and details of the First Luncheon.

11:08 – Loser’s row enters. Dan Quail, Al Gore and Walter Mondale are all walking in. Glad to see Tipper’s still around. Bitch. Fucking Parental Advisory stickers…take charge of your own children’s upbringing. Don’t cost me the chance to buy Ready to Die as an 11 year old…

11:10 – John Kerry’s in the house. I don’t even have a joke. I’m glad that his campaign catapulted Seth Meyers to head writer of SNL.

11:12 – Cicely Tyson doing her Jane Pittman thing. Praising the Lord and thanking God for a beautiful day.

11:14 – Poppy Bush and Babs are in the house. Poppy tells the Secret Service they’re looking good.

11:15 – Gramma Bush is being helped to her seat. I know it’s a busy day but do we have to watch a woman in her late 80s getting to her seat on such a cold day? At some point, I don’t ever want to be in the spotlight, but I guess as the former leader of the free world and his/her family you have no choice.

11:16 – BUBBA! Billy’s here. He just smiled at one of the secret service agents. I think it was one of the guys he used to get stoned with. Hillary looks kinda pissed. IDK if it’s cuz she isn’t being inaugurated or that she’s still with Bill.

11:17 – Poppy and Billy just crossed paths at the bottom of the steps and seemed to be cordial. I bet Bill is recommending something for Poppy’s limp.

11:18 – Carter just walked through the Bush/Clinton gathering. He stopped to kiss Babs but ignored Billy and Poppy. PS – Poppy is gonna be 85. And he still wants to jump out of a plane.

11:19 – Carter’s official entrance to the area. Decent pop for Jimmy – who my dad just informed me that Jimmy’s favorite bands are the Allman Bros. and Willie Nelson. Then they went inside and showed the Bush Bimbos walking down the steps.

11:20 – Poppy officially enters. He salutes the armed men and looks regal. He and Babs are wearing purple scarves to celebrate bipartisanship. Bubba’s wearing Herpicin to cover his winter outbreak.

11:22 – Bubba comes out to the biggest pop of the night. They just showed the entire crowd going nuts. He’s glad handing as everyone in the camera’s eye is clapping.

11:23 – They just showed the moving trucks out front. The movers can’t do shit until the transference of power. I’m finding out now that if God forbid something happened to Barry, then Dubya would have to hold the government until they can sort shit out. [Ed’s. note: This is why Joe Biden will be sworn in first. So they can set up a decent succession before Barry is sworn in.]

11:24 - The Obama daughters are rolling in. Oh good, the Jonas Brothers did a concert for the girls over the weekend. They’re the kitchiest. [Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers?] The old white man on CBS just said the girls were cuties. Can we get that man on an Amber Alert list? Now Katie Couric is talking about how nice it is to have young girls in the White House. And Barry hopes the media allows the girls the chance to grow up somewhat naturally. At least not completely intrude upon their privacy.

11:27 – The girls are officially brought out to the crowd. Decent pop for them. Now they’re talking about Michelle’s mother living with them. Katie smells a sit com.

11:28 – They’re bringing out the Hogs N Heffers [Dubya’s daughters] followed up by Mrs. Bush. Oh, good, the hoes beasts have a seat in front of Bubba. Do you think that Billy is into the Bush daughters? I mean, black men love thick white women…

11:30 – Katie ain sayin shit as they’re pausing to build tension. The crowd is screaming ‘O-Bama!’

11:31 – Michelle Obama and Joe Biden are inside making their way out.

11:32 – Dubya is walking down the hall, looking lost. He’s lived there for the last 8 years. Why doesn’t he know these corridors? Katie is talking about his decision to compare himself to Abraham Lincoln. I think this is a good time to promote my idea to change the monetary system. Abe should be on the hundred dollar bill, because Diddy is all about the Benjamin’s. Baby. And Dubya should be on the penny because NO ONE wants a penny.

11:33 – Michelle Obama comes out, greeting everyone. You can see Bill thinking, ‘finally I’m not the only black person out here.’

11:35 – Dick Cheney is in a wheel chair. I wonder if it was built by Halliburton. Apparently he strained his back moving boxes to MacLean, VA. I thought the devil was impervious to pain?

11:36 – The official introduction of Dubya and Dick. I have no words to describe what a smarmy looking bastard Dubya is. Actually, those three will do. Dubya shakes hands and gets to Bubba. You’d think with rhyming names, they’d be good friends. But Bubba looks pissed that Dubya gets a front row seat to this.

11:39 – The first showing of Barry in the corridor. He looks like a leader. Quiet calm and confidence. Kinda like MJ in mid-90s. They’re talking about him using his middle name for the ceremony as a branch to the Muslim world. I’m sure the white people will REALLY love that…His speech is expected to run 18-20 minutes with applause. Dynamite drop in, Katie.

11:41 – The crowd is chanting ‘O-Bama!’ again.

11:42 – They’re showing crowd shots. Holy fucking shit. That’s a ton of people. The CBS talent has a copy of the speech and they’re giving their thoughts on it. Without wanting to give away much to us about what he’s going to say. So they’re telling me what they think about something I have no idea of. Good call, Les.

11:43 – I half expect Barry to come out to the Bulls intro in the mid-90s. But I don’t want to see Joe Biden in Scottie Pippen’s old uniform. Though I suppose he’d rock the John Stockton shorts. There’s an image I don’t want. I guess in this scenario Hillary would be Dennis Rodman. I bet you didn’t want to picture her in shorts and a tank top, did you?

11:44 – Barry’s official introdutction. The announcer just said H. Not Hussein. WTF? Barry’s shaking hands. I don’t know if they don’t have the crowd mic’d properly. But the pop wasn’t as big as Bubba. No I spoke too soon. On cue, they start with ‘O-Bama!’ I think everyone was just in awe of his emergence…

11:45 – Barry’s complaining about the weather? And now Katie is telling us the Barry’s is sensitive to the cold. Really? I guess he is a tropical people. He might have lived in Chicago, but he was born and raised in Hawaii.

11:46 – Dianne Feinstein is opening it up for us. The girls look cold. I wonder if they’re sitting there like most kids. Did Barry and Michelle allow them one toy for the ceremony? Does Malia Ann have her PSP while Sasha has her favorite Barbie? I’m brimming with questions.

11:48 – She finishes her speech with BARACK OBAMA. And the crowd goes nuts. Even, Mick Foley’s cheap pop has more credibility than that speech.

11:49 – Rev Rick Warren is performing the invocation of this ceremony. Apparently he’s controversial because he’s conservative and opposes abortion and same sex marriage. Apparently they let Dubya make one last bad decision on the way out.

11:50 – And now Rev Rick brings up MLK. And they show a wide shot of Barry and Biden. Biden just looks like a dick. Am I wrong? But I guess what’s why he’s there. When shit hits the fan you need the DC insider to help…

11:53 – Rev Rick is still going on. And now he’s started the Lord’s prayer. So to the religious right, I say suck my nuts. Barry isn’t going away from religion. He’s just not going to point the army and shoot like the President Archangel Bush.

11:53 – Aretha to sing ‘My Country ‘Tis of Thee’. What is on her head? Did she eat the fat Oprah? Again, I’m brimming with questions…

11:54 – Aretha just said, ‘My Cunt. Ree tis of thee’. Pops is over here hacking a lung up. Did she just say cunt in the inauguration?

11:55 – Pops and I wonder if Aaron Neville is going to sing the inaugural address.

11:56 – So Aretha is now the first black woman of the country.

11:57 – Joe Biden is the first catholic to be sworn in as the Vice President. Fucking Puritans. In case you’re wondering, I hate Boston. I love going in there with a Yankees hat on.

11:58 - Biden sounds like such a dick even in taking oath. His dark hairded daughter is cute. I’d give her an ATM swipe.

11:59 – Biden just turned to the frat row and gave it a hearty Fonze. And they all looked back at him and went ‘AAAAAAYYYYYYYY!’ I now love Scranton, PA. I want to go to a jiggle joint there and ask if they know Joe…

12:00 – Yoyo Ma is rippin it on the cello. Where’s Stanley Clark? I hereby decree that this ceremony should have all black performers. We should ditch Dianne and have Robin Roberts hosting this shit.

12:03 – The music is so boring they’re showing live shots in LA, Chicago and Philly. Chi-Town had a bunch of lil kids sittin in church lookin bored out of their minds. Philly is at another church and the camera was on these two young women who couldn’t stop laughing.

12:05 – Katie Couric just pointed out that Biden is president because Bush’s term expired promptly at noon. So we need to get this shit on the road…

12:05 – Barack is being sworn in. He screwed up the first line. And the second. [Ed’s. note: Katie told us in the post-game coverage that the Chief Justice juxtaposed the words at the beginning, throwing Barry off. Andersen Cooper later compared it to getting married. Maybe to a guy.]

12:06 – Ladies and gentlemen, the president of these United States – BARACK HUSSEIN OBABMA. And the howitzer’s are going off….God Damn I think I heard one outside.

12:07 – SPEECH!!!!

12:08 – The crowd drops in with ‘O-Bama!’ Barry starts his speech. He thanks Dubya and there was some jaded applause. Does anyone give a fuck about Dubya? I mean other than my Aunt Florence, who was alive for Roosevelt’s first term in office. Teddy, not Franklin.

12:10 – Barry outlines all the bad shit going on right now. I’m glad he knows what he’s up againt. But now I wanna move to Columbia and become a drug lord…[Ah, si. Okay, okay! Big man, you wanna make some big bucks?]

12:13 – They just showed some Tuskegee Airmen in the audience.

12:14 – Poppy is rocking a Costanza hat. Good look for him with the purple scarf. Do they sell men’s clothes where you got your outfit for the ceremony?

12:22 – In the midst of his portion about the vets, living and dead, my cable blacked out.

12:23 – My DirecTv came back. It was almost as traumatizing as the end of the Sopranos finale.

12:24 – Pops just spotted a Steeler jacket in the crowd shot. SB XLIII, mother fuckers!

12:26 – ‘Thank you. God Bless you. And God bless the United States of America.’ Good speech.

12:28 – Elizabeth Alexander, the inaugural poet, is reading a piece for us. I think they removed Joe Biden. I mean it makes sense. You wouldn’t want the both of them together at an open air evetn. I’m just wondering if they pulled him out as soon as he was sworn in. [……that’s what she said]

12:31 – People are walking out as Emily Dickinson finishes up, hopefully soonly.

12:32 – They should have had Common as the inaugural poet. Dianne introduces Reverend Joseph Lowery for the benediction. I was half expecting a Vince McMahon swerve.
‘Oh my God, is that Rev Wright’s music?!?! It is! Reverend Wright is in DC! And he’s got a steel chair! He’s fighting he way over to Barry. My God, he just smashed Hillary Clinton over the head! Bill appears to be dancing.’

12:37 – Rev Lowery just said ‘Red Man’. Thank God they were on a close up of Barry. He kinda cringed at that moment. Great unintentional comedy…

12:40 – Biden is still there. I’m impressed. I would have thought they got him out of their immediately, especially with a black man in charge. I mean, DC is south of the Mason Dixon Line.

Well, they’re going to some recap coverage so that will do it for us. Can I go get lunch now? Yes, I can!