As Promised....

There may be those of you out there who aren’t aware, but Amor and I split up last week. Unfortunately it’s been coming for the last while, as we’ve had some issues heading back to Thanksgiving and slightly before. We had tried to pass it all off and make it work but we just couldn’t get ish to click. So last week we spoke and decided to take a break. We’re not done for realsies, but a lot needs to happen before we get back together.
With all that’s gone on around me the past few months, it’s given me time to evaluate. My job situation, my relationship, my passions. All of them have run through my head and I’ve come to realize that some things aren’t as important to me as I previously thought. Others, moreso that I did think. All in all I must admit it’s been an odd period for me. I never really took stock of what I had around me like this time. And I still don’t know what to make of all of it.
Some of it seems easy – fuck the dumb shit, don’t let that bottle bring you down. Some of it seems harder – don’t take another job, instead jump feet first into the acting/filmmaking ventures. It’s all so clouded that I can’t decipher what’s going on. Society dictates that you take a 9-5 [or 6-6, 7 days a week in my case] and be miserable. You meet your college sweetheart and you get engaged, then you get married and buy a house with a white picket fence and join PTAs and shit.
But that doesn’t appeal to me. I want a nice place on the upper West side, a block from the park. I wanna be a mother fucking rockstar, but more importantly I wanna live my life on my terms. I’ve always said to anyone who would listen that I wouldn’t let the dream cloud me from the vision. The dream is that big ballin’ shit, $20M a flick. The vision is acting in plays and being second guy from the left on tv and in films, then making my indie flicks when I can get enough roll to do them.
It feels sometimes that I don’t have the right people on board to make that shit happen. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to take that first step. But I’ve got no one to take it with me. I don’t have an E, a Turtle or a Drama [though in all fairness, I’m likely more Drama than Vince].
I’ve always been surrounding by [at worst, moderately] successful people. They have their own bills to pay and lives to live. And they don’t always have time to join up and make my shit happen. And that’s fine. That’s why we’re friends. We’re all strong in our own right. So they’ve all got their own ish to work on and I’ve got these ideas for shows and movies and I want to bring them in cuz I know they’d rock out at it. But at the same time, they need to handle their business.
I’m rambling in circles now because I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I feel like Neo standing in the hallway looking at the agents. Except, I can’t see in code yet. I’m 25 and I can still be disappointed in everyone I know, including myself. I’ve learned that no one can live up to the high standards which I’ve set. I strive for them everyday and I’ve yet to reach them. But now I’m looking at them face to face and am grab them bitches with two hands. All I need now is a plan, anyone have any ideas???