Say With Me Now; Bow-Day-Guh

So I said the other day that Den, Dal and Phx wouldn’t ALL get swept. I was right, but at the same time I was wrong. In making that statement, I was tryna point out that those three teams wouldn’t just roll over and die. Boy was I wrong. I haven’t seen anything German fall so quickly since the Nazis in WWII (go ahead wikee it, German forces surrendered on 4/29, Hitler killed himself 4/30 and Germany surrendered on 5/7). Phoenix was the onliest one of the group to even muster the cojones to fight a little bit. They were up in games 1+2. They just couldn’t close. I thought for sure that scrappy little Canadian and his large black friends would at least get us to a game 6. Again I was wrong. And the Lakers-Nuggets series wasn’t even long enough to enjoy Kobe’s triumphant return to Colorado. Shame on you Carmelo for not allowing me the joy of a game 6 Kobe in Denver. Though you did give me the DUI (I’m willing to bet that Melo didn’t say what he was drinking…NO SNITCHIN!), so I guess we’re even. On a positive note, all Dallas area bodegas are excitedly awaiting the return of Black Ass…Hey do you think Avery’s name will come up for the NYK job?

Simpson's Family Lessons

So I'm watching the Simpsons tonight and it's the episode where Bart steals the video game. He gets caught; and is banned from the local TryNSave 4 life. Then Marge plans the family XMas photo at the same store. The local yokel security guard catches Bart and shows the tape. Marge thinks she's smothering Bart with her mothering. So she stops and he misses his youth. He eventually returns to the store and pays for his own portrait as Marge's XMas gift.
This helped me come to a certain realization. The Simpsons has been around so long that I can do what Homer did. Park my kids in front of the TV and hope they'll turn out TV. Think about it, I can show them this episode when they get of age to want things. But why stop there? I'm sure if I combed the Sippy's archive, I could find episodes for everything. There's the one where Lisa is cheating and comes clean. 'I know a bar where we can cash this big check!' There's the one where Bart shoots the bird then tries to hide it from Marge. The one where they all pitch in to rebuild the Flanders' house after the storm. And the one where the Reverend's daughter--and Bart's GF--steals from the church. I mean I can raise a child by preemptively showing them Sippy's episodes. Hoping to keep them from doing their own dumb shit. Maybe that's the way to go. Yo Barnes, can we try this out with Brea? Miggy let's use Addy, Vannah is too old to start now. It'll be like the new Jedi training. You have your missions gentlemen. Godspeed.

Truth, Justice & the American Way

What is truth? It’s the account of an event with our own twist to it. It’s the version of reality we have built up in our own minds. Having individual truths doesn’t make any of them more or less right. More or less credible. It simply means that truth isn’t always as clear cut as you might think.
As I write this, three NYPD officers have been cleared of all charges in the Sean Bell shooting incident. The facts of the case remain simple. The defendants claim to be moral upstanding lawmen serving and protects as three petty thugs gunned their way down a Queens street leaving a strip club. There was no weapon found in Bell’s car. The prosecution contends that three men merely celebrating their friend’s impending nuptials were gunned down by three power hungry, blood thirsty, trigger happy cops. Two of which who are black.
As a guy who’s been through affairs of various consequence, though none with as much at stake as this, I’m of the mind that the truth lie somewhere in between. I don’t doubt the cops over reacted. (50 fucking shots, 1 kill and another of the victims got shot 16 times—none fatal? Step your game up NYPD) I don’t doubt that the victims did something to pique the officer’s interest.
And interesting of all is the last sentence from two paragraphs ago. “Two of which are black.” (Is it copacetic to quote yourself?) If this were a case of white cops and three “people of color”, I think the reaction may be different. It may be more violent. The KKK might be standing near the front of the courthouse espousing that all n!&&ers are nothing short of petty thugs blasting their way down the silent blocks of the American Heartland. The family, friends and those with a general disdain of law enforcement officials might be rioting and the NYPD might respond with riot squads instead of guys in polo shirts. But two of the cops are black. So we’re left with Rev. Al Sharpton speaking for the family and asking that no violence be carried out in Sean Bell’s name, memory or visage.
But maybe this is the time for protest. The time when there is no ulterior motive. There is no ‘white cops walking the beat in a black neighborhood with itchy trigger fingers and a disdain for rap music’. It’s black victims and 2/3 black cops. Maybe the communities should call a truce and fight for a common cause. The outraged families and those of other questionable shootings coming together along with people like you and I questioning the tactics of the NYPD. Maybe that same KKK should be standing out front calling black cops n!&&ers same as they would the petty thugs.
Or maybe the facts of the case are simpler. There were three NYPD officers who unloaded 50 rounds into a carful of guys out for their friend’s bachelor party with no weapons. There was no justice on 11/25/06 and there was no justice on 4/25/08.

That Tiger Went Tiger!

So maybe it was a bear not a tiger but I think the Chris Rock reference still fits. Any rate, the bear who Will Ferrell wrestled in SemiPro killed his handler Steven Miller. I have a couple thoughts on this topic.

1. The bear was merely months late with its animal instinct kicking in. He should have done this on set so I wouldn't have to put up with the Will Ferrell remake of Hong Kong Phooey or whatever he's working on next. I like Will Ferrell in Old School, but I didn't care for Anchorman--except the erection scene. And it's been all downhill since then.
2. Smokey apparently is not a smoker, a joker or a midnight toker. And he doesn't want to fly like an eagle. Nor does he want to keep on a-rocking, rockin me bay-bah.
3. Please note that the San Bernadino Cty Sherrif's spokesman's name is Cindy Beavers. IDK if that's a great porno name or the name of a lesbian hermaphrodite...
4. And now there's backlash on Hollywood for using trained animals. I guess we should just let all animals run free and gnaw at the heads of our babies for this was their land first. Fuck PETA. Probably the samest mother fuckers during Katrina who complained that dogs weren't getting enough food and water. What about the PEOPLE? (Ed's Note: Dylan would like to apologize to PETA. He just thinks they're giant animal loving douches. He thinks animals have their place and it's below people on the food chain so they should be happy to be taken in and fed by us.)

I know that sounds kinda harsh to say about Will Ferrell but if I have to endure another Bewitched-esque venture from him, I might attack my trainer and bite his fucking jugular. And here's the link to the story:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080423/ap_on_re_us/grizzly_attack

PS--Sorry Barnes, I just don't think Ferrell is THAT funny....

The Champ is Where?

Preface: I am a huge Randy Orton fan. I have no problem with him currently holding the strap. I have no qualms with him being the youngest champ in history. My beef is not with him or his achievements. It is with the storylines given him by WWE creative.
For starters he was awarded the strap when Cena went down. He promptly lost to HHH who beat Umaga in his second match of the night. Then the main event saw Hunter-Orton in a Last Man standing match. I don’t give a good goddamn how scripted this shit is, you put on 3 matches in one night. Orton then went on to a string of tainted Ws. WM24 was the second time we saw Orton with a decent win in his reign. But he never got to use his finisher. He picked his moment and booted Hunter, allowing him the cover on Cena who just suffered a pedigree.
My beef with this string of matches is that the WWE devalued their A title by having him take DQ losses to keep the strap. They had him get pinned on Raw in tag team matches. It just seemed to me that they put him in position to be a paper champion. I have been waiting to see when exactly they intend to put him over as their top dog. And it never happens. I’m glad someone upstairs declared that they’d only have long title runs now. But apparently is pissed off at Randy and doesn’t want him to go over the established guys who have more history than him. Check it out, through his title reign, he has clean defense wins over Jeff Hardy (not previously a main eventer) & John Cena (#1 babyface, but not tenured significantly more than Orton).
Now we appear to be mired in this, ‘we don’t know who we want fighting for the strap so we’re going to continue to just throw mother fuckers together until we find a good fit’ cycle of matches. WM should have been HHH/Orton until Cena came back early @ RR. Now we go to Backlash with the same 3 and JBL included. Maybe the problem is JBL. Dude’s been out for how long now, calling matches on Friday night? They scrapped the JBL-Y2J program cuz their match was so bad @ RR. So they decided to place Y2J in a program with Hardy (WHOOPS!) but had nothing else for JBL to do. So here we are with a Fatal Four way elimination match just so JBL doesn’t have to be carried—AGAIN.
I guess I’m hoping that BL goes such that JBL is eliminated first by HHH, who is then surprised by Cena for an STFU. Then we have Orton beat Cena (can we get one clean W from our champ?). Then please send Cena to shoot 16 Rounds and get us to Orton v. Hunter. I know I should quit my bitching, but my point is simply this:
Why have a guy as your champion if you won’t put him over your stars? The champ should go over EVERYONE in his reign. That’s why he’s champ. And if you’re going to have him cheat, let him get away with it a la Eddie. And if you’re not willing to put him over the top guys, then please have him lose. But don’t take a guy who can carry your promotion through the next decade+ and put him in a weak position because your A listers don’t want to give up their ‘spot’.
Where can I return my soapbox?

NBA Playoffs

That's that Ohhhh Whee! The NBA Playoffs are underway and I have neglected the L recently. I still don't have much to say as I'm not a 'sports writer'. But I'm not too upset about that cuz most of them are fat slobs or come off as petulant little girls (Ed. Note: Except Gammons, Peter; Cope, Myron). Here's my break down:

1. We here at DylanCorp effed Houston in the A when I wrote about the impressiveness of their win streak. Sorry T-Mac that you won't get out of the first round again. No - no, over here Tracy. To your left.
2. There is no ceiling for the Detroit Pistons this post season. They might come out in Game 2 and promptly rip off 12 straight wins en route to the NBA Finals. They might come out and lose in 4 or 7. And if they lose to this 6ers squad, the post series press conference could be amazing. I mean, Mr. BothTeamsPlayedHard is fully involved here. He blew a bunny to win. He entered Philly's huddle down 2 with 0:11 to play. Plus there's the interesting sidebar of Flip Saunder's future. Did you HEAR the boo's at the Palace at the end of game 1? This is the place that gave us the Malice in the Palace not even 4 years ago. And that was in a Nov game vs. a clearly superior Pacers squad. What would happen if they lose in 7 to a wildly underrated 76ers squad. Moe Cheeks for President. Yes he can!
3. The West could get wild and wacky. Can PHX bounce back from just screwing the pooch in game 1? Does Dallas have an answer for NO? Why didn't Dirk get testy when XMan David West put his hands in Dirk's face? Can ANYONE in this league stop the 3 headed monster that is the LA Lakers? San Antone is the only one I can see doing it 4 times in two weeks from the WC. I think the East Conf champ might could if Det or Bos make it out. (Ed's Note: Disregard Det if they don't beat Phi before game 7.)
4. The East is interesting if Bos/Det can sleepwalk through the playoffs relatively unscathed. I know the Pistons lost once, but they and Boston still have the best chance to match up with the West squads. I say this because these two seem to have the best ability to control the tempo of the game and the most firepower to counter whomever reps the West. And I say relatively unscathed because the West bracket is going to be a war. You're nuts if you think that PHX, Den and Dal are getting swept. And that's just the first round. Imagine LA/Utah or SA/NO in the second round. Yea--battle. Look at how teams that waged wars did in the NCAA tourney. And that was in one and dones. This is a system built to deny major upsets and crown the BEST basketball team in the world. Remember, before GS beat Dal, the last no. 8 to beat a 1 was Deke's Nuggets vs Seattle.
5. Orlando is a big XFactor here. They're young, but there's no reason they can't make big noise in the next 3-4 weeks. LeBron went to the Finals with less help than Danny Manning's Jayhawks. D-Ho, Jameer, Hedo & Rashard is fairly formidable. At least as a second tier team, following up the Boston 3 Party and Detroit's lineup.

Oh shit, it's Wayne Brady son!

I'm Wayne Brady bitch! I can only imagine that's what he said at his divorce preceedings. Imagine. Or hope? I don't know which is the proper term in this instance. But Mr. MakesBryantGumbleLookLikeMalcolmX is divorced after years of separation. I'm glad to hear however that he and the Ex Mrs. will be raising their daughter together. I wonder if she had enough of him being out late night pimpin and str8 thuggin?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080417/ap_en_ot/people_wayne_brady

Break yo'self fool!