My Masculinity

I know that as a man I’m supposed to be strong and emotionless. But that’s not me. It never was. When I played ball I left it all out there. When I was little, I took insults and ball breaking to heart. It wasn’t until I learned to snap back that I felt some sort of retribution. I could one up you. I suppose I didn’t mind a good slight, as long as I had another one ready right behind it to hit you up with.
I think that’s what hurts me so much about this whole Heartbreak thing now. I have no follow up. Believe me I could black out on her and just be mean and cruel. I’m sure I could make her cry. I could throw everything back in her face. I just don’t want to. She doesn’t deserve that.
I suppose I feel just as much that this is my fault. I know that there’s no blame but I can’t help thinking back through our history. She chased me all that time. Now she needs time for herself. She stayed all those nights with me when it might have been better for her to go home and wake up for school the next morning in her own bed. Now I go to bed alone every night, wishing I had let her go just one more night that I could add on now. I was such a dick to her, wholly unnecessarily, for three years when I was afraid of my emotions. Then I gave them all to her, all of me was hers.
At the end of the day it feels like I did it to myself. I took this beautiful pure creature. This perfect being. Who gave so much of herself for me, for the hope that was us. And I toyed with it for all that time. Now it feels like she’s doing the same thing.
I know there’s no malice – at least I hope there’s none. I don’t think she’s sitting there twisting her mustache, cackling as she sits in her craggy mountain top castle. They say you reap what you sow. Well, I’m now reaping the bad times I thrust upon her. I know I can get through this, without her, I just don’t want to…