All Hallow's Eve

I know it’s mid-November but I still want to rehash my Halloween for you…
I was in the Burgh that night and I started out on 8th Ave handing out candy to the ninos in the neighborhood. MJ was the great pumpkin and he was a fierce pumpkin. The kid loves picking up Pop’s cane. He already knows what to do with a weapon, his daddy’s proud. Banana and Summation were Bo Peep and a sheep. Summ was so cute as a sheep. It was even cute when she started throwing a tantrum cuz she was so damn tired…
Then the real fun began. I went to the Univ of Pittsburgh to chill with Morty for the night. My brother as you may or may not know is like 6-6, 6-7…fucking tall for the rest of the world. He also has a terrible Jew Fro – this despite not being Jewish. So he bought a white head band and colored orange stripes on each end and went as Jackie Moon. He had his white Nike shorts rolled up and they were waaaaaaaayyyyyy too short – it was awesome.
I went as Jesus Christ. Because it’s awesome. All night long everyone was recognizing me and taking photos. If you’re on myface or spacebook and you see random people with Jesus from Halloween, there’s a decent chance it’s me. Morty was pissed at first because as we go walking down the street, I changed my gait and all night long I walked slowly with my hands folded in front of me. I tried to keep a peaceful look on my face under the beard all night. I thought it was awesome. He did too eventually but at first he was pissed that I was walking so slow.
We first go to one bar and split a pitcher, checking out the scene. I went to check out the up stairs portion and there was a live band so they tried to charge a cover. I asked the bouncer if he could let the son of man in for free and he told me he was an atheist. I instantly smote him.
Up next was a bar on the next block, which I found out later is notorious for shootings. We entered the main portion to an empty house, rifled down a shot and split a pitcher and went to the side with the dance floor. The people in costumes were surrounding the DJ booth. Morty and I made our way up there.
As we got there, the DJ announced a dance competition. We stood in the circle for the cipher and there were some terrible dancers, but there was a blue care bear with the lit belly who was doing the old rave moves from the mid-90s who had some decent rhythm. I let the anticipation build around me and everyone started to chant for their savior by name. the DJ called me into the middle. I walked slowly, then came to life doing every move I’ve ever seen in a music video. I think I even did a lil ‘Crazy in Love’ (just for you amor…).
Then they called in my brother. He looked at me with more fear than I’ve ever seen in him. A whiter man I hath never lain eyes upon. It was bad. It was so bad that he made the semis along with me and the care bear. So we start the semis and Morty is up first. this time around, he strode to the center with a confidence that was a high as his fear the round before. He gets to the middle. And he starts to stretch. It was a piece of comedic genius on his part. They proceeded to boo the ever loving shit out of him. Up next was the Care Bear and it was more of the same. I thought he’d come back with some pop lock but it was just mid-90’s rave moves. I’m up again. To a chorus of ‘Jesus! Jesus!’ chants again. I again bust out more music video moves. I did a lil motorcycle, took it up town for a shake, then brushed the dirt off to the Care Bear and his crew who was now booing me, in the greatest sign of hateration since Pilate sentenced the original Me in the days of yore. The DJ stops it and informs everyone that Morty was eliminated and Jesus and the Care Bear were to come out face to face for a dance off.
The music started and I was still again while the Care Bear went back to the well one more time. I let him go for a minute then when I started getting my chants again, I hit a lil Dwight Howard heart beat to match the rhythm just to get moving. The care bear presented and was grinding his bulbous buttocks against his savior. So I took it down low and started spanking him to the beat which got everyone laughing. The DJ asked the Care Bear to stop and let me go. He didn’t oblige but he moved away and I went back to music video moves. His boys called me out on doing the same shit – which I found funny for the aforementioned reasons. Then the DJ switched it up to Pitbull and I started some Salsa-esque Cha-Cha moves that brought the house down. Because how many times do you see your savior gyrating like a modern day Ricky Ricardo?
They proceed to announce the winner as I head for the nearest stool as I am completely out of breath and feeling like I’m going to vomit. Mid-stride the DJ announce me as the winner and I am to come to the booth to claim my prize. They awarded me a Miller Lite snowboard. On my way to the booth, I asked the Care Bear if he snow boarded, cuz Dad knows my black ass doesn’t do winter sports. He did so I said I’d give it to him. Some bitchy waitress stops me to ask if I even snowboarded. I smote her as well. I asked the DJ for the mike and have no clue what I said then gave the board to the Care Bear. In hindsight, I should have said ‘I can walk on water but I cannot glide upon snow’. But something else came out.
So there’s some douche bag at Pitt with my trophy, probably telling Jesus’ ass in a dance competition. I don’t care because I got a great story, I don’t need the board to justify what happened that night. There is more from the night, but this is long enough for now.