I have a crayon in my brain?

Reports have indicated that Ben Roethlisberger sustained a low grade concussion near the end of the second quarter of last week's Browns-Steelers game. Many pundits have looked back at Coach Tomlin's decision to have B-Roe in the game. Looking back at those oh-so-dominant Colts teams which had such a lead they could afford to rest guys starting in week 14. When they did so, they always seemed to come out rusty and flat in January as no one had played a meaningful game since Thanksgiving.
Today is not about rehashing coaching decisions though. Today we're going to look to the future and what we can expect Ben Roethlisberger to be going through as he recovers from his 'minor concussion'. To provide information, we have enlisted the foremost expert on concussions, Hennessy and illegitimate children, our good friend Barnes. As always, my comments are in red.

• What are the side effects of a low grade concussion?
  ~ The side effects of a concussion are nausea, dizziness, lack of coordination, iritability, and sensitivity to light. (Barnes is always irritable and generally sensitive to light, so those two were not good indicators for the training staff as to his condition.)
• How does it make you feel?
  ~ It's pretty much like getting drunk in high school. You get a good buzz going for about an hour (I remember singing in the training room after my second one) followed by a prolonged hangover. You also get really sleepy, but you can't sleep for 8 hours afterwards. Then when you do get to sleep, you can't sleep for more than 3-4 hours.
• What does that feel like as compared to a high grade concussion?
  ~ The main difference is pretty simple. For a high grade one, in the words of Smokey, "You got knocked the fuck out". Basically, if you don't go unconscious, its a low grade concussion. (Does this mean I've only been low-grade drunk as then?)
• This is Ben's third concussion in as many years – how is recovery time affected by multiple concussions?
  ~ It depends on the time between them and the severity. Mine were all minor, but three of them occurred within 3.5 months of each other. That's not good.
• IE – do you think he can be ready for the Jan 11 Divisional game?
  ~ Yes, I think he'll play.
• Which is more damaging – having a portion of ceiling falling on you while sleeping or bouncing your head off the windshield of a Buick?
  ~ Depends what timeframe you're talking about and if there are any other associated injuries. Short term, the windshield is more damaging. But if that's you're only brain injury, you should be fine. A ceiling falling directly on your back from 12 feet up, made of plaster and soaking wet, that will leave some long term damage. Hence why I have to look like a tool wearing a backback with a suit because a regular laptop bag causes pain after carrying it for 5 minutes.
• Do you think that concussions are directly proportional to cranium size?
  ~ I'm sure it can't help. Since it's essentially two forces (and force equals mass times acceleration) colliding and a concussion too much force for your brain to handle. In the words of Ron Burgandy, "It's science." (For anyone who doesn't know, Barne's has a tiny head. I mean like freakishly tiny. His toddler might have a bigger head. That makes his head trauma all the more enigmatic.)
• Do you feel a kinship to Wayne Chrebet because both you and he had careers cut short due to brain trauma?
  ~ I'm not going to lie and say it didn't help. But there's also the kinship that we're both undersized white guys. And he played at Hofstra.
• Would you recommend me buying a car from Wayne's dealership?
  ~ I would highly recommend it. (End of year clearances abound, as they try to offload all year end models!)
• Would you rather be blacked out from a concussion or blacked out from drunkenness?
  ~ Strictly from a physical perspective, drunkenness. You know it'll go a way in a day or so, and you can make it better by having an eye opener. From a mental perspective, probably concussed. Because I don't have to worry about what I did last night and who's pissed off at me. (I wish there was a way to apologize and not have it be awkward, but I'm still learning how to do it. I think I could spend a lifetime at it and not find a good way to go about it...)
• Have you been blacked out more from a concussion or drunkenness?
  ~ Drunkenness. I never actually blacked out from a concussion because the one thing doctors and trainers tell other people is to not let you fall asleep for like 8 hours. So you have people poking you all the time.
• Moreover, do you remember every occurrence of each?
  ~ I remember the first hour or so after each concussion. After that, its a blank. Most drunken black outs are blank as well, with intermittent highlights, mostly just pictures.
• How many concussions do you need to suffer before 'slipping one by the goalie'?
  ~ From my experience, 4 is the magic number. I'd also recommend that no one test the validity of that. (Don't be a fool, wrap your tool; lest you end up like Mr. TwentyPercent)
• Would you rather beat the Pats and end the Titans undefeated season then go 1-4 down the stretch to miss the playoffs after everyone touted the Subway Super Bowl? Or miss two FGs to lose in OT to the Steelers?
  ~ I'd rather have the former, mostly because I don't live with any Dolphins fans. It's one thing to lose a game painfully, it's another to have to be reminded of it every day. Plus the collapse just proved me right about Brett Favre being a bad move.
• Follow up, did you see Chad Pennington on a play-action pass with Ted Ginn having 3 steps on the NYJ defenders, then underthrow him so badly that Ginn had to come back 5 steps?
  ~ I'll tell you what, nobody in the league throws the "Underthrow the WR because the CB is face guarding" route better than Chad. Just like how he got complemented for his accuracy on short throws two weeks ago.
• Follow up to the follow up, would you rather have had CP or Brett Favre this season?
  ~ I was driving the "Please Don't Sign Brett Favre" bus back in July to the point that I got a text message at 8:15 one morning just saying, "HAHAHAHAHA" and immediately knew the Jets signed him. Back in August I was going to write an NFL preview, but only got around to doing the AFC East. Here's what I wrote about Pennington and what I was looking forward to seeing from Miami: "I'll miss you Chad. Maybe you didn't have a rocket arm, and were missing some shoulder ligaments. But dammit, you were one stupid Herm Edwards call from going to the AFC Championship. Maybe when this is all over, we can get an apartment together." And even better was seeing the Post report that part of the reason Cowher didn't want to go to the Jets was that he didn't want Favre. So to recap, the Jets got rid of the second best QB in their history, for a quarterback who threw more interceptions than TDs and sabotaged the best coach we could have gotten.