http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3714369
Uh-Uh. No way. You're not going to feed me that humble as pie bullshit. Are you fucking serious? I'm supposed to buy this about this guy? 'Oh, hi. I'm Tony Homo. I do good things for good people.' I only hope it comes out that the homeless guy is homeless because he used to be a school teacher and he molested little children. Because that's what the Cowboys are. Everyone knows that the Raiders are ex-cons. And the Cowboys are child molesters. Especially Roger Fucking Staubach. To this day complains about losing to the Steelers in one of those Super Bowls. Are you serious? Get over it.
And half way down they say the he stopped to help a couple change a tire on the way home from opening day. Really? You know why he stopped? Because she had tits the size of Tijuana and he was a Cowboys fan. Which by definition means they were brother and sister. So big brother wanted his sister to have someone from outside the blood line inside her.
Fuck you and Jessica Simpson. Matter of fact she was molested too. By her father. If you think I'm kidding, check out some of the shit he's said about his daughter's tetas. Lemme guess, next we're going to find out that they are missionaries - not the position - and they've converted 39 little brown children to Methodism or some God awful snake handling Protestant church. Message to white people: let brown people be, they don't need salvation. Salvation won't help third world people achieve dinner. Cock suckers.
Speaking of cock suckers, I think Tom Landry molested collies. It's why he wore that hat. So the dogs wouldn't recognize him on game day and tell Timmy he's the reason they howl at the moon on Saturday nights.
And if you're a Cowboys fan ~ Attack! Attack! Attack! My left nutsack! Enjoy rooting for Homo while he's throwing another game in January for you. Jackasses...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
CC Sa-bathe-in-cash-ia
As attested by my consistent finishes in fantasy baseball over the life of the Horsemen league, I am far from an expert in the field of baseball. The proverbial diamond of baseball, if you will. But allow me to break thisdown for you by some of my basic tenets. Actually, there is no plural ~ that should read TENET...albeit with some addenda.
The AL is superior day in and day out to the NL. Yes, I know the NL has won the World Series recently - including this year by the Goddamn Phillies. I'm not saying that head to head the AL will win in a landslide everytime. But let's delve a little deeper into my reasoning.
PITCHERS SHOULDN'T HIT! I think I've explored this theorum previously, but now I'll apply to something a tad more pertinent. Namely, the Yankees and their offer to CC Sabathia. Pause for a moment if you will and digest this:
CC Sabathia was traded from Cleveland (AL) to Milwaukee (NL) on July 7.
His Milwaukee Stats: 11-2; 1.65 ERA.
In toto for 2008: 17-10; 2.70 ERA.
Assuming that the onliest people who've made it to this point of my dissertation are baseball people, you can do the math and see that CC had a tremendous 2nd half. You can also see he had it against the NL ~ where you have a guaranteed out at least once every three innings.
Now this is where it can get interesting--I invite any of my readership to show me a pitcher whose gone from the NL to the AL and succeeded. And by succeeded I mean be worthy of a contract greater than 6 years, $138M. Go ahead, I'll wait.
...
...
The AL is superior day in and day out to the NL. Yes, I know the NL has won the World Series recently - including this year by the Goddamn Phillies. I'm not saying that head to head the AL will win in a landslide everytime. But let's delve a little deeper into my reasoning.
PITCHERS SHOULDN'T HIT! I think I've explored this theorum previously, but now I'll apply to something a tad more pertinent. Namely, the Yankees and their offer to CC Sabathia. Pause for a moment if you will and digest this:
CC Sabathia was traded from Cleveland (AL) to Milwaukee (NL) on July 7.
His Milwaukee Stats: 11-2; 1.65 ERA.
In toto for 2008: 17-10; 2.70 ERA.
Assuming that the onliest people who've made it to this point of my dissertation are baseball people, you can do the math and see that CC had a tremendous 2nd half. You can also see he had it against the NL ~ where you have a guaranteed out at least once every three innings.
Now this is where it can get interesting--I invite any of my readership to show me a pitcher whose gone from the NL to the AL and succeeded. And by succeeded I mean be worthy of a contract greater than 6 years, $138M. Go ahead, I'll wait.
...
...
Oh that's right, this isnt interactive. I'll keep on looking for any comments wherein you blast me Peter North style for my statements above. Keep this in mind though. I don't hate the idea of Sabathia or Lowe or Burnett playing for the Bronx Bombers. I don't like the idea of them spending 9 figures on any of them. Lowe and Burnett are already over 30. Sabathia is only pushing 30. But he's also a danger to push 300 - pounds not wins.
I'm not 100% sure what my point is. Other than to say fuck baseball one more time. Then say how much I hate the Yankees when Sabathia signs that ginormous deal and moves into the nearest Old Country Buffet, working on the old Clemens circa 1994 weight watch plan. As in, I watch the weight pile on.
Goddamnit! Baseball is so slow!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
All Hallow's Eve
I know it’s mid-November but I still want to rehash my Halloween for you…
I was in the Burgh that night and I started out on 8th Ave handing out candy to the ninos in the neighborhood. MJ was the great pumpkin and he was a fierce pumpkin. The kid loves picking up Pop’s cane. He already knows what to do with a weapon, his daddy’s proud. Banana and Summation were Bo Peep and a sheep. Summ was so cute as a sheep. It was even cute when she started throwing a tantrum cuz she was so damn tired…
Then the real fun began. I went to the Univ of Pittsburgh to chill with Morty for the night. My brother as you may or may not know is like 6-6, 6-7…fucking tall for the rest of the world. He also has a terrible Jew Fro – this despite not being Jewish. So he bought a white head band and colored orange stripes on each end and went as Jackie Moon. He had his white Nike shorts rolled up and they were waaaaaaaayyyyyy too short – it was awesome.
I went as Jesus Christ. Because it’s awesome. All night long everyone was recognizing me and taking photos. If you’re on myface or spacebook and you see random people with Jesus from Halloween, there’s a decent chance it’s me. Morty was pissed at first because as we go walking down the street, I changed my gait and all night long I walked slowly with my hands folded in front of me. I tried to keep a peaceful look on my face under the beard all night. I thought it was awesome. He did too eventually but at first he was pissed that I was walking so slow.
We first go to one bar and split a pitcher, checking out the scene. I went to check out the up stairs portion and there was a live band so they tried to charge a cover. I asked the bouncer if he could let the son of man in for free and he told me he was an atheist. I instantly smote him.
Up next was a bar on the next block, which I found out later is notorious for shootings. We entered the main portion to an empty house, rifled down a shot and split a pitcher and went to the side with the dance floor. The people in costumes were surrounding the DJ booth. Morty and I made our way up there.
As we got there, the DJ announced a dance competition. We stood in the circle for the cipher and there were some terrible dancers, but there was a blue care bear with the lit belly who was doing the old rave moves from the mid-90s who had some decent rhythm. I let the anticipation build around me and everyone started to chant for their savior by name. the DJ called me into the middle. I walked slowly, then came to life doing every move I’ve ever seen in a music video. I think I even did a lil ‘Crazy in Love’ (just for you amor…).
Then they called in my brother. He looked at me with more fear than I’ve ever seen in him. A whiter man I hath never lain eyes upon. It was bad. It was so bad that he made the semis along with me and the care bear. So we start the semis and Morty is up first. this time around, he strode to the center with a confidence that was a high as his fear the round before. He gets to the middle. And he starts to stretch. It was a piece of comedic genius on his part. They proceeded to boo the ever loving shit out of him. Up next was the Care Bear and it was more of the same. I thought he’d come back with some pop lock but it was just mid-90’s rave moves. I’m up again. To a chorus of ‘Jesus! Jesus!’ chants again. I again bust out more music video moves. I did a lil motorcycle, took it up town for a shake, then brushed the dirt off to the Care Bear and his crew who was now booing me, in the greatest sign of hateration since Pilate sentenced the original Me in the days of yore. The DJ stops it and informs everyone that Morty was eliminated and Jesus and the Care Bear were to come out face to face for a dance off.
The music started and I was still again while the Care Bear went back to the well one more time. I let him go for a minute then when I started getting my chants again, I hit a lil Dwight Howard heart beat to match the rhythm just to get moving. The care bear presented and was grinding his bulbous buttocks against his savior. So I took it down low and started spanking him to the beat which got everyone laughing. The DJ asked the Care Bear to stop and let me go. He didn’t oblige but he moved away and I went back to music video moves. His boys called me out on doing the same shit – which I found funny for the aforementioned reasons. Then the DJ switched it up to Pitbull and I started some Salsa-esque Cha-Cha moves that brought the house down. Because how many times do you see your savior gyrating like a modern day Ricky Ricardo?
They proceed to announce the winner as I head for the nearest stool as I am completely out of breath and feeling like I’m going to vomit. Mid-stride the DJ announce me as the winner and I am to come to the booth to claim my prize. They awarded me a Miller Lite snowboard. On my way to the booth, I asked the Care Bear if he snow boarded, cuz Dad knows my black ass doesn’t do winter sports. He did so I said I’d give it to him. Some bitchy waitress stops me to ask if I even snowboarded. I smote her as well. I asked the DJ for the mike and have no clue what I said then gave the board to the Care Bear. In hindsight, I should have said ‘I can walk on water but I cannot glide upon snow’. But something else came out.
So there’s some douche bag at Pitt with my trophy, probably telling Jesus’ ass in a dance competition. I don’t care because I got a great story, I don’t need the board to justify what happened that night. There is more from the night, but this is long enough for now.
I was in the Burgh that night and I started out on 8th Ave handing out candy to the ninos in the neighborhood. MJ was the great pumpkin and he was a fierce pumpkin. The kid loves picking up Pop’s cane. He already knows what to do with a weapon, his daddy’s proud. Banana and Summation were Bo Peep and a sheep. Summ was so cute as a sheep. It was even cute when she started throwing a tantrum cuz she was so damn tired…
Then the real fun began. I went to the Univ of Pittsburgh to chill with Morty for the night. My brother as you may or may not know is like 6-6, 6-7…fucking tall for the rest of the world. He also has a terrible Jew Fro – this despite not being Jewish. So he bought a white head band and colored orange stripes on each end and went as Jackie Moon. He had his white Nike shorts rolled up and they were waaaaaaaayyyyyy too short – it was awesome.
I went as Jesus Christ. Because it’s awesome. All night long everyone was recognizing me and taking photos. If you’re on myface or spacebook and you see random people with Jesus from Halloween, there’s a decent chance it’s me. Morty was pissed at first because as we go walking down the street, I changed my gait and all night long I walked slowly with my hands folded in front of me. I tried to keep a peaceful look on my face under the beard all night. I thought it was awesome. He did too eventually but at first he was pissed that I was walking so slow.
We first go to one bar and split a pitcher, checking out the scene. I went to check out the up stairs portion and there was a live band so they tried to charge a cover. I asked the bouncer if he could let the son of man in for free and he told me he was an atheist. I instantly smote him.
Up next was a bar on the next block, which I found out later is notorious for shootings. We entered the main portion to an empty house, rifled down a shot and split a pitcher and went to the side with the dance floor. The people in costumes were surrounding the DJ booth. Morty and I made our way up there.
As we got there, the DJ announced a dance competition. We stood in the circle for the cipher and there were some terrible dancers, but there was a blue care bear with the lit belly who was doing the old rave moves from the mid-90s who had some decent rhythm. I let the anticipation build around me and everyone started to chant for their savior by name. the DJ called me into the middle. I walked slowly, then came to life doing every move I’ve ever seen in a music video. I think I even did a lil ‘Crazy in Love’ (just for you amor…).
Then they called in my brother. He looked at me with more fear than I’ve ever seen in him. A whiter man I hath never lain eyes upon. It was bad. It was so bad that he made the semis along with me and the care bear. So we start the semis and Morty is up first. this time around, he strode to the center with a confidence that was a high as his fear the round before. He gets to the middle. And he starts to stretch. It was a piece of comedic genius on his part. They proceeded to boo the ever loving shit out of him. Up next was the Care Bear and it was more of the same. I thought he’d come back with some pop lock but it was just mid-90’s rave moves. I’m up again. To a chorus of ‘Jesus! Jesus!’ chants again. I again bust out more music video moves. I did a lil motorcycle, took it up town for a shake, then brushed the dirt off to the Care Bear and his crew who was now booing me, in the greatest sign of hateration since Pilate sentenced the original Me in the days of yore. The DJ stops it and informs everyone that Morty was eliminated and Jesus and the Care Bear were to come out face to face for a dance off.
The music started and I was still again while the Care Bear went back to the well one more time. I let him go for a minute then when I started getting my chants again, I hit a lil Dwight Howard heart beat to match the rhythm just to get moving. The care bear presented and was grinding his bulbous buttocks against his savior. So I took it down low and started spanking him to the beat which got everyone laughing. The DJ asked the Care Bear to stop and let me go. He didn’t oblige but he moved away and I went back to music video moves. His boys called me out on doing the same shit – which I found funny for the aforementioned reasons. Then the DJ switched it up to Pitbull and I started some Salsa-esque Cha-Cha moves that brought the house down. Because how many times do you see your savior gyrating like a modern day Ricky Ricardo?
They proceed to announce the winner as I head for the nearest stool as I am completely out of breath and feeling like I’m going to vomit. Mid-stride the DJ announce me as the winner and I am to come to the booth to claim my prize. They awarded me a Miller Lite snowboard. On my way to the booth, I asked the Care Bear if he snow boarded, cuz Dad knows my black ass doesn’t do winter sports. He did so I said I’d give it to him. Some bitchy waitress stops me to ask if I even snowboarded. I smote her as well. I asked the DJ for the mike and have no clue what I said then gave the board to the Care Bear. In hindsight, I should have said ‘I can walk on water but I cannot glide upon snow’. But something else came out.
So there’s some douche bag at Pitt with my trophy, probably telling Jesus’ ass in a dance competition. I don’t care because I got a great story, I don’t need the board to justify what happened that night. There is more from the night, but this is long enough for now.
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