How About a Round of Applause for the Kid?

I remember reading an article in 1999 about the Kid. The kid who broke the NBA’s piggy bank. I remember reading that and being saddened by it. One man? Really, one man is the reason the NBA was headed for a lockout? It was just this one kid who was the reason that billionaires were quabbling with millionaires? I was shocked. Even moreso I was hurt. This was my favorite player.

Quick side note: I graduated High School in 2001, the same year as Tyson Chandler. It was my dream to play in the NBA and I knew he was going to achieve it right then, but I ate up everything I could about Tyson. I made Pops buy the Adidas Blue Ribbon guide and read all about him. We had just gotten the internet, but I read everything I could about him, even if it took an hour to load the damn article.

Well, before all that was KG. I read everything on him. This was before I became an ESPN.com 2 junkie. Before I’d ever heard of Bill Simmons. Before I had read Rick Reilly. Before the internet was huge. This was back when ESPN 2 had that cool graphic for in-game box scores. It was purple and had the handwritten 2 like it was graffiti. And I remember the SI articles. They talked about him pre draft. Was this high schooler going to REALLY get drafted as a high lottery pick? Was he really in the same breath as McDyess, Stack and Sheed? And I recall Joe Smith being pretty beastly at the time too.
This is when I came to ‘know’ Kevin Garnett. Do you remember the SI article that had the photos of him playing pool with Jimmy Jam? IDK how many times I read that joint. I was all about it. This was my guy. Tall, lanky, step outside and shoot or back you down and drop one on your domepiece. And on top of that, he was captain of the all-hustle team. This was the guy I wanted to emulate.
I remember the first time I got to see Kevin Garnett. I had tickets over one Xmas break to see him in Cleveland in Bron’s second year. It was amazing. KG never stopped playing. He was always moving, calling for the ball, looking to hit that open space to get a skip pass just so he could dunk on someone. It was a strange contrast to LeBron. He was a little timid – maybe even intimidated. Only a couple times were they face up against each other, but it was awesome to see the old Kid dissect the new Kid.
Well, the Kid grew up and became the Franchise. He never won anything. They said he shied away from the big time, like Webber and KarlMalone. He made only one run deep into the playoffs. The rest of the time he was McGrady’d right out that bitch. Next thing I knew, he was the old guard. I began to question if I’d ever see my favorite player hoist any more hardware. Then IT happened. You know what IT is. The day he was traded to Boston.
Next thing I knew it was all talk about championship this and celebration that. The coronation began right around the same time as training camp. Everyone pretty much obliged, except for those pesky Washington Wizards. There was the loss to the Pistons at home in December. There was the 3-game skid in February. Then the Hawks took them to 7 games. Same with the Cavs. But a home loss to Detroit was all it took to wake the C’s from their funk and right the ship. Now that same kid is a grown ass man with an NBA championship ring. Congrats to The Kid. The kid who was the first Kid since Moses Malone. You can keep Kobe, Tracy, Bronnie, etc. I’ll take this Kid over any of them.

Lupus Got Lucky

So I’m watching the Bad News Bears [the one with Walter Matthau, not that piece of shit with Billy Bob Thornton] and I think I came up with a decent drinking game to accompany the movie. The rules are to take one drink each for the following:

• Every time Tanner gets into a fight.
• Every time Tanner says crud.
• Every time the Mexican kids celebrate, just cuz it tickles me...
• Every time Matthau DUIs.
• Every time someone abuses a kid physically or emotionally [like when he calls Englebert fat]
• But my personal favorite, take a drink every time there’s a racial epithet or sexist remark, anything that generally wouldn’t be PC by today’s standards [this would make the scene where Amanda joins the team a little more exciting]

If you follow these rules, everyone should have a more pleasurable though possibly not memorable time. Remember to keep one sober person on hand at all times to photograph or otherwise record all the ensuing shenanigans. [I'd also like to make a special note for the ABC after-school special scene in the movie. Tatum O'Neal's faux tears are the best part. I'll make this the Joker's Wild portion of the broadcast. You guys choose your own.]
This is the point where the beer commercials say to enjoy the product in moderation, but we don’t vend any of those products here at DylanCorp. So thanks…and enjoy.

The Renewal

I got some random thoughts from watching game 1. I'm happy to see a rejuvenation to the winter sports world championships. The Pens-Wings should get the public consciousness back thinking about Hockey. Also, Pops made a great point. It sucks that the ‘Guins lost last night. But at least now we can focus solely on the NBA finals. I wanna see this one come back east next weekend. I got C’s in 7…

• Man, the C’s cheerleaders are ugly.
• I can’t look at Dick Bavetta and not think of him kissing Charles Barkley after their race. And that in every way is depressing…
• Where did all that early production by Cassell come from? He’s looking like an asset tonight…
• Did Turiaf get hair care tips from the Predator?
• Does anyone have worse facial hair than Paul Pierce?
• How would losing game 1 affect Kobe Bean? Will he say hey we need to gel a little more as a team earlier? Or will he say fuck it, I gotta do it for us to have any chance to win?
• God Sam Cassell looks like Gollum. Can we get him thin, wispy hair too?
• Man I can’t stand Will Ferrell.
• Wait – IDK what’s more surprising/traumatic. Miami actually considering a trade of Dwyane Wade and the number two for the number one pick? Or that I heard D-Wade is dating Star Jones. That bitch looks worse post-stomach stapling than she did before it. [Do you remember Tracy Morgan playing her on SNL spoofs of the View back in the day? I was talking to Barnes the other day about how they need to release and SNL Best Of Tracy Morgan DVD.]
• Was Pierce faking the knee injury to get his Willis Reed moment to energize his teammates and the crowd?
• Man, rebounding really looks like it can be a BIG difference in this series.
• Should Paul Pierce be jumping around in celebration with a balky knee?
• KG with 8 straight misses in the 2nd half? Color me surprised….
• Why is Cassell jacking up jumpers? He should be on the bench, allowing House to play. Goddamnit what a liability tonight...
• I like them showing Pierce on the workout bike and all the fans around him. I mean around him. It looked like they had to be pushed away from that bike. Boston is nuts for this one tonight…
  How about KG saving that near backcourt violation? He had enough presence of mind to flip it high and let his boys set up beneath it…nice play.
• How about Jesus Shuttlesworth hustling after those long rebounds? Somebody wants to win…
• The Great Khali is in Get Smart? And working with the fat producer from Borat? Man I hope there’s no nude fight scene in this one…
• For realsies, the Lakers can’t make a shot OR get a rebound. WTF?
• Game’s best closer huh? Only 4 points with 1 minute to play—for shame sir…
• But seriously, do you think Red Auerbach was sitting atop the Lakers hoop in the 4th quarter just swatting away shots and bounces?

I Told You So

I hate to say that but...wait, no I don't. I shottied Flip getting fired months ago. There was no way he returned if they didn't win the Finals or at least put up a good effort against this Lakers squad. So now here we are - and by we I mean the Detroit Pistons - at a crossroads. Do they try and continue this run or blow it up and start from scratch? Maxiell and Stuckey *might* be guys to lead you back to the promise land. Then again people thought that about Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady.
It really is a toss up in this instance. What are you really going to get for 'Sheed? What about Chauncey, Rip or Tay? I always thought the Pistons as a whole exceeded the sum of their parts. Everyone on that team just gelled and they turned into this swaggering, shot making, shittalking juggernaut - personified by Rasheed Wallace. Therefore none of them have the value that you think a member of a 6 consecutive conference finalist might. Especially now that Billy King and Zeke are unemployed.
IMHO--start breaking it up. I'd only deal 'Sheed in a sign and trade. Even then it's weird cuz you're gonna have to take something in return. He comes off the books after next year. Might as well keep him and let him play next year for next year - the disgruntled quotables would be off hte charts. Maybe he'll play like both teams - hard - or maybe he'll tank it and the Pistons end up with a lottery pick.
I'd think the most tradeable would be Billups. See what I could get out of a team like Portland. Late lottery pick, might could use his expertise, then again he could stunt the growth of Brandon Roy. Maybe he'd be better suited for Seattle, though their draft pick is too high. Honestly, what makes the most sense for him is either GS or Sac. GS could use him in the impending Baron Davis exodus. And Sacto could use him as a mentor for Quincy Douby. Both have the added upside of the late lottery pick. AND they're both out west meaning you wouldn't have to see Chauncey until the Finals IF either of those teams could actually get there.
Beyond that, if I'm Joe D, I'ma take my chances on some middling draft picks to turn it around and get younger. You're not going to find a competent substitute for Sheed but that doesn't mean you can't make a play for a rangy swing man who isn't afraid to bang or take a 3, though none come to mind. Or you can't ask for Ron Ron as part of a Chauncey trade. But you'll never be able to replace 'Sheed. Who else would be on national television and look directly into a camera and say 'Get that fucking camera out of my face. I'm serious.' then flash the Leonard Washingont glare replete with nostril flare and chuck a towel at it.
I'm not gonna lie to you - I'ma miss the 2000 Bad Boys squad....

Chivalry Is Dead....

And women killed it. I’m sorry to break it to you, ladies. But you killed gentlemanly life. I’ll grant you it started around the time of the revolution when the puritans made the voyage across the pond. But it really got going with suffrage and officially died with the second-wave feminist movement. I don’t mean to be a bigot here, but you altered the thing you desire most - male attention.
Now, I think equal rights is the most basic thing we are granted in birth. For all men and women, regardless of race, religion and sexual orientation. But for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Remember in Pleasantville when William H Macy comes home, drops his hat and says ‘honey, I’m home’ but there’s no dinner in the oven and the missus is nowhere to be seen. In order to get your rights to be no longer be ‘barefoot and in the kitchen’ you have to sacrifice a little something - we all sacrificed a little something. And we're all better off because of it.
You wanna go out and make the same wages as me? You wanna work in a steel mill like me? You wanna play sports like me? You wanna be able to vote like me? Then open the door like I do. Stand on the train when there’s no seats like me. And don’t stand right outside the door on the subway when I’m tryna get out – and I won’t do it either.
I came to feel the need to write on this topic because of something I read in Friday’s NY Post. Apparently some woman opened up a dating service where she hooks up American women with British men, their fish + chips, bad teeth and fag smoking. The men like it because ‘there are a lot of very pretty girls in NY, I’ll say more that, more so than in London. And they’re a lot sexier too.’ Color me surprised – who’d you rather have Kathy Ireland and Tyra Banks or…I can’t think of one British model [Joss Stone is fucking sexy though, but that might just be her smoky voice]. And the women like it because the Brits are ‘on time, they open doors, they pull out chars and they’re more attentive’. I’m sorry that doesn’t happen all the time. Maybe if you shallow strumpets dropped your monetary statures and just went after a guy who could do that, you’d be happier. But you want that ‘financial security’. This is the country where Monopoly was born, the most played commercial board game in the world. This shit is cutthroat here. This is the original Wild West. When New Amsterdam wasn’t enough, we expanded and killed off all the natives.
So ladies, you have a choice. We can go back to how it was in the 1800s. Men will open your door and not look for a fuck on the first date, but you’ll be a second-class citizen. Or we can leave it how it is. You can vote, you can make an equal and fair wage but you have to deal with assholes men who’ve heard you scream forever that you’re exactly the same as we are. And you’re precisely right. You deserve to do the same things as any man on this earth. And that includes opening your own doors and pulling out your own fucking chair.