Sue me...

So I’m completely biting this idea, but I have questions of my own – sorry Barnes…

• Antonio McDyess is a major contributor on a championship-caliber team? Whose knees is he playing on? How angry are Knicks, Suns + Nuggets fans?
• With Detroit now eliminated – how long until Flip Saunders is fired? Is Avery Johnson the right man for the job? Can you imagine a stoned ‘Sheed in the first player meeting with the L’il General? Would ‘Sheed inhale a bunch of Helium before the meeting, then just start repeating everything Avery said? I’m brimming here as you can tell…
• I’m not prepared to live in a world where an Eli Manning led team beat the Juggernaut and Doc Rivers is 4 W’s from a world title. [Okay so that’s not a question, but bear with me.]
• If LA somehow blows the Finals to Boston, will Kobe ask to trade the West Conf. trophy for the Larry O’Brien trophy?
• Can we stop comparing Bron-Pierce game 7 to Bird-Nique?
• How funny was ‘Sheed cursing out the cameraman in game 6? Am I the only one surprised that he didn’t get a one game suspension in the playoffs?
• Jason Maxiell might go down as the best Cincy alum since a guy named Robertson laced ‘em up in the 60’s. How does KMart feel about that?
• Will Yao ever return to America?
• What are the odds that over the next couple years that DWade goes home to Chicago, Bronnie joins Team Roc in Brooklyn and Melo does end up at the Garden? Am I the only one who thinks that the Knickerbockers are the losers in that deal? Further more, what are the odds that another five-plus years after that, all three end up in BK – with Bron playing Christina to Wade-Melo’s Britney-Simpson?
• How did the Gasol brothers feel about being traded for each other?
• Which eye does Stuart Scott use to focus on the teleprompter?
• Is there any way in hell the C’s can beat the Lake-Show? Does anyone know where Smush is? Is he upset at all that the Lakers are on the cusp after his departure?
• How ‘in over his head’ did Doc Rivers look in his Game 6 post-game interview? Does anyone playing in the NBA know who Desmond Tutu is?
• Can the Red Sox please finish with the best record in baseball and lose the World Series – thereby making Boston home to the best regular season teams [ever]? [A little off-target, but still…]
  

Mooooe-Nay...Moe-Nay...

“Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp-out runaway decency in the west. Now, you will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.”

I wrote something catchy and kitschy when Sydney Pollack died. But for some reason when someone I grew up watching and actually could say something of substance about, I’m at a loss for words. So I’ve turned to the sage writing of Mr. Mel Brooks. Maybe it’s because it was someone I admired. Maybe it’s because I thought he was an idiot. Maybe I secretly crushed on 1974 Harvey the way Hermano crushes on James Bond, Indiana Jones and Jack Bauer (fag). Whatever the real reason is, this is the first obit I’ve done [including my SITtv news days] where I don’t have any quips. There are no jokes. [Ed’s note: Dylan really loved the Sydney Pollack eyebrows line] There’s nothing witty I could come up with to say except:

I…
Your name…
Do pledge allegiance…
To Hedy Lamarr…
That’s HEDLEY!!!

RIP Harvey Korman. Just know you inspired a teenager in the mid-90s and he’ll always carry something of yours with him every time he’s fortunate enough to have an audience. And any time I pick up an encyclopedia, the first thing I look up is snatch…

Young Man's World

Word began to spread today that Vince Young, the next ‘man who could revolutionize the quarterback position’ almost retired after his first year in the NFL. Apparently he had some personal issues crop up that he wanted to attend to in addition to the building pressure of being an NFL quarterback and the face of a franchise. I have yet to hear any fallout from the Skip Bayless-types saying how wrong it would be for a young man with so much to gain, to forfeit. But I feel it necessary to chime in here in this instance.
I too am a young man, new to the workaday world with the pressures of waking up on time and getting your ass into work – also a time-measured task. I’d by lying if those things didn’t seem daunting at a time when my life revolved around catching Y+R and making time for a good 4 hours of Madden and Tiger Woods each day. I too considered I had made the wrong choice. I was miserable. I arrived at work at 7:15 on a good day and left 4 o’clock on the dot. I took multiple jaunts outside each day to get some fresh air. Meanwhile all I could think about was if The Man had me under full time surveillance or if I could make a break for it and not have it end getting shot in the back like Willem Dafoe in Platoon.
But I sucked it up. I knew I had loans looming on the horizon which would break me if I decided I ‘need more time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up’. So I kept showing up and things started to get better. I was having fun with the guys at work and slowly things started to make sense. I’m not going to sit here and claim that I have my profession figured out, but I’m beginning to get an understanding of it all.
So don’t chastise Vince Young and say that he’s another young black athlete with a horrible attitude. Let’s call it what it is: a young man with a lot on his plate – personally and professionally – that got to him and forced him to reflect upon his chosen profession. And for a young man that can be a daunting task. Everyone hears that alarm on at least one day and says I can’t do it anymore. But the winners are the ones who drag their ass outta that bed and get shit done. Even if I was 15 minutes late…

RIP

Sydney Pollack died Sunday after a 9 month bout with cancer. Director of such films as The Way We Were, Three Days of the Condor + Absence of Malice, his later work included Tootsie, The Firm, Sabrina + The Interpreter. Sadly, I will remember him most for his work in the promos @ theaters walking in on the guy whose crying and breaking up with his girlfriend in the 'I'm sorry is my directing interrupting your phone call' to stamp out rampant douche baggery in movie theaters. I guess if I had to go, that's how I'd want to be remembered. That or the Michael Bay 'Awesome' ads for Verizon FiOS tv service. Pollack had a long illustrious [and AWESOME] career that has pretty much been dormant since I was a born - not to say he hasn't worked or his work declined, just that the bulk of the work occured before the 80s - and for that I apologize. And good sir, we finally have an answer to that age old question - no they don't shoot horses, they just give them really big shots after finishing second in the Kentucky Derby.
He leaves behind a wife, 3 children and 2 eyebrows still seeking to challenge Martin Scorcese's for interstellar domination. Sydney Pollack was 73.

Tim Kurkjian is a douche bag...

There I said it. But I'll lump him in with anyone who thinks that MLB doesn't need instant replay. Timoteo is against it because:

• It'll take too long. The NFL's instant replay is such that the ref's 'go into the booth and are there for five minutes'. I'm sorry sugar tits, isn't there a 90 second timer in place? And there is a timer to keep control of the situation.
• He doesn't want to see it get to the point where people are challenging plays at the plate or at second. To me this is like the people who are afraid that they'll be able to review balls and strikes. Hey Bud + the boys - you know what's amazing: YOU'RE IN FUCKING CHARGE! You have the ability, nay the right to legislate the game. So here's what you do - you make arule that says, no judgement calls like strike zone or safe/out can be reviewed, only fair/foul, HR and fan interference calls can be reviewed.
• Then in 3-4 years, when this has become an accepted by the dinosaurs who run this league, you can consider adding plays at the plate but only to the extent of did he or didn't he touch. HOWEVER, this is rendered moot and void of review if the catcher doesn't follow through on the play and tag the baserunner in question. [Ed's Note: I'm not really a fan of this it's off the top of my head and needs refined I'm sure.]
• Why have a commissioner that looks like Steven Hawking? Fuck quantum physics, explain the fucking infield fly rule to me...From the decisions Buddy's made [tied ASG, ASG determines World Series home field advantage], I think he's paralyzed from the neck up.

I'm sorry I just had to call out TK for saying something really stupid on national television. God I hate baseball...[In case you were wondering, yes I am in last place in my fantasy league. I should be happier though cuz I'm in first in our cash rotisserie league. Big ups Miggy for putting together the winner while I play Jay Z.]

One more thing:

Dear National League - Adopt the fucking DH! Jesus titty-fucking Christ! Why is a pitcher hitting? Dontrelle Willis was one of the best hitting pitchers and he just moved to the AL. What does that tell you? Take yo' ass out the box and off the basepath. Get back in the fucking clubhouse for some treatment to loosen your arm. Now - go out there and gimme more than 100 pitches. If I'm taking the bat away you can go into the 8th. And if you can't? There's a Rican/Dominican/Cuban willing to float here on the door of my '85 Olds Delta 88 who will. And there's an off chance he'll talk funny like Sammy Soo-ser, which will make me laugh...

Glowin in the Garden

So Amor won tickets for the Glow in the Dark tour from Z100 at the Garden on Tuesday night. It was a good night though we were sitting with all the young’ns who also won tickets on the radio. The crowd was quite the odd mix. You had the screaming teens who were there to see Queen of the Annoying, Rhianna. There were the skater punks there for NERD. The hip hop heads for Lupe. And all of them were there to see Kanye West.

• Lupe Fiasco – more than solid performance. I’d love to see this kid in a smaller venue though. Opening up for Kanye in the spacious MSG @ ½ capacity wasn’t conducive to him and his style. He started out by coming on stage with a Napoleon-esque war jacket replete with tails and a large frame in his hands. As it turns out, he went Gold jus that day, so he brought the plaque with him. Great set that left me wanting more and I’m hoping I might could catch him in one of the aforementioned small venues in the near future. Someone let me know if they see an ad for something along those lines.
• NERD – too many suburban youths with no real cultural vibe other than ‘I like when Rhianna repeats the syllable –ella, eh.’ Pharrell and the boys were pretty dope, but again not served for this venue. They were a mosh pit waiting to happen. They had a great vibe and were way louder than necessary, I absoluetely loved it. I gotta say though, that I’ve not been the world’s largest NERD fan, but I did go out and buy In Search Of… after the show.
• Rhianna – I was prepared to come out here and just bash this chick for being a complete whore. [Ed’s note: Dylan doesn’t mean whore in the Puritanical sense, the more proper word would be ‘shill’]. But I was impressed by the time her set finished. She came out and just kinda recited her hits verbatim adding minimal life to them. It was like a giant music video with only one set but enough skanky outfits to make a prepubescent boy wonder what exactly that strange feeling in his Fruit of the Looms was. However she infused a little life into it with a certain slow sad ballad about love lost and [finally] connected with her audience, which consisted mainly of teenage girls screaming and wanting her to repeat syllables, see above and ‘Air’, which sadly wasn’t repeated. That all changed when she finished with Umbrella and brought out her beau Chris Brown who did his ‘Cinderella – ella – ella – ella, eh?’ verse. This was another moment of actual real emoting by the young diva. I would also like it to be noted that bitch dressed like a 2000 version of the 80’s Michael Jackson – the 80s part being the hair, the 2000 part being the nose. [I used to think Lil Kim was hot til she started fuckin with her nose…]
• Kan the Louis Vuitton Don – the tour is a concept show. Ye’s spaceship is stranded in outser space and he has to find a way home. All the songs [or better said, their titles] tie into the theme of the show. And the moral of the story is that Kanye is strong enough to propel himself home. His star is so bright, he glows in the dark – hence the name of the tour. I don’t know what all I could say about the show itself. Kanye pushed that show out from his gullet. The vein bulging from his neck was downright scary. He had this weird vibe like he hated all white people and was trying to kill them with his performance. I also noticed that with his current goatee and his bulging neck vein, he looks like Joey Porter, former LB formerly of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

All in all I had a good time. I don’t know what else I could possibly say without sounding ridiculously racist because ‘white people ruined my hip hop show’ except – did you know that Jay Peterman hosts Family Feud on Ion? I didn’t, but I might watch more often now…

Welcome to New York City

The New York Knickerbockers, laughingstock among pro sports franchises, have filled the coaching vacancy left by Isaiah ‘Zeke’ Thomas’ departure. I personally thought Mark Jackson was a shoo-in for the position. Dude is from BK – maybe he’ll take the helm for Jigga’s King James led New York Nets? –a former Knick and was around Donnie Walsh with the Indiana Pacers. I’da thought that a hometown boy would be able to turn this franchise around. And maybe inspire fellow Brooklyn-ite Stephon Marbury to mend his ways.
The Phoenix Suns made a bold move before the trade deadline to acquire the Diesel, Big Aristotle/Cactus, Shaquille O’Neal. Two years removed from the seven seconds or less, Steve Kerr was headed in a totally new direction. They were heading toward another West Conference Finals appearance, at best, with no real shot at anything beyond in the foreseeable future [when’d they ever get past TimmyD + the International all stars, the Lake-Show just added the Spanish Assassin, NO/Utah are on the way up]. So the Diesel seemed like a logical move for them, I guess. I can recall liking the move at the time – and I still do. But it was a case of too little, too late. How could the Suns gel in enough time to play against one of the best ‘teams’ I’ve ever seen in my lifetime (SAS)?
Head Coach Mike D’Antoni signed off on the Shaq trade, but was unable to make it work into the heart of May. So when it came time to assess things for the future, he no longer felt he could continue with the Suns as their personnel didn’t fit his coaching style. Ahh, but the Knicks [featuring Eddy Curry, Jerome James, ZBo, Q, Nate + Malik Rose] are a wet dream for his run n gun style? So now we get to see a team that has averaged 28 wins since 04 running up and down the floor at breakneck speed. What’s the record for most unconverted one and done trips in a season? How about turnovers?
Meanwhile, the Chicago Bulls remain with a roster of young talent that resembles a collegiate all-star team for the decade, but no coach to lead them. They have the legs to run D’Antoni’s system. They have the athletic talent to put the pumpkin in the cylinder at that breakneck speed. Yet Mike D chose to sign up for the least wanted job in organized sports. The only reason this makes sense is that he misses Brian Colangelo and this way he’ll get to see him 4 times/year. In that case, I salute you Mike D’Antoni for your courage in your situation to give up your job in beautiful Phoenix to move to New York to be closer to the man you love. [Ed’s Note: you forfeit your right to sue by reading this note.]

Only God can Judge Them

For once, I’d like to see the WWE Title change hands a little bit over the next few months. But seeing how as Hunter is on his 12th title reign and I don’t think that they’re going to let anyone pass Ric’s mark, I don’t see that happening. However, I’ll put that shit aside and set up the programs as I’d like to see them for the coming future.

• I’d have Randy win at Judgement Day. Why can’t he go back over Hunter? It doesn’t have to be a clean finish. Just something a little exciting to deal with now. Then have them go onto fight at ONS in a sort of rubber match where in HHH goes over Orton and is the main guy in the company. Then put Hunter into a program with Regal for control over Raw. I’d find a way to get Daddy’s Little Princess involved, but she will be fresh off the second child. I do like HHH as champ more because Cena/Orton were so heavily involved in the WWE title picture for so long it got stale. So you can throw Y2J @ HHH later in the summer.
• I like the Y2J/HBK program, if it was still 1999. But it’s not, so I’m lukewarm to it – at best. I would have one of these guys switch to full on heel mode. They’re setting up for that. HBK as a heel + born again Christian just doesn’t seem like so much fun, so I’d do with Y2J. have Jericho really [kayfabe] hurt HBK. Have him continue to harass Shawn until Hardy comes to HBK’s aid. This is a program I’d like to see. Make this for the no. 1 contendership to HHH’s strap. While either outcome is intriguing, I gotta go with Hunter/Y2J first coming out of SummerSlam. I’d like to see this as we’d be around each of their one year anniversary of return mark. Carry this through Unforgiven/No Mercy. Have Jericho win in a dusty finish where E-E-E-E-Everyone knows that it will be reversed the next night on Raw, but bring Hardy into the fray and have him go at the whole look-dude-I-saved-your-butt-man-can-I-get-a-shot-at-the-strap match. They can play this up for Cyber Sunday and let the fans choose between falls count anywhere, Cage or Ladder match. Those are all winners in my book.
• At this point, the IC strap is merely a decoration that no one seems to be defending, much like the Tag Team straps. I’d get it off Chris, citing some clause where he hasn’t defended it on TV in the contractually obligated timeframe. Then, hold a tourney to get it onto some younger guys. Do what they shoulda done with the KoR tourney a few weeks back. Kennedy, Rhodes, Punk, Smith, Benjamin and a few guys from SD! I’d make it seem like there was a chance that someone new could get at the strap. But in the end I’d put it on Kennedy. I’d love to see this strap restored. Get it off the main event status guys and put it back on the up and comers. You gave Punk the MitB – good elevator for him. But let’s see him fight over something before he gets his shot at HHH [which I’d do for next year’s Armageddon/Rumble]. Have Kennedy take it and fight anyone and everyone. Actually defend that bad boy on TV once in a while. Start with Kennedy-Punk, then have Y2J throw his hat in the ring. By late-summer, I’d try and get Cody Rhodes in some singles action and have him work a program with Kennedy. If that didn’t work out, bring over MVP and have a Kennedy-MVP feud.
• They have a budding tag division [though the impending redneck divorce muddies the situation]. You have Rhodes/Holly, Cryme Tyme, Santino/Carlito, London/Kendrick, Highlanders and the rednecks. Is it too much to ask to get a Haas/Burchill team or something? I think he misses Shelton Benjamin. I like a good tag team division and the main teams they have now are more than capable of working some good matches. So I’d put the champs in a program with Santino/Carlito for now, have a little back and forth with the straps before settling with them on Santino/Carlito. Then have CT get into the mix, but never getting the titles because Santino/Carlito cheat so much. Have someone like London/Kendrick get a match in the meantime and beat Santino/Carlito in a surprise matchup. Then lose in a week’s time to CT. Then get into the full CT-Santino/Carlito program at SummerSlam.

So that's what I'd look at doing through these summer months. And I'd still love to see a stable or two forming. And for those of you wondering where JBL is, I don't know either. He sucks.