NBA Finals Preview

I get the sneaking suspicion that David Stern has been violently ill for the last 12+ hours.  Could you imagine anyone else’s world falling apart so fast?  For a minute it looked like Denver was going to take LA to the brink, but no luck.  Cleveland came out like world beaters for two quarters, then Orl took the first, almost got the second if not for a last second Glory Be, Our Father and Act of Contrition all rolled into one.  Then Orlando did work at home and it was a wreezy.

I thought for sure that Lt. Stern was going to have the fix in for game 6, but the game was in Orlando and his fixing refs only seem to be good at making sure home teams win.  So it was ultimately a lose-lose situation for him.

How did everyone forget so quickly that in January we were discussing who’s the best – Cle, Bos or Orl?  I guess Jameer going down with the torn labrum, being replaced by the supremely talented if untested Skip, was the turning point.  How do you bounce back from losing an All Star caliber point guard down the stretch?

Everyone seemed to be right at first when Orlando wrapped April at 4-5.  Then they went and surrendered home court to a frisky yet overmatched Sixers team.  They stormed back to win convincingly, check the scores for games 5 and 6. 

Next they went into Boston and stole game one.  Go look at that box score.  They went from 30s with 7 left in the half to 54-36 at the half.  Then the series proceeded to oscillate who was up and who was down with no real indication that either home team had a dominant edge.

Finally they land in Cleveland to play the giant juggernaut led by THE monarch.  The uncrowned king coming to claim his throne.  Already bestowed upon by the Evil Emperor as the unmatched supreme talent, the world was his to conquer.  Only, no one bothered to tell D-Ho and the Magic Kingdom soldiers.  Cleveland swept through their first two series, the smallest margin of victory 10 points, coming in the final win over Atlanta.

The Cavs were seemingly untested.  They won when they had to but they were never under pressure.  Not like being on the other side of Orlando’s run in game one.  Cleveland was so very dominant from the beginning of that game but they had no clue how to weather the storm when the time came.  So they wilted.  And they ultimately lost.

So David Stern has his worst case scenario.  He has a finals with no King.  I’m sure Kobe will be a draw.  Ditto D-Ho.  But who is the ‘average fan’ going to tune in to see?  As one of the 20 remaining NBA fans, y’know people who actually like maybe prefer the brand of basketball the L has to offer, I certainly don’t give a shit about the average fan.

I was wholly looking forward to Bronnie V Kobe.  But I’m interested to see how these two teams match up.  I wonder if Orlando has anyone – ANYONE – to man up Kobe.  At the same time, I wonder if LA has anyone to match up with Dwight.  Are you gonna stick Gasol on him?  Pau is a biggity bitch.  I think my little sister could push him off the block.  I guess Bynum is the logical choice.  It’s either him or Lamar Odom.  I guess if you want to win an NBA title in this day and edge, Lamar Odom is the type of guy who you need to have a big series.

I don’t know what I’m getting at.  We are heading for one of the lowly anticipated series in Finals history since San Antone played the Nets.  And it’s a crock of shit.  Basketball, more than any other sport is about match ups.  And there are some good ones here.  How does SVG gameplan for Kobe?  Guard him, double him, triple him, make the rest of the Lake Show beat you.  I’ll take my chances that Fisher, Farmar, Vujacic or LO need to do work for 7 games and attack the shit out of Kobe.  

Remember, this is a 31 y.o Kobe, 12 seasons, 1118 games, over 41K minutes, plus last season’s Olympics.  Granted, Kobe Bean Bryant is certainly not the roll over and die type.  All I mean to say is, he fought so hard in the post-Diesel days to win, what is left in the tank?  Orlando has already defeated one superstar with a solid-at-best supporting cast.  Can they beat another?

Kiss the Rings Bitch!

So I’ve finally made the change over to the NHL playoffs.  Don’t applaud me too loudly.  It took the Pittsburgh Penguins to make the final four of the league for me to give a shit.  And I’ll defend myself thusly. 

Playoff hockey is a grand departure from the first 6 months of the season.  Allow me to elaborate.  The regular season doesn’t matter.  Case in point, the San Jose Sharks won the Presidents’ Trophy for having the best record in the regular season, finishing 53-18.  They then lost 4 of 6 games to a 42-33 team. 

Since the lockout ended, two of the last four Presidents’ Trophy winners have lost in the first round.  The NBA had the team with the best record in the league lose in 2007.  Before that you have to go back to the ’94 playoffs to see the best team in the league lose in the first round.  How is that fucking possible?  Because playoff hockey greatly differs from regular season hockey.

I had an opinion here for what type of hockey wins in playoffs versus what wins in the regular season.  But I don’t have a clue about anything hockey related other than the following:  1) Hockey players smell ~ maybe not them but their equipment.  B) I’ll not watch a sport where the regular season is so goddamn meaningless (see: MLB).  Purple) Mario Lemieux is the greatest hockey player not named Gordie Howe and Wayne Gretzky was a whiny little punk bitch.

As I was saying however – wait, I had a point? – I’m enjoying hockey more thus far than the NBA playoffs, which I’ve watched in their entirety.  I love the openness of the NHL playoffs.  Guys are getting chippy, knees are getting knocked and sometimes fists are needed in order to settle a beef.  In the NBA playoffs, guys get suspended for getting off the bench to see if their teammate is hurt in a scuffle.

I know we, as fans, are still dealing with the fallout of the Malice in the Palace.  I doubt we’ll ever get back to the way the game was played in the 80s.  Do the refs really need to throw that X up over their heads for a flagrant on every good hard play?  Does David Stern really expect to see teams allowing guys open, uncontested layups? 

What is the fundamental difference between the two games that we have one sport that allows the men to sort it out on the ice within reason and another that polices the proceedings like a prison yard?  I’m going to make another list and there are three things on it.  A) The NHL has boards and glass that separate the action from the fans.  2) Hockey players wear pads and there seems to be the unwritten law that you must strip before fighting.  (Time spent removing garters makes it so hard to fight like a man)  Elephant) Hockey players are white and basketball players are black.

Yea, I’m going there.  I’m going to devolve this to a race issue.  My president is black and so is my favorite basketball player.  Look at the 80s.  Still no glass.  Still no pads.  But half the guys on the court were white.  Do you think for a second that K-Mart gets away with the McHale clothesline?  Survey says ~ show me potato salad!

I have no substantive evidence of this other than liking to rile the masses.  I still think David Stern is the best commissioner of the four major sports and hockey (golf has moved up now that Tiger’s back).  But the man has serious issues with his referees.  It’s to the point that it’s ruining the totality of the product.  There are too many shaky and questionable calls for the intent fan to ignore.  Let’s get more young men and women calling these games.  Leave the old white men to keep the book.  Dick Bavetta lost a footrace to Charles Barkley in 2007.  The defense rests…

WWE Thoughts

It feels like I haven’t written about wrestling in forever.  It might just be my imagination.  I have a lot to cover to please bear with me as I sort through all my thoughts.  I’ll try to make them coherent.

First I have to complain – possibly again – about the booking of Randy Orton.  Is it really necessary to make him such a weak champion?  They haven’t done him the favor of having him pin the current champion, center of the ring, without fighting multiple matches that night.  They haven’t let him beat a strong competitor fairly.

Judgment Day was more of the same, apparently.  Randy got himself disqualified after Batista began to mount a bit of offense.  I guess I’m just conflicted by the whole thing.  I do understand booking and how to position these guys.  I remember for years when I was younger hating Triple H.  Now he’s one of my favorites. 

I think we’ve seen all these guys go through their petulant youth.  Then they grow into the face of the company role.  Unless your name is John Cena.  Come to think of it, Hunter and HBK might be the only guys to go through that petulant youth.  Then again, how many guys are tabbed as the future of the business? 

I suppose this just falls into the category of with no competition the WWE doesn’t have to push the envelope.  So they can sit back and plot the same things over and over because they know it works.  It sucks for the smarks but it is what it is, I guess.

I just saw a commercial for the upcoming WrestleMania DVD.  I couldn’t have been more underwhelmed with a 25^th anniversary.  It just didn’t play out well and I think it gets back to what I said in the last paragraph.  Every match seemed to run so slow.  I found myself wondering why everything flowed like a Hulk Hogan match. 

The only match that had a flow to fit its combatants was HBK-Taker.  I totally understood why those two were fighting at that pace.  They’re about 50 years old.  But the MITB has devolved into a spotfest and the flow is very disjointed.  The Hardy Bros match was similar.  I just couldn’t say enough bad things about the entire card. 

Now they want me to drop dough on the dvd.  Which I’d consider if only for the WWE HoF material.  But if I didn’t get last year’s with the Ric Flair stuff, why would I get this year’s?  Because it features The Rock.  You people don’t know me well enough…

This is His Legend

If you haven’t seen I Am Legend, skip this post.  I won’t give away too much but I’ll be talking about some of the details from the film.  Consider yourself warned….

So I finally got to watch I Am Legend today.  I hear you now.  That flick’s from 2007.  What’s your fucking problem asshole?  Have you been under a rock the last couple years?  Take your penis out of the penny tray.  (My apologies to the good people at the liquor store, it was a metaphor for how I felt about the price of the champagne.)

As I started saying, I got to watch a Will Smith movie from two years ago.  I was highly impressed with it.  I knew I would be after hearing things about it.  and amazingly enough, I was able to stay away from a given away ending.  I knew some things about it.  but I iddn’t know exactly how it ended.

I don’t quite know how to feel about the film.  I had no clue what the genesis of the infection was.  I was amazed by the simple plot.  Woman.  Cures.  Cancer.  I mean how many people WOULDN’T be on board for that one?

Could you imagine keeping this secret from the general public?  I thought of the inherent flaws in a system where you administer an inoculation that works then pass it off to the general public.  I want to say the FDA has something of a waiting period from drug testing to mass distribution.

But could you possibly keep this away from cancer patients?  How many cancer patients are given a death sentence?  Hell if you have a death sentence already, why wouldn’t you take a swing for the fences?  It’s such a simple plot device.  I absolutely loved it.  Everyone and their mother’s third cousin from Tennessee would be wholly on board for beating cancer.

It was also great to see Will Smith doing his best Tom Hanks.  I gotta give more credit to Hanks however.  Hanks was working with a volleyball (VOIT!!!!!!) whereas Smith at least had a dog.  It might not be able to communicate with him fully, but it is alive.  The scene with Sam in the lab was amazing.  The pain in his eyes.  Then of course he sets up the infected at the Pier.

The woman and her son was a nice touch.  I think I would have reacted the same to dealing with people again.  I loved the line about saving the bacon.  As if that made his spazzing out acceptable.  It was also cool seeing NYC without anyone in it.  The overgrowth and everything there.  It was quite the unique world.  I’m interested to know how they did it.  I assume it was all green screen, because how could you possibly have that much empty space in the city?

I’ll do my best to not give away the ending.  But it definitely left an impression.  I was jumpy for the first hour or so after watching it.  I hope I can sleep tonight, NOT in the bathtub.  I was definitely affected by it.  I think that’s the most I can say about any piece of art.

Re: The Bacon-Pancake Debates

After reading Pancake’s interview answers, I felt the need to respond in kind.  I’m going to go down in order of the questions he originally asked. 

1 – I can’t believe you fucking picked Alexander Ovechkin.  This kid is my sworn mortal enemy.  And you pick him to roll with.  The only thing that would be worse is if you picked Eric Lindros.  I can’t say enough bad things about this little cunt.  I’m moving on.

2 – Again, I’m flabbergasted.  I can’t believe you picked Hypnotized.  That’s my least favorite Biggie song.  Do know he hated that record?  I know the significance of it, with the funeral and all.  But I’m not a fan.  I mean, of ALL the Biggie songs you could pick.  Why this one?

3 – Yea, I can’t argue with this pick.  As a Pittsburgher I was born and bred to hate WVU. It’s basically the safety school for everyone who can’t get into LaRoche, Point Park, Allegheny, PSU, Pitt or Duquesne.  And I had to leave that St John’s team off cuz they didn’t win much of anything.  I was going for championship teams with my selections.  And they all were until that Cincy team, but that’s only because K-Mart got hurt in the conference tourney.  I think that’s why I didn’t pick the Fab Five squad.  That and that they lost to UNC.  And none of them had any significant careers in the L, other than to be known as chokers.

4 – Another great pick on your part.  Alas, as someone without a regular job, this would not be as totally relevant to what it is that I do.  So I couldn’t go for it. 

5 – C’mon.  ‘I Know What Girls Like’ is a terrible record along with most of the other ones on that album.  It’s so fucking weak.  Volume 3 is a better album than Volume 1.  It’s a sleeper album.  It’s a darker Hov, the Outro record, the Dame Dash dance.  I’m moving on again…

6 – I’m kinda shocked that you think Rachel McAdams and Gabby Union are first round picks.  I don’t see them enough in the public conscience enough to garner first day status.  How do you think LiLo falls to day 2?  I think her insanity moves her to Day 1.  Who doesn’t love a crazy big titted woman?  Ditto Kelly Clarkson.  That bitch sells how many fucking records.  It’s a white bitch from American Idol that I’VE heard of.  What does that tell you about her status?  I do love Rachel Nichols too.  Though I’m concerned about that nose in person.  But she definitely is a late round pick.  And good call on Sue Bird.  I’ve had a crush on her since she was in school.  Did I ever tell you I sat 10’ from her after she graduated?  I took my sister to Swin Cash’s day camp and Sue Bird and Tamika Williams were in attendance.  She was so fucking cute.  I didn’t have the balls to talk to her though.  I’m such a biggity bitch.

7 – If you wanted me to base it on rappers, why didn’t you fucking say so?  Besides, other than Big, what other rapper ever referenced KoNY?  Maybe if you were sober for more than 8 hours a day this would have been clear to me.

8 – That’s not an occupation so much as a death sentence.  I declare shenaniganz on you.  I don’t think you fully answered this question. Meanwhile, I declare my intentions to make and distribute adult films.  Get on the ball, Pancake.  I think I’ll make a movie with that title….

9 – That’s so great.  I love that we allow the dumbest things to keep us from women.  I have to say, back in the day my biggest joy was when someone would bring around a girl.  After she left I’d immediately note her big nose, lazy eye, crooked tooth, etc.  And the ‘relationship’ would be over almost immediately.  I loved ruining bitches for you guys.

10 – Dude, such a good weekend.  I had a glorious time.  It was totally ridiculous the whole way around.  You in the suit.  Me in the fedora and Wu Tang shirt.  All while telling people I was a doctor and you were my professor.  And I still maintain that she was incorrectly describing nanotechnology.  I was playing to the top of my intelligence.  You just suck.

The Adventures of Pancake and Bacon

So Barnes sent me a list of questions last week to answer.  We'd have this interview and  you could compare our answers.  Like anything else we do, its purpose was (I believe) that hilarity ensues.  Go ahead check that joint out.

http://thebarneyshow.blogspot.com/2009/05/pancake-bacon-debates.html

Point of order, I'm Bacon and he's Pancake.  Please, don't ask....