WrestleMania XXV

The morning of the Super Bowl of professional wrestling and I have yet to weigh in on it. Tsk, Tsk. How dare i? Fuck that – how dare they! I’m so not looking forward to this WrestleMania. It’s total sacrilege for a smark like me. But it’s so true this time around. I don’t know where to start so I’ll just run down the list and let the chips fall where they may…I’ll preface this by saying I’ve not been religiousliy watching Raw/SD! on a weekly basis so you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I will however stand by them, because if I expected more, I’d have gone out of my way to see more of the shows.
First and foremost I’m not impressed with the bookings. I agree that Jericho has been doing some of the best storytelling to this point but Piper has had like 4 hip replacements, Snuka is 97 and Steamboat retired 15 years ago. Last time I saw him try to take a bump on Raw a while back, it was not pretty. I hope that those three got themselves into as good a shape as possible. I’m of the mindset they did because the egos associated with working in the squared circle dictate that you don’t want to have a match on the sport’s grandest stage. Though I think Piper is there because of the pop he’ll get and don’t expect much from him in the ring.
Having said tha, there is a bright light here. I’d love to see this bring in a new crop of next generation guys. Snuka’s son is on Raw and being wildly underused. He and Manu were aligned with Legacy then cast asunder, presumably due to an inability to work at the level of Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. Hopefully that’s been worked at, and you can introduce those guys, maybe along with Ricky Steamboat Jr. And if those guys can’t have a good match with the Lionheart, they should be out of the business. I think Pops on his two rebuilt wheels could have a match of the year candidate with Y2J – he’s just that damn good. Hell he made JBL look half alive and pertinent.
Hey, that feels like a great time to segue. The Texas RattleSuck is going to fight the half pint, double hearted hero, Rey Mysterio. Five years ago this would have been great….wait, what am I about to say? This match would have sucked any time. And it most certainly will Sunday night. I just hope both of them can make it through without breaking a hip. This does seem appropriate however to mention how much I enjoyed old school ReyRey. I remember when he got lawn darted into the production van by Big Kev on Nitro. Now? I don’t think Kev could lift him. Okay, bad analogy. But my point is that he’s perpetually hurt and he’s become a shell of his former self. And I think it has to do with the WWE culture of ‘big’ – ness. I think in all the shit that we’re seeing with these guys dropping dead, that needs to be discussed. But the aforementioned competitive nature kicks in and you wanna keep up with the Jonses. So you bulk up to make it to the show…
Speaking of depressing, how bad can this Hardy Boyz match be? I mean, can it be an all time bomb (and I don’t mean Swanton)? It does have the element of extreme rules going in its favor. But that’s like putting mag wheels on a dump truck (sorry, I’ve been watching old Double-A promos). Jeff Hardy is a good worker. I dig the stories he tells in the ring. I like the bumps he’s willing to take and splashes he’s willing to make. But Matt Hardy has always been tits on a bull to me. Dude is a great tag team wrestler – one of my favorites and a tremendous compliment to his brother’s skill set. But he’s never had it in a singles match. He doesn’t possess that IT. I’ve never seen him and been totally enthralled. Randy Orton is a guy you can’t take your eyes off (no homo) ditto Hunter, Cena, Taker, Michaels. Matt Hardy comes on and I run for the concession stand.
I wish I could say I was more hyped for the Money in the Bank ladder match. This shit should go elimination style for the first 15 mins just so we could get rid of Henry, Kane, Finlay and MVP. Yet if they did that I’m sure we’d see Shelton Benjamin go out almost immediately. Why do they seem to hate the gold standard? I suppose he doesn’t meet standard practices in the ring. I don’t know if it’s work ethic or attitude, but it sucks. I’m a big fan of his, likely the most athletic mother fucker in the WWE but it seems he’ll never (get a chance to) put it all together. Enough of that though as the main purpose of the match would seem to serve as a vehicle to get Christian off ECW. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this match who didn’t think that Captain Charisma was going to win the match. Dude was king of the TLC matches back in the day and they need no reason to get him off their dud of a Tuesday night snoozefest. More on this a little later…
This Taker/Michaels match would be amazing if it was 1995 and I barely had hair on my scrotum. Alas, it’s 2009. Shawn is Hulk Hogan level bald, has no knees, a fused neck, a fucked up back (didn’t that come from a match with Taker? Or was that the neck from being tossed head first into the cage? Can someone clarify?) and I have a forest down there. Last year I had to deal with HBK ‘ending’ the ‘career’ of the ‘Nature’ Boy. (Damnit!) So help me God if he ends the Deadman’s WM streak, I will never EEEEEEEEEEEEVER watch wrestling from Houston on April 5th again, but I’ll finish this broadcast, albeit under protest. Taker has done a great job taking his career to different level these last few years. He still does the Old School rope walk but it’s not like it was back in say, ‘95. I like how he’s begun pacing his matches. It’s his version of a Hogan match, except there’s a display of legitimate wrestling skill. It’s slower but it’s equally as brutal as ever, it just comes off as more deliberate. I think it was a great move to turn him into an MMA-style fighter. The triangle choke (I tried to spell it the technical way, but was struggling with the spelling) was a nice touch for him. All in all, this match better not end with Mr Wrestlemania having his hand raised. I might cry…
All of which brings me to the main events of the evening. What’s that you say? There are other matches. That may be true but…suffice it to say that I will be going to the concession stand A LOT during the broadcast. The booking of the main events feels rushed. The Raw main event is a new version of the match from last year. The SD! main event is a mishmash of a mismatch but I get it. This match is going to justify the contract Vinnie Boy has given to Big Show. John Cena is going over by slamming Show in the middle of the ring. I’d be impressed if they hadn’t played this card before. When did Cena fight Khali and hoist the googly retard up for an FU? It wasn’t that long ago, was it? Alas, that didn’t happen at the Grand Daddy of the WWE. So we’re left with this version of David v. Goliath. But with pipes like that, John Cena hardly fits the bill for David. Now if they have Edge slam Show, I’d be impressed by that. I just hope the Rated R Opportunist doesn’t hurt anything lifting him. I mean, Show outweighs my Honda Civic, right? If I hit him with my car, it’d fall apart and I’d be left sitting in a makeup stained bucket seat holding a steering wheel. (Thanks CheeChee…)
No matter who wins, I think this is when Christian should cash in his money in the bank. Edge cashed his in and thus was born the ultimate opportunist gimmick. What better way to usher Christian back into the WWE lexicon than one upping Edge and not waiting even 24 hours? Soon as the match ends have him come down straight away with a ref and win the strap. Bonus points if he beats Edge in a nice touch of one upsmanship against his former partner. Negative points if he beats Cena. That fucker better not get anywhere NEAR 15 title reigns. I’m already irked enough that HHH is going to eclipse Flair, I don’t need to think about the Dr. of Thugganomics going that route as well.
And the main main event of the evening. And this damn well better be the last match of the night. There’s no reason anyone other than the winner of the Royal Rumble should fight in the final match at Wrestlemania. (As an aside, I think the only good match I’ve ever seen Batista have is when Taker won the rumble and they fought. Unfortunately VKM [rightly so] didn’t think Batista could work decently enough to be his main event. Such a shame because Taker carried the Animal to a really good match.) So it feels like this match was rushed into and just thrown together over the last few weeks. I know they’ve been building this one and I’ve praised this Orton character. But I’m not looking forward to this match. It was done last year. I’d rather see Orton/Edge though that would mean one of them was a face, and I don’t think there’s anyone else to play a top tier heel in the WWE right now. I suppose they’ve done a decent job of building this storyline, but I’m not impressed. The home thing was done before and so much better with Austin and Pillman. I do love the idea of Orton deliberately going after Stephanie. I thought him kissing her was a beautiful if disgusting touch. Though I fear we’re headed for the Orton-McMahon era. Vince is good for family disputes. I think this ends with Steph telling Hunter that she loves bad boys and that’s what drew her to him in the first place. And now he’s not bad enough for her, so she’s going to join the most evil of them all. Vince kinda has to go this route. I think I’ve hashed this out before. For the first time in a long time, they have a bad guy who’s over Vince. He’s been the top heel in the company for a long damn time. They need to continue to advance Orton to new depths. Plus, you have the ability to explore the space with Hunter in that situation. He can do all sorts of bad guy stuff, which he’s good at, all while still being over as a face because Orton stole his wife. I can’t think of anyone in the crowd who won’t cheer for that.
So there you have it. I know I didn’t get much into the booking end of things. I touched upon it but they’ve done such a terrible job with these matches that I don’t even want to think how some of them are going to end. I’d rather focus on how the storytelling in the ring plays out. Much as I think Taker/Michaels is an over the hill matchup, I think it has a good chance to steal the show. Two vets, playing to the home crowd, on the biggest stage they have. One who claims to be Mr. WrestleMania. One who, by viture of 17-0, IS Mr. WrestleMania. I also hope they have a few twists – good ones. I hope there are just 7 corpses left at the end of the MITB match. I hope I don’t have to watch Cena FU Show then have a pose down with the Hulkster. And I want a fucked up finish to the Orton/Hunter fight. I don’t think I ask too much, do I?