It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

I’m thoroughly enjoying the playoffs this year.  Everything that’s going on has been thoroughly enjoyable.  Admittedly, I’ve been following the NHL playoffs only through SportsCenter.  And I’ve been watching predominately the late NBA games.  However, getting home late has afforded me the opportunity to watch Inside the NBA on TNT nightly.  No homo, I love having EJ, the Jet, C-Webb and Charles in my life on a nightly basis.  I really like how Webber clams up right around 1:55 every night, never fails…

Hockey has been entertaining.  I love when things go wrong and the number 1 seeded San Jose Sharks going down to the 8^th seeded Anaheim Ducks has been the best.  My ‘Guins beat down the collie molesting Philadelphia Flyers.  (And I don’t mean to imply that I actually follow the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Just a little bit of local pride – I enjoy the run and love when anything Pittsburgh is doing well.  Except Terrelle Pryor.  But that’s only because I hate Ohio.  Almost as much as I hate West Virginia.  I’m happy Pittsnogle is fat and teaches special education now…)

Furthermore I’m oddly content that Barry Melrose got fired earlier this year by the Ning.  I just don’t believe anyone else telling me anything about hockey.  I’m glad the Rangers and Devils both shit the bed.  However, that means that the Washington Capitals are still in the playoffs.  I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t like Ovechkin.  He’s like a Russian Border Collie molester or something.  Maybe I’m spoiled by my workman-like hockey Gods.  But I think LeMeiux is the best hockey player of all-time NOT named Gordie Howe.  And I think Crosby has the chance to be the best hockey player of this generation.  He just has to rise to this occasion now and outplay that lil Capital Cunt.  Oh, and I hope things are particularly sour between Ovechkin and Gene Malkin.

As far as the NBA playoffs go, I’m happy to see Davey letting the men play the game.  This tournament seems chippier than those in recent memory.  Maybe it’s just the Orl-Phi series and Dwight ‘I don’t care who you are, my elbows will kill you’ Howard.  What are the odds that he took a cut at Lee just to show that he wasn’t aiming for Dalembert, his elbows flail as though separate from the rest of him.  Talk about your all time backfires.

Then you have the coaches coming up big as well.  Did you see the guy from the Rangers?  Dude had a stick and was ready to climb over the glass to get to a fan.  Look, I’m not an advocate of charging the stands and fighting the patrons.  But if it’s escalated to the point where an implement of blunt death need be summoned, I think some deeper issues need be reconciled.  Doc Rivers had my favorite line after game 4 of his series with Chi-Town.  ‘Maybe we like the pizza. It’s frickin’ good.’  If this were the NFL, Doc Rivers would have been drawn and quartered.  And his children raped.  (Though the last part would probably just be a regular Saturday night for Pacman…fuckin’ West Virginia) 

Phil Jackson said if he were building a franchise he’d start with Dwight Howard and everyone was up in arms that A) he didn’t pick LeBron and B) was that a back handed slap at Kobe?  Look, Phil and Kobe are natural enemies along the lines of me and white women – some things just aren’t meant to be…And for the first accusation.  Yea, maybe it’s a little dig at Bronnie.  Maybe he’s tryna rent space in that Global Icon head of the King’s.  Or maybe still, the Zen Master realizes the one caveat of basketball that I was told when I was 11 (I think it was meant as a deterrent for me).  You can’t teach size, but you can coach it, unless it’s attached to Shawn Bradley.

My favorite coaching quote though came from Ron Jeremy, I mean Stan Van Gundy.  After D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho was called for a normal foul and not ejected, Philly’s coach DiLeo made light of the situation to the press and said he would request the league look into it.  As soon as SVG sat down he asked if he should talk about the game or cry about the officiating.  He didn’t know what he was there to do.  I loved it.  Even the coaches are getting’ chippy.  Remember, his big brother hung onto Alonzo Mourning’s leg for a quarter-length of the court back in the 90s, I think the Van Gundy’s know how to scrap.

Lost in everything is the surprising outcomes from Texas.  I don’t know that I wrote it (and I’m too lazy to review) but I thought that Dallas was way overrated, worse than Detroit.  Then they came out and put it on the Dy-Nasty.  I know you’re going to talk about a hobbled a TD and a missing Argentinian.  I don’t care.  Dallas went in there and pillaged the Alamo.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Dirk got blitzed off Heffeweisen and pissed off the Riverwalk for an added fuck you.

Even better is how Houston is handling Portland.  Game 4 was a fucking clinic.  Houston had no business being in the game with how they were shooting.  Portland had no business being in that game with how they were working.  In the end, the horses won.  Houston simply held court at home and can close out tomorrow night in the House the Chinaman built.

And I won't even mention N'Awlins total no-show this post season.  I know they're without Tyson Chandler.  But how do you lose by 58?  In the playoffs no less.  This definitely has to hurt Chris Paul's MVP status.  Do you think there's any chance in hell that Bron or Kobe go out like that in the playoffs?  Even Dirk Diggler's MVP year a few years back wasn't so unceremoniously.  And I hear you that he's hurt, but 58?  Fifty-fucking-eight?!?!  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I have to move on...

This Celtics-Bulls series has been the best in show thus far.  Everyone and their mother’s tomato plant, wrote off the defending champs soon as it was announced that KG would be out for the entirety of April, May and June.  (Though I still maintain that the Big Ticket would return for game 7 in Cle if it meant numbers18 and 2.  Again stop reading if you don’t get that.)  I was going so far as to declare the C’s to be my dark horse finals favorite, along with Portland.  Then they both went out and lost game 1’s at home.  This is why I stopped wagering on sporting events. 

I don’t think that either of these teams make it out of the next round because they will have exerted so much energy in this series.  But Orlando can’t put Philly away and D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho was suspended for game 6.  This Bos-Chi series reminds me of the Big East tournament.  Just heavyweights throwing haymakers.  That’s all they know how to do.  And it’s great but it ultimately won’t win you the ‘chip this year.  I do thank God every night, however, that the NBA expanded the first round to seven-game series a few years back.

And by the way, I think that Rondo foul was way worse than D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho's.  Howard was definitely chippy but Rondo took an open shot at an opponents head.  After the game, Doc praised Rajon for his heart, saying that you don't give up easy layups, especially in the playoffs.  I agree with the sentiment whole heartedly.  I don't agree with Rondo's methods.  It wasn't a smart foul.  He was nowhere near the ball.  Brad Miller should have had a hoop and a harm, but I fear he had a Nam-like flash back to the Diesel swringing past his ear.  It just seemed the dumber of the two.  Howard's was meant to be incindiary and he probably should have been ejected, but not suspended for this next game.  Whereas I think Rondo should have been whistled for the L-2 and sent packing for game 6.  (Sorry, no of that frickin good pizza pie for you Rajon!)

I know I’m looking forward to the main course.  LeBron vs Kobe.  23 vs 24.  King James vs Jack Bauer.  Everything else is just gravy right now.  The NBA is so much better than everything else out there.  The league finally grew into itself.  The younger teams are right there poised to make a run one of these years.  The old guard sunk early this year, but San Antone will be back.  I wrote earlier what I think of Detroit.  This is the best part of 40 games in 40 nights.  First one to 16 wins…

Both Teams Played Hard

Is it me or has anyone been rendered more irrelevant in a shorter amount of time than Tracy McGrady?  I’ve been watching this Houston franchise the last few years in the playoffs just roll over and die.  And every year it’s the same pre-season spiel.  Maybe this is the year that the Rockets put it together.  Well this year it finally was.  But it’s thanks to the selfless play of guys like RonRon and Battier, as well as a young roster who was ready to do into battle and fight with honor.

That wasn’t the point to this article though.  I was looking moreso to talk about the Eastern Conference playoffs.  Earlier Sunday afternoon, John Saunders said last rites over the Detroit Pistons 2008-2009 season.  For those of you who don’t know, Cleveland ended the Pistons season in a particularly unspectacular sweeping motion.  When I heard Saunnie proclaim the death of the Pistons today I thought he got it wrong.

The Pistons were dead the day they traded C-Bill for AI.  C-Bill, as it turns out, was the heart and soul of this mini-dynasty they had kicking in MoTown.  He took the big shots, he ran the show and he made sure all the egos enmeshed and worked properly.  AI needed the rock more than made Rip an efficient player.  Then he took Rip’s spot and it just seemed to put the team down.

That pretty much sucks, because you’re looking at a squad in transition.  Tay still has a bit of fight left in him.  At least enough to play the KG-ish role on another championship caliber team.  Stuckey might be able to be the guy to lead a team in the right direction, so long as he doesn’t have to deal with Mr. WeTalkinBoutPractice and Mr. CTC. 

I’m not bashing AI and ‘Sheed to make them look like the villains of the Western world.  They’re two of my favorites and I think they can bring a lot to the table in the right situation.  I think that situation exists for Rasheed.  Off the top of my head, I don’t know where it is.  I think he’d be a fine fit for somewhere that has a strong alpha male.  I think Phoenix could be intriguing for ‘Sheed.  They’ve got enough of the good guys to keep him in line.  And he could be hella useful in a modified SSOL-system.  (I had started to write that he COULD return to Portland, but there isn't enough of an Alpha yet up there to keep him in check.)

AI is a tougher sell at this point.  Where can he go?  A team like OKC isn’t even an option because he needs the ball too much and they have too many impressionable youths that he could outright ruin.  I don’t think he’s willing to play second fiddle to anyone.  And that’s the main problem for him.  Charlotte might could work for him, but that’s assuming Jordan has anything to do with the Bobcats and would be around to impart some wisdom for Alley Eye.  Memphis maybe would work because they’re just a side show at this point, same as Iverson.

Granted, upon further review, the Billups trade makes sense from a financial standpoint.  Those last two come off the books this year to the tune of some $30M.  I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me nor do I know what Chauncey’s deal is worth.  There is one thing that I’m willing to bank on though – Joe D’s knowledge of what he’s doing with his squadron.  I’d go out on a limb to wager that he’s ready to hand the reigns over to Rodney, get a couple more good years out of Rip and Tay, watch Maxiell, Will Bynum and Afflalo grow, see if this Kwame Brown experiment pays dividends and let McDyess step into the big brother role.  Then move on a big name this summer, coupled with a solid draft.  Or hell even use the cash considerations to buy a lottery pick from a cash strapped team and develop the hell out of someone. 

That thought process might not fit into the life plan of Richard Hamilton.  But I think there is enough of a market for Rip that you can even move him despite his one year price tag of $11M+.  He could be that guy who pushes a team thisclose over the edge.  Imagine him on a one year rental in Houston, Portland or NO.  I’m not going to consider anyone from the East because I don’t think Joe D wants to knowingly give a guy like Rip to a potential foe.  Imagine Rip in Miami – I think Dwyane Wade would like that muy mucho.

What the hell was I saying?  Oh yea, I was lamenting that the demise of the Pistons extended back to the original Billups trade.  Today was merely the lowering of the casket and the last few months were an extended wake, allowing the rest of the L to see the corpse of the team that has contended for the Eastern Conference title the last 6 year running.  Today we said goodbye to a friend that we really lost a while back when the cancer (Iverson) took over and became inoperable (taking Rip's spot).  It was also so fitting that ‘Sheed just walked out after the game.  No memorable quotes or nothing.  He just walked out of the locker room, headphones at his temples.  Good bye Rasheed, here’s to seeing you in the desert next fall…

General Random Debauchery

I was fortunate to take part in a great sociological experiment yesterday.  I am a huge fan of these.  They’re so much more fun when you have people there with a camera.  And I’m good at them because I have the ability to not break character – at least that’s what the legend in his own mind thinks…

Any rate, it was our last day on the set of Zombie Chronicles (www.whataretheinfected.com, peep it) and we the shot list was a little erratic.  We had to shoot the zombies big scene, a hallway chase then the action that follows, with the zombies camped out at the front door.  (I think I’m not giving much away in anything I’ve said.  Apologies if you think I am…)  After that, there were some interiors between the humanoids for which the zombies were not needed.  then we would finish off the night with an interior for which the zombies WERE needed. 

Well, Marvin was kind enough to give us a 2+ hour break.  Some of the zombies elected to take off their make up and get redone.  (Shouts to Arielle for doing a great job filling in on short notice.)  I, along with my boy Leon elected NOT to remove the make up.  the extended ‘lunch’ went well enough at first with us just going outside the building and chilling on the benches.  But that was far from enough.  We decided to hoof it down to the South St. Seaport.  (The location was right near the Manhattan Bridge, so not too far a jaunt.)

We took the bike path along the East River passing families with kids who were slightly horrified.  We past a few couples on dates and their conversations just stopped dead.  There were the guys finishing who just stopped and stared.  On the way back there was one drunk who asked me if I was Michael Jackson, then proceeded to belt out a drunken rendition of Thriller.

The best part was when we did get to the Seaport though.  It was just your normal average beautiful spring Saturday for many of the families, couples and groups of friends – until they saw a yolked black zombie with a gaping head wound and a big white zombie bleeding from his ear.  (Such a great wound, I have to pat myself on the back for the idea…)  So we rolled up on a group standing and watching the dancers/acrobats.  I was hoping to get in behind a group of people and have one of them turn around and have the black family at the movies reaction.  No such luck however.

We continued to the inside because the fat kid had to make pee-pee’s.  the stares were just great.  There was a little kid who came in the bathroom and ended up going next to me.  Then he looked up and I think he won’t go again for a couple weeks.  That’s how fast he stopped midstream and ran off.  I felt bad for that one because I was doing my best to not make extended eye contact with anyone.  I didn’t want anyone to think I was staring them down. 

I liked it better just walking through looking dead ahead with unblinking eyes.  I would change up my facial expressions too.  At first I was going with the cold dead ahead blank Terminator stare.  Then I started to mix in the pained look like I had just caught an ass whooping.  (I did have a badly bloody ear as it were.  Oh and a white T with dripping blood.) 

Victor was great too because he took some video which I hope he posts to facebook of people stopping and staring on our walk.  There was one guy who was taking pictures of Brooklyn, then stepped in front of us and I walked very close by him.  He turned to see who was invading his personal space and looked right into my bloody ear.  Then Leon was right behind me with the gaping head wound.  Priceless.

It was overall just so much fun.  Kids were scared.  Adults were shocked.  Short Asian people were horrified.  Then we had to go back to work.  And it just lacked a lil of the panache.  Until I started dancing to the one song, ‘I can’t take it any longer … I hate this part right here…’  I was gettin down, son!  Much love to my zombie peoples and please peep the site – www.whataretheninfected.com  There are so many people’s hard work that have gone into the project.  It is still my understanding that this project is just one in a series.  Thank you guys for a great experience.  Good times had by many…mostly those who weren’t at the South St. Seaport yesterday around 6:30 PM…

Draft Notes

I wish I could say I had a true horse in the race tomorrow for the Steelers draft.  Sadly I don’t.  I think I’m cool with them going after the best available.  The most sensical rumors I’ve heard thus far came from Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.  (I’m nice like that son!)

Eddie B said that they’re looking at a defensive lineman.  They have a very good D-Line right now, but everyone there is over age 30.  I’m cool with that.  The boys always gotta reload and they know the right way to do it.

I also wouldn’t be mad if they got a DB or someone for the OL.  I’m interested to see if they move that pick though.  If memory serves, they’ve moved up the last couple years to get the guys they wanted.  I wouldn’t be mad if they moved down if there’s no one high enough on their board.  Though with a pick that late, it’s kinda like drafting in the second round anyways. 

I think there’s a much larger problem at hand though for these franchises and drafting.  Matthew Stafford juist signed a contract with the Lions to become the number one pick in this year’s draft.  The deal is worth $78M with some $41M guaranteed.  Really?  Reall?!?  A guy who’s never played a snap.  A guy who has a 40% chance of failing (the statistic for underclassmen quarterbacks in the draft).  That guy is worth so much fucking money?

They keep talking about how this is going to be a deal point of the next CBA.  We’re heading for the uncapped year next year if they don’t get the deal done.  The talking heads on the tube have mentioned the inanity of the top picks who get so much money.  About how the guys who are established in the league should be the ones getting so much money.

It’s a topic worth the discussion.  I’d love to see some of the guys walking off over this issue.  It’s the one time I’d side with the millionaires.  If you’re one of the first 5-8 picks in the draft you never have to prove yourself to get that life changing money.  Then you have the guys who play their way into that role and if they’re lucky enough to not get hurt, they’ll get that life changing money in their second contract.

I remember hearing one time that the average NFL career was 3 years.  You’re eligible for a pension after 4 years.  These guys put themselves (knowingly) on the line week in and week out.  They should definitely be rewarded.  But only after they’ve proven it time and again.  cap the contract to a 3-year maximum length and bring down the dough.  Yea, there will be guys who outperform that initial contract.  But a guy like Ryan Leaf won’t fuck up a franchise for half a decade.

Trade Demands

In light of the rumors that Daniel Snyder is looking to draft a QB tomorrow, Jason Campbell has said he will request a trade from the team.  I understand that as a franchise QB you want to feel you have the support of the franchise.  But Campbell needs to play like a franchise QB before it’s imperative he’s treated like one. 

I think Pat Bowlen has set a dangerous precedent in his handling of the Jay Cutler situation.  Of course the two scenarios are wildly different.  Cutler is a kind of proven starter and I think the most telling stat for the young man is his 13-1 record in games where the defense gave up less than 21 points.  When you have to throw that caveat on a quarterback’s record, your team has some deep seeded issues.

Now Jason Campbell is not a terrible quarterback.  I’m a huge fan of his, dating back to his time at Auburn – I’m a big fan of SEC football, I think it’s the best in the country week in and week out.  I’d love to see him succeed in Washington.  I got no beef with the Skins – I even own a Doug Williams jersey.  (Why?  C’mon a black quarterback Super Bowl MVP – why would I NOT own his jersey?)

I gotta tell JC to sit down and shut up on this one though.  If you’ve never won a Super Bowl, been to a Super Bowl, played in a conference championship game or even WON a playoff game, you are not irreplaceable.  The point is for the team to get better.  And has he not noticed that his owner will sign any and everyone to his team?  Dude, my fat ass got called to play line backer last week after they heard how mean I looked as a zombie in some of the dailies.  (You like the subtle hint?  Go to www.whataretheinfected.com)

Beyond that there is a striking trend now to forcing your way out of town and into another ‘better’ situation.  This has long been a trend in the NBA.  Give a guy franchise money, then you don’t have enough left over to get a good second banana, so the team never goes beyond the first round of the playoffs.  So said guy bitches about how the franchise isn’t committed to winning and the fans buy into it because it’s true, they aren’t winning.  But if the guy didn’t sign for max money and instead leave a lil cap room for someone else to come into a good situation, you could win.  PS – KG willed that one Wolves team to the conference finals.  And he never complained.  He’s the one guy who I’m cool with getting traded to a ‘contender’.  The Big Ticket has always been a class act in my eyes.  No homo.

I’m glad to see Paul Brown not giving in to Chad Ochocinco.  I love how guys over estimate their market value.  Then they get out into the open waters and there are limited takers – at least in the price range they were hoping for.  So they go back with their tail between their legs.  That happened with Manny Ramirez this year.

This is far from a football only problem.  This Campbell thing is just the latest incidence of it.  You can look through all of sports for guys tryna force their way out and generally getting their way.  Because the owner doesn’t want a locker room cancer.  I think my favorite manner of handling these situations was the Knicks this year with Starbury.  I wish they wouldn’t have bought him out.  They shoud have left him sit.  What’s the point of paying him $1M less and letting him go to another team (the C’s) when he can sit around and collect the full nut? 

So yea, I hope Paul Brown stays steadfast in his ways.  Chad has a Heisman winner chuckin him the ball.  He could end up with another first rounder lining up across from him.  I wanna see Campbell honor the rest of his contract with the Skins.  He should be pushed at work.  We all are, why should an unproven athlete be different? 

And I’ll not defend Cutler’s means of handling his situation.  But how could a new coach come in and try to anoint a one hit wonder who’s not taken snaps on a consistent basis since he was in high school?  Especially when you have a kid with a laser rocket arm, who might be a very good young QB.  I’ll be rooting for Chicago now, even though Cutler doesn’t have a great nickname like the Sex Cannon.

NBA Playoffs Preview

As I tossed and turned early Saturday morning, I was thinking in my head (where else would I think?) about writing a lil NBA playoffs preview. Make some predictions. Hand out some hardware. I figured it could be a great idea.
I even went so far as to text Barnes and Miggy with my big upset. My dark horse NBA Finals match up was Boston-Portland. That was a stretch before they both gave away home court. Now I feel like a real heel. I know the C’s were a huge reach without KG, but I just could see him pulling a Willis Reed if they made it to a game 7 vs. Cleveland. He’d sacrifice his career to get numbers 2 and 18. (If you don’t know what I mean, stop reading now…)
I’m (or maybe, was) really sold on this Portland team. I had seen very little, okay none, of them this season. I’d been reading, watching some highlights and I caught their season closer the other night on TNT. The Rose Garden always brings their A-Game – they did dating back to the Jail Blazer days. It just seems like a great crowd to play in front of. B-Roy’s performance has been scrumtrulescent this season.
I think of the two teams in my dark horse match up, Portland had/has the best shot at making it to play for the O’Brien Trophy. It would take a tremendous effort to get through Los Angeles, but I think the Blazers are the team most prepared to walk into the Staples Center and come away with some W’s.
Beyond that, I have to agree with the notion that this is the Lakers/Kobe’s year to get their chip. The Cavs and the Heat are only going to get better, as long as their stars stay put. Portland and NO are on the rise out West. NO, with their playoff experience last year might seem to be the team better equipped to make the leap this year, but I think they have too many injuries and question marks (read: changes to last year’s lineup) to properly apply last year’s experience. After all, why did they fall to the 7-seed this year?
In the end, I’m fairly confident we’re heading for a Cle-LAL finals. Those two have just been too good all year long. After them, every other team seems to have that major/tragic flaw. Believe me, I’d love to have Kobe choke his chicken and not make it to 12 wins. I just can’t imagine it happening.
Having said that, the MVP race still seems to be a source of controversy. In hindsight, last year the award should have gone to the Big Ticket. Look at the difference in the C’s without Garnett. They struggled on the road last year, not at home. (Then again, last year Pooh was in Memphis feasting on Gummi Bears and Co-eds by the handsful.) That would make this year’s award the property of one Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant. And I’d have no problem with that. I think LeBron’s transformation into…the Evolution?...puts him head and shoulders above the other candidates. Yet, Dwyane Wade’s season was simply sublime. That roster is so half assed and they landed a 5-seed. Thank you, Mr. 2005 NBA Finals MVP.
So we’re right back to where we started, there is no clear cut MVP. It sucks when it rains and pours. As opposed to when the league is depleted, I’m looking at your Mr. Nash. These cats are all worthy winners and I’d even go so far as to accept arguments for Paul, Chris; Roy, Brandon and O’Neal, Shaquille. I know they didn’t make the tourney for the O’Brien trophy, but the Diesel had a renaissance season for big man ‘that age’. I will not however accept Dwight Howard’s application due to subpar performances against the quality bigs.
In conclusion, they playoffs will not surprise to anyone. They will play out like the NCAA Tournament. The Big East will be splendtacular but not make it to the Finals. I’ll see you guys for Game 7 for the O’Brien trophy from Cleveland in a month and a half. Here’s to Kobe crying like a little bitch when Bronnie gets his first Chip.

NFL Ramblings...

Alright, there’s enough going on here now in the NFL that I can’t really do an entire article on it but I think I can patch together some of my ideas for a coherent rambling. At least I hope it’s coherent. I don’t think much of anything I do could/would be described as coherent. Yet, I digress…
First and foremost are my boys with their resigning of James Harrison. I have to admit I thought they’d offer him a short term deal that he’d have better odds of finishing out. And honestly I feel like he’s a stopgap kinda player. The Steelers go through linebackers like they’ve been drafting them well since the 70s. (Oh, wait…) You’ve got the kids Timmons and Woodley right there nipping at their heels and this is definitely a corps in transition. You’ve got some of the vets who are doing it off muscle memory, albeit still performing at a high level. I guess they think Harrison is worth the deal. And I don’t hate it, though he is going to be 31 as of kickoff this season. Remember, this dude was on practice squads and getting cut for years before he caught on with the Steelers. That’s a few years of wear and tear he saved on his body by not taking the punishment at a young age. To be honest, this jury member is hung (that’s what she said) on this subject. I hope it ends well, but in the long run I don’t know...
I think the Mark Sanchez saga is going to have a bizarre twist come draft day. He was invited as they’ve expanded the field of invites. I don’t know if they did this to cut down on the Brady Quinn factor or heighten it. Kiper and McShay oscillate between his placement in and out of the top ten picks. And the latest has him going to Frisco with the 10th pick. It was odd to me at the time how off put Pete Carroll was when Sanchez declared for the draft. That seems like something that could be a sign to the pro guys about his preparation for this. From a business stand point it’s a good idea though because next year’s draft should feature all the Big 12 guys coming out. So I get his notion to strike while the iron’s hot, but I hope it’s not the Niners that take him. Who knows what size his hands are…
Greg Paulus was the epitome of a quarterback when he was in high school, the second coming of Johnny Unitas, Steve Young and Kyle Boller, if you listen to the sports broadcasters. Yet the Duke football coach said he won’t accept Paulus into his system. I guess it’s the years of national prominence that allow him to make such sweeping declarations. I get his point, it’s a pro-style offense that took Peyton and Eli years to learn. Though I wonder how fast either of them could pick up Su Doku, aw gee shucks, ma’am, I just wanna th’ow a foo’ball. (Sorry I tend not to trust things south of the Manson-Nixon line.) But that has made for some interesting drama. First reports indicate he worked out for the Green Bay Packers. I’m glad they’re putting forth a good show of faith with Aaron Rogers. Next came word that Rich Rodriguez had him into Ann Arbor. I suppose he’s hoping the sideshow of having a cast asunder point guard will make everyone forget that his team had 3 wins last year. All’s well that ends well I guess…
Now there are two wide receivers who are allegedly on the market. Anquan Boldin and his contract issues with the Cardinals and Braylon Edwards and his catching issues with the football appear to be on the move. I get that AZ can afford to let Boldin go because they have Larry Fitz, but it’ll definitely hurt Fitzy’s production. Wait, what am I saying – I have no clue if it will hurt him. He’s a machine and he might be able to do better with three guys on him than two. But what is Cleveland doing in parting with Brady Quinn’s only potential weapon. I say potential because I wonder how many takes they needed to get that 5-hour energy boost commercial. And now the New York Football Giants are interested in Braylon for his Plaxico-ness. Big guy, go-getter, free up the underneath. I’d agree that he’d be good for Steve Smith, Mario Manninham and Sinorice Moss, IF he could actually strike fear in the heart of defenses. I’d hope to see the NYG go after ‘Quan but with what happened last time he was in New York, I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to play in Giants Stadium…
I’m sure there’s something I missed in there that I was thnking about earlier but I can’t remember what it was. So it’s with God now. Good luck deciphering my rambling. I hope it was quasi-coherent...

Fire Isiah University

Part of me has to wonder if this latest career move for Isiah Thomas is nothing more than a hoax. It seems too surreal to be true. Don’t get it twisted, I love the thought of Zeke impacting the youth of America.
And I gotta give credit where credit is due to Barnes for suggesting that Steph’s truck play host to all recruits. Is there an up and coming kid in the country who wouldn’t want to play for Isiah? I think this could be an amazing opportunity for a 18 year old. Zeke definitely can’t handle the pro ranks, as evidenced by the traveshamockery he left behind in New York. But now he can mold kids who are in it to win it.
I still wonder if this is going to actually happen. I mean the school introduced ‘Isiah Thompson’ as FIU’s new head coach. I thought for a second we might see this guy pop up dead in the next few days. Now I just think he’ll be excluded from recruiting visits.
Have you heard the comments that Isiah made on SportsCenter this morning? His explanation for the sleeping pill incident was extraordinary. He said his daughter was in the hospital that morning. Then he took some sleeping pills that night and he went to the hospital. And the media heard that he went to the hospital, took the story and ran with it, he doesn't blame the police chief for the report to the media. But he never addressed it publicly because he didn't read the paper.
He then goes on to claim that he turned down multiple NBA coaching job offers. When pressed he stumbled and stammered about whom he interviewed with. He claimed that he’s still +1 in the league because he had three good years in Indy, versus two bad years in NY. He says he can evaluate talent and can deal with the younger players. I think that’s the best thing he could do. But I still don’t see him playing out his 5-year contract.
It’s just surreal. I hate to use an adjective twice but it’s the only word I can think of to describe the situation. I don’t think he’s actually alive. He’s totally out of his mind. It’s like watching Mike Tyson now. I actually can’t describe it. I am completely speechless on the subject. But I really can’t wait to see him teaching kids when it is and is not okay to call a woman a bitch…

WWE Draft 09 - Serious This TIme

As a wrestling fan, I don’t really enjoy the current state of the booking, stale and predictable. But I do like how the WWE has their talent distributed. I know those guys are all still on the road, but it’s a little easier without major competition. They’ve got the bulk of the talent and multiple means of displaying said talent.
I do think though that they need to start working more inter-promotional matches. They have been, using WrestleMania as the case in point. I’d like to see cross promotional stuff built around the different PPVs as well. Don’t just leave this notion for WM and tomorrow’s draft. Let’s see it 6-8 months from now as well. I’m not going to pretend to know what’s about to happen in the 09 Draft, but I’m going to put forth some of what I’d like to see (slash) some things I think could work.
I gotta move John Cena to SD! I don’t get why this move hasn’t happened yet. It seems like a no-brainer to me. Cena’s target audience is the primary demographic of the Friday night show. Monday is a more mature audience and program and a guy like Hunter – you know, the other champ who could certainly be ‘traded’ to Raw in exchange for Cena so each program has a World strap – would more than fit the bill as the ‘over’ face. That’d be my move first and foremost in this year’s draft.
I’d consider moving a guy like Jericho to Friday in exchange for the Big Show. As I’ve said previously in this space, I think Jericho is on top of his game right now. He’ll get over no matter what show he’s on or what program he’s selling. He can draw heat or have juice. Show is similar. He can always toe the line between face and heel. And it never really feels forced. Major plus that he’s such a great athlete at his size. Takes and dishes great bumps. (I’d just like to go on the record and say ‘No Homo’ to everything before and after these parentheses.)
The Colon boys and the Legacy should be on the same show. I think there’s a dearth of solid tag teams and Friday night seems like a viable place for them. Colons, Legacy, Cryme Tyme, Miz & Morrison. I’m not saying that these guys all need to be on ONE program only, but Friday night’s show seems like the beat place to have the titles defended. That way you can still keep Legacy on Raw with Orton.
Christian Cage is a wild card in all this. Moving to Fridays makes sense because Edge is there. They could reform their team or at least their friendship/alliance. They could send him to Monday and have a new version of Rated RKO – this would allow Legacy to freely move to SD! They could have him work programs with the mid card guys. He’s a good worker and can show those kinds of guys the ropes in a positive manner. I question their intentions with him though because they DIDN’T have him win the MITB match. I thought it was certainer than certain that he was going to walk out with that case. Alas, it was not meant to be and they let CM Punk win back to back – which I still don’t get, but I guess I gotta let it play out from the pro’s.
Last, I’m bringing Taker back to Mondays. I miss having the Dead Man in my life on a regular basis. (Don’t forget I already said ‘No Homo.’) Set him up on Monday nights. Let him run some good programs there over the next year or two. I’m basing this off the notion that he’s going to retire in that time frame. I’d love to keep his brother on Raw but I fear creative won’t see it that way. So either Kane, HBK Kofi or some combination moving to SD! might have to happen, depending on the ramifications for all involved.
There’s nothing earth shattering contained herein. And I never claimed that I’d reinvent the wheel. I just wanted to throw out a few ideas for relocating talent. There will be some more low-level guys who move around but I’m forgetting them because they’re still working their way up.

Self Promoting Douch Bag

I don’t know why I find it so hard at times to promote myself. I know it’s not a good thing considering what it is that I’m trying to accomplish right now. But I just find it weird to talk about myself in some situations. If you ask me what I’m working on, I can answer that question. But if the question is ‘tell me a little bit about yourself’, I think we’re all going to be fucked.
How does one answer that question? Tell me a little bit about yourself…
First and foremost I’m a dickhead. That should help you remember my name. Dylan Halaszynski is a Dick Head. Done and Done. Keep that in mind. I’m not maliscious. But I will make fun of you for whatever. I will talk about whatever. And it will most likely be uncomfortable for you. I lack hair on my tongue, as the expression goes. Most things don’t bother me. I don’t know why that is.
After that, I don’t know what to say about me. I love the Steelers. I love basketball. I have a love/hate relationship with baseball. I love mi familia and if you fuck with them, I’ll fuck back. I have a hard time trusting people – I tried it once but I proved to be right in the first place. I hate Boston. The people there might be okay on an individual basis. But it’s like a fucking museum up there and shit closes at like 1:30. I love wearing a Yankees hat up there.
I hate people who don’t walk on the right. This so applies to the subway. Matter of fact, I think the subway could be its own little sociological experiment. I gave up truly being nice to random people on the subway. I’ll say excuse me once, after that I’m just moving. I won’t give up my seat, unless you have a visual malady or are pregnant. Other than that, bite me. Let the people off before you get on and just standing there when the door opens doesn’t help. Besides, I’m bigger than you – I’m fairly certain I’ll get through with little effort on my part.
I enjoy bitching. I love when things go wrong just so I can bitcha bout them. Plus it’s the only time that the fat kid’s heart rate gets elevated. I love meat – no homo. Chicken, pork, veal, beef. I love it all. If you concur, I highly suggest you make it to a Brazilian restaurant and try the rodizio. More meat than you should eat! That would definitely be my slogan if I ran a rodizio place.
I love drinking. I don’t need the physical act of getting shitfaced drunk all the time. But last night I sat at the bar, just playing Chug 21 while Jeff was throwing darts. And it was the most comfortable I’ve been in a while. It was so soothing sitting there. I wasn’t killing em either. I was just chilling, sipping my beer, playing Chug 21. It was downright serene. Then Jeff sat down and we started talking about nothing. It was perfect – again, no homo. But I’m comfortable in my local dive bar. You know how we do…
I love my music and movies. I went over this a couple weeks ago when I commented on their impact on me. I hate the Hills. Someone’s girlfriend made us watch that shit yesterday. I was asleep and the horridness of that show actually woke me up. I proceeded to vomit for the first time in years. See? I can down a fifth of tequila then drink all night and I just need a quiet place to sleep that doesn’t spin. But put me in front of an MTv show and I’m physically ill.
I also love ranting. Tangents that make very little sense are the best. It does or does not have to make any sense whatsoever. It could be related to what we’re actually talking about or it could just be taken from a word that you said. If you just mention Boston, I’ll go off. I have shit that bothers me that you don’t even know about. Go ahead, mention something. I’ll go off. Or I’ll threaten to walk out into oncoming traffic and masturbate.
Yea, I think that’s all you need to know about me…..

Spoiler Alert!

No seriously, don’t read this if you are going to watch a WrestleMania replay. Otherwise, enjoy…
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Okay...

I must admit I was taken aback by the horridness of the show. How is it possible that every match is paced like every Hogan match ever. They’re just missing the random Hulking up moments. Other than that, they’re slow as hell but with better high spots.
In terms of overall last night…the Taker Michaels match was probably the match of the night. I say such because it was the only one I was fully vested in on some level. I genuinely didn’t want Taker to lose the streak. They had some great teases – the best being the first, after Taker landed awkwardly on a splash and thought he might legitimately be hurt. But he crawled back into the ring so as not to be counted out, leaving HBK in utter shock and disbelief. They took it too far though. I get that HBK is the Showstopper and it was cool when he kicked out of the choke slam. It would have been interesting had he just kicked out of either the Last Ride or Tombstone. But you can’t have him kick out of both. Then have him stay down after one final Tombstone. It just seemed like too much to me. I kinda lost interest. Granted, maybe it’s because I can’t totally mark out like I did when I was 12. But I get the politics end of the business on some level and I only think that match went on so long because HBK said I won’t go out on the first, second or third finisher. Dude, you can kick out of a choke slam and a Last Ride, but when the Undertaker hits a Tombstone you shouldn’t be kicking out. Just like a Pedigree. That should be it – lights out, Game over.
Oh and the pedigree…the title matches were such bullshit. I hate that I was right about Cena and Show. I thought it was cool that Cena tried FU both of them at once. But it didn’t work cuz Edge blew it. Then Cena had to FU Edge separately thereafter. It, like everything else last night, was a very awkward match. The best part was probably Cena’s intro. He had a clone army line the walkway while his old Thugganomics song played. Then he came out to Time is Now while they stood there doing the – you can’t see me maneuver. I never said dude wasn’t a showman just not a good wrestler.
But the match for the WWE strap was a total let down. They had built this story up and it was going to be this awesome match and yadda yadda yadda. But it just didn’t live upto the hype. Not for me at least. I’d say more but I was too bored between moves. I don’t get why these guys are fighting such slow paced matches. I mean it’s not like Hunter or Orton are out of shape or coming off injury. And they weren’t taking major bumps that they needed to recover from, like getting tossed off the Hell in a Cell cage. Hunter took a good flip over the guard rail near the timekeeper’s station and a tough back body drop on the Spanish announce table that didn’t break. They still found a way to introduce the equalizer. I thought business would pick up then and there and Steph or Vince would come out and overturn the decision saying Hunter used the sledge and restart the match or hand the belt to Randy. There was so much untapped potential there. I’m at a loss. And the actual go home moment was so anticlimactic. After watching all the false endings in the Taker match, I expected a little more from the champ match. Alas, I was unsated and hopefully there’ll be some clarity tonight on Raw.
In a bit of news related to future championship matches. I found it interesting that CM Punk won the MITB match again this year. I was dead certain that Christian would win that match. I guess I got the swerve I wanted just in the wrong place. I gotta admit I don’t see where they go with this. I’m sure someone has it all mapped out. Remember, Kennedy won it once and lost it to the Taker when they thought he was hurt. So I suppose they could move it that way or keep it with Punk. I was just shocked that he’ll be getting another shot. They haven’t really taken the time to elevate him in any manner since his last reign. I’m not against the guy getting a push in some manner I’m just intrigued to see where creative goes with this.
There’s so much more I could bitch about for the 25th anniversary of the Super Bowl of the WWE but I’ll stop there. I’ll let it simply hang out there that the event was an overall disappointment. Hopefully moving forward they’ll straighten out some of these storylines. Give a few good swerves and tie up some loose ends. Especially in regards to the Helmsley-Orton program. It was left so wide open last night that I’m interested to see where it goes…

WrestleMania XXV

The morning of the Super Bowl of professional wrestling and I have yet to weigh in on it. Tsk, Tsk. How dare i? Fuck that – how dare they! I’m so not looking forward to this WrestleMania. It’s total sacrilege for a smark like me. But it’s so true this time around. I don’t know where to start so I’ll just run down the list and let the chips fall where they may…I’ll preface this by saying I’ve not been religiousliy watching Raw/SD! on a weekly basis so you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I will however stand by them, because if I expected more, I’d have gone out of my way to see more of the shows.
First and foremost I’m not impressed with the bookings. I agree that Jericho has been doing some of the best storytelling to this point but Piper has had like 4 hip replacements, Snuka is 97 and Steamboat retired 15 years ago. Last time I saw him try to take a bump on Raw a while back, it was not pretty. I hope that those three got themselves into as good a shape as possible. I’m of the mindset they did because the egos associated with working in the squared circle dictate that you don’t want to have a match on the sport’s grandest stage. Though I think Piper is there because of the pop he’ll get and don’t expect much from him in the ring.
Having said tha, there is a bright light here. I’d love to see this bring in a new crop of next generation guys. Snuka’s son is on Raw and being wildly underused. He and Manu were aligned with Legacy then cast asunder, presumably due to an inability to work at the level of Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. Hopefully that’s been worked at, and you can introduce those guys, maybe along with Ricky Steamboat Jr. And if those guys can’t have a good match with the Lionheart, they should be out of the business. I think Pops on his two rebuilt wheels could have a match of the year candidate with Y2J – he’s just that damn good. Hell he made JBL look half alive and pertinent.
Hey, that feels like a great time to segue. The Texas RattleSuck is going to fight the half pint, double hearted hero, Rey Mysterio. Five years ago this would have been great….wait, what am I about to say? This match would have sucked any time. And it most certainly will Sunday night. I just hope both of them can make it through without breaking a hip. This does seem appropriate however to mention how much I enjoyed old school ReyRey. I remember when he got lawn darted into the production van by Big Kev on Nitro. Now? I don’t think Kev could lift him. Okay, bad analogy. But my point is that he’s perpetually hurt and he’s become a shell of his former self. And I think it has to do with the WWE culture of ‘big’ – ness. I think in all the shit that we’re seeing with these guys dropping dead, that needs to be discussed. But the aforementioned competitive nature kicks in and you wanna keep up with the Jonses. So you bulk up to make it to the show…
Speaking of depressing, how bad can this Hardy Boyz match be? I mean, can it be an all time bomb (and I don’t mean Swanton)? It does have the element of extreme rules going in its favor. But that’s like putting mag wheels on a dump truck (sorry, I’ve been watching old Double-A promos). Jeff Hardy is a good worker. I dig the stories he tells in the ring. I like the bumps he’s willing to take and splashes he’s willing to make. But Matt Hardy has always been tits on a bull to me. Dude is a great tag team wrestler – one of my favorites and a tremendous compliment to his brother’s skill set. But he’s never had it in a singles match. He doesn’t possess that IT. I’ve never seen him and been totally enthralled. Randy Orton is a guy you can’t take your eyes off (no homo) ditto Hunter, Cena, Taker, Michaels. Matt Hardy comes on and I run for the concession stand.
I wish I could say I was more hyped for the Money in the Bank ladder match. This shit should go elimination style for the first 15 mins just so we could get rid of Henry, Kane, Finlay and MVP. Yet if they did that I’m sure we’d see Shelton Benjamin go out almost immediately. Why do they seem to hate the gold standard? I suppose he doesn’t meet standard practices in the ring. I don’t know if it’s work ethic or attitude, but it sucks. I’m a big fan of his, likely the most athletic mother fucker in the WWE but it seems he’ll never (get a chance to) put it all together. Enough of that though as the main purpose of the match would seem to serve as a vehicle to get Christian off ECW. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this match who didn’t think that Captain Charisma was going to win the match. Dude was king of the TLC matches back in the day and they need no reason to get him off their dud of a Tuesday night snoozefest. More on this a little later…
This Taker/Michaels match would be amazing if it was 1995 and I barely had hair on my scrotum. Alas, it’s 2009. Shawn is Hulk Hogan level bald, has no knees, a fused neck, a fucked up back (didn’t that come from a match with Taker? Or was that the neck from being tossed head first into the cage? Can someone clarify?) and I have a forest down there. Last year I had to deal with HBK ‘ending’ the ‘career’ of the ‘Nature’ Boy. (Damnit!) So help me God if he ends the Deadman’s WM streak, I will never EEEEEEEEEEEEVER watch wrestling from Houston on April 5th again, but I’ll finish this broadcast, albeit under protest. Taker has done a great job taking his career to different level these last few years. He still does the Old School rope walk but it’s not like it was back in say, ‘95. I like how he’s begun pacing his matches. It’s his version of a Hogan match, except there’s a display of legitimate wrestling skill. It’s slower but it’s equally as brutal as ever, it just comes off as more deliberate. I think it was a great move to turn him into an MMA-style fighter. The triangle choke (I tried to spell it the technical way, but was struggling with the spelling) was a nice touch for him. All in all, this match better not end with Mr Wrestlemania having his hand raised. I might cry…
All of which brings me to the main events of the evening. What’s that you say? There are other matches. That may be true but…suffice it to say that I will be going to the concession stand A LOT during the broadcast. The booking of the main events feels rushed. The Raw main event is a new version of the match from last year. The SD! main event is a mishmash of a mismatch but I get it. This match is going to justify the contract Vinnie Boy has given to Big Show. John Cena is going over by slamming Show in the middle of the ring. I’d be impressed if they hadn’t played this card before. When did Cena fight Khali and hoist the googly retard up for an FU? It wasn’t that long ago, was it? Alas, that didn’t happen at the Grand Daddy of the WWE. So we’re left with this version of David v. Goliath. But with pipes like that, John Cena hardly fits the bill for David. Now if they have Edge slam Show, I’d be impressed by that. I just hope the Rated R Opportunist doesn’t hurt anything lifting him. I mean, Show outweighs my Honda Civic, right? If I hit him with my car, it’d fall apart and I’d be left sitting in a makeup stained bucket seat holding a steering wheel. (Thanks CheeChee…)
No matter who wins, I think this is when Christian should cash in his money in the bank. Edge cashed his in and thus was born the ultimate opportunist gimmick. What better way to usher Christian back into the WWE lexicon than one upping Edge and not waiting even 24 hours? Soon as the match ends have him come down straight away with a ref and win the strap. Bonus points if he beats Edge in a nice touch of one upsmanship against his former partner. Negative points if he beats Cena. That fucker better not get anywhere NEAR 15 title reigns. I’m already irked enough that HHH is going to eclipse Flair, I don’t need to think about the Dr. of Thugganomics going that route as well.
And the main main event of the evening. And this damn well better be the last match of the night. There’s no reason anyone other than the winner of the Royal Rumble should fight in the final match at Wrestlemania. (As an aside, I think the only good match I’ve ever seen Batista have is when Taker won the rumble and they fought. Unfortunately VKM [rightly so] didn’t think Batista could work decently enough to be his main event. Such a shame because Taker carried the Animal to a really good match.) So it feels like this match was rushed into and just thrown together over the last few weeks. I know they’ve been building this one and I’ve praised this Orton character. But I’m not looking forward to this match. It was done last year. I’d rather see Orton/Edge though that would mean one of them was a face, and I don’t think there’s anyone else to play a top tier heel in the WWE right now. I suppose they’ve done a decent job of building this storyline, but I’m not impressed. The home thing was done before and so much better with Austin and Pillman. I do love the idea of Orton deliberately going after Stephanie. I thought him kissing her was a beautiful if disgusting touch. Though I fear we’re headed for the Orton-McMahon era. Vince is good for family disputes. I think this ends with Steph telling Hunter that she loves bad boys and that’s what drew her to him in the first place. And now he’s not bad enough for her, so she’s going to join the most evil of them all. Vince kinda has to go this route. I think I’ve hashed this out before. For the first time in a long time, they have a bad guy who’s over Vince. He’s been the top heel in the company for a long damn time. They need to continue to advance Orton to new depths. Plus, you have the ability to explore the space with Hunter in that situation. He can do all sorts of bad guy stuff, which he’s good at, all while still being over as a face because Orton stole his wife. I can’t think of anyone in the crowd who won’t cheer for that.
So there you have it. I know I didn’t get much into the booking end of things. I touched upon it but they’ve done such a terrible job with these matches that I don’t even want to think how some of them are going to end. I’d rather focus on how the storytelling in the ring plays out. Much as I think Taker/Michaels is an over the hill matchup, I think it has a good chance to steal the show. Two vets, playing to the home crowd, on the biggest stage they have. One who claims to be Mr. WrestleMania. One who, by viture of 17-0, IS Mr. WrestleMania. I also hope they have a few twists – good ones. I hope there are just 7 corpses left at the end of the MITB match. I hope I don’t have to watch Cena FU Show then have a pose down with the Hulkster. And I want a fucked up finish to the Orton/Hunter fight. I don’t think I ask too much, do I?