The MorningStar

Regeneration X

2009-08-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been trying to watch wrestling more lately. But whenever I get the notion, I realize I've had about 5 hours sleep, total, from the time I woke up Friday morning. So Monday night turns into ‘hey lemme relax a lil bit here…ZZZZZZZZ’.

Next thing I know it’s Tuesday morning and I managed to reset my alarm to 6AM while in my dazed stupor. So I’m late and allegedly well-rested. Blah Blah Blah. Generally I like to sit down and watch it on Mun2 Wednesday nights. This week US v Mexico trumped Raw so I have yet to see Monday’s broadcast.

I wanted to discuss is the Legacy-Triple H feud. I have been wondering what they were planning to do. With Legacy period. They keep installing Rando as a paper champion – something I have delved into, at great length and on numerous occasions – but they’ve yet to build the kids.

Well that all came to fruition when Hunter said he needed a little help in beating them. It seemed apparent where this was all heading as soon as Mr. Stephanie McMahon got on the mike. He said he wanted to restart one of his own factions. Evolution was out cuz Randy’s a jerk, Batista’s hurt (AGAIN) and Flair is signing autie’s.

So of course dialing up the old HeartBreak Kid was the cure for what ails he. His first attempt was futile. In a rather amazing bit of acting, Trips pretended to call HBK and kinda just repeats everything HBK would have said – if he was actually on the other end. I’ve not seen it yet, but Michaels did reappear this week and we’re heading towards SummerSlam with Legacy set to get a good ol’ fashioned ‘wubbah leggen’, as Dusty Rhodes might could say.

That got me to thinking. And not just about how neither HBK or the Undertaker has been seen since the last WrestleMania. But this would be the perfect way to set up HBK on his way out of the business. He’s retired once and it wasn’t exactly on his terms. This time around has got to be perfect for him.

He missed his shot to retire at WM25 in his home state. So I would say that WMXXVI in Glendale would be a great bet, no? Here you have the transcendent D-X going into what looks to be an innocuous match against some young upstarts. The kind of guys Shawn and Paul used to was when they were pups.

I’m not saying that DX will implode at SummerSlam. Just that this would be a good place to plant the seed. Something happens that doesn’t sit right. Remember these two have feuded before. Plus Shawn put Marty Jannetty through a giant mirror because Jannetty was ‘holding him back’. Personally I think the mullet was holding him back. Or maybe Miss Sherri. Take your pick.

My point is, who else is Shawn going to let retire him? Who else is there around to do it? Will he rise to the occasion for another Hogan-eqsue match against John You Can’t See-Na Me? Is another title bout with Orton going to warm your cuckolds next march?

No. My cuckolds shall remain cool. And dry. Much like a cucumber. Good comparison, actually…There are scant few people who could make Michaels look good in the ring right now. I think Jericho has the best shot at it. Hell, he made JBL seem as if he were still alive. (Sorry but I’m firmly entrenched in the ‘Jericho is the best in the business right now’ camp.)

But I can’t imagine that Shawn would get up for that match like it was a major deal. Those two have had very little interaction through the years. (I’m just spouting off the top of my head. And if I’m wrong – by all means let me know.) So while Jericho may be a good candidate technically, it’s likely not a good one psychologically.

That’s why it HAS to be Hunter. These two go back like a Jansport knapsack. The self-proclaimed Mr. WrestleMania will not allow himself and his BFF to have a bad match at the Super Bowl of sports entertainment. He’ll get up for that match in a way he hasn’t in a long time.

Then he’ll be able to ride off into the sunset…of being a commissioner for whom Legacy will wear silly masks in front of so guard from his spittle. And the circle shall be complete.

In the Dog House

2009-07-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today marks the release of Michael Vick from federal custody. I am of the mindset that this is only the beginning of the Barnum and Bailey act. There seems to be much speculation as to his fate and future in the NFL and pro football in general. We’ll finish with the NFL but first…

I have to say I’m shocked that no one has brought up the CFL in conjunction with M-Dot-Vick’s name and future. Wider field, more open spaces, different rules – I think that could be a great stepping stone for him. He might could get the chance to show if he can in fact play quarterback at the professional level again.

His name has been tossed around as to the fledgling league down south. That might seem to be a great fit for him because he’ll be below the Mason Dixon line where he should be able to get support from his contemporaries. Plus, being such a small league it will for the most part fly under the radar.

I’m sure it’ll be the BnB show at first (see: Ramirez, Manny) but as time goes no one will pay attention to the PETA presence. Then they’ll hopefully disappear forever. Okay, maybe I’m just being too optimistic. The drawback to the new league is their pay structure. They have a set scale and Vick won’t get paid anywhere near what he was getting. If memory serves, he has a shitload of debt to repay. Another reason the CFL could be the better option.

Lastly is the NFL. That situation has the chance to redefine the term shitshow. Damn near everyone watches the NFL, and Vick will be under major scrutiny from many angles. The off the field stuff is certain to get silly. And the whole thing could be compounded if he sucks on it.

Speaking of on the field, I’m shocked consensus seems to be he can’t play again in the NFL. Hell, you had Ronnie brown lining up in shotgun for the Dolphins last year. Why can’t Vick run the Wildcat and be successful? The logical argument is how much of a step he has lost. If he comes back like Papi.09, he’ll never play again successfully.

But let’s say he comes back merely ‘very rusty’. He’s almost assured to need a year to put everything together. Get back to speed, get used to being hit, get used to making reads – who am I kidding he never got used to making reads in the first place. If he can pass that ‘probationary period’ – what, too soon? – he can be a moderately successful quarterback for a couple years.

The flip side is what I mentioned briefly before. He’s shot. He’s done. He got too yoked in prison then converted to Islam. He’ll come out and ask to be called Qyntel bin Al-Abaam and PETA will be the least of his problems, as all the white god-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge will hate him.

Granted all of the last 4 paragraphs are moot if Roger Goodell doesn’t let him back in the league already. Which I think could be a shame. If he shows up to his meeting with Goodell like Pacman – say he goes to the Meadowlands dog track the night before, then mysteriously 7 dogs are missing, 2 presumed dead – then I say fuck him, he deserves what he gets.

But if he goes in and says, ‘Commish, I’m sorry – this ish won’t happen again. I’m not keeping pace with those people anymore. I’m a family man now who wants to put his life back together to show my kids how to be a man.’ How could you keep him out? Why would you? America loves a redemption story. ‘Michael Vick – COME ON DOWN! You’re our next contestant on the Price is Your Life’. We’ll be right back on the Sports Reporters…

NBA Draft Conspiracies

2009-06-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

Some of you may or may not know that I am a huge conspiracy theorist. I don’t live and die with it. I simply enjoy conjecture over what’s really going on. Something huge happen in the world? Let me hear what the alternative explanations are or could be. With that in mind, allow me to drop some knowledge. As always, I have no proof whatsoever, I’m just exercising my right to free speech.

The Minnesota Timberwolves selected 4 – count ‘em 4 – point guards in the draft Thursday night. I remember wondering what the hell they were doing when they took Johnny Flynn immediately after they drafted Ricky Rubio. Then they took Ty Lawson with the 18^th pick. And again they took Nick Calathes in the second round. Granted they traded Lawson during the draft, so they’re not burdened with too many guys at the one.

The morning after the draft, their GM explained their two lottery picks as such – you don’t take a complimentary guy with the 6^th pick just because, you have to get value for that high a pick. They feel Flynn is that dude. At the time, I thought it made sense. Later that same day, word leaked that Rubio doesn’t want to go to Minnesota and may stay in Espana for the foreseeable future.

Then I began to wonder the Wolves strategy. Number one I thought they were in great position because they could use Flynn right now then bring along Rubio next year or the year after. They’re covered and can figure out who to keep or who trade or even see if they can co-exist, though that didn’t work out so well did it Toronto?

Now I’m convinced this was a move made to save face. New management simply couldn’t pass up Rubio. He’s just too good. The fans would not buy the – we’re going with the best young talent to grow our franchise a la Portland – approach if they passed on him. So they took him with a strong notion that he’d never suit up for them.

All of which brings me to Johnny Flynn. Management can point to his season with the Orange and tell their fans, ‘we’re sorry the evil little boy from Espana wouldn’t come play with us, but we have a good alternative. Remember when he played over 50 minutes against UConn? He’ll give total effort for us!’ so they hedged their bets. They did exactly what they had to do. It was a great business decision for them.

They have kind of handcuffed themselves though. Because how do you get value for that Rubio selection? I put my money on the Knicks. Look at some of the recent big trades around the L. Shaq to Cleveland? Kerr and Ferry were teammates in San Antonio. Garnett to Boston? McHale and Ainge were teammates in Boston. Google the new Minnesota GM’s resume – I understand if you have to first Google the new Minnesota GM’s name – note that he worked for Donnie Walsh in Indiana.

You see how this is all coming together? I consider myself a smart man. I possess a simple engineering degree, but I still don’t fully understand the complexities of the NBA trade guidelines as it applies to drafted rookies. I don’t know exactly what would balance out Rubio’s salary.

Strictly from a talent standpoint, I’d think that Nate or Larry Hughes and someone like Joe Crawford might could fit the bill. I’m not saying that it’s fair to Minny, all I’m getting at is they traded both of their 2s and draft a shitload of 1s. So picking up Hughes could help on-court, though he’d be an off-court nightmare for a young team teetering on the brink. Ditto Nate.

I’m sure it won’t work out for a variety of reasons; money, talent, chemistry. So take it all with a grain of salt. But as a wholly biased knicks fan, I’m excited about the prospect of Ricky Rubio playing for Mike D’Antoni. More so than I am about Darko Milicic at least…

NBA Draft 2009

2009-06-24T19:44:00.001-07:00

So my favorite sport has their draft tomorrow and I would be remiss if I didn’t weigh in with some insight and general thoughts. I’m not offering any of this up as fact. I have zero club house or front office sources. I’m merely throwing out some ideas and commenting on what happened or could be twenty four hours from now.

Admittedly I feel horrible for Blake Griffin. I admire him and his team for saying that they’re happy to go to LA. He’s happy to be part of a rebuilding phase. He can really put his stamp on the league if this team can turn it around. Bear in mind, he’s not going to the Lakers a year after Kobe blew out his Achilles and they stumbled ass backward into the number one pick and NCAA POY – a la San Antonio and Timmy D. he’s headed to the red, white and blue Los Angeles Clippers, whose most famous fan is Billy Crystal.

Is there any scenario under which he makes it through his first contract without a major knee or ankle injury? Maybe it’s a back injury and you can throw something at me three years from now. Regardless as to what it is, I’m skeptical that he can make it unscathed. I’m pulling for him because by all accounts he’s a great kid who busts his ass – as is much better than his older brother, like Malcolm. (Though when you’re measuring stick is a drunken wash-out, there’s not much to reach for.)

As far as rebuilding, it’s not like the cupboard is bare. Baron Davis, Al Thornton and their ’08 number one Eric Gordon. Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman are in the mix as of press time, but many pundits are sure one of them is moving – likely the former because there’s less of a market for the latter than Z-Bo. Ahhh, Zach Randolph…I’d move him and Ricky Davis before Griffin ever made it to the City of Angeles – like Cleveland did to Ricky before LeBron got there. But I can’t imagine anyone wanting either of them. Or that Mike Dunleavy would move either of them, because it would make too much sense. (Why did they get rid of Elgin when this was the alternative?)

Contrary to popular belief there are another 50 or selections in the draft. Everyone bemoans the talent – or lack thereof – this summer, but I beg to differ. There may not be ‘top tier’ talent, but I’m convinced there are more than a few role players. Picks 2 through 12 are horribly dreaded by the talking heads but I’m not so sure that’s the case.

The PGs are pretty strong and there’s a few solid back ups, with possible upgrade to someone who can grow into the position in the coming years. Ricky Rubio is more NBA-ready than anyone will admit and him falling to OKC is as sick as I can remember. I think he and Westbrook can play at the same time – Russ is bigger and a UCLA Ben Howland product, so he knows the right way to play.

I can’t wait for Thabeet to flop – I just believe it’s totally inevitable (Totes m’goats!) Tyreke Evans could be good, but he’s no Derrick Rose. I’m not sold on James Harden, but Steph Curry landing in Minny as well would be great for Jefferson. Minnesota is interesting, another conversation for this time actually…

I was speaking to Pops about them today and he remarked that he felt bad for the young guys landing there as they’ll never get more than one playoff run – like KG. I have to disagree with that on the ground of new management. I’m not saying it’s a certainty that they’ll be contending for the West every year starting in 2012. I’m saying that this is new management and if they are in a serious rebuilding plan, well kudos to them. They’ve now settled on a plan and can continue as such. I think if they actually follow through and tell fans (and players), we’re going to be young and there will be growing pains but these are the cards we’re playing the next half a decade, I’m happy for them.

It’s actually the plan that has begun to bear fruit in Portland. It seems to be the direction that OKC is heading in as well. A lot of good young talent who can grow together with little pressure on them, as everyone will label their struggles as ‘growing’ pains. Granted if we’re still having this conversation about Portland in 2 years and OKC in 4, it speaks to a much bigger problem.

This brings me to a great point that I heard today and will pass along, not as though it were my own but as an interesting nugget. Whereas OKC and Portland went young and intend to endure growth, Cleveland continuously goes older and tries to put chips around LeBron. This gets everyone thinking that the Cavs should be contending….NOW.

The reality is much grimmer in that the pieces in place might not ever be able to compete for a title. After hearing that, is Shaq really the answer for Danny Ferry? I’m not dumping on it because it does make sense on some level, but I wonder if LeBron will take a good hard look at the direction of the franchise and decide they do not know how to build a winner.

Consider the last two paragraphs one moot if they go out and get Hedo Turkoglu. Is there any other reason for him to opt out of his contract with Orlando this summer? Is there a shot in hell of Orlando sniffing the conference finals every spring? I think not. Cleveland will continue to be there, whether or not they get over the hump remains to be seen, Miami will be back in play because it’s South Beach, Dwyane Wade and there’s no state income tax in Florida, Boston has another year in them, Washington has poised themselves to return, Philly is only going to get better. Yet I digress…

Back to the draft. I’m not sold on Hill or Derozan. I’m only comfortable with Holliday because he’s a Howland guy AND how well Russell Westbrook fared in OKC last season. I think whoever ends up with Johnny Flynn will be happy. I’m not 100% that he’s ready to be the #1 #1 for a team, but he’s a good second unit point.

I’m going to rattle off a few names now and hope that the following makes sense…DeJuan Blair could excel in the right situation, IE I hope he falls to Chicago – I’d hate to see him relegated to Indiana for two reasons. 1 – I don’t think the future there is as bright as other late lottery teams. 2 – I don’t want to have to like the fucking Pacers. Ty Lawson is a crapshoot, if he came in and needed two years to grow or was able to run a team right now, neither would surprise me.

This is the part of the draft where past performance comes into play. Tyler Hansbrough and Sam Young are intriguing because they’re two full term guys. I’m not comparing Sam to an NCAA POY, but Sam is league ready. He can play this fall. I was never sold on Furious T, I thought he was undersized and under-athleticized for the L. He measured out to 6’ 8.5” in his feet and was impressive at the combine. Add those bullshit numbers to what he did on the court the last four years and I begrudgingly admit he could make a good pro. I don’t think he’ll ever be Tim Duncan. But he can be a more than serviceable big with an ASG weekend or two under his belt by the time he retires.

That’s all I have to say about the mid to late first round without this running 5,000 words. But I would like to weigh in on some other trade prospects. You may – or may not – have heard that the C’s were trying to deal Rajon Rondo. On the surface that seems insane and could only hurt team chemistry. Apparently behind the scenes he’s more of a dick than has been let on. Ray Ray is going to command a little more salary from the Cs that I don’t think they want to pay, but he’s why they got as far as they did this spring.

Tracy McGrady has been rumored to be on the block as well. I say good riddance to bad rubbish. I take back every nice thing I ever said about that mother fucker after what he did this February. In fact I can’t say enough bad things about him, except to just call him a cunt. That Houston team was better off without him. Though, another Yao foot injury does not bode well. I can’t wait for him to have a Walton-in-Boston turn for Miami with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in 2013.

There is rumor that Minny is going to try and package the 5 and 18 to move up, maybe to 2. Memphis has apparently shot that down because Chris Wallace is gun shy after the Gasol trade. (Poor guy has a terrible owner and is told what to do and he’ll have that black mark on his resume for the rest of his career. I hope he goes the Charlie Casserly route on ESPN and says, ‘I never wanted to make that trade, I was forced into it as a salary dump. We actually had a better offer on the table from [not the goddamnmotherfucking Lakers!].’) OKC seems happy to stay put at 3 and take Rubio – if they pass on him it better for a good reason, like Ricardo has an advanced case of degenerative syphilis and he’s quietly going mad from mackin’ snitches on the Mediterranean but no one has brought it to light.

Wow – I hope you’re happy with over 1700 words on tomorrow night’s draft and some other potential summer moves in the NBA. I apologize for my lack of brevity, but as I outlined earlier, there is nothing other than baseball on my sports plate right now. And that is probably the worst case scenario for me. Until the NL approves the DH, that is. Maybe that should be my next posting…

Tiger Hatin'

2009-06-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

You can get your torches and pitchforks ready. You can start throwing hideous verbiage in my direction. But please don’t totally hate me. I’m not making any accusations. I’m just asking questions. Questions I haven’t heard anyone ask, but everyone seems to have a potential – if unspoken – answer to.

You may – or may not – have heard of Rocco Mediate. He’s the guy who last year took an allegedly one-legged Tiger Woods to the brink before falling on the 91^st playoff hole at last year’s US Open. He became America’s darling in triumphant defeat. He stood up to the man who is The Man and almost beat him.

I say allegedly for all the wrong reasons and for the purposes of the thoughts and opinions contained herein. Tiger is huge – go to forbes.com and check the list for richest athletes if you don’t believe me. But for every hater, we have to ask another unfortunate question. Is the ‘hate’ because you want to root for the underdog (see: Rudy, Texas Western and Hoosiers [okay, bad example])? Or are you actually hating on Tiger?

I’m not going to compare golf to NASCAR (I’m surprised they don’t have whitewall tires…). But does Hootie really want a guy who looks like the help to be his champion when he opposes women joining his club? And I only bring this up because it seems to be the underlying reasoning for anyone I know who ‘hates’ on Eldrick. For the record, they’re all white people too. (Though admittedly, I don’t talk golf with black people. Usually NBA or NFL. Like I said people, torches and pitchforks.)

There is one particularly poignant moment about this year’s US Open Media coverage. They’ve given press to a letter that Rocco received in the mail last year. In short, John Ray, from Texas, lost his daughter – the baby of the family – the day before her HS graduation. This guy claims to not be a golf fan but found himself watching last year’s Open in the time following the funeral. He ‘became captivated’ and was ‘pulling for’ Rocco, even though he’d never heard of the Greensburg native (SWPa in the House! Wu-Wu!).

Here’s where I don my top hat and cynical handlebar mustache. Was Johnny Boy really captivated by Rocco’s demeanor and how he dealt with the loss? Or was he drawn in by some subconscious want to see the evil Tiger Woods lose? The man who stands for progress like never before. I’d like to finish by apologizing to Mr. Ray. Perhaps your motives were pure. I’m merely asking a question I haven’t heard anyone else ask. Probably for good reason.

Summer

2009-06-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

We’ve officially entered the doldrums. The lull in the sports calendar. We’re some 6+ weeks away from NFL training camps opening. (We must be, there are rumors of a Brett Favre un-retirement.) The winter sports just wrapped their championship series, so they won’t be back anytime soon. What the hell am I going to think/write about???

I have to admit my complete disappointment in the Orlando Magic. I’m not going to call SVG the Master of Panic. I don’t blame him for their loss – minus the tampering of the lineup with Jameer Nelson. D-Ho didn’t make an appearance, with the possible exception of game 3. There was a lot that went wrong for the East Champs. Coach Jeremy was not the main issue.

I remember having conversations going back to March about the Cavs can’t beat the Magic who can’t beat the Lakers who can’t beat the C’s who can’t beat the Cavs. Amazing how it all worked out. Orlando beat Cleveland and Boston, but couldn’t handle LA. Basketball as they say is all about the matchups. This series totally was. And I have to admit I’m surprised that Pau Gasol performed as well as he did. Though it’s not like he had to go against anyone who showed any heart or gumption.

Now Hedo is about to exercise his opt-out clause. Am I the onliest one who thinks this is him going to Cleveland to Scottie to Bron’s Mike? It seems like a logical landing place for him. Bron needs what he does. He needs someone who he can trust explicitly when he utilizes the ‘penetrate and pitch’ offensive strategy. I for one wouldn’t blame the Turkish Michael Jordan in leaving Orlando for Cleveland.

Now that I got the horse puckey out of the way (can you tell that I’m highly upset with how the NBA season ended?) I gotta talk about the Stanley Cup Finals. Admittedly, I didn’t watch any hockey til the Eastern Conference finals. But I’m glad I got into it when I did.

Watching the ‘Guins in the finals was a thing of beauty. Watching a young squad learn how to win on the fly was amazing. The 5-0 loss was excruciating. Flower was damn near awful in that game. But he had a lot of help from a pitiful defensive unit.

It was an odd series. The back-to-back games to start really put the Pens behind the 8 ball. I said from jump (though not in writing and I’m not 100% sure anyone else was in the room) that whoever won game 1 was going to take a lot of moe into game 2 and likely go up 2-0. Sadly I was right and the hometown boys traveled back to the 412 half way to elimination.

Once at that point, Pops declared the goal to be simply getting to a game 7. It would be a definite long shot but it’s one game. The other 6 + 15 + 82 wouldn’t fucking matter. Just 60 minutes to skate your ass off and take the cup home. And that’s what the black-n-gold kids did.

Lord Stanley’s Cup is the best prize in sports. Watching the players celebrate with it. the ritual of taking the lap with it. passing it around the team throughout the summer. Everything that comes with the team’s winning of the cup. It’s better than all the other major sports and any every-4-years competition. I wish I was more a hockey fan. But I’m not for the same reasons that everyone hates my favorite league, the NBA. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to take the bandwagon for a wash, wax and tune up. ya know, on the off chance the Buccos get inspired this July and make a Rocktober-ish run. More likely, it’s going to sit until next May and the Pens next deep playoff run.

NBA Finals Preview

2009-05-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

I get the sneaking suspicion that David Stern has been violently ill for the last 12+ hours. Could you imagine anyone else’s world falling apart so fast? For a minute it looked like Denver was going to take LA to the brink, but no luck. Cleveland came out like world beaters for two quarters, then Orl took the first, almost got the second if not for a last second Glory Be, Our Father and Act of Contrition all rolled into one. Then Orlando did work at home and it was a wreezy.

I thought for sure that Lt. Stern was going to have the fix in for game 6, but the game was in Orlando and his fixing refs only seem to be good at making sure home teams win. So it was ultimately a lose-lose situation for him.

How did everyone forget so quickly that in January we were discussing who’s the best – Cle, Bos or Orl? I guess Jameer going down with the torn labrum, being replaced by the supremely talented if untested Skip, was the turning point. How do you bounce back from losing an All Star caliber point guard down the stretch?

Everyone seemed to be right at first when Orlando wrapped April at 4-5. Then they went and surrendered home court to a frisky yet overmatched Sixers team. They stormed back to win convincingly, check the scores for games 5 and 6.

Next they went into Boston and stole game one. Go look at that box score. They went from 30s with 7 left in the half to 54-36 at the half. Then the series proceeded to oscillate who was up and who was down with no real indication that either home team had a dominant edge.

Finally they land in Cleveland to play the giant juggernaut led by THE monarch. The uncrowned king coming to claim his throne. Already bestowed upon by the Evil Emperor as the unmatched supreme talent, the world was his to conquer. Only, no one bothered to tell D-Ho and the Magic Kingdom soldiers. Cleveland swept through their first two series, the smallest margin of victory 10 points, coming in the final win over Atlanta.

The Cavs were seemingly untested. They won when they had to but they were never under pressure. Not like being on the other side of Orlando’s run in game one. Cleveland was so very dominant from the beginning of that game but they had no clue how to weather the storm when the time came. So they wilted. And they ultimately lost.

So David Stern has his worst case scenario. He has a finals with no King. I’m sure Kobe will be a draw. Ditto D-Ho. But who is the ‘average fan’ going to tune in to see? As one of the 20 remaining NBA fans, y’know people who actually like maybe prefer the brand of basketball the L has to offer, I certainly don’t give a shit about the average fan.

I was wholly looking forward to Bronnie V Kobe. But I’m interested to see how these two teams match up. I wonder if Orlando has anyone – ANYONE – to man up Kobe. At the same time, I wonder if LA has anyone to match up with Dwight. Are you gonna stick Gasol on him? Pau is a biggity bitch. I think my little sister could push him off the block. I guess Bynum is the logical choice. It’s either him or Lamar Odom. I guess if you want to win an NBA title in this day and edge, Lamar Odom is the type of guy who you need to have a big series.

I don’t know what I’m getting at. We are heading for one of the lowly anticipated series in Finals history since San Antone played the Nets. And it’s a crock of shit. Basketball, more than any other sport is about match ups. And there are some good ones here. How does SVG gameplan for Kobe? Guard him, double him, triple him, make the rest of the Lake Show beat you. I’ll take my chances that Fisher, Farmar, Vujacic or LO need to do work for 7 games and attack the shit out of Kobe.

Remember, this is a 31 y.o Kobe, 12 seasons, 1118 games, over 41K minutes, plus last season’s Olympics. Granted, Kobe Bean Bryant is certainly not the roll over and die type. All I mean to say is, he fought so hard in the post-Diesel days to win, what is left in the tank? Orlando has already defeated one superstar with a solid-at-best supporting cast. Can they beat another?

Kiss the Rings Bitch!

2009-05-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I’ve finally made the change over to the NHL playoffs. Don’t applaud me too loudly. It took the Pittsburgh Penguins to make the final four of the league for me to give a shit. And I’ll defend myself thusly.

Playoff hockey is a grand departure from the first 6 months of the season. Allow me to elaborate. The regular season doesn’t matter. Case in point, the San Jose Sharks won the Presidents’ Trophy for having the best record in the regular season, finishing 53-18. They then lost 4 of 6 games to a 42-33 team.

Since the lockout ended, two of the last four Presidents’ Trophy winners have lost in the first round. The NBA had the team with the best record in the league lose in 2007. Before that you have to go back to the ’94 playoffs to see the best team in the league lose in the first round. How is that fucking possible? Because playoff hockey greatly differs from regular season hockey.

I had an opinion here for what type of hockey wins in playoffs versus what wins in the regular season. But I don’t have a clue about anything hockey related other than the following: 1) Hockey players smell ~ maybe not them but their equipment. B) I’ll not watch a sport where the regular season is so goddamn meaningless (see: MLB). Purple) Mario Lemieux is the greatest hockey player not named Gordie Howe and Wayne Gretzky was a whiny little punk bitch.

As I was saying however – wait, I had a point? – I’m enjoying hockey more thus far than the NBA playoffs, which I’ve watched in their entirety. I love the openness of the NHL playoffs. Guys are getting chippy, knees are getting knocked and sometimes fists are needed in order to settle a beef. In the NBA playoffs, guys get suspended for getting off the bench to see if their teammate is hurt in a scuffle.

I know we, as fans, are still dealing with the fallout of the Malice in the Palace. I doubt we’ll ever get back to the way the game was played in the 80s. Do the refs really need to throw that X up over their heads for a flagrant on every good hard play? Does David Stern really expect to see teams allowing guys open, uncontested layups?

What is the fundamental difference between the two games that we have one sport that allows the men to sort it out on the ice within reason and another that polices the proceedings like a prison yard? I’m going to make another list and there are three things on it. A) The NHL has boards and glass that separate the action from the fans. 2) Hockey players wear pads and there seems to be the unwritten law that you must strip before fighting. (Time spent removing garters makes it so hard to fight like a man) Elephant) Hockey players are white and basketball players are black.

Yea, I’m going there. I’m going to devolve this to a race issue. My president is black and so is my favorite basketball player. Look at the 80s. Still no glass. Still no pads. But half the guys on the court were white. Do you think for a second that K-Mart gets away with the McHale clothesline? Survey says ~ show me potato salad!

I have no substantive evidence of this other than liking to rile the masses. I still think David Stern is the best commissioner of the four major sports and hockey (golf has moved up now that Tiger’s back). But the man has serious issues with his referees. It’s to the point that it’s ruining the totality of the product. There are too many shaky and questionable calls for the intent fan to ignore. Let’s get more young men and women calling these games. Leave the old white men to keep the book. Dick Bavetta lost a footrace to Charles Barkley in 2007. The defense rests…

WWE Thoughts

2009-05-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

It feels like I haven’t written about wrestling in forever. It might just be my imagination. I have a lot to cover to please bear with me as I sort through all my thoughts. I’ll try to make them coherent.

First I have to complain – possibly again – about the booking of Randy Orton. Is it really necessary to make him such a weak champion? They haven’t done him the favor of having him pin the current champion, center of the ring, without fighting multiple matches that night. They haven’t let him beat a strong competitor fairly.

Judgment Day was more of the same, apparently. Randy got himself disqualified after Batista began to mount a bit of offense. I guess I’m just conflicted by the whole thing. I do understand booking and how to position these guys. I remember for years when I was younger hating Triple H. Now he’s one of my favorites.

I think we’ve seen all these guys go through their petulant youth. Then they grow into the face of the company role. Unless your name is John Cena. Come to think of it, Hunter and HBK might be the only guys to go through that petulant youth. Then again, how many guys are tabbed as the future of the business?

I suppose this just falls into the category of with no competition the WWE doesn’t have to push the envelope. So they can sit back and plot the same things over and over because they know it works. It sucks for the smarks but it is what it is, I guess.

I just saw a commercial for the upcoming WrestleMania DVD. I couldn’t have been more underwhelmed with a 25^th anniversary. It just didn’t play out well and I think it gets back to what I said in the last paragraph. Every match seemed to run so slow. I found myself wondering why everything flowed like a Hulk Hogan match.

The only match that had a flow to fit its combatants was HBK-Taker. I totally understood why those two were fighting at that pace. They’re about 50 years old. But the MITB has devolved into a spotfest and the flow is very disjointed. The Hardy Bros match was similar. I just couldn’t say enough bad things about the entire card.

Now they want me to drop dough on the dvd. Which I’d consider if only for the WWE HoF material. But if I didn’t get last year’s with the Ric Flair stuff, why would I get this year’s? Because it features The Rock. You people don’t know me well enough…

This is His Legend

2009-05-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t seen I Am Legend, skip this post. I won’t give away too much but I’ll be talking about some of the details from the film. Consider yourself warned….

So I finally got to watch I Am Legend today. I hear you now. That flick’s from 2007. What’s your fucking problem asshole? Have you been under a rock the last couple years? Take your penis out of the penny tray. (My apologies to the good people at the liquor store, it was a metaphor for how I felt about the price of the champagne.)

As I started saying, I got to watch a Will Smith movie from two years ago. I was highly impressed with it. I knew I would be after hearing things about it. and amazingly enough, I was able to stay away from a given away ending. I knew some things about it. but I iddn’t know exactly how it ended.

I don’t quite know how to feel about the film. I had no clue what the genesis of the infection was. I was amazed by the simple plot. Woman. Cures. Cancer. I mean how many people WOULDN’T be on board for that one?

Could you imagine keeping this secret from the general public? I thought of the inherent flaws in a system where you administer an inoculation that works then pass it off to the general public. I want to say the FDA has something of a waiting period from drug testing to mass distribution.

But could you possibly keep this away from cancer patients? How many cancer patients are given a death sentence? Hell if you have a death sentence already, why wouldn’t you take a swing for the fences? It’s such a simple plot device. I absolutely loved it. Everyone and their mother’s third cousin from Tennessee would be wholly on board for beating cancer.

It was also great to see Will Smith doing his best Tom Hanks. I gotta give more credit to Hanks however. Hanks was working with a volleyball (VOIT!!!!!!) whereas Smith at least had a dog. It might not be able to communicate with him fully, but it is alive. The scene with Sam in the lab was amazing. The pain in his eyes. Then of course he sets up the infected at the Pier.

The woman and her son was a nice touch. I think I would have reacted the same to dealing with people again. I loved the line about saving the bacon. As if that made his spazzing out acceptable. It was also cool seeing NYC without anyone in it. The overgrowth and everything there. It was quite the unique world. I’m interested to know how they did it. I assume it was all green screen, because how could you possibly have that much empty space in the city?

I’ll do my best to not give away the ending. But it definitely left an impression. I was jumpy for the first hour or so after watching it. I hope I can sleep tonight, NOT in the bathtub. I was definitely affected by it. I think that’s the most I can say about any piece of art.

Re: The Bacon-Pancake Debates

2009-05-03T16:54:00.001-07:00

After reading Pancake’s interview answers, I felt the need to respond in kind. I’m going to go down in order of the questions he originally asked.

1 – I can’t believe you fucking picked Alexander Ovechkin. This kid is my sworn mortal enemy. And you pick him to roll with. The only thing that would be worse is if you picked Eric Lindros. I can’t say enough bad things about this little cunt. I’m moving on.

2 – Again, I’m flabbergasted. I can’t believe you picked Hypnotized. That’s my least favorite Biggie song. Do know he hated that record? I know the significance of it, with the funeral and all. But I’m not a fan. I mean, of ALL the Biggie songs you could pick. Why this one?

3 – Yea, I can’t argue with this pick. As a Pittsburgher I was born and bred to hate WVU. It’s basically the safety school for everyone who can’t get into LaRoche, Point Park, Allegheny, PSU, Pitt or Duquesne. And I had to leave that St John’s team off cuz they didn’t win much of anything. I was going for championship teams with my selections. And they all were until that Cincy team, but that’s only because K-Mart got hurt in the conference tourney. I think that’s why I didn’t pick the Fab Five squad. That and that they lost to UNC. And none of them had any significant careers in the L, other than to be known as chokers.

4 – Another great pick on your part. Alas, as someone without a regular job, this would not be as totally relevant to what it is that I do. So I couldn’t go for it.

5 – C’mon. ‘I Know What Girls Like’ is a terrible record along with most of the other ones on that album. It’s so fucking weak. Volume 3 is a better album than Volume 1. It’s a sleeper album. It’s a darker Hov, the Outro record, the Dame Dash dance. I’m moving on again…

6 – I’m kinda shocked that you think Rachel McAdams and Gabby Union are first round picks. I don’t see them enough in the public conscience enough to garner first day status. How do you think LiLo falls to day 2? I think her insanity moves her to Day 1. Who doesn’t love a crazy big titted woman? Ditto Kelly Clarkson. That bitch sells how many fucking records. It’s a white bitch from American Idol that I’VE heard of. What does that tell you about her status? I do love Rachel Nichols too. Though I’m concerned about that nose in person. But she definitely is a late round pick. And good call on Sue Bird. I’ve had a crush on her since she was in school. Did I ever tell you I sat 10’ from her after she graduated? I took my sister to Swin Cash’s day camp and Sue Bird and Tamika Williams were in attendance. She was so fucking cute. I didn’t have the balls to talk to her though. I’m such a biggity bitch.

7 – If you wanted me to base it on rappers, why didn’t you fucking say so? Besides, other than Big, what other rapper ever referenced KoNY? Maybe if you were sober for more than 8 hours a day this would have been clear to me.

8 – That’s not an occupation so much as a death sentence. I declare shenaniganz on you. I don’t think you fully answered this question. Meanwhile, I declare my intentions to make and distribute adult films. Get on the ball, Pancake. I think I’ll make a movie with that title….

9 – That’s so great. I love that we allow the dumbest things to keep us from women. I have to say, back in the day my biggest joy was when someone would bring around a girl. After she left I’d immediately note her big nose, lazy eye, crooked tooth, etc. And the ‘relationship’ would be over almost immediately. I loved ruining bitches for you guys.

10 – Dude, such a good weekend. I had a glorious time. It was totally ridiculous the whole way around. You in the suit. Me in the fedora and Wu Tang shirt. All while telling people I was a doctor and you were my professor. And I still maintain that she was incorrectly describing nanotechnology. I was playing to the top of my intelligence. You just suck.

The Adventures of Pancake and Bacon

2009-05-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

So Barnes sent me a list of questions last week to answer. We'd have this interview and you could compare our answers. Like anything else we do, its purpose was (I believe) that hilarity ensues. Go ahead check that joint out.

http://thebarneyshow.blogspot.com/2009/05/pancake-bacon-debates.html

Point of order, I'm Bacon and he's Pancake. Please, don't ask....

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

2009-04-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

I’m thoroughly enjoying the playoffs this year. Everything that’s going on has been thoroughly enjoyable. Admittedly, I’ve been following the NHL playoffs only through SportsCenter. And I’ve been watching predominately the late NBA games. However, getting home late has afforded me the opportunity to watch Inside the NBA on TNT nightly. No homo, I love having EJ, the Jet, C-Webb and Charles in my life on a nightly basis. I really like how Webber clams up right around 1:55 every night, never fails…

Hockey has been entertaining. I love when things go wrong and the number 1 seeded San Jose Sharks going down to the 8^th seeded Anaheim Ducks has been the best. My ‘Guins beat down the collie molesting Philadelphia Flyers. (And I don’t mean to imply that I actually follow the Pittsburgh Penguins. Just a little bit of local pride – I enjoy the run and love when anything Pittsburgh is doing well. Except Terrelle Pryor. But that’s only because I hate Ohio. Almost as much as I hate West Virginia. I’m happy Pittsnogle is fat and teaches special education now…)

Furthermore I’m oddly content that Barry Melrose got fired earlier this year by the Ning. I just don’t believe anyone else telling me anything about hockey. I’m glad the Rangers and Devils both shit the bed. However, that means that the Washington Capitals are still in the playoffs. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t like Ovechkin. He’s like a Russian Border Collie molester or something. Maybe I’m spoiled by my workman-like hockey Gods. But I think LeMeiux is the best hockey player of all-time NOT named Gordie Howe. And I think Crosby has the chance to be the best hockey player of this generation. He just has to rise to this occasion now and outplay that lil Capital Cunt. Oh, and I hope things are particularly sour between Ovechkin and Gene Malkin.

As far as the NBA playoffs go, I’m happy to see Davey letting the men play the game. This tournament seems chippier than those in recent memory. Maybe it’s just the Orl-Phi series and Dwight ‘I don’t care who you are, my elbows will kill you’ Howard. What are the odds that he took a cut at Lee just to show that he wasn’t aiming for Dalembert, his elbows flail as though separate from the rest of him. Talk about your all time backfires.

Then you have the coaches coming up big as well. Did you see the guy from the Rangers? Dude had a stick and was ready to climb over the glass to get to a fan. Look, I’m not an advocate of charging the stands and fighting the patrons. But if it’s escalated to the point where an implement of blunt death need be summoned, I think some deeper issues need be reconciled. Doc Rivers had my favorite line after game 4 of his series with Chi-Town. ‘Maybe we like the pizza. It’s frickin’ good.’ If this were the NFL, Doc Rivers would have been drawn and quartered. And his children raped. (Though the last part would probably just be a regular Saturday night for Pacman…fuckin’ West Virginia)

Phil Jackson said if he were building a franchise he’d start with Dwight Howard and everyone was up in arms that A) he didn’t pick LeBron and B) was that a back handed slap at Kobe? Look, Phil and Kobe are natural enemies along the lines of me and white women – some things just aren’t meant to be…And for the first accusation. Yea, maybe it’s a little dig at Bronnie. Maybe he’s tryna rent space in that Global Icon head of the King’s. Or maybe still, the Zen Master realizes the one caveat of basketball that I was told when I was 11 (I think it was meant as a deterrent for me). You can’t teach size, but you can coach it, unless it’s attached to Shawn Bradley.

My favorite coaching quote though came from Ron Jeremy, I mean Stan Van Gundy. After D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho was called for a normal foul and not ejected, Philly’s coach DiLeo made light of the situation to the press and said he would request the league look into it. As soon as SVG sat down he asked if he should talk about the game or cry about the officiating. He didn’t know what he was there to do. I loved it. Even the coaches are getting’ chippy. Remember, his big brother hung onto Alonzo Mourning’s leg for a quarter-length of the court back in the 90s, I think the Van Gundy’s know how to scrap.

Lost in everything is the surprising outcomes from Texas. I don’t know that I wrote it (and I’m too lazy to review) but I thought that Dallas was way overrated, worse than Detroit. Then they came out and put it on the Dy-Nasty. I know you’re going to talk about a hobbled a TD and a missing Argentinian. I don’t care. Dallas went in there and pillaged the Alamo. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dirk got blitzed off Heffeweisen and pissed off the Riverwalk for an added fuck you.

Even better is how Houston is handling Portland. Game 4 was a fucking clinic. Houston had no business being in the game with how they were shooting. Portland had no business being in that game with how they were working. In the end, the horses won. Houston simply held court at home and can close out tomorrow night in the House the Chinaman built.

And I won't even mention N'Awlins total no-show this post season. I know they're without Tyson Chandler. But how do you lose by 58? In the playoffs no less. This definitely has to hurt Chris Paul's MVP status. Do you think there's any chance in hell that Bron or Kobe go out like that in the playoffs? Even Dirk Diggler's MVP year a few years back wasn't so unceremoniously. And I hear you that he's hurt, but 58? Fifty-fucking-eight?!?! It makes me sick to my stomach. I have to move on...

This Celtics-Bulls series has been the best in show thus far. Everyone and their mother’s tomato plant, wrote off the defending champs soon as it was announced that KG would be out for the entirety of April, May and June. (Though I still maintain that the Big Ticket would return for game 7 in Cle if it meant numbers18 and 2. Again stop reading if you don’t get that.) I was going so far as to declare the C’s to be my dark horse finals favorite, along with Portland. Then they both went out and lost game 1’s at home. This is why I stopped wagering on sporting events.

I don’t think that either of these teams make it out of the next round because they will have exerted so much energy in this series. But Orlando can’t put Philly away and D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho was suspended for game 6. This Bos-Chi series reminds me of the Big East tournament. Just heavyweights throwing haymakers. That’s all they know how to do. And it’s great but it ultimately won’t win you the ‘chip this year. I do thank God every night, however, that the NBA expanded the first round to seven-game series a few years back.

And by the way, I think that Rondo foul was way worse than D-IDCWYAMEWKY-Ho's. Howard was definitely chippy but Rondo took an open shot at an opponents head. After the game, Doc praised Rajon for his heart, saying that you don't give up easy layups, especially in the playoffs. I agree with the sentiment whole heartedly. I don't agree with Rondo's methods. It wasn't a smart foul. He was nowhere near the ball. Brad Miller should have had a hoop and a harm, but I fear he had a Nam-like flash back to the Diesel swringing past his ear. It just seemed the dumber of the two. Howard's was meant to be incindiary and he probably should have been ejected, but not suspended for this next game. Whereas I think Rondo should have been whistled for the L-2 and sent packing for game 6. (Sorry, no of that frickin good pizza pie for you Rajon!)

I know I’m looking forward to the main course. LeBron vs Kobe. 23 vs 24. King James vs Jack Bauer. Everything else is just gravy right now. The NBA is so much better than everything else out there. The league finally grew into itself. The younger teams are right there poised to make a run one of these years. The old guard sunk early this year, but San Antone will be back. I wrote earlier what I think of Detroit. This is the best part of 40 games in 40 nights. First one to 16 wins…

Both Teams Played Hard

2009-04-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

Is it me or has anyone been rendered more irrelevant in a shorter amount of time than Tracy McGrady? I’ve been watching this Houston franchise the last few years in the playoffs just roll over and die. And every year it’s the same pre-season spiel. Maybe this is the year that the Rockets put it together. Well this year it finally was. But it’s thanks to the selfless play of guys like RonRon and Battier, as well as a young roster who was ready to do into battle and fight with honor.

That wasn’t the point to this article though. I was looking moreso to talk about the Eastern Conference playoffs. Earlier Sunday afternoon, John Saunders said last rites over the Detroit Pistons 2008-2009 season. For those of you who don’t know, Cleveland ended the Pistons season in a particularly unspectacular sweeping motion. When I heard Saunnie proclaim the death of the Pistons today I thought he got it wrong.

The Pistons were dead the day they traded C-Bill for AI. C-Bill, as it turns out, was the heart and soul of this mini-dynasty they had kicking in MoTown. He took the big shots, he ran the show and he made sure all the egos enmeshed and worked properly. AI needed the rock more than made Rip an efficient player. Then he took Rip’s spot and it just seemed to put the team down.

That pretty much sucks, because you’re looking at a squad in transition. Tay still has a bit of fight left in him. At least enough to play the KG-ish role on another championship caliber team. Stuckey might be able to be the guy to lead a team in the right direction, so long as he doesn’t have to deal with Mr. WeTalkinBoutPractice and Mr. CTC.

I’m not bashing AI and ‘Sheed to make them look like the villains of the Western world. They’re two of my favorites and I think they can bring a lot to the table in the right situation. I think that situation exists for Rasheed. Off the top of my head, I don’t know where it is. I think he’d be a fine fit for somewhere that has a strong alpha male. I think Phoenix could be intriguing for ‘Sheed. They’ve got enough of the good guys to keep him in line. And he could be hella useful in a modified SSOL-system. (I had started to write that he COULD return to Portland, but there isn't enough of an Alpha yet up there to keep him in check.)

AI is a tougher sell at this point. Where can he go? A team like OKC isn’t even an option because he needs the ball too much and they have too many impressionable youths that he could outright ruin. I don’t think he’s willing to play second fiddle to anyone. And that’s the main problem for him. Charlotte might could work for him, but that’s assuming Jordan has anything to do with the Bobcats and would be around to impart some wisdom for Alley Eye. Memphis maybe would work because they’re just a side show at this point, same as Iverson.

Granted, upon further review, the Billups trade makes sense from a financial standpoint. Those last two come off the books this year to the tune of some $30M. I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me nor do I know what Chauncey’s deal is worth. There is one thing that I’m willing to bank on though – Joe D’s knowledge of what he’s doing with his squadron. I’d go out on a limb to wager that he’s ready to hand the reigns over to Rodney, get a couple more good years out of Rip and Tay, watch Maxiell, Will Bynum and Afflalo grow, see if this Kwame Brown experiment pays dividends and let McDyess step into the big brother role. Then move on a big name this summer, coupled with a solid draft. Or hell even use the cash considerations to buy a lottery pick from a cash strapped team and develop the hell out of someone.

That thought process might not fit into the life plan of Richard Hamilton. But I think there is enough of a market for Rip that you can even move him despite his one year price tag of $11M+. He could be that guy who pushes a team thisclose over the edge. Imagine him on a one year rental in Houston, Portland or NO. I’m not going to consider anyone from the East because I don’t think Joe D wants to knowingly give a guy like Rip to a potential foe. Imagine Rip in Miami – I think Dwyane Wade would like that muy mucho.

What the hell was I saying? Oh yea, I was lamenting that the demise of the Pistons extended back to the original Billups trade. Today was merely the lowering of the casket and the last few months were an extended wake, allowing the rest of the L to see the corpse of the team that has contended for the Eastern Conference title the last 6 year running. Today we said goodbye to a friend that we really lost a while back when the cancer (Iverson) took over and became inoperable (taking Rip's spot). It was also so fitting that ‘Sheed just walked out after the game. No memorable quotes or nothing. He just walked out of the locker room, headphones at his temples. Good bye Rasheed, here’s to seeing you in the desert next fall…

General Random Debauchery

2009-04-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

I was fortunate to take part in a great sociological experiment yesterday. I am a huge fan of these. They’re so much more fun when you have people there with a camera. And I’m good at them because I have the ability to not break character – at least that’s what the legend in his own mind thinks…

Any rate, it was our last day on the set of Zombie Chronicles (www.whataretheinfected.com, peep it) and we the shot list was a little erratic. We had to shoot the zombies big scene, a hallway chase then the action that follows, with the zombies camped out at the front door. (I think I’m not giving much away in anything I’ve said. Apologies if you think I am…) After that, there were some interiors between the humanoids for which the zombies were not needed. then we would finish off the night with an interior for which the zombies WERE needed.

Well, Marvin was kind enough to give us a 2+ hour break. Some of the zombies elected to take off their make up and get redone. (Shouts to Arielle for doing a great job filling in on short notice.) I, along with my boy Leon elected NOT to remove the make up. the extended ‘lunch’ went well enough at first with us just going outside the building and chilling on the benches. But that was far from enough. We decided to hoof it down to the South St. Seaport. (The location was right near the Manhattan Bridge, so not too far a jaunt.)

We took the bike path along the East River passing families with kids who were slightly horrified. We past a few couples on dates and their conversations just stopped dead. There were the guys finishing who just stopped and stared. On the way back there was one drunk who asked me if I was Michael Jackson, then proceeded to belt out a drunken rendition of Thriller.

The best part was when we did get to the Seaport though. It was just your normal average beautiful spring Saturday for many of the families, couples and groups of friends – until they saw a yolked black zombie with a gaping head wound and a big white zombie bleeding from his ear. (Such a great wound, I have to pat myself on the back for the idea…) So we rolled up on a group standing and watching the dancers/acrobats. I was hoping to get in behind a group of people and have one of them turn around and have the black family at the movies reaction. No such luck however.

We continued to the inside because the fat kid had to make pee-pee’s. the stares were just great. There was a little kid who came in the bathroom and ended up going next to me. Then he looked up and I think he won’t go again for a couple weeks. That’s how fast he stopped midstream and ran off. I felt bad for that one because I was doing my best to not make extended eye contact with anyone. I didn’t want anyone to think I was staring them down.

I liked it better just walking through looking dead ahead with unblinking eyes. I would change up my facial expressions too. At first I was going with the cold dead ahead blank Terminator stare. Then I started to mix in the pained look like I had just caught an ass whooping. (I did have a badly bloody ear as it were. Oh and a white T with dripping blood.)

Victor was great too because he took some video which I hope he posts to facebook of people stopping and staring on our walk. There was one guy who was taking pictures of Brooklyn, then stepped in front of us and I walked very close by him. He turned to see who was invading his personal space and looked right into my bloody ear. Then Leon was right behind me with the gaping head wound. Priceless.

It was overall just so much fun. Kids were scared. Adults were shocked. Short Asian people were horrified. Then we had to go back to work. And it just lacked a lil of the panache. Until I started dancing to the one song, ‘I can’t take it any longer … I hate this part right here…’ I was gettin down, son! Much love to my zombie peoples and please peep the site – www.whataretheninfected.com There are so many people’s hard work that have gone into the project. It is still my understanding that this project is just one in a series. Thank you guys for a great experience. Good times had by many…mostly those who weren’t at the South St. Seaport yesterday around 6:30 PM…

Draft Notes

2009-04-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I had a true horse in the race tomorrow for the Steelers draft. Sadly I don’t. I think I’m cool with them going after the best available. The most sensical rumors I’ve heard thus far came from Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. (I’m nice like that son!)

Eddie B said that they’re looking at a defensive lineman. They have a very good D-Line right now, but everyone there is over age 30. I’m cool with that. The boys always gotta reload and they know the right way to do it.

I also wouldn’t be mad if they got a DB or someone for the OL. I’m interested to see if they move that pick though. If memory serves, they’ve moved up the last couple years to get the guys they wanted. I wouldn’t be mad if they moved down if there’s no one high enough on their board. Though with a pick that late, it’s kinda like drafting in the second round anyways.

I think there’s a much larger problem at hand though for these franchises and drafting. Matthew Stafford juist signed a contract with the Lions to become the number one pick in this year’s draft. The deal is worth $78M with some $41M guaranteed. Really? Reall?!? A guy who’s never played a snap. A guy who has a 40% chance of failing (the statistic for underclassmen quarterbacks in the draft). That guy is worth so much fucking money?

They keep talking about how this is going to be a deal point of the next CBA. We’re heading for the uncapped year next year if they don’t get the deal done. The talking heads on the tube have mentioned the inanity of the top picks who get so much money. About how the guys who are established in the league should be the ones getting so much money.

It’s a topic worth the discussion. I’d love to see some of the guys walking off over this issue. It’s the one time I’d side with the millionaires. If you’re one of the first 5-8 picks in the draft you never have to prove yourself to get that life changing money. Then you have the guys who play their way into that role and if they’re lucky enough to not get hurt, they’ll get that life changing money in their second contract.

I remember hearing one time that the average NFL career was 3 years. You’re eligible for a pension after 4 years. These guys put themselves (knowingly) on the line week in and week out. They should definitely be rewarded. But only after they’ve proven it time and again. cap the contract to a 3-year maximum length and bring down the dough. Yea, there will be guys who outperform that initial contract. But a guy like Ryan Leaf won’t fuck up a franchise for half a decade.

Trade Demands

2009-04-24T21:17:00.001-07:00

In light of the rumors that Daniel Snyder is looking to draft a QB tomorrow, Jason Campbell has said he will request a trade from the team. I understand that as a franchise QB you want to feel you have the support of the franchise. But Campbell needs to play like a franchise QB before it’s imperative he’s treated like one.

I think Pat Bowlen has set a dangerous precedent in his handling of the Jay Cutler situation. Of course the two scenarios are wildly different. Cutler is a kind of proven starter and I think the most telling stat for the young man is his 13-1 record in games where the defense gave up less than 21 points. When you have to throw that caveat on a quarterback’s record, your team has some deep seeded issues.

Now Jason Campbell is not a terrible quarterback. I’m a huge fan of his, dating back to his time at Auburn – I’m a big fan of SEC football, I think it’s the best in the country week in and week out. I’d love to see him succeed in Washington. I got no beef with the Skins – I even own a Doug Williams jersey. (Why? C’mon a black quarterback Super Bowl MVP – why would I NOT own his jersey?)

I gotta tell JC to sit down and shut up on this one though. If you’ve never won a Super Bowl, been to a Super Bowl, played in a conference championship game or even WON a playoff game, you are not irreplaceable. The point is for the team to get better. And has he not noticed that his owner will sign any and everyone to his team? Dude, my fat ass got called to play line backer last week after they heard how mean I looked as a zombie in some of the dailies. (You like the subtle hint? Go to www.whataretheinfected.com)

Beyond that there is a striking trend now to forcing your way out of town and into another ‘better’ situation. This has long been a trend in the NBA. Give a guy franchise money, then you don’t have enough left over to get a good second banana, so the team never goes beyond the first round of the playoffs. So said guy bitches about how the franchise isn’t committed to winning and the fans buy into it because it’s true, they aren’t winning. But if the guy didn’t sign for max money and instead leave a lil cap room for someone else to come into a good situation, you could win. PS – KG willed that one Wolves team to the conference finals. And he never complained. He’s the one guy who I’m cool with getting traded to a ‘contender’. The Big Ticket has always been a class act in my eyes. No homo.

I’m glad to see Paul Brown not giving in to Chad Ochocinco. I love how guys over estimate their market value. Then they get out into the open waters and there are limited takers – at least in the price range they were hoping for. So they go back with their tail between their legs. That happened with Manny Ramirez this year.

This is far from a football only problem. This Campbell thing is just the latest incidence of it. You can look through all of sports for guys tryna force their way out and generally getting their way. Because the owner doesn’t want a locker room cancer. I think my favorite manner of handling these situations was the Knicks this year with Starbury. I wish they wouldn’t have bought him out. They shoud have left him sit. What’s the point of paying him $1M less and letting him go to another team (the C’s) when he can sit around and collect the full nut?

So yea, I hope Paul Brown stays steadfast in his ways. Chad has a Heisman winner chuckin him the ball. He could end up with another first rounder lining up across from him. I wanna see Campbell honor the rest of his contract with the Skins. He should be pushed at work. We all are, why should an unproven athlete be different?

And I’ll not defend Cutler’s means of handling his situation. But how could a new coach come in and try to anoint a one hit wonder who’s not taken snaps on a consistent basis since he was in high school? Especially when you have a kid with a laser rocket arm, who might be a very good young QB. I’ll be rooting for Chicago now, even though Cutler doesn’t have a great nickname like the Sex Cannon.

NBA Playoffs Preview

2009-04-18T23:37:00.001-07:00

As I tossed and turned early Saturday morning, I was thinking in my head (where else would I think?) about writing a lil NBA playoffs preview. Make some predictions. Hand out some hardware. I figured it could be a great idea.
I even went so far as to text Barnes and Miggy with my big upset. My dark horse NBA Finals match up was Boston-Portland. That was a stretch before they both gave away home court. Now I feel like a real heel. I know the C’s were a huge reach without KG, but I just could see him pulling a Willis Reed if they made it to a game 7 vs. Cleveland. He’d sacrifice his career to get numbers 2 and 18. (If you don’t know what I mean, stop reading now…)
I’m (or maybe, was) really sold on this Portland team. I had seen very little, okay none, of them this season. I’d been reading, watching some highlights and I caught their season closer the other night on TNT. The Rose Garden always brings their A-Game – they did dating back to the Jail Blazer days. It just seems like a great crowd to play in front of. B-Roy’s performance has been scrumtrulescent this season.
I think of the two teams in my dark horse match up, Portland had/has the best shot at making it to play for the O’Brien Trophy. It would take a tremendous effort to get through Los Angeles, but I think the Blazers are the team most prepared to walk into the Staples Center and come away with some W’s.
Beyond that, I have to agree with the notion that this is the Lakers/Kobe’s year to get their chip. The Cavs and the Heat are only going to get better, as long as their stars stay put. Portland and NO are on the rise out West. NO, with their playoff experience last year might seem to be the team better equipped to make the leap this year, but I think they have too many injuries and question marks (read: changes to last year’s lineup) to properly apply last year’s experience. After all, why did they fall to the 7-seed this year?
In the end, I’m fairly confident we’re heading for a Cle-LAL finals. Those two have just been too good all year long. After them, every other team seems to have that major/tragic flaw. Believe me, I’d love to have Kobe choke his chicken and not make it to 12 wins. I just can’t imagine it happening.
Having said that, the MVP race still seems to be a source of controversy. In hindsight, last year the award should have gone to the Big Ticket. Look at the difference in the C’s without Garnett. They struggled on the road last year, not at home. (Then again, last year Pooh was in Memphis feasting on Gummi Bears and Co-eds by the handsful.) That would make this year’s award the property of one Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant. And I’d have no problem with that. I think LeBron’s transformation into…the Evolution?...puts him head and shoulders above the other candidates. Yet, Dwyane Wade’s season was simply sublime. That roster is so half assed and they landed a 5-seed. Thank you, Mr. 2005 NBA Finals MVP.
So we’re right back to where we started, there is no clear cut MVP. It sucks when it rains and pours. As opposed to when the league is depleted, I’m looking at your Mr. Nash. These cats are all worthy winners and I’d even go so far as to accept arguments for Paul, Chris; Roy, Brandon and O’Neal, Shaquille. I know they didn’t make the tourney for the O’Brien trophy, but the Diesel had a renaissance season for big man ‘that age’. I will not however accept Dwight Howard’s application due to subpar performances against the quality bigs.
In conclusion, they playoffs will not surprise to anyone. They will play out like the NCAA Tournament. The Big East will be splendtacular but not make it to the Finals. I’ll see you guys for Game 7 for the O’Brien trophy from Cleveland in a month and a half. Here’s to Kobe crying like a little bitch when Bronnie gets his first Chip.

NFL Ramblings...

2009-04-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Alright, there’s enough going on here now in the NFL that I can’t really do an entire article on it but I think I can patch together some of my ideas for a coherent rambling. At least I hope it’s coherent. I don’t think much of anything I do could/would be described as coherent. Yet, I digress…
First and foremost are my boys with their resigning of James Harrison. I have to admit I thought they’d offer him a short term deal that he’d have better odds of finishing out. And honestly I feel like he’s a stopgap kinda player. The Steelers go through linebackers like they’ve been drafting them well since the 70s. (Oh, wait…) You’ve got the kids Timmons and Woodley right there nipping at their heels and this is definitely a corps in transition. You’ve got some of the vets who are doing it off muscle memory, albeit still performing at a high level. I guess they think Harrison is worth the deal. And I don’t hate it, though he is going to be 31 as of kickoff this season. Remember, this dude was on practice squads and getting cut for years before he caught on with the Steelers. That’s a few years of wear and tear he saved on his body by not taking the punishment at a young age. To be honest, this jury member is hung (that’s what she said) on this subject. I hope it ends well, but in the long run I don’t know...
I think the Mark Sanchez saga is going to have a bizarre twist come draft day. He was invited as they’ve expanded the field of invites. I don’t know if they did this to cut down on the Brady Quinn factor or heighten it. Kiper and McShay oscillate between his placement in and out of the top ten picks. And the latest has him going to Frisco with the 10th pick. It was odd to me at the time how off put Pete Carroll was when Sanchez declared for the draft. That seems like something that could be a sign to the pro guys about his preparation for this. From a business stand point it’s a good idea though because next year’s draft should feature all the Big 12 guys coming out. So I get his notion to strike while the iron’s hot, but I hope it’s not the Niners that take him. Who knows what size his hands are…
Greg Paulus was the epitome of a quarterback when he was in high school, the second coming of Johnny Unitas, Steve Young and Kyle Boller, if you listen to the sports broadcasters. Yet the Duke football coach said he won’t accept Paulus into his system. I guess it’s the years of national prominence that allow him to make such sweeping declarations. I get his point, it’s a pro-style offense that took Peyton and Eli years to learn. Though I wonder how fast either of them could pick up Su Doku, aw gee shucks, ma’am, I just wanna th’ow a foo’ball. (Sorry I tend not to trust things south of the Manson-Nixon line.) But that has made for some interesting drama. First reports indicate he worked out for the Green Bay Packers. I’m glad they’re putting forth a good show of faith with Aaron Rogers. Next came word that Rich Rodriguez had him into Ann Arbor. I suppose he’s hoping the sideshow of having a cast asunder point guard will make everyone forget that his team had 3 wins last year. All’s well that ends well I guess…
Now there are two wide receivers who are allegedly on the market. Anquan Boldin and his contract issues with the Cardinals and Braylon Edwards and his catching issues with the football appear to be on the move. I get that AZ can afford to let Boldin go because they have Larry Fitz, but it’ll definitely hurt Fitzy’s production. Wait, what am I saying – I have no clue if it will hurt him. He’s a machine and he might be able to do better with three guys on him than two. But what is Cleveland doing in parting with Brady Quinn’s only potential weapon. I say potential because I wonder how many takes they needed to get that 5-hour energy boost commercial. And now the New York Football Giants are interested in Braylon for his Plaxico-ness. Big guy, go-getter, free up the underneath. I’d agree that he’d be good for Steve Smith, Mario Manninham and Sinorice Moss, IF he could actually strike fear in the heart of defenses. I’d hope to see the NYG go after ‘Quan but with what happened last time he was in New York, I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to play in Giants Stadium…
I’m sure there’s something I missed in there that I was thnking about earlier but I can’t remember what it was. So it’s with God now. Good luck deciphering my rambling. I hope it was quasi-coherent...

Fire Isiah University

2009-04-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

Part of me has to wonder if this latest career move for Isiah Thomas is nothing more than a hoax. It seems too surreal to be true. Don’t get it twisted, I love the thought of Zeke impacting the youth of America.
And I gotta give credit where credit is due to Barnes for suggesting that Steph’s truck play host to all recruits. Is there an up and coming kid in the country who wouldn’t want to play for Isiah? I think this could be an amazing opportunity for a 18 year old. Zeke definitely can’t handle the pro ranks, as evidenced by the traveshamockery he left behind in New York. But now he can mold kids who are in it to win it.
I still wonder if this is going to actually happen. I mean the school introduced ‘Isiah Thompson’ as FIU’s new head coach. I thought for a second we might see this guy pop up dead in the next few days. Now I just think he’ll be excluded from recruiting visits.
Have you heard the comments that Isiah made on SportsCenter this morning? His explanation for the sleeping pill incident was extraordinary. He said his daughter was in the hospital that morning. Then he took some sleeping pills that night and he went to the hospital. And the media heard that he went to the hospital, took the story and ran with it, he doesn't blame the police chief for the report to the media. But he never addressed it publicly because he didn't read the paper.
He then goes on to claim that he turned down multiple NBA coaching job offers. When pressed he stumbled and stammered about whom he interviewed with. He claimed that he’s still +1 in the league because he had three good years in Indy, versus two bad years in NY. He says he can evaluate talent and can deal with the younger players. I think that’s the best thing he could do. But I still don’t see him playing out his 5-year contract.
It’s just surreal. I hate to use an adjective twice but it’s the only word I can think of to describe the situation. I don’t think he’s actually alive. He’s totally out of his mind. It’s like watching Mike Tyson now. I actually can’t describe it. I am completely speechless on the subject. But I really can’t wait to see him teaching kids when it is and is not okay to call a woman a bitch…

WWE Draft 09 - Serious This TIme

2009-04-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

As a wrestling fan, I don’t really enjoy the current state of the booking, stale and predictable. But I do like how the WWE has their talent distributed. I know those guys are all still on the road, but it’s a little easier without major competition. They’ve got the bulk of the talent and multiple means of displaying said talent.
I do think though that they need to start working more inter-promotional matches. They have been, using WrestleMania as the case in point. I’d like to see cross promotional stuff built around the different PPVs as well. Don’t just leave this notion for WM and tomorrow’s draft. Let’s see it 6-8 months from now as well. I’m not going to pretend to know what’s about to happen in the 09 Draft, but I’m going to put forth some of what I’d like to see (slash) some things I think could work.
I gotta move John Cena to SD! I don’t get why this move hasn’t happened yet. It seems like a no-brainer to me. Cena’s target audience is the primary demographic of the Friday night show. Monday is a more mature audience and program and a guy like Hunter – you know, the other champ who could certainly be ‘traded’ to Raw in exchange for Cena so each program has a World strap – would more than fit the bill as the ‘over’ face. That’d be my move first and foremost in this year’s draft.
I’d consider moving a guy like Jericho to Friday in exchange for the Big Show. As I’ve said previously in this space, I think Jericho is on top of his game right now. He’ll get over no matter what show he’s on or what program he’s selling. He can draw heat or have juice. Show is similar. He can always toe the line between face and heel. And it never really feels forced. Major plus that he’s such a great athlete at his size. Takes and dishes great bumps. (I’d just like to go on the record and say ‘No Homo’ to everything before and after these parentheses.)
The Colon boys and the Legacy should be on the same show. I think there’s a dearth of solid tag teams and Friday night seems like a viable place for them. Colons, Legacy, Cryme Tyme, Miz & Morrison. I’m not saying that these guys all need to be on ONE program only, but Friday night’s show seems like the beat place to have the titles defended. That way you can still keep Legacy on Raw with Orton.
Christian Cage is a wild card in all this. Moving to Fridays makes sense because Edge is there. They could reform their team or at least their friendship/alliance. They could send him to Monday and have a new version of Rated RKO – this would allow Legacy to freely move to SD! They could have him work programs with the mid card guys. He’s a good worker and can show those kinds of guys the ropes in a positive manner. I question their intentions with him though because they DIDN’T have him win the MITB match. I thought it was certainer than certain that he was going to walk out with that case. Alas, it was not meant to be and they let CM Punk win back to back – which I still don’t get, but I guess I gotta let it play out from the pro’s.
Last, I’m bringing Taker back to Mondays. I miss having the Dead Man in my life on a regular basis. (Don’t forget I already said ‘No Homo.’) Set him up on Monday nights. Let him run some good programs there over the next year or two. I’m basing this off the notion that he’s going to retire in that time frame. I’d love to keep his brother on Raw but I fear creative won’t see it that way. So either Kane, HBK Kofi or some combination moving to SD! might have to happen, depending on the ramifications for all involved.
There’s nothing earth shattering contained herein. And I never claimed that I’d reinvent the wheel. I just wanted to throw out a few ideas for relocating talent. There will be some more low-level guys who move around but I’m forgetting them because they’re still working their way up.

Self Promoting Douch Bag

2009-04-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I find it so hard at times to promote myself. I know it’s not a good thing considering what it is that I’m trying to accomplish right now. But I just find it weird to talk about myself in some situations. If you ask me what I’m working on, I can answer that question. But if the question is ‘tell me a little bit about yourself’, I think we’re all going to be fucked.
How does one answer that question? Tell me a little bit about yourself…
First and foremost I’m a dickhead. That should help you remember my name. Dylan Halaszynski is a Dick Head. Done and Done. Keep that in mind. I’m not maliscious. But I will make fun of you for whatever. I will talk about whatever. And it will most likely be uncomfortable for you. I lack hair on my tongue, as the expression goes. Most things don’t bother me. I don’t know why that is.
After that, I don’t know what to say about me. I love the Steelers. I love basketball. I have a love/hate relationship with baseball. I love mi familia and if you fuck with them, I’ll fuck back. I have a hard time trusting people – I tried it once but I proved to be right in the first place. I hate Boston. The people there might be okay on an individual basis. But it’s like a fucking museum up there and shit closes at like 1:30. I love wearing a Yankees hat up there.
I hate people who don’t walk on the right. This so applies to the subway. Matter of fact, I think the subway could be its own little sociological experiment. I gave up truly being nice to random people on the subway. I’ll say excuse me once, after that I’m just moving. I won’t give up my seat, unless you have a visual malady or are pregnant. Other than that, bite me. Let the people off before you get on and just standing there when the door opens doesn’t help. Besides, I’m bigger than you – I’m fairly certain I’ll get through with little effort on my part.
I enjoy bitching. I love when things go wrong just so I can bitcha bout them. Plus it’s the only time that the fat kid’s heart rate gets elevated. I love meat – no homo. Chicken, pork, veal, beef. I love it all. If you concur, I highly suggest you make it to a Brazilian restaurant and try the rodizio. More meat than you should eat! That would definitely be my slogan if I ran a rodizio place.
I love drinking. I don’t need the physical act of getting shitfaced drunk all the time. But last night I sat at the bar, just playing Chug 21 while Jeff was throwing darts. And it was the most comfortable I’ve been in a while. It was so soothing sitting there. I wasn’t killing em either. I was just chilling, sipping my beer, playing Chug 21. It was downright serene. Then Jeff sat down and we started talking about nothing. It was perfect – again, no homo. But I’m comfortable in my local dive bar. You know how we do…
I love my music and movies. I went over this a couple weeks ago when I commented on their impact on me. I hate the Hills. Someone’s girlfriend made us watch that shit yesterday. I was asleep and the horridness of that show actually woke me up. I proceeded to vomit for the first time in years. See? I can down a fifth of tequila then drink all night and I just need a quiet place to sleep that doesn’t spin. But put me in front of an MTv show and I’m physically ill.
I also love ranting. Tangents that make very little sense are the best. It does or does not have to make any sense whatsoever. It could be related to what we’re actually talking about or it could just be taken from a word that you said. If you just mention Boston, I’ll go off. I have shit that bothers me that you don’t even know about. Go ahead, mention something. I’ll go off. Or I’ll threaten to walk out into oncoming traffic and masturbate.
Yea, I think that’s all you need to know about me…..

Spoiler Alert!

2009-04-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

No seriously, don’t read this if you are going to watch a WrestleMania replay. Otherwise, enjoy…
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Okay...

I must admit I was taken aback by the horridness of the show. How is it possible that every match is paced like every Hogan match ever. They’re just missing the random Hulking up moments. Other than that, they’re slow as hell but with better high spots.
In terms of overall last night…the Taker Michaels match was probably the match of the night. I say such because it was the only one I was fully vested in on some level. I genuinely didn’t want Taker to lose the streak. They had some great teases – the best being the first, after Taker landed awkwardly on a splash and thought he might legitimately be hurt. But he crawled back into the ring so as not to be counted out, leaving HBK in utter shock and disbelief. They took it too far though. I get that HBK is the Showstopper and it was cool when he kicked out of the choke slam. It would have been interesting had he just kicked out of either the Last Ride or Tombstone. But you can’t have him kick out of both. Then have him stay down after one final Tombstone. It just seemed like too much to me. I kinda lost interest. Granted, maybe it’s because I can’t totally mark out like I did when I was 12. But I get the politics end of the business on some level and I only think that match went on so long because HBK said I won’t go out on the first, second or third finisher. Dude, you can kick out of a choke slam and a Last Ride, but when the Undertaker hits a Tombstone you shouldn’t be kicking out. Just like a Pedigree. That should be it – lights out, Game over.
Oh and the pedigree…the title matches were such bullshit. I hate that I was right about Cena and Show. I thought it was cool that Cena tried FU both of them at once. But it didn’t work cuz Edge blew it. Then Cena had to FU Edge separately thereafter. It, like everything else last night, was a very awkward match. The best part was probably Cena’s intro. He had a clone army line the walkway while his old Thugganomics song played. Then he came out to Time is Now while they stood there doing the – you can’t see me maneuver. I never said dude wasn’t a showman just not a good wrestler.
But the match for the WWE strap was a total let down. They had built this story up and it was going to be this awesome match and yadda yadda yadda. But it just didn’t live upto the hype. Not for me at least. I’d say more but I was too bored between moves. I don’t get why these guys are fighting such slow paced matches. I mean it’s not like Hunter or Orton are out of shape or coming off injury. And they weren’t taking major bumps that they needed to recover from, like getting tossed off the Hell in a Cell cage. Hunter took a good flip over the guard rail near the timekeeper’s station and a tough back body drop on the Spanish announce table that didn’t break. They still found a way to introduce the equalizer. I thought business would pick up then and there and Steph or Vince would come out and overturn the decision saying Hunter used the sledge and restart the match or hand the belt to Randy. There was so much untapped potential there. I’m at a loss. And the actual go home moment was so anticlimactic. After watching all the false endings in the Taker match, I expected a little more from the champ match. Alas, I was unsated and hopefully there’ll be some clarity tonight on Raw.
In a bit of news related to future championship matches. I found it interesting that CM Punk won the MITB match again this year. I was dead certain that Christian would win that match. I guess I got the swerve I wanted just in the wrong place. I gotta admit I don’t see where they go with this. I’m sure someone has it all mapped out. Remember, Kennedy won it once and lost it to the Taker when they thought he was hurt. So I suppose they could move it that way or keep it with Punk. I was just shocked that he’ll be getting another shot. They haven’t really taken the time to elevate him in any manner since his last reign. I’m not against the guy getting a push in some manner I’m just intrigued to see where creative goes with this.
There’s so much more I could bitch about for the 25th anniversary of the Super Bowl of the WWE but I’ll stop there. I’ll let it simply hang out there that the event was an overall disappointment. Hopefully moving forward they’ll straighten out some of these storylines. Give a few good swerves and tie up some loose ends. Especially in regards to the Helmsley-Orton program. It was left so wide open last night that I’m interested to see where it goes…

WrestleMania XXV

2009-04-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

The morning of the Super Bowl of professional wrestling and I have yet to weigh in on it. Tsk, Tsk. How dare i? Fuck that – how dare they! I’m so not looking forward to this WrestleMania. It’s total sacrilege for a smark like me. But it’s so true this time around. I don’t know where to start so I’ll just run down the list and let the chips fall where they may…I’ll preface this by saying I’ve not been religiousliy watching Raw/SD! on a weekly basis so you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I will however stand by them, because if I expected more, I’d have gone out of my way to see more of the shows.
First and foremost I’m not impressed with the bookings. I agree that Jericho has been doing some of the best storytelling to this point but Piper has had like 4 hip replacements, Snuka is 97 and Steamboat retired 15 years ago. Last time I saw him try to take a bump on Raw a while back, it was not pretty. I hope that those three got themselves into as good a shape as possible. I’m of the mindset they did because the egos associated with working in the squared circle dictate that you don’t want to have a match on the sport’s grandest stage. Though I think Piper is there because of the pop he’ll get and don’t expect much from him in the ring.
Having said tha, there is a bright light here. I’d love to see this bring in a new crop of next generation guys. Snuka’s son is on Raw and being wildly underused. He and Manu were aligned with Legacy then cast asunder, presumably due to an inability to work at the level of Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. Hopefully that’s been worked at, and you can introduce those guys, maybe along with Ricky Steamboat Jr. And if those guys can’t have a good match with the Lionheart, they should be out of the business. I think Pops on his two rebuilt wheels could have a match of the year candidate with Y2J – he’s just that damn good. Hell he made JBL look half alive and pertinent.
Hey, that feels like a great time to segue. The Texas RattleSuck is going to fight the half pint, double hearted hero, Rey Mysterio. Five years ago this would have been great….wait, what am I about to say? This match would have sucked any time. And it most certainly will Sunday night. I just hope both of them can make it through without breaking a hip. This does seem appropriate however to mention how much I enjoyed old school ReyRey. I remember when he got lawn darted into the production van by Big Kev on Nitro. Now? I don’t think Kev could lift him. Okay, bad analogy. But my point is that he’s perpetually hurt and he’s become a shell of his former self. And I think it has to do with the WWE culture of ‘big’ – ness. I think in all the shit that we’re seeing with these guys dropping dead, that needs to be discussed. But the aforementioned competitive nature kicks in and you wanna keep up with the Jonses. So you bulk up to make it to the show…
Speaking of depressing, how bad can this Hardy Boyz match be? I mean, can it be an all time bomb (and I don’t mean Swanton)? It does have the element of extreme rules going in its favor. But that’s like putting mag wheels on a dump truck (sorry, I’ve been watching old Double-A promos). Jeff Hardy is a good worker. I dig the stories he tells in the ring. I like the bumps he’s willing to take and splashes he’s willing to make. But Matt Hardy has always been tits on a bull to me. Dude is a great tag team wrestler – one of my favorites and a tremendous compliment to his brother’s skill set. But he’s never had it in a singles match. He doesn’t possess that IT. I’ve never seen him and been totally enthralled. Randy Orton is a guy you can’t take your eyes off (no homo) ditto Hunter, Cena, Taker, Michaels. Matt Hardy comes on and I run for the concession stand.
I wish I could say I was more hyped for the Money in the Bank ladder match. This shit should go elimination style for the first 15 mins just so we could get rid of Henry, Kane, Finlay and MVP. Yet if they did that I’m sure we’d see Shelton Benjamin go out almost immediately. Why do they seem to hate the gold standard? I suppose he doesn’t meet standard practices in the ring. I don’t know if it’s work ethic or attitude, but it sucks. I’m a big fan of his, likely the most athletic mother fucker in the WWE but it seems he’ll never (get a chance to) put it all together. Enough of that though as the main purpose of the match would seem to serve as a vehicle to get Christian off ECW. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this match who didn’t think that Captain Charisma was going to win the match. Dude was king of the TLC matches back in the day and they need no reason to get him off their dud of a Tuesday night snoozefest. More on this a little later…
This Taker/Michaels match would be amazing if it was 1995 and I barely had hair on my scrotum. Alas, it’s 2009. Shawn is Hulk Hogan level bald, has no knees, a fused neck, a fucked up back (didn’t that come from a match with Taker? Or was that the neck from being tossed head first into the cage? Can someone clarify?) and I have a forest down there. Last year I had to deal with HBK ‘ending’ the ‘career’ of the ‘Nature’ Boy. (Damnit!) So help me God if he ends the Deadman’s WM streak, I will never EEEEEEEEEEEEVER watch wrestling from Houston on April 5th again, but I’ll finish this broadcast, albeit under protest. Taker has done a great job taking his career to different level these last few years. He still does the Old School rope walk but it’s not like it was back in say, ‘95. I like how he’s begun pacing his matches. It’s his version of a Hogan match, except there’s a display of legitimate wrestling skill. It’s slower but it’s equally as brutal as ever, it just comes off as more deliberate. I think it was a great move to turn him into an MMA-style fighter. The triangle choke (I tried to spell it the technical way, but was struggling with the spelling) was a nice touch for him. All in all, this match better not end with Mr Wrestlemania having his hand raised. I might cry…
All of which brings me to the main events of the evening. What’s that you say? There are other matches. That may be true but…suffice it to say that I will be going to the concession stand A LOT during the broadcast. The booking of the main events feels rushed. The Raw main event is a new version of the match from last year. The SD! main event is a mishmash of a mismatch but I get it. This match is going to justify the contract Vinnie Boy has given to Big Show. John Cena is going over by slamming Show in the middle of the ring. I’d be impressed if they hadn’t played this card before. When did Cena fight Khali and hoist the googly retard up for an FU? It wasn’t that long ago, was it? Alas, that didn’t happen at the Grand Daddy of the WWE. So we’re left with this version of David v. Goliath. But with pipes like that, John Cena hardly fits the bill for David. Now if they have Edge slam Show, I’d be impressed by that. I just hope the Rated R Opportunist doesn’t hurt anything lifting him. I mean, Show outweighs my Honda Civic, right? If I hit him with my car, it’d fall apart and I’d be left sitting in a makeup stained bucket seat holding a steering wheel. (Thanks CheeChee…)
No matter who wins, I think this is when Christian should cash in his money in the bank. Edge cashed his in and thus was born the ultimate opportunist gimmick. What better way to usher Christian back into the WWE lexicon than one upping Edge and not waiting even 24 hours? Soon as the match ends have him come down straight away with a ref and win the strap. Bonus points if he beats Edge in a nice touch of one upsmanship against his former partner. Negative points if he beats Cena. That fucker better not get anywhere NEAR 15 title reigns. I’m already irked enough that HHH is going to eclipse Flair, I don’t need to think about the Dr. of Thugganomics going that route as well.
And the main main event of the evening. And this damn well better be the last match of the night. There’s no reason anyone other than the winner of the Royal Rumble should fight in the final match at Wrestlemania. (As an aside, I think the only good match I’ve ever seen Batista have is when Taker won the rumble and they fought. Unfortunately VKM [rightly so] didn’t think Batista could work decently enough to be his main event. Such a shame because Taker carried the Animal to a really good match.) So it feels like this match was rushed into and just thrown together over the last few weeks. I know they’ve been building this one and I’ve praised this Orton character. But I’m not looking forward to this match. It was done last year. I’d rather see Orton/Edge though that would mean one of them was a face, and I don’t think there’s anyone else to play a top tier heel in the WWE right now. I suppose they’ve done a decent job of building this storyline, but I’m not impressed. The home thing was done before and so much better with Austin and Pillman. I do love the idea of Orton deliberately going after Stephanie. I thought him kissing her was a beautiful if disgusting touch. Though I fear we’re headed for the Orton-McMahon era. Vince is good for family disputes. I think this ends with Steph telling Hunter that she loves bad boys and that’s what drew her to him in the first place. And now he’s not bad enough for her, so she’s going to join the most evil of them all. Vince kinda has to go this route. I think I’ve hashed this out before. For the first time in a long time, they have a bad guy who’s over Vince. He’s been the top heel in the company for a long damn time. They need to continue to advance Orton to new depths. Plus, you have the ability to explore the space with Hunter in that situation. He can do all sorts of bad guy stuff, which he’s good at, all while still being over as a face because Orton stole his wife. I can’t think of anyone in the crowd who won’t cheer for that.
So there you have it. I know I didn’t get much into the booking end of things. I touched upon it but they’ve done such a terrible job with these matches that I don’t even want to think how some of them are going to end. I’d rather focus on how the storytelling in the ring plays out. Much as I think Taker/Michaels is an over the hill matchup, I think it has a good chance to steal the show. Two vets, playing to the home crowd, on the biggest stage they have. One who claims to be Mr. WrestleMania. One who, by viture of 17-0, IS Mr. WrestleMania. I also hope they have a few twists – good ones. I hope there are just 7 corpses left at the end of the MITB match. I hope I don’t have to watch Cena FU Show then have a pose down with the Hulkster. And I want a fucked up finish to the Orton/Hunter fight. I don’t think I ask too much, do I?

Cavs Title Hopes

2009-04-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

The Cleveland Cavaliers have the best record in the NBA. LeBron James is lights out and arguably the best player in the league. The Cavs have been mentioned as the presumptive world champs. I had agreed with that statement. Until right now…
Sorry for the dramatics but I wanted to feel all journalistic-ie. Seriously though, I really thought the Mistake by the Lake might be home to the O’Brien trophy this June but the stats might indicate otherwise.
I can hear the counterarguments right now. They’ve only lost two in a row twice all year, including 15 total losses. They’re 36-1 at home, meaning they’ve done most of their losing away from the Q and they’ll have home court throughout. The telling stat is that the Cavs are 2-6 against the C’s, Lake Show and Magic Combined. The two wins coming at home and their first (and only) home loss this season against Kobe and Co.
That gives them ten losses away from home to non ‘upper echelon’ teams. I could live with that because even a broken clock is right two times a day. Digging deeper shows away losses to a new-look Detroit Pistons in November, a tough L in South Beach on New Years Eve Eve, double OT against Chicago, a one-pointer in Indiana and a pair of L’s to the Wiz – WITHOUT the Hibachi.
Add that all up. Losing record versus main competition for the ‘chip. Losing at home to Kobe and the Show. Inability to go into some of the more vociferous gyms in the league and come out unscathed. That doesn’t sound like a champ, does it? I recognize that the C’s didn’t win a road playoff game until game 4 of the finals last year. That C’s team still needed to put it all together. The big three were extra medium at the beginning of May and their hearts grew three sizes by the time they got to LA. (C’mon that rhymed and the meter matches almost perfectly. What’s not to love about a Seussian reference?) Yes, it’s also true that this Cavs team has to put it all together like that Celtics squad last year. Mo Williams is new to the unit. Ditto Joe Smith, a trade deadline acquisition. Delonte is still recovering from the wrist and working himself back into his role.
That’s not what’s at stake here though. This Cavs team seems to have a legitimately tough time with their fiercest competition. Sure, Chicago doesn’t seem like much of a threat but they currently sit eighth with Detroit only half a game up in 7th. Granted, Detroit has almost totally bottomed out right down to AI shutting it down for the year as of last night. The argument that Detroit can beat them in a best of 7 is fairly ludicrous. (Note: I definitely just spelled Ludacris and had to be corrected to get the proper spelling of that word. Hip hop – ruining the written English language since 1982.)
The second round opponent, if the playoffs started today, would be Atlanta or Philly. The Cavs are undefeated against Illy including a sweep of a home and home in three days. Yet, good things just seem to be happening for these young Hawks. Last year they took the eventual champs to a 7th game. This year, they’re a 4 and boast a home W versus their likeliest of second round opponents, the Cleveland Cavaliers. It seems like Joe Johnson had the right idea, for all the wrong reasons, when he spurned the Suns for the greener pastures of basketball purgatory that is the Atlanta Hawks.
Granted, a number 6 seed won the Super Bowl three years ago. That was followed up two years later by a 5 seed downing the football winning machine. A number 12 seed went to the Final Four. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays had not just playoff games last year, they were in the World Series…So it’s not highly unlikely that the Cavs will win their first NBA chip and overall city championship since Jesse Chris walked the earth. The circumstances are there however which may preclude them from ‘cutting down the nets’ in June. (Note: if the Cavs withstand all those road games and emerge as the Champs because they have home court throughout, I want all of you to throw these 700 words right in my face. I totally deserve it…)

My OCD

2009-04-02T21:42:00.001-07:00

Sports Guy had a section in his mailbag the other day where he talked about how April is the best month in the sporting calendar. The NHL/NBA seasons end and playoffs begin. MLB opening Day. The Final Four. Easter – tell me the egg hunt with your cousins isn’t a sport when you’re a pre-teen. The NFL draft. And WrestleMania.
That’s a hell of a list there. I’d love to agree with him. But April is not my favorite month. I got beef like a butcher with the month of April – sorry I was channeling my inner commercial rapper there again…I hate April for 5 little words. April. Showers. Bring. May. Flowers.
I’m cool with flowers. I like the smell of them. I like the aesthetic properties of them on the table. I like giving them to that lil cutie and watching her appreciate them for those same reasons. I dig May. Any month with a holiday that encourages me to drink tequila is A-Okay in my book. Plus, I’ve always been a fan of Memorial Day. Beginning of summer. It reminds me that Kennywood picnic day is right around the corner. (Note: Dylan hasn’t been to Kennywood in years at this point, but the nostalgia is grand.) Bring is cool with me. It rhymes with King. I am the King of Kings. I like April for aforementioned superficial reasons.
I’m annoyed by the humidity up here in the summer. I enjoy a San Diegan 82-degree day with no humidity and a nice breeze. I LOVE snow – showers, flurries, storms - Oh the weather outside is frightful…I’m down with those days in September when it’s unseasonably mild. I anxiously await those November days when it’s unseasonably sunny/warm.
I hate the rain. I don’t like being rained on. I was walking in the rain the other night, it was March 31st getting drenched. I started thinking how on March 1st, I was walking in that awesome and unexpected blizzard. I was taking the same route both nights. I loved the snow. I hated the rain. I started thinking about the rain and how much I despise it. Then I thought about the only time I can remember being alright with being rained on. It was in ’07. I was running a concrete pour at the Plaza Hotel. We were pumping it up two stories into our space. Everyone else was walking around looking like the Gorton’s fisherman. I was wearing a hardhat to keep my face (realatively) dry.
It was raining hard for hours on end while I stood with the truck making sure everything went well. I had no problems when I went inside that afternoon all soaked and monitored the other work in the space. I did however get really pissed off when I got called into a meeting at the home office at 2PM. I walked in and they were bumping the AC a lil bit and I was fucking miserable. That’s honestly the only time I can remember not caring I had been rained on – upto the point where I had to go into the office. But I made up for that by shaking like a wet dog every room I went into.
And I had a startling epiphany right then and there, in the rain. I hate being wet. Correction, there are only two situations I find it acceptable to be wet. Carnally and in the shower. Aside from that I’d rather be dry. I think it’s a weird phobia I possess. I don’t like being rained on. I don’t like swimming pools. I don’t like the beach. (Though I’ll heartily listen to arguments that I don’t like those lost two because I’m ‘out of shape’. And it’s entirely possible that I’ll agree. Depends on the day we have this conversation.)
But that’s it right there. I wear my pants a size (or two) too big and the legs drag. They get all soaked and with the oversaturation on the ground, the rain water ends up running halfway up my calf. I wear Uptown’s most of the time and they’re not exactly what you’d call water repellent. The toe box is a giant piece of perforated leather.
I hate having mushy socks. It makes my toes all wrinkly and cold. And once my feet get cold, I’ll get cold and be miserable until I can take a shower. (I know I’m a little bitch, you don’t have to tell me. But feel free to click the comment box at the bottom of this page and expound.) And the shoes themselves don’t dry out in the toe for 3 days upto a week. You’ll get rained on Tuesday afternoon, then throw them on to go to dinner on Friday and it’s still moist. WTF?
Of course this feeds into another neuroses of mine that we were discussing earlier tonight. I have a thing about being barefoot. I can’t do it. IDK if I spent too much time in nasty ass locker rooms when I was an impressionable age. But I can’t go barefoot. I have to wear shoes or slippers everywhere I go. It doesn’t matter if we’re just chilling at your parent’s neatly kempt house. I need to have something covering my feet, protecting them from any number of infections which live on the floor. I’ll feel naked and totally uncomfortable if I’m even in my socks.
I think the only thing that feels good on my feet is my parents’ backyard. I know that makes NO sense because it has more germs than the living room. But I know where the roots are in that yard. I know where the grass is thick and luscious. I also know where Barrett Fucking ------ tore up the yard wearing cleats playing football when we were kids. Though, those areas have grown in nicely over the last 12 years. You’d never know it was bald for over a decade. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go alphabetize my mouth care products…

The milks was chocolate, the cookie's butter crunch...

2009-04-02T21:01:00.001-07:00

I love the American ego. It always strikes me that everyone is so opposed to change. I’m honestly shocked we voted in a black man as president. Much as I believed we needed change last November, I didn’t think there was enough want in this country for ‘radical’ change.
I use quotations there in the most legitimate sense because I don’t believe it’s truly radical. It’s not like Barry took office and repealed the Rockefeller laws or pardoned Tookie. Yes, there’s a culture of change in the Oval office in that we don’t have a Washington insider running the show. But there’s nothing wildly outside the box looming in terms of change.
I’d like to see something like another updated schedule to the Iraq troop pullout. What say we have our boys and girls home by Labor Day? How great would that be? On the news a few weeks ago, I noted that Iraqi confidence was soaring AND the residents are unhappy with our mission. Fine, let’s give them what they SEEM to want. Let’s get the fuck out. Let all our digital camo wearers sip Mai Tai’s (Polynesian word for dumb fuck) on their decks as the summer closes.
Funny thing is, this post was spurned by the new Chevy commercial. Honda, or one of the Asian auto companies, started advertising protection on payments on your vehicle. If you lose your job you’ll be protected for 6, 9, 12 months while you get a new job. Now Chevy is offering this feature along with some guarantee that if you have to ‘return’ the car you’ll get a ‘good’ value on it.
It seems like there are no original ideas in this country anymore. Everyone is so used to following the status quo. They settle into a routine, 40 hours a week, pension in 20-25 years. No one wants to go out on a limb anymore. Did no one learn anything about pensions/retirement savings from the events of the last 6+ months? Though, I guess it’s easy to critique when you don’t have car and house payments.
I find myself against the grain recently. I talk to friends of mine and they’re like ‘oh I’m closing in on 30, I want a place with matching furniture.’ Really? That’s what’s hot in the streets? I’m so anti-establishment right now. Fuck a house. Fuck a mortgage. I wanna roll Frank Lucas style. I’m payin straight cash. If I can’t afford it, I ain’t tryna buy it.
I’m sure it seems like I’m all over the place. My point is simply this. There seems to be two Americas. There’s the America that votes in the black man. I think most of them were hoping for a return to democratic politics but with a face that screams change. I think there lay a pocket of the populace that wanted to see Barry take office and pardon Tookie and repeal those Rockefeller laws. The radical change people.
Yet, I don’t think radical change will ever happen. I’d love to see it. I’m the one who thinks this country won’t be a single unit in a century. I know it doesn’t make sense but I love anarchy. I’m sure it won’t happen because this country was founded by the fucking Puritans. Everyone these days is happy to leave the status quo be. They can make the car payments and mortgage payments. I say that to say this. While you’re off running the rat race, I’ll be the guy on the couch challenging what you think a 25 y.o should be doing. I’m making moves you’ve only dreamed of. Sky’s the Limit – see you chumps on top…

And The...

2009-03-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting the way we deal with things. I suppose when I say we, I really mean me. But for as long as I can remember, movies and music have had the ability to deeply affect me. I know that sounds really stupid and art house-y, but it’s true for me.
I watch films and do one of three things. I watch and see the horrible acting and how much I don’t believe Timmy Blowjobber playing Karl Kumswap, then I sit there and bitch about it. Or all I see is how the director made horrible use of the lighting/set/scoring/editing process/plot devices, then I sit there and bitch about it. In those moments, I feel the need to take a step back and remind myself that this is Martin Scorsese working with Robert DeNiro and I’m just some fat kid sitting on a couch at 3 in the morning with Cheeto dust ground into my yellowing white T and he MIGHT have a little better feel for the craft than I.
The third thing I do is to not have that shit bother me and instead focus on the story and get drawn into it. (Plus I’ve learned to tolerate one bad actor in a cast telling a solid story.) I take the story and digest it. Allow it to pass over me. How does it make me feel? What evoked the greatest emotion? The story, the character’s relationships or just the ability of Adam Acadamy to make me believe that he really was Oscar Statue. Things like the restaurant scene in the Godfather stick with me. I remember the immediate reaction I had to the guy laid up in the bed who sat up in Se7en and it freaking me the fuck out. Even moreso is Michael coming out of the bathroom with more than his dick in his hand, then dropping the gun to his side on the walk out. I look at shit differently in my life that I used to did. I walk into a restaurant and wonder if it screams, romantic dinner or mob hit. That’s also usually a good metric to determine how a date is going to end…
Music is the same for me. I hear a song and think about the words in it. Don’t get it twisted I still love my jazz and jam bands. But I need words, though not all of them. I hear something like ‘Superstar’ by the Carpenters and think not of a guy on one knee proposing in some sappy love story. Not me. I think of the climax of a story wherein a couple has their ups and downs. And JUST as they’ve put the ills and poisons of the world behind them, she’s coming home after a long day of Christmas shopping for the kids, that song plays on the radio and that content smile crosses her lips, twinkle in her eye. Yet when she gets to her home, the cops are there. She knows immediately. Perry Provider was killed in a car accident.
Maybe none of what I’m saying makes any sense. Maybe it does. It does to me. At least I think it does. I say that because I’ve been agonizing over this or that the last few days. And I just watched a film that I hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t know when I sat down if it would be cathartic or if it would remind me of those agonies. After all, the most minute tidbits have been setting me off. But this…it put me at ease. Validated certain notions I’ve been carrying with me. I suppose I could have saved the both of us some time in just saying, ‘Yo I seen some shit and it opened my eyes, yo…’
Alas, ‘tis not my way. But it is the reason I write these scripts. The reason I point that camera at any number of actors who’ll allow me to film them. The reason why I get up in front of a camera and play Dylan Edgar or whoever else these directors want me to be. I’ve been told that emotion should play no part in what it is that I do up there on stage or in front of the camera. I get it. At the same time, I can’t run from it. I’m emotional. Always have been. I try to mix the emotions with the craft. And when I find the right balance……’I’d like to thank the Academy...’

Grateful Dead?

2009-03-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

I’m including a link at the bottom of this paragraph. Before you click on it, I want you to mentally prepare for what you’re about to see. Sit down. Remove any collared shirts and ties. Take the laces out of your shoes, go place them in your bedroom then come back and click on this.

http://www.stubhub.com/the-dead-tickets/?ticket_id=170970579

Don’t continue to read until you’ve clicked that.

Are you fucking kidding me?
$13G’s to see the Grateful Dead? If I’m paying $13G’s to see them, I want Jerry on guitar. With guest appearances by John Lennon, Biggie Smalls – and a lil Jesus Christ mixed in. Ya know, just to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth.
Seriously though…has there ever been a clearer sign that hippies are dead? Have the Phish Phans infiltrated the movement so much that their greed is running shit for other bands now? Give me a fucking break. You should be able to get into this show if you have a giant bag of reefer, left your bra at home because it was holding you down or you have a stub from upstate NY circa 1969.
By the way, I refuse to refer to their ‘Phans’ as ‘Heads’. They’re biggest douche bags this side of child pornographers. They’re not in it for the music, they’re in it cuz it’s the cool thing to do. They wanted a response the ‘Grunge’ movement – Trey and the Boys obliged. Now their dickbag fans feel a sense of entitlement that in order to follow them you have to be a certain age or look a certain way. My point is, if I got a better grade in music class than your beloved frontman, suck my balls, learn an instrument. And for God’s sake – TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER!
I digress though. I didn’t mean to tangent there, I just had a bad experience with some Phans when I saw them as a kid. And any Phan I’ve met since has by and large fit the same bill, only now they try to pretend that it’s not happening.
In conclusion, don’t spend $13G’s to see a reincarnation of arguably the best live band of all time. Take that money and invest in your education. Or loan it to me so I can pay for mine…

My Ability to See the Future

2009-03-22T15:09:00.001-07:00

I was going to come back in here on Friday night with about 2 minutes left in the first half when Robert Morris tied the game. Then I said, well I'll wait to see how the half finishes out. But am I glad I didn't gloat hard when the game was tied. MSU promptly ripped off a 21-0 run to end the first and start the second.
On a positive note, if it weren't for that ginormous slump, they would have had a chance. Of course that's like saying, if it weren't for Fat Man and Little Boy, Japan might have stood a chance in WWII. But I digress. Valiant effort by the boys from Pittsburgh International, alas too little too late. Even for a game called by Gus Johnson.
And where the hell were the upsets this weekend? The closest thing we have to a Dog in the round of 16 is AZ. No one said they belonged in the tourney and they'll be playing in the second weekend. So fuck you Mt St Mary's fans. Could you have beaten a seriously overmatched 13 seed who was still in a state of shock from beating an ACC 'contender'? Or a normal upset of a 12 over a 5 against a non-BCS also ran?
So here's a giant fuck you to all mid-majors. I hope George Mason had enough fun for all of you because the BCS commissioners will be damned if any of you EVER make it to their final four again.

Have no fear....

2009-03-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

The Underdog is here...
I'm going to go out on a limb right now at 3:40PM on Friday afternoon. Pitt and WVU are playing at the same time. Here in the Burgh they're showing the WVU game on another local channel. We flipped away from the Panthers to check the Sisterfuckers vs Dayton - lo and behold, Gus Johnson is calling games from that site.
I was immediately excited because I knew where the day's upset was going to emanate from. Has there been a big upset he HASN'T called in recent memory. A quick check of the main bracket reveals that Robert Morris is playing the night cap in Minneapolis.
A quick aside, I was at the tourney in the Burgh some 10 years ago when Coppin State beat Univ of South Carolina as a 15 over 2 upset. It's something like one of only three times it's ever happened in the history of Dr. James Naismith. It was amazing to see that because the ENTIRE arena got behind Coppin even as their 'star' sat with fouls for most of the final frame. Everyone loves an underdog.
Back to my limb walking - Gus Johnson, Robert Morris as a 15....IDK it just feels right. So you know, I didn't pick this in my pools because IDK Gus was going to be their play by play man. But I'm calling it Bobby Moe over the Spartans. You heard it here first. Say hello to Mr. SixteenForSixteenOnDayOne...

...And I Hate Dogs!

2009-03-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Do yourself a favor and peruse this. It's pretty ordinary until you scroll down to the first paragraph under 'Personal Life'. This is exactly why I love wikee....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Morgan

Cuse-Conn Follow Up

2009-03-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting here and there’s about an hour to tipoff in the Big East Championship which I likely won’t get to see because I don’t have cable and espn360.com doesn’t agree with my ISP – cork soakers. I wanted to get this posted before Syracuse lost and I’m happy they beat the Sisterfuckers, I mean Mountaineers last night in the Semis. I have to acknowledge the game that Boeheim’s boys played two nights ago against Calhoun’s Cunts.
I didn’t get to see any of regulation play because I was busy with work. But I did see the miracle shot that wasn’t. Devendorf’s three at the buzzer was thisclose to counting. I was hoping it was, for as you can tell I have an acute aversion to UConn basketball. (Except for Sue Bird – I love her and I sat next to her at a camp hosted by Swin Cash one day. Not even talking to her in any way shape or form is my biggest regret. I could stomach the WNBA for a shot to skeet on her shovelface. God I love her…I digress.)
The way that the Cuse fought back in each of the first couple OT’s was magnificent. As the announcers pointed out, the Orange didn’t have a post-regulation lead until that last frame. The Huskies would come out hot, then taper off and the Cuse would capitalize. They’d weather the Connecticut storm, then make a run of their own.
Fouls certainly played a huge role in the extra sessions. Devendorf going out led to a seldom used walk-on getting minutes. Kris Joseph was the only fresh set of legs on the court. Much as he helped, Joseph wasn’t the story of the night. Johnny Flynn was THE MAN. Kid was gettin it in from all over the court, logging 67 (SIXTY FUCKING SEVEN) minutes. Total court general, quite impressive for a sophomore. As awesome as he was, Paul Harris was on the other end of the spectrum. He was seemingly the only one who could get to the front of the rim, which was guarded for 53 minutes by the agonizingly overrated Hasheem Thabeet. When Thabeet went out, I remember thinking to myself that was the key to Cuse winning.
I was speechless when the Orange finally broke through to start the 6th OT. An 8-0 run. Thing was, Connecticut had opportunities, open looks, offensive boards. It took them 3 minutes to hit a shot. They looked like they had no fight left. Cuse was fighting for their Dancin’ Livelyhood, UConn – like Pitt before them and NC, MSU, UCLA since – was already into the tourney and pretty much set in stone. I don’t mean to slight the effort that UConn put forth, but the boys from Upstate NY just ‘wanted it more’ as the cliché goes. Again I’m rooting for the Orange tonight, mainly because I LOATHE the Louisville Cardinals and their douche bag filled fan base.

RIP Test

2009-03-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news – I felt it necessary to comment on the latest wrestling related death. Andrew Test Martin was found dead in his Florida apartment. The cause of death is as yet unknown, according to that articles I’ve read. An autopsy will be performed in the holes of answering that question.
As I sit here I can’t quite pinpoint what will be the legacy of Test/The Punisher. I think I remember him most from his storyline where he was to marry Stephanie McMahon. Triple H then interfered and he married a drugged out Steph and this led to the McMahon-Helmsley Era storyline. That however was some ten years ago now. Where does that leave him? Admittedly, I rarely find TNA on the dial so anything being done there falls on my indifference curve (thank God Christian Cage is back in the WWE – I missed the leader of the peeps). Therefore, Martin’s Punisher gimmick is lost on me. But he was there for less than a year so I don’t think that’s his legacy.
At the other end of the spectrum is how I really remember him. He was a presence. He had a great look. But I don’t ever perceive him as having been over, despite his working with the Rock, HHH and the McMahons. If you really want to trample the man’s grave you can say his was a career of unfulfilled talent. I don’t see it that way however. He never got the big push because he wasn’t that good on the mic.
I can hear you now running off the names of champs who weren’t good on the mic. Taker, Kane, Jeff Hardy, Mysterio, Benoit (which may or may not have ever happened if the VKM had his way [cocksucker…]), Lashley, Lesnar. The last two on that list is no longer with the company, no big loss. The first two on that list are so far over that they don’t need the strap, but were rewarded for their services. The two in the middle were just too good of workers to never hold a strap. Test was never that proficient in the ring. I think I found a place for Test in the books. He’s Kevin Nash without the mic skills. Kev has definitely deteriorated in terms of ring work, but he’ll always have a job because he’s great, nay classic, on the mic and a good to great storyteller in the ring.
I’m sure this won’t make the tombstone of Andrew Test/Punisher Martin. And it’s not intended to be chapter and verse on the man who was a son, cousin, nephew, friend outside the ring. It’s merely a reflective look at his career. And I meant what I sad in the most positive way. Sadly, this is how the film ends for Randy the Ram, nine times out of ten. RIP Andrew Martin.

And now a word from our President....

2009-03-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

We’ve entered an odd era in the world. Economies are falling. Businesses are failing. Politicians are under [justified] scrutiny I’ve not seen in my lifetime. Warren Buffett has claimed this is the economic equivalent of Pearl Harbor. With Barry in charge I feel justified in saying we won’t go bombing a country full of brown people – I am however worried mi gentes in the Eastern bloc. In these times of crises, I present my personal professional sports state of the union. You know….to keep things in perspective…
I’m sick and tired of hearing about how great NASCAR races are. You can tell me about how sitting in the infield is just one giant party. There may be bee-hot-ches running around somewhere between topless to buck naked. At the base of all that, THEY’RE STILL FUCKING REDNECKS! I don’t like these people in my everyday life. Why would I like them stumbling around drunk watching a Honda driven car doing 2-bills making left turns for hours in the hot baking sun, burning rice so loud that I can’t hear myself getting drunk?
Hockey is another sporting event I could do without. I’ve been to a few games. It moves nice and fast. The guys slamming into the boards at mach-10 is pretty cool. Sitting behind the penalty box after a fight is splend-tacular. But Gary Bettman is a dick bag. They fucked up their product with too much expansion (see: franchises below the Manson-Nixon line). So they had to price out the Joe SixPacks (beer not abs) in order to stay afloat. That money dried up and their league damn near folded. I think moving a team from Winnipeg to Phoenix is the sports equivalent of what the Pilgrims did to the Natives…Sidebar – Fuck Wayne Gretzky’s winy little punk ass. Mario Lemieux is the greatest hockey player of all time. Sidebar to the sidebar – did you know that the Edmonton Oilers still exist? I didn’t know Edmonton still existed…
The NFL is in a unique position right now. They don’t have the steroid problem that the MLB has, though I’d say popular opinion is that an inordinate amount of players are juicing. They don’t have the financial problems that are looming over the NBA. They do however have a problem over public perception as it relates to player behavior, on and off field. Off the field, Pacman Jones marred the NBA All-Star Game in Vegas with his shenaniganz. Terrell Owens has left a trail of depleted franchises in his wake. Yet people were highly up in arms over the fact that Santonio Holmes wasn’t penalized after the game-winning TD catch in SB XLIII. The commissioner came out guns blazing like bank robbery in Heat. Fines the week after hits that weren’t penalized on Sunday. Troy Polamalu blasted the league and I think they threatened to make him cut his hair. They made the Roy Williams Rule after TO got hurt, but they haven’t made a Bernard Pollard Rule for diving at the QBs feet. Much as I hate Tom ‘the Goat’ Brady, it was a bullshit play and I’d be pissed if the same thing happened to B-Roe. But the league is chugging along, probably the league that stands to lose the least in these dire financial times.
I’ve put my thoughts on baseball in this space before. I’ll not rehash my extreme displeasure with our ‘national past time’ ‘here’ ‘again’. (I made it 550 words before it crept up on me.) I will share a new thought though this time around. The crack of the bat. The smell of the fresh cut grass. The peanut shells at my feet. Sitting in the outfield bleachers with the sun setting over the far side baseline blinding me. Day night double headers. For all the bullshit I hate about the game, I love going to see it live. There’s nothing like it. It’s my number two favorite to watch in person. Me and the Horsemen have got to do a tour of stadiums.
All of which brings me to my favorite sport, basketball. I love basketball on all levels. It’s so beautiful, the motion, the speed, the jaw dropping highlights. It’s so simple that you need only a rubber ball and a cylinder to play in the street. Nothing else. I’ve played in $20 sneakers, $150 limousines for the feet and work boots. At the professional level, the general consensus is that it’s not as complete a game as the college level. This is so true. The L is definitely full of guys who aren’t defensive stalwarts. They may lack in one aspect of the game or another. But they all score A++ on at least one end of the court. And the best players, Bron, Kobe, Wade, are proficient on both ends of the court. They spread the wealth and make the others around them better, except maybe Kobe – but his defense is legitimately the best in the league. Plus they’re all fast as shit. Watch these guys’ first steps. It’s no wonder people watching call for travelling all the time, the eye can’t necessarily keep up with the motion. The league is however going to feel the financial strain. Commissioner David Stern, best in pro sports, came out over All Star weekend and said the salary cap was going to shrink. I love that Zach Randolph trade more now than I did then. Rumor has it that Luxury boxes are going unused in certain arenas on certain nights. Think about it, season ticket monies were due before the financial crises was in full swing. It was a sunk coast for the 08-09 season, so why splurge on gas, parking, souvenirs and concessions? What does this mean for next year? Are we going to get to the point where teams start to fold? That’s some heavy shit right there. I’ve heard Pittsburgh popping up in discussions to take over a franchise, in addition to Kansas City. I’ll not speak for anything beyond the home of SIX Lombardi trophies, but I can’t see it happening. The city isn’t in good financial standing but there is the gaming money set to come rolling in. there will be a new arena for the local hockey franchise. The resurgence of Pitt basketball has helped spark a new love for the game in the city. But the city was home to the Pittsburgh Piranhas in 94. Granted, they played at the AJ Palumbo Center (home to the Duquesne University Dukes, BANG BANG!) which is a terrible place to watch anything. They did however go to the CBA Finals in the lone season of existence. That didn’t help because no one went to their games and the team folded. And they were good. So I won’t count the Burgh among possibilities to be the future home of the Memphis Grizzlies. In the end, I think my favorite league is going to have a lot to deal with in the coming seasons (CBA expiration looming). And I pray they don’t start taking teams overseas. But they might have to in order to keep from losing anyone of real substance to foreign franchises with deep pockets.
I know I’m a little long winded when it comes to Dr. Naismith’s creation, but I am passionate about it. Pro sports are fucked, top to bottom. NASCAR isn’t a real sport, but it’s watched by a lot of mother fuckers. Hockey is going to have problems not pricing out their main fan base. Baseball has a huge public perception problem. Basketball is going to have cash flow issues. Football is likely the most recession proof because damn near everyone loves it. But the fans will tire of idiotic antics and self made problems solved by midweek fines. I wish I could say that teams weren’t going to move or fold, but we’re headed that way. We’re going to end up watching Rollerball style death games on the BBC while the head of Dan Rather reads the news to us as a hologram in our living rooms.

The Problem of Public Parking

2009-03-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

I have to admit I think I waste more gas looking for parking than anything else. I don’t know exactly how long it took me last night to get a space. But I’m certain it was longer than necessary. I was doing lap after lap looking for 14 linear feet of space and couldn’t fucking find any. Really? An ’87 Honda Civic and there’s no room in Hoboken for it? Shenaniganz!
I blame this mainly on the inability of the general populace to Parallel Park. I know it’s part of the driving test, but the standards should be raised. You should be able to get a license without the ability to Parallel Park but I think your license should come with a caveat of some sort. You can’t do any city driving – unless you’re going to shell out the money for a garage.
And if you don’t want to dish the dough for the garage, you have to leave your car in neutral without your parking brake so I can nudge your car forward or backward to fit my little piece of shit in the space.
I’m not claiming to be a visionary with this idea. I heard about it from Hollywood when he was telling me about visiting his cousin in Queens in the 60s/70s. They used to do this in NYC. I thought this was the greatest thing I’d ever heard. How many times have you circled the block looking to drop your car in a space only to notice that some douche bag doesn’t understand the concept of pulling to the front of a space? That in my eyes is the most egregious error of street parking.
I remember when I was living back on Monroe, there was a guy with a nice vintage Mercedes coupe. He used to park in front of the building next to mine between two garage doors. It was the perfect spot for two small cars. Being that he had one, you think he’d be considerate enough to park so as someone else could fit ahead or behind him. No. that wasn’t in his plans. This cock monger would park directly between the two so only he could fit.
I understand the concept of wanting to preserve one’s bumper-al integrity, but if you’re going to drop coin on a nice classic car how about you spring for the $200/month for a garage/private space. And why is a dent your concern when someone would rather steal it than ding it – or what about getting side swiped by a drunk driver? I’m brimming with questions.
It’s funny how this and other societal injustices behoove me, yet I believe in an eye for an eye – I’ll crush your fucking skull for checking out my boy’s girl. Okay, maybe that’s not an eye for an eye…but I still maintain that we’ve reached rock bottom as a species when people can’t even be considerate enough to allow others to decommission their vehicles for a nocturne in a space centrally located to their domicile…

As Alex's Hip Turns

2009-03-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I’ve been checking in about this whole A-Roid saga and giving Alex a bunch of shit over the whole saga. Now that the dust has settled and the truths have been dished, I wanted to weigh back in. we now have the ‘facts’ and it’s ‘time’ to ‘dissect’ the future. [Fuck…]
The recovery time is somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-10 weeks. The discrepancy comes from the different parties. A-Rod’s brother [who has a different last name that’s not even Hispanic] said that it’s a 10-week recovery process. The Yankees have said 9 and the doctors have said as few as 6. He’s supposed to be back swinging in the box after 7 days. All this is moot though because this is a band-aid on a heart attack solution. The Sultan of Steroids is going to need another more intensive surgery in the fall. That surgery might keep him out of the 2009 opening day lineup as well. Whatever the deal is, I think there are some truths to be assessed and handed down. Who better to tell you the truth than Mr. NewFace himself? Without further ado…
There’s a guy by the name of Cody Ransom who’s going to step in a play third. I can’t claim to know how the line up is going to set out, but it’s interesting to think that they’ve added some depth in the outfield which means Godzirra doesn’t have to play the field everyday, which in turn means he can let his bat do the work [and not his knees, wow that was not supposed to be an oral sex joke]. So they’re *obviously* not going to replace the bat of Alex Rodriguez, but with some of the elder statesmen healthy and a [switch hitting] Mark Teixiera replacing Giambs, I tend to fall on the side that they can weather the storm of losing Alex. Especially when you look at the schedule….
Item number two, the first month of the season for the Yanks goes as follows – at Bal, KC, TB, home for Cle, Oak, at Bos and Det. Those are a lot of winnable games the Bombers have right off the top of the list. This could be a great time for Ransom and some of the others to get reps in a low impact setting. I can’t imagine them repeating last season’s early [and ultimately dooming] performance – not with that vegetarian’s row to start the year off.
I’m even dumb enough to think that they’ll start to struggle when A-Roid returns. They start off May with the Angels, Red Sox and Rays. I can envision that run ending 2-5 for when they hit the road to play Baltimore and Toronto. I’m a big fan of the Bill Simmons ‘Ewing Theory’. This Yankees teams reeks of that. he’s a huge contract that has become a big distraction with the Steroids Circus. Losing him hurts in the department of making Tex better, but with Matsui just DH’ing – the might be able to cover him enough to make the line up work.
As previously mentioned, A-Roid is going to need another surgery. Envisioning his May return [see above], I can also see a rough road in June/July. All of which leads me to believe that he’ll pack it in after they get swept at home by the Red Sox in early August. The will be too much. The NY media will be ripping A-Roid for not returning to his earlier career form. A sweep at home to the behated Beantown Marauders will be too much for him to come back from. He’ll decide right then that he needs the surgery right then and there, so that he can be back in time for Opening Day 2010. I’d love to say they’d continue to get better with him out of the lineup late in the season, but it might be too much of an uphill climb to make that late in the year. So my Ewing Theory might be too overmatched to work.
I must admit that it sounds kind of convoluted, but I think the Yanks will start hot without A-Roid. Then they’ll tail off he returns and the schedule gets tougher. He’ll bail in the dog days of August when they get swept by the BoSox. The Bombers will then have their work cut out for them to get into October. I’m not saying they won’t make the post season – I’m just skeptical. This goes a lot further than the Madonna-Ritchie homewrecker. I don’t think CC Sabathia will be the lefty at the top of the staff that Hank expects him to be. Ditto the middle relief. Any rate, here’s to another great summer of me bitching. Fuck Your Butt Alex Rodriguez!

Cases and Cakes

2009-03-08T07:22:00.001-07:00

The thing I missed most about house parties has been the rampant smell of stale beer. I awoke this morning at 5am to the sound of some jackass making love to his car horn. Thank God I was able to get back to my sound slumber. Next thing I know my clock is reading 8am and the cellie says it’s 9. I was slightly confused, then I remember today was spring ahead. I ‘lost’ an ‘hour’ of ‘sleep’. [DAMNIT! Do they have a 12-step to fix that or what?]
So I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was a success. I’m not hungover this morning. I know it sounds a little odd, but it’s because I was hungover as shit at 11o’clock last night. I ended up laying here on the couch last night watching SNL when Barnes called me to check in. Kid Ireland couldn’t make it up this weekend, but he’ll be here NEXT weekend – when coincidentally it will actually be St. Patty’s Day. So I have that to look forward to, which is nice...
I really wanted to come out here and note however that ALL of my predictions were wrong. My peoples of course got caught up here or there so we didn’t really get to catch up. Add that to the fact that I wasn’t about to go and spend my money on a $30 cover then a fucking bar tab. And we really weren’t going to see each other.
The day started as any day does. I woke up, mixed some pancake batter and had a beer. We had our first car bomb at 10:30 and it just went from there. By noon, I was hanging out the window yelling for women to bare their breasts, cursing out some assholes in Red Sox gear and making friends from two stories up. The parade started and I watched the Pitt game. I had no desire to watch the bands pass by. I was content to hear the bag pipes while watching the Panthers weather the second half surge of the Huskies and still come out on top.
Then came the shit show. We started playing cards. You know me, I run shit when it comes to cards. So I was doing my normal schtick, cracking jokes, dealing, telling the rules as we went along. And it came to my attention after the fact that I was scaring the normals. I guess I can be intimidating – who knew? I held on a little too long while playing fuck the dealer and I went through the entire deck. Next thing I know I’m sitting here still with my sunglasses on and some girl’s scarf, claiming to be the lost Jonas brother.
I think I can honestly say a good time was had by all. The party dwindled. The drama kicked in – on multiple fronts. And it was mainly the regulars chilling around the crib. We ordered some Benny’s and sat around waiting for it, when Abel dropped in. The food eventually came and we supped on some half warm Italian cuisine. Some of the boys were heading out to our favorite dive, they invited me. But that was it for me. I was way too hungover to go be a functional member of a drunken society. So I laid on the couch, traded some texts, took some phone calls and watched half of SNL. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have an Activia to keep me regular…
As an aside, I’ve recently discovered Hulu. I generally watch SNL clips, especially Lonely Island shorts. This morning I saw they have Rocky III in its entirety. I’ve never seen it all the way through. I just wanted to note that I think Hulk did more wrestling moves in that movie than he’s ever done in real life. And I still hate Talia Shire. And Gretchen Mol.

My Berfday+Jesus Berfday+Potatoes Berfday = Today

2009-03-07T06:17:00.001-08:00

For those of you who don't know - and judging by my readership, it's not a lot - today is the Hoboken Day Parade. It's a faux St Patty's Day for all you micks and us non potato eating clowns. I for one am certain that today is just going to be another in a long line of what 'I' like to 'call' a 'shitshow'. [Damnit, I thought I had that under control.]
So the other day I looked at the roommie and told her, 'No matter what I say, don't let me start a fire.' [There is a fire place in here, I'm not just going to have a barrel fire in the middle of the apt...] Well last night as we're cleaning I have an epiphany and shout 'OOOOOOOH, let's make a fire!' And she proceeds to tell me that I already told her NOT to let me do that. I didn't even wait til I was drunk to have a bad idea this time...With that in mind I'd like to make a few more for the day.
~One of the people I invited here will break something. [Who am I kidding? It's going to be me...]
~I know a person who will attempt to urinate on my clothes again. [Assuming he's here later]
~I will again attempt to get a fire in the fire place.
~I'll break a dining room chair.
~If there just so happens to be a 17 y.o. girl in the vicinity, I will unknowingly strike up a conversation with her. Then I'll be royally disappointed when I realize it and make the decision to talk to her over the course of the next few months or just let it go.
~The fucking toilet is going to ruin us. I might as well just throw on my Mario overalls now cuz I'm going to be dealing with that shit alllllll day.
~We're going to run out. We sat here last night and couldn't think of who all would possibly be here. So we're going to end up with like 100 people and be the place to be.
~We're going to bring up random be-hot-ches from the street.
~Someone I don't care to see today is going to call me to see what I'm doing - maybe wanna hang out. I'll give in. Cuz I'm a masochist.
~My plan is to pass out by 3PM. Up at 8PM. Late night movie - 2 or 3AM. But I know I'm going to make it to like 7 and that'll be my night. Then I'll miss out on the late night debauchery.
~EVERYONE involved with the shoot tomorrow is going to be really banged up.
~I'm going to forget that Morty is at the Pitt-UConn game. Even though it's only two hours from now.
~Someone is going lock themselves in the bathroom and pass out on the floor.
I think that's enough for now. I wish I could make prop bets for the day....I'd get rich off this shit. I'ma go make green pancakes and crack a beer. ONE.

Mr. Redicc

2009-03-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

I put up a news segment the other day. There was a lot of feedback that came to me on it. I sent it out to just about everyone I know because I was *finally* comfortable with the quality we came out with. I don’t mean to bash the first two or the hard work of others. But it’s going to be an evolving process. I’m doing this thing off the top of my head. I’m going to find my humor again. I’m going to start dropping my quotables again. it’s all going to fall into place, then Lorne Michaels is going to see it and know that he HAS to have me on SNL.
I digress because 99% of that paragraph is true [I’ll let you figure out the 1% - you’re (relatively) smart]. But it’s been a good part of getting myself back on track. I’ve been able to reach back to a part of my past that was positive and a good outlet. Now I’m doing it on a larger scale. More people can/will watch it [hopefully].
But it got me to thinking. The first two editions were tough to watch because it was like a live audition. I was trying out my jokes, like I said I’m still finding my voice. Then I made a stereotypical racially motivated joke about two young black men lost at sea. And it just cracked me the fuck up. I haven’t been outlandish in a long fucking time. Then we were at the bar last night and I was making a total ass out of myself. Making fun of people I didn’t know, we had rotating groups of people around us while we played darts, the boys getting them 412s – it was a good night.
NowI wake up this morming and I’m going to be getting ready for tomorrow’s parade party activities, but I decided to navigate the interweb real quick and I read an SG mailbag and I was scouring YouTube for some music. One search leads to another and I found my way to the new Eminem song. He introduces himself with a record 17 rapes, 400 assaults and 4 murders. And I realized that I’m not alone. Dude’s been out the game for a couple years now – not to say that he fell off but he just wasn’t there.
I used to catch shit from the boys because of my affinity to hip hop and Eminem. I never wanted to lump myself in with him. I always denied that he’s my favorite rapper. And I can’t in good faith say he’s not. I usually give an answer like BIG or Jay, but I think it might really be ‘Kast. But Marshall Bruce Mathers III had a profound effect on me. Dude’s the Frank Zappa of rap. Just crazy outlandish shit came from his music. And it inspired me. Always has. I’ve always been one to say ridiculous shit. Most people looked at me like I was out my mind. Chances are they’re right. But there has to be someone you point to as saying the shit you don’t.
For me that was Eminem. I’ve never made a record about killing a former significant other. But I told a girl last night that I drove a windowless van that I parked out back and asked if she’d like to join me. [I swear to God there was a context for it, but I’d rather leave you shaking your head.] Later I told her I’d fight any woman no matter how short or thin she may be. So yea, Mr. Redicc is making a comeback. Here’s to hoping he eliminates Mr. Drinkswaaaaaaytoomuch. But I think the two go hand in handcuffed mother fucking hand. Fuck your butt, Alex Rodriguez!

FUBAR

2009-03-05T14:12:00.001-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows a couple things about me. I love basketball, the Steelers, Miller Lite, WWE, tequila. I hate whitey, country music, republicanism and baseball. Well, hate might be too strong a word for how I feel because I do enjoy going to a game with my peeps [Instant Classic is back!]. But overall, I hate baseball because it’s so fucking long. It’s untimed. Pitchers should never [E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ver] swing a bat. The AL is far superior. And Cal Ripken’s streak is not as impressive as Brett Favre’s.
I know you’ve heard this rant before, I’m sorry to rehash. But Alex Rodriquez really got me going. First the whole steroid thing and he throws his cousin under the bus. Then he had the balls to be seen around Fla with Cousin Balky after a game. Now he’s got the hip injury and pending surgery. We learn from skipper Joe [Don’t get too excited my last name is different] Girardi that A-Roid had a hip problem last season. I guess he couldn’t get this procedure done over the winter break because he was too busy receiving lip purpling treatments.
The latest thing I want to talk about with him though are his comments to the NY Post. Really, Alex? Really? You’d rather have Jose Reyes in your lineup? I suppose the four rings that DJ won BEFORE you got there are meaningless? A-Job corrected himself to say that he meant it as a compliment to Reyes for being a good young ballplayer. But did he really think it was a good idea to tout the crosstowner over Mr. November? [Not Duane Zackimore.]
I think I’m going to start a campaign to get Blow-Job to give back some of his ill gotten monies. I’ll start a spacebook group called FUBAR. I’ll write letters to the Yankees new office in Downtown Hell. I’ll show up for BP sessions when I don’t have a ticket and hang out at the player’s entrance just to harass him. I’ll go buy a game worn Jeter jersey and run up to Alex and give him a hug, hoping that something good will rub off on him – that or it’ll linger too long and fire one off unintentionally. And maybe I’ll even get some of that Jeter mojo and girls will like me. [Smell that? You call it success. I call it reaping the benefits of another man’s hard work.]
I know you’re thinking to yourself, Mr. Yasko, Mr. Yasko, how will you be able to do all this charitable work and still hold down a steady job? Not to fear, I am unemployable. And seeing how as I’ll be donating my time for this, I can still collect unemployment to pay the bills. Therefore I’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to my newest noble cause – FUCK YOUR BUTT, ALEX RODRIGUEZ!

Me Fail English?

2009-03-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

I laid out my predictions recently, thinking they would realign the brands BEFORE the Super Bowl of wrestling. I am quite so misinformed. For some reason I thought the WWE 09 Draft was going to take place this past Monday. Upon further review, they're going to hold the draft on April 13, 2009 - two Mondays after WrestleMania 25. I guess they're having and 'interpromotional' main event as a way to 'get the band back together'. [Oh no, there I 'go' again...] How can you have a WM main event that isn't called by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler? They're still hands down the best duo in the biz - granted there isn't much competion because Mike Tenay is too much of a smarmy little cunt. [Where is the Living Legend Larry Zbyszko?] You gotta have JR shouting, "My God! My God!" as Hunter goes for the double under hook. And the King taking the side of Randy, touting the pitfalls of suffering from explosive anger disorder [or whatever the hell it's called]. I don't want to get ahead of myself with a WM preview now...I'll be back with that when more of the matches are announced. I just wanted to correct my error.

Happy Hundy!

2009-02-26T15:05:00.000-08:00

So I managed to let my 100th post pass without any marking of the monument. Well here we are to celebrate my 105th post, with my 106th…IDK if it makes sense but I certainly don’t care. It allows me a clip show of sorts to sift through some random thoughts.
I got into this after Barnes – I know I’m a biter – it was a means for me to keep writing while not having to write scripts. It was to be an outlet and I think it has been that for me. It all started when I was working shitty fucking night shifts last April. I was putting my randomness into cyberspace in the hopes of garnering an audience. Seeing how as I’m still here, I haven’t made it to the New Yorker or even the Onion…
I digress as I love writing for you guys. And when I say you guys, I know my readership predominantly consists of Barnes and Miggy. Pops doesn’t always get to read it, ditto DJ and the Former. I wish I could say more people read it but I just don’t have that many friends.
This here blog has seen the best of times and the worst of times. It was there for the Rockets giant winning streak last year. It was also there when Ric Flair retired. When I was working 14 hours a day last summer and neglecting you guys. And again at the end of this year when I had more free time and now that I’m single.
Now I have my own YouTube channel and I think I have the same people watching that as reading this – well maybe more, at least I hope. Here’s to the people who actually read this, thanks for passing by my corner in cyberspace. As I continue to send out my resume for auditions and any acting work I can get, I’ll continue to hone my writing skills here as much as I can. Finally, proof that I’m not illiterate…

WWE Draft 09

2009-02-26T05:47:00.001-08:00

I have to admit that I love what the WWE appears to be doing right now. They’re ramping up for WrestleMania 25 and they don’t have a PPV between No Way Out and the Big One. So they’ve got over a month to get their story lines in order. AND they have the draft between now and then.
That’s always makes for an interesting night. I think this year will be even more so. With this whole Orton Explosive Anger Disorder, they’ve created a monster that goes beyond anything VKM has ever done. Now they’ve had him attacking the McChildren, one of which is Mrs. Triple H. At NWO they conveniently put the WWE strap on him and swerved us with Edge winning the Raw match.
I loved the swerve, I never saw it coming. And they’ve put themselves in position to do some fun things with it. First, you have to deal with Randy and his out of control group. Ideally, you’d put that one on John Cena – top heel vs. top face, it’s been the backbone of every WM…EVER. But with Rando attacking Hunter’s wife, you can elevate the Game to that level over Cena. And you can’t have a WM following a good swerve without some type of rematch, so naturally Cena vs. Edge makes sense. Problem is, the guys aren’t all on the right rosters to make it work.
I give you your 2009 WWE Draft. I see that they’re still trying to capture the newness of SmackDown! on the new network – IDK which one it is all I know is two merged and two more came out with new names. They’ve had the Game there for a year and he’s run the gamut, but it’s time to infuse some new blood for the kids who watch it. And who do the kids love more than John Cena? No one I can think of. So you draft Cena to SD and bring Edge back since he’s got the World strap. Then you draft HHH back to Raw with the WWE strap and the world is right again. Who doesn’t want to see WM end with Cena-Edge and HHH-Orton?
Then there’s Batista, who’s been on the shelf recuperating from surgery for the better part of the year. I don’t think it matters where he was, he’ll come back to the WWE strong and you can do a lot with him. I think just for the heat, he comes back to SD! I think it makes the most sense because he can play either side of the fence. You can bring him back as a face and help Cena, then turn him and start a program – or vice versa. Then you can bring him over to Raw in a few months and insert him into an ongoing Orton-Helmsley feud, though I see no harm in bringing him back to Monday nights immediately. I think if he’s anywhere near healthy, he shows up at WrestleMania. He doesn’t have to do a lot but I think just being Batista and over will put the show that much more over. (As an aside, the face-heel turn also works in the Raw scenario. He shows up to help Hunter just because he doesn’t want to fight Orton and Legacy for the strap, then turns so he’s one on one. I’m just spitballin’ here.)
I can’t figure out what they’re doing with the Undertaker. The kids love him and he’s kind of an island unto himself. He’s been over for as long as I can remember, he’s never needed a strap, just another mountain to climb. His career has to be nearing the end. VKM owes him for his years of service and minimal title reigns. Taker deserves one last run with the strap on the A show. They could definitely find feuds for him over the next year on Raw. I’m just excited at the thought of him back on Monday nights. I don’t get to see enough of him. Just sitting there hearing the bell still gives me goose bumps. I’d love to watch his last run on Monday nights.
Jericho is another wild card in the draft. I don’t know where he’s going but I think it will impact his WM opponent. Maybe. I’m still holding out hope that he’s going to fight Stone Cold at the Super Bowl of wrestling. They’ve been reporting that Austin has been training but not for a match. I don’t buy it. Like I said, maybe it’s just hope. But it makes sense, he’s going into the HoF that weekend, it’s in Texas, he’s from Texas and he’s in good hands with Jericho. I’ve always thought that Y2J was one of the best workers around. He rarely has a bad match, he can carry anyone through a match. And Austin certainly doesn’t need a lot of carry, but I can’t imagine Steve agreeing to ‘one last match’ with someone like Batista or Cena.
As always, I have no clue what’s going to happen. I’m just coming off the top of my head for things I’d like to see – my version of the current WWE universe. I’ll check back in once the WM25 card is set with my predictions. You know me, I’m never shy…

As the Star Turns...

2009-02-25T06:32:00.001-08:00

I finally got around to posting my NBA trade deadline, almost a week later. But fuck you I got around to it. I was in the Burgh for the weekend. I was going to stay just for Thursday and Friday then back up on Saturday for some shit. But I ended up staying til Monday. I caught Big Mike’s game on Saturday. It was senior day and I think seeing the Ski contingency sitting behind the hoop gave him a little fright. Then Monday we were up at State College for Chee Chee’s conference finals. The Lady Lions came up a lil short. They only had the 6 girl roster. But they left everything they had on the court at the Bryce Jordan Center. And lil sis killed that shit.
Getting back to the matter at hand…the NBA [finally] got around to giving me and Barnes something to discuss. Stephon Marbury was bought out Tuesday by the New York Knicks. Thus begins the great Starbury Sweepstakes of ’09. Rumor has it he’s going to end up with the Celtics. That rumor has been going since D’Antoni arrived on 8th Ave. There are two other teams popping up as possible destinations for Steph, Miami and Dallas. I feel like we’ve done the Steph-Dallas thing before, upon further review, Steph never landed in Texas before.
I can’t believe that Miami would want to bring in Steph. They just got rid of the cancer known as the Matrix. Now they want to bring in Marbury. That’s the final straw that could break that locker room. How will someone like that fit in with the youngsters there? There’s no one to keep him under wraps. D-Wade has to do too much on the court in order to keep Miami in that fifth slot.
Dallas is currently seated in that 8th spot out west, meaning they’re likely just fodder for the Lake-Show. They don’t have the horses to make a move upwards in the West. I also can’t believe that they have a strong enough room to keep him under wraps. The big German isn’t going to over power the kid from Coney. Kidd, Howard, Stacks, Jet – which one of them is going to keep Starbury happy? And if they continue to sit in 8th, it certainly won’t last long.
All of which brings us to Bean-town. The C’s are sitting in 1st in the East. The Cavs are breathing down their necks and the (likely hapless) Magic are not too far behind. Winning potentiality? Check. Strong leadership in the room? Check. Players coach who lets his guys play? Check. And there’s my personal favorite aspect to the whole thing. Steph and KG meeting again for the first time in a long time. I finally get to use my Boogie Nights connection for something…Marbury will come back to KG a la Dirk Diggler and Jack Horner. Steph crying just saying, I’m sorry over and over. In this scenario, Mike D’Antoni is the Colonel, Rajon Rondo is Buck Swope, Sebatsian Telfair is Reed Rothchild, Doc Rivers is Little Bill and Glen Davis is Scotty J.
So enjoy the imagery of Glen Davis offering to fellate Stephon Marbury. The ride with Steph will continue to be enjoyable. I only hope that the Cs do right by the family and bring Bassy back into the fray. Even if it’s just to sit at the end of the bench in his Brock attire cheering on Steph. I can’t wait to see Steph in Celtic Green – it should be a good run…

Trade Round Up

2009-02-25T05:06:00.001-08:00

I realize I went through the NBA injuries in and around the trade deadline, but I neglected to mention the trades that were actually made. So without further ado...
Quote of the Day: ‘There is a very small corner place in hell behind Hitler’s ass for those people. You know how I feel about Hell.’ That was said by pops about the New York Knicks. We were discussing the Larry Hughes trade and he couldn’t understand why they’d bring in another head case. I reiterated the Free Agent class of 2010 and that all these contract come off the books for that summer. It wasn’t a good enough excuse for him. He then asked how much a courtside seat costs for the Garden and when the last time was that the Knicks played to a crowd of fewer than 10K. I responded $3,500 and not recently. So we now know how Pops feels about your 2008-2009 New York Knicks.
Moving on, the Knicks also picked up Chris Wilcox. He’s another expiring deal and an upgrade over Malik Rose. Not much else to say except that Wilcox doesn’t really fit the bill for a Mike D’Antoni offense. Which is not to say that Rose was the prototype. I wonder if we’re going to see all kinds of crazy deals in the next 12-16 by the Knicks? Will they just look at anyone with an expiring deal and say, ‘let’s do it’? I’m interested to see who else that comes off the books they decide to take on.
Our favorite Touch of the Downs center (and Candace Parker baby daddy, Shelden Williams) and Bobby ‘Not-the-one-married-to-Whitney’ Brown were traded from Sacto to Minnie. They were swapped for Rashad McCants and Calvin Booth. Could there possibly have been a more meaningless trade? Williams was a top-5 pick in 2006 and he’s been traded twice. And McCants was on that first Roy ‘Fuck’ Williams championship UNC team that immediately disbanded. How has that worked out Rashad, Sean, Raymond and Marvin? I can’t be the only one shocked that Marvin Williams was the first draft pick from that team, can I? Wasn’t he touted as the next-MJ? They must have meant Mike James…no that’s mean. Mike James has contributed to some winning clubs.
All of which brings me to my favorite deadline day deal. Maybe this year wasn’t fraught with All-Stars and future HoF’ers changing 90210s at the last minute, but Orlando made the most noise by making the right move. Picking up Skip aka Rafer Alston, they got a point guard for the stretch run. He’s certainly not Jameer Nelson, but check their numbers on ESPN.com. they have similar career assist numbers. Skip knows he’s being brought in not to be the Man but to be a man and distribute the rock. He’ll get his – and if he lets it come in the flow of offense, even better. In spite of all that, Orlando is still third best in the East – unless the unthinkable/unspeakable were to happen in the Mistake by the Lake or Paul Pierce starts seeing knives as he’s leaving night clubs again. I’m glad to see Skip get a shot at a chip run in the L though.
Overall I give the NBAs trade deadline a solid C+. Really? David Stern couldn’t muster one ridiculous trade a la Pau Gasol to LA for Kwame Brown and the guy who sits next to Jack at every home game and you know is the one holding the weed? He couldn’t force Iverson out of Detroit for SamIAm. Just the thought of the last real ---- alive playing in the most racist city in the North…I’m speechless. Step your game up, NBA GMs – how dare you all play it safe and make moves only to enhance your rosters (thereby leaving Barnes and I with only normal hoops to talk about).

My Subconscious

2009-02-22T06:36:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting dream last night. See, right now I’m in the Burgh for a long weekend – though I suppose everything has been a long weekend since November. My sister had a playoff game Friday night, then I rearranged my schedule for Saturday and Sunday so I could stay and get a few days away. With all that’s been going on, I figured I could use some time away. And it’s been fairly therapeutic, though I’ve seen so many things around here that have reminded me of her. But I digress, back to the dream.
Last night before I went to bed, I spoke briefly to Robbs about hanging out in the near future. When I awoke this morning, I remembered having a dream about my high school reunion. It was funny cuz I think we were at someone’s house. I was chilling mainly in the living room. It was JUST like high school. the cool kids were over there and I was chilling with the band kids. They were cool, but they were talking about the most ridiculous shit. I was feeling horrible about myself, per my usual, then they started handing out these awards. I won for best smile, best eyes and some other petty shit.
All of a sudden, all these girls were coming up and taking a photo with me. They were talking about how they couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t sell out my old friends now that I was famous. And that’s when I realized I was Dylan Edgar, semi-famous actor, in this scenario. And I still talked to the band kids whose idea of a wild Friday night was drinking regular Pepsi, not caffeine free diet Pepsi.
I woke up this morning feeling good that the ‘cool kids’ wanted to kiss my ass. Now I think about it, I feel like a dick. On one hand I was true to who I was. I was talking to the not so cool kids. On the other hand I wasn’t happy doing it. Maybe that just means, I have different interests and I’m an okay human being. Or maybe I am a complete dick. Then I remembered that I hated High School. I never gave a fuck about going to a reunion and I don’t now. I still feel weird when I see kids I went to high school with. I still feel like I have something to prove to them. I feel the need to show them that I’m better than they are. I live in here, I do this, I do that. God I love insecurities. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my noose.

NBA Pains

2009-02-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

The hours around the NBAs trade deadline were none too kind. Tracy McGrady came forth about needing knee surgery, precluding the Rockets from moving him. Amare Stoudamire had his eye nearly poked out, ultimately needing surgery. Kevin Garnett tweaked his knee in a contactless injury. And Manu Ginobli has ANOTHER ankle injury. I don’t know which one hurts worse, but let’s break it down Dr. Jack-style…
T-Mac had only played in 35 games this year, as the Houston Rockets were underachieving – AGAIN. Houston’s front office brought in one of our favorites, Ron Artest, to bolster their lineup. It seems that tandems (IE Jordan/Pippen and Shaq/Kobe) are out and trios are in (IE Kobe/Gasol/LO and Pierce/RayRay/Big Ticket). RonRon was to be the third man along with Tracy and Yao. Things just haven’t worked out for Houston in the Tracy McGrady era and this microfracture surgery is just another in a line of maladies for the franchise, let alone T-Mac. And let’s not forget, this isn’t a young Amare – someone young enough to bounce back from that kind of surgery and go on to a long fruitful (maybe) career. This is more like C-Webb. Good luck with that Rocket fans…
Amare came into this season with an eye and was sporting the recto-specs. (As an aside, whatever happened to the Kurt Rambis glasses? Those were the shit. I think that all basketball players who don’t wear contacts should have to rock them. Granted, that would have made some of my middle years more awkward – wait, impossible…I digress) He stopped wearing them because they weren’t comfortable. It might have required him to get a new nickname. Standing Tall and Bespectacled – STAB. Don’t get too close to Paul Pierce though. Can this guy catch a break? There’s so much to talk about – the numerous high schools, the beef with the Matrix, the knee in 05, the eye in November and now this. I suppose he’ll just bounce back. And let’s consider something else, if the Suns can find themselves in the West’s top-8, they can have Amare back and well rested. I thought this could turn out well if they leaned on Shaq at certain moments and brought in a Dikembe-like big, then I saw Deke on Houston’s bench the other day and knew that it was happening. I don’t think they’ll be able to bounce back from this to even have the chance to blow a first round playoff matchup.
Manu Ginobli has worse ankles than Bill Walton and Arvydas Sabonis. (You have no clue how long I’ve been wanting to work in an Arvydas Sabonis reference.) Dude keeps going down with a bad wheel. He didn’t play until Thanksgiving this season. He hurt himself in the Olympics this summer when it seems NO ONE from that Spurs organization wanted him out there. But how can you argue with him? The Argentinian just goes out and wins (minus last August and every other June). The downside to this is that only 6 games separate them from second place (where they currently sit) and Phoenix (sitting home if the playoffs started today). The upside is that they know how to win. I watched Matt Fucking Bonner light it up the other night. (Really? Is that what’s hot in the streets? Next thing you know, Mike Miller will be on a contender.) So I think the Spurs can weather this as long as they don’t slip to the 4. I don’t think this San Antone team can take on the Lake-Show before the Conf finals and survive.
All of which brings us to the Big Ticket and the Boston Celtics aka the Defending Champs. This is an interesting time for Gang Green. (Fuck you Jets fans. I’m looking at you, Barnes.) They have Leon Powe backing up KG with Brian Scalabrine behind him. Powe proved his mettle last year. Dude can get out there and ball. Granted, he’s no Garnett, but this is the time to see what exactly he’s made of. A Doc Rivers team goes so deep anyways that it’s just a matter of playing a little more and in different spots, but he should be used to getting out there and playing. The true X Factor in all this has got to be Glen Davis. Big Baby has yet to reach the ‘potential’ he ‘displayed’ in ‘college’. (Wait, I don’t mean to imply he wasn’t actually in college. Damn my overzealous affinity for ‘air quotes’.) But GBBD hasn’t done shit yet, even as a 6-9 center you’d think you could get a little more out of him. Well let’s see GBBD slide to the 4 a little bit. Let’s see him line up next to Kendrick Perkins. That would create a whole nother new look for the Cs. They could slide Pierce to the 4 and bring in House or Allen at another guard spot. There appear to be some options here. They also have the ‘easiest’ ‘road’ to the conference finals of the four aforementioned teams. They’re already in 1st in the East and I can’t imagine they’d slide further than 3rd, meaning they still wouldn’t face Cleveland or Orlando until the Conference finals. Though under that scenario they’d then play game 7 on the road – if that’s Cleveland, good night sleep tight.
So there you have it. I think the Cs have the wildest road to hoe with their injury, but I also feel they’re in the best position to survive. Now, Cs fans you’re season ‘potentially’ ‘rests’ on the shoulders of ‘Glen Davis’. (Damnit, he’s not fake…this is getting out of hand.)

The Bronx Finest

2009-02-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

I’ve never been a huge fan of Alex Rogriquez. I was always of the mindset that he was overpaid. He’s the kid you played little league with that hit a home run in the last inning when the team was up 5-2 and everyone told him he was clutch – he comes through in the latter innings. By all accounts, he’s a baseball freak. Derek Jeter is the playboy, linked to the models and beauty pageant contestants. Alex was the type to play a day game then go home and watch the footage.
He reminds me of a has-it-together Todd Marinovich. He’s a machine. He’s been doing this for years. He seemingly doesn’t know how to do anything else. Things were going swimmingly for him in Seattle. He was a big fish in a small pond. Not much was ever expected of him. Then came the contract. Who can play under the weight of a 10-year, $250M contract? Again he was in a no pressure situation. It was an NBA-style catch-22. He was paid the big bucks and expected to lead the Rangers to success. When they didn’t win he could point to the fact that there wasn’t enough talent around him. Baseball is a team game that relies on individuals. You need to have a strong staff with a good bullpen and bats to back those pitchers up. But with so much money tied up in one guy who could put up big number [legit or otherwise], how can you put any type of support around him?
Then came the deal to NY. A-Rod was going to lace ‘em up in the house that Ruth built. He was going to be the second coming. He was going to lead them back to the promised land. He would put up the gawdy numbers and the Steinbrenner’s could afford him AND put a team around him. Then the calendar would flip over to October and Alex shrunk faster than a phallus in a polar bear dive.
Last year, he opted out of his deal. as a Yankee fan, I was ecstatic when Hank said they wouldn’t accept Alex back after what he’d done. Thank god. Take that money and rebuild. Let Giambi and Abreu walk. Start anew with chemistry guys with solid bats in their place. Then beef up the pitching staff. Of course they resigned him when given the opportunity. Why wouldn’t they? Hank is so full of shit…
Now, the real A-Fraud has stood up. His steroid use has come to light. They’re saying a known juice dealer travelled along the Yankees schedule, staying in opposite hotels meeting with A-Roid in his free time. I’m glad we got to this place. I’m of the mindset that these guys should be strung up by their naughty bits. The teams should be off the hook for their contracts. Then again, half the time I get the idea the teams knew – somehow. I’m not outright accusing the Yanks of knowing that A-Rod was juiced up, especially since his positive happened when he was under contract with the Rangers. What I will say is that SOMEONE had to notice that a guy who was banned from ballparks just happened to be on the same schedule as the Bombers the past couple years and would meet with Alex from time to time. Scoop Jackson had a great point this morning – where was the media in this? I gotta agree. How does the NY media let that go by them unnoticed?
I could go on about this. I think there are so many guilty parties in this. Bud Selig used McGwire and Sosa to get his league back online. The Bonds saga is a total clusterfuck. Now Rodriguez and his shady cousin. They had ‘Boli’ (???) which no one can even pinpoint its availability in DR at the time. I think the MLB needs to do this – ban Alex for a finite amount of time. Wipe his contract off the books. Fine the Yanks and Rangers for not monitoring their players more closely. Please, (PLEASE!) tell us who the other 104 positive tests are. Let’s please move on from the witch hunt that is the steroid issue in pro baseball and try to start over fresh.

My Masculinity

2009-02-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

I know that as a man I’m supposed to be strong and emotionless. But that’s not me. It never was. When I played ball I left it all out there. When I was little, I took insults and ball breaking to heart. It wasn’t until I learned to snap back that I felt some sort of retribution. I could one up you. I suppose I didn’t mind a good slight, as long as I had another one ready right behind it to hit you up with.
I think that’s what hurts me so much about this whole Heartbreak thing now. I have no follow up. Believe me I could black out on her and just be mean and cruel. I’m sure I could make her cry. I could throw everything back in her face. I just don’t want to. She doesn’t deserve that.
I suppose I feel just as much that this is my fault. I know that there’s no blame but I can’t help thinking back through our history. She chased me all that time. Now she needs time for herself. She stayed all those nights with me when it might have been better for her to go home and wake up for school the next morning in her own bed. Now I go to bed alone every night, wishing I had let her go just one more night that I could add on now. I was such a dick to her, wholly unnecessarily, for three years when I was afraid of my emotions. Then I gave them all to her, all of me was hers.
At the end of the day it feels like I did it to myself. I took this beautiful pure creature. This perfect being. Who gave so much of herself for me, for the hope that was us. And I toyed with it for all that time. Now it feels like she’s doing the same thing.
I know there’s no malice – at least I hope there’s none. I don’t think she’s sitting there twisting her mustache, cackling as she sits in her craggy mountain top castle. They say you reap what you sow. Well, I’m now reaping the bad times I thrust upon her. I know I can get through this, without her, I just don’t want to…

MY Steelers

2009-02-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

I’m still trying to wrap my head about Pittsburgh Steelers, six time Super Bowl Champions. It seems amazing. I look at it and I’m half way to what Pops got from ‘his team’. Not to say that I don’t consider this to be his team. He sits there every week to watch same as I do. It’s just that this is a whole other generation of players. This is my generation of players.
It’s funny too because growing up everything was about how great those Steelers were. When the black-n-gold bead the SheHawks all anyone said was how the ref’s gave them that game. How about you tackle Willie before he rips off a 75-yarder? Go back and watch that game footage, there were holding calls missed in both directions. So if you wanted a properly called game where it was perpetually 1st and 35, you can have it. I’m happy with the way it panned out.
This year’s Steeler team was faced with the toughest schedule, all time. [At least modern era, I might be blowing this out of proportion somewhat.] I remember back in August/September telling Fly I thought we were good for a 9 win season, 10 at most. Look at that midseason run. Just a murderer’s row of teams. How was anyone to know that I attempted as many passes as Palmer this year? Who knew the Chargers wouldn’t decide to play for Norv until November? Who knew Dallas was going to implode? Who knew that Tom Brady was going to get undercut in week one? [Conversely who knew Matt Cassell had an 11-win season in him?]
The wins just kept piling up. Every week another challenge came. It seemed like every week they took it on. They never lost back to back. After Manning took them apart, they came right back and dispatched the Chargers.
I’m well aware of the arguments presented to this current team. They didn’t have to face the Titans, Colts or Pats in January. Duly noted, but NE couldn’t beat the team that BLEW the division lead. The Colts and Titans lost to teams that couldn’t beat us the next week. Yes, the Colts go screwed by the system in having to travel to an 8-win team. But that is the system. At least it’s not the BCS – I’m sure the Pats would still have won somehow…
The NFC was equally messed up. The Cardinals – the ARIZONA CARDINALS were the conference representative in the Super Bowl. So they didn’t have to play the Giants, but the beat the team that finished second to the Giants. And the Giants couldn’t hold court at home. [Funny how this whole Plaxico thing has played out. I’m glad that he’s no longer a Steeler, but I have to wonder if this incident goes down anywhere but NYC.]
This all led to the most storied franchise of the Super Bowl era versus the laughingstockingest franchise of the Super Bowl era. This was David versus Goliath. Not just David, but David who everyone said was the weakest team to ever play for a Super Bowl. So here I am, a young man trying to identify with a team that I have cognizantly followed since 1989. And the media coverage was funny. Sunday night, Conference Championship week, everything was about how this would be a Steelers game. It continued that way as the bye weekend approached. Then when both teams touched down and it was shown that both coaches had the reigns on their respective teams, and there wouldn’t be a Eugene Robinson, new stories needed to be manufactured.
The media started saying how, with a few breaks the Cards could win the game. I remember hearing that in the Divisional Round. ‘Scifres is a great punter and was the difference last week. The Steelers are on their third punter this season.’ Santonio then promptly returns the first punt for 6. The next week was all about ‘Flacco isn’t a rookie anymore. He’s done it twice on the road in the playoffs. Anything is possible.’ And, ‘Ed Reed is the best safety in the game. He does it all so well.’
I’ll grant that Flacco won on the road the first two weeks, but it was Miami and Tennessee. Miami’s nice weather negates any home field. And the Titans fans will turn on that team so fast there’s barely any home field advantage. Which brings up the next point, Ed Reed versus Troy Polamalu. Ed Reed was a non factor, mainly because B-Roe looked him off and threw away from him at every turn. Troy was everywhere. Ed can turn a game on an INT [usually a TAINT] or fumble [which will sometimes go for 6]. Troy turns a game with his tackling [rendered moot in the Super Bowl because he was 20-yards deep in coverage, a necessity to negate Boldin/Fitzy (for three quarters)]. It was rewarding even more so when Troy picked off Flacco late and took it to the house. He had out-Reeded Ed Reed [damnit that’s almost a palindrome].
These football playoffs were a thing of beauty, though. Witnessing the one year turn-arounds of Miami and Atlanta [which won’t last next year] and the second year turn-around of the Cardinals [which will last as long as Whisenhunt and Grimm are there]. The choking of Peyton, Delhomme and McNabb in successive weeks. [They are who we thought they were!] The non-growth of Rivers and Eli. The emergence of B-Roe to the point where he’s at least knocking on the door to where Brady and Manning reside.
It was only partially tainted by SixBurgh beating the [allegedly] lowly Cards. Then I looked back and noticed that the only other 9-win team in the Super Bowl was the Rams in ’79 – who were beaten by the Steelers. There was the Dallas game they almost blew [God bless him, he has to be sickest man in America.] Those ‘70s Vikes were the equivalent of the early-90s Bills. In hindsight, MY Steelers are [in some way] like those guys in the 70s [albeit with two less titles]. There’s the underestimated QB who never gets mentioned in the conversation for GREAT, but just wins. [Who else has four rings?] The defense is so nice they can win in spite of the offense [SB XL when Ben was terrible versus the Steelers first SB points coming on a safety against Tarkenton]. None of the guys are Madison Ave dreams [cough, Peyton, cough] none of them are going all Hollywood dating super models [rest your knee, Tommy – you know what, fuck that, keep going out and being all Romo on us]. So yea, I can be proud of MY Steelers historically…

Dog Days of Winter

2009-02-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

Now, they all seem to talk about the dog days of summer. Right now I’m wondering about the dog days of winter. Football season is over, the NBA All-Star game is around the corner. That means pro basketball races will be heating up. The old guard like the Spurs are prepping to rip off an upper-teens game winning streak. One of the middle tier teams is poised to make the leap to NEXT status. The Magic have made the jump from the beginning of the year. It also means one of the upper tier teams will falter. Though the C’s faltered around Christmas time so that might already be done.
It must be nice to be the defending champs, having not lost 10 games, yet still able to fly under the radar. The focus seems to be on the Cavs, Magic and Lakers. Hopefully that will pan out for teams like the Spurs, C’s and [hopefully] Blazers. This has been an interesting NBA season. I wouldn’t know because I was mired in the Steelers playoff run so I’m just now diving head first into the pro cagers.
I’m assuming as much though because there are multiple teams right around 10 losses. We’re another year closer to the 2010 sweepstakes. It’ll be interesting at trade deadline time to see who moves a pawn to get a king [pun only slightly intended] next summer.
There are some interesting trade rumors circulating. Right now my personal favorite has to be ‘Sheed to San Antone. Really? Really?!? That’s what’s hot in the streets right now? The Spurs? Acquiring the unequivocal leader of the JailBlazers? The same franchise who gave up Luis Scola for pennies on the dollar on the off chance that he would mess up their chemistry?
I have to say from a strictly on-court standpoint, I love it. Sheed would give them the ability to stretch the floor in new and unique ways. I think his game lends itself to slight aging, as he’s never relied heavily on supreme athleticism. Could you imagine facing a front line consisting of Sheed and Timmy? I think between them, you have one level headed basketball player – someone who shows *just* the right amount of emotion.
One of Sheed’s teammates has been mentioned in terms of trade value as well. They starting to say now that Allen Iverson is hurting his trade value by the way the two teams have fared after his trade from Denver. Wow, that’s a pretty scathing indictment even for a guy who always seemed to be considered a cancer by the media. Then again the numbers don’t lie. Iverson needs the ball a lot. C-Bill just distributes the rock, making the right shot at the right time.
Unfortunately, I think we’re headed to something like Iverson suiting up in Memphis mentoring Mike Conley. Followed up by Conley suddenly entering his name into the best point guard of a generation topic alongside CP3 and D-Will. Or he goes to a mid-tier team and through his cagey-ness [I don’t care if I just made it up bitch] and instantly makes them a contender. Though I consider that to be a less than likely scenario for the amount of time he needs the rock. I guess my dream scenario would be for him to land in Charlotte and be reunited with Larry Brown. Maybe they can turn that franchise into something…if nothing else, as Tony Schiavone once said, that’ll put butts in the seats.

Dear WWE Creative,

2009-02-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

I know it’s been a lil while since I’ve done one of these but WrestleMania is right around the bend and I feel it’s my civic duty to lay out exactly what I’d do heading into and coming out of the Super Bowl of wrestling. I’m also aware that I subscribe to a slightly different method of storytelling than the current slate of WWE writers. I certainly do not care. I feel I fall somewhere between what we have now and what we used to see from the wrasslin down south of the late-80’s. So having said that, here’s what I would run with for the next few months with the WWE roster.
First I have to acknowledge what I feel about the current Randy Orton angle. I think it’s great that they’ve elevated him to top heel status. He’s got more heat than the MacMahon family right now. That’s pretty impressive. However, I think they missed the boat with this insanity angle. I get that it means he can flip out on anyone at any time. But I much rather they run with the notion that he’s a ruthless animal, fully knowledgeable of what he’s doing at all times. Seeing how as the decision has already been made, I’ll go with what creative has set in motion.
At No Way Out, Rando steps in the ring with Shane-O-Mac. I’d put Randy so far over Shane that it’s an embarrassment. Pillar to post, Randy destroys Shane. In a fit of rage, Randy has Legacy come out to put the finishing touches on Shane. Some faces from the back emerge and put an end to the malarkey. I suppose that Cryme Tyme makes the most sense. Then on Monday you have John Cena come out, address Orton and begin their dance toward WM25.
You’ve now set up this lil feud between Legacy and CTC (as those three were calling themselves) and they can dance around one another until April. Orton and Cena have the means to now be directly involved with one another, but they don’t have to physically touch until the PPV draws near. Bonus point for having CTC capture gold from Carlito and Primo mid-March. Then having a CT vs. Legacy match at WM25 and bring the Primo Brothers into the fray, as they are legacies as well.
As you have no doubt noticed, I’m conceding victory in the Chamber to John Cena. This match serves as an opportunity to build alliances and feuds. I hate the idea of Mickey Rourke being involved in WM, so I’d start a Jericho/Mysterio program in this match to run through WM. These two have followed so closely one another’s path to this date (ECW, WCW, WWE - improbable and impressive champion reigns), it seems to make sense to have them with a clearly defined heel/face match at WM. At the end of this match, as Cena is struggling to fend off the other last man standing, Chris Jericho, Orton comes down to influence the end and get the strap onto Jericho. Kofi Kingston inserts himself and he keeps the match on the up and up. Kofi is over right now, especially with the younger audience that WWE is aiming for right now. This is a good place to get him air time with Cena and have him fight the baddies, AKA Legacy.
Punk’s got the IC strap and he’s working this program with Regal. They’ve yet to announce a match for them at NWO. Reviewing the Raw roster, I don’t see anyone who makes sense for a tussle with Punk. After this thing with Regal ends, Kane would make the most sense. There has to be a means of putting Punk over. He was handed the big strap last summer and defended it thusly. Now is the time to build him properly. Enter him in a program with Kane and have them in the run up to WM25. Have them yapping at one another and in the end Punk goes over Kane in Houston, because everyone loves watching David slay Goliath. And Kane is certainly athletic enough to work a good match or two with Mr. HardcoreStraightedge. I have removed Kofi as a possibility here to keep him in line for a shot at the Money in the Bank.
That’s my take on Raw. We’re building to Orton/Cena for the Heavyweight, Cryme Tyme/Legacy for the tag straps with the Colons lurking, Kane/Punk for the IC and Jericho/Mysterio in a special grudge match at WM25. And the ensuing MiB match. Along the way, there’s this elephant in the room of the dividing factions on Monday Night. Pretty defined line as to who’s what. You have the guys towing the company line and the guys whose fathers worked for Vinnie Mac who feel invincible to his tyranny. I’ll be back soonly with an update as to what I’d do on SmackDown!.

Welcome to Sixburgh

2009-02-03T08:23:00.001-08:00

I’m still in shock and awe from Sunday night. My boys were dominant early, then the Cards looked to creep back in only to have the door slammed shut with James Harrison’s TAINT. Follow that up with the real comeback, AKA Fitzy’s Fourth. Finally the Santonio Spectacular brought trophy number six to Sixburgh.
Ben was so nice to start that game. There were the screens and slipped blocks by Heath Miller. Hines got out of the gate early to show he was healthy. Then the offense seemed to sputter. I don’t know what it was all year long that they did this, but it seemed like they lulled in the middle of the game. They needed the pressure of the final moments in order to succeed. Pressure busts pipes, but it also makes diamonds – 6 of them…
The Defense was amazing too. For three quarters they were able to play the quintessential bend don’t break game. It was odd because of the missed tackles early. Edge James did a fantastic job of slipping through the cracks. Troy Polamalu wasn’t his effectual self because he was put into deep coverage to combat the great passing attack. Go back and check some of the replays, Troy missed tackles because he was flying in from 20 yards downfield, moving at the speed of light. At that high speed, Edge’s juke moves were enough to make him miss. That to me seemed to be the biggest aid of Ken Whisenhunt’s tenure with the Steelers – how to make them miss.
A special moment has to be taken to talk about the pass rush the Steelers were able to get. I know you’re going to point to the stats and the two sacks they were limited to. Keep in mind however that they were generally rushing 3-4 guys and dropping the rest into coverage. The coverage drop worked with Harrison’s TAINT. The front man rush worked on the Steelers final defensive play. Lamarr Woodley got to Warner on a THREE MAN RUSH. The kid’s a monster. Go blue…
I could acknowledge the deficiencies of the team this year (I’m looking at you Bruce Arians). Yet, I’ll save that for another day. Today, I’m going to be watching the parade to celebrate the winningest franchise in the modern-NFL. The only difference between XL and XLIII is that this time I’m enjoying warm glowing warming glow of the television in my living room – right next to Pops, just where I was on Sunday.

What the Fuck is Prixe Fixe?

2009-01-29T17:35:00.000-08:00

I'm back from the greater-DC area. I actually never made it into the Capital City for sightseeing. We got pretty good and drunk on Monday night, Twe was late for work and I wasn't moving until closer to noon. Monday night I saw my first game at the Verizon Center...and I couldn't have been more disappointed. Not only could I not believe who was on the Wiz roster, but the building itself sucked ass. MDot and I had a great time in the nosebleeds though.
Tuesday I was assed out most of the morning plus there was snow and they Marylunders don't really know how to react in snow. So I opted to sit back and watch the Steelers Media Day festivities and order lunch, THEN I went to the local mall. We ended up going for seafood that night. It was a new place they never went before and none of us were too impressed. Then we ended up at some local BMore bars. I started the argument about Ripken's streak vs. Favre's streak. (For the record, I think Favre's is more impressive because he is legendary for his play whereas Ripken is legendary mainly for the streak. I don't think he's in the legends convo for his body of work - furthermore I think the streak took away from his abilities and he could have been that legend had he taken a day or two off.) MDot and his boy were on Cal's side, so I had no chance at winning. Then I woke up Wednesday and trekked through the shit to get back to the Burgh. I made it. Safe and sound. We shall see what comes of that trip. In the meantime, we're all getting ready here around town for Sunday...

Tell Ev'rybody That Y'Know

2009-01-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

I can’t let Barnes be the onliest one talking about his dreams in cyberspace. Though mine are of a more personal and serious nature. And do not involve old Nickelodeon game shows, the Manning family or Oreos. Two nights ago, I had a dream about Heartbreak and I. (Seeing how as I called her Amor on here while we were together, she shall heretofore be known as Heartbreak.) It was pretty fucking trippy.
For whatever reason I was at what could most positively be described as a burlesque house. And she was there. I don’t mean to imply that she’s working there, but she was there. And I wanted to talk to her, but the other girls were keeping me from her. Then I finally broke away and she and I got to speak. We were on a revolving floor that made a similar path to the Whip at Kennywood. I kept getting pinched by the moving parts while sitting on it. So I got off the ride. Then we ended up in a grocery store [I think] and continuing out conversation, none of which I could hear in my unconscious.
Last night I had another one. We were talking [for realsies] before I went to bed and it didn’t finish on a particularly good note, but it wasn’t like we sent each other to hell. So it was on my mind when I lay out as ‘guy on the couch’. This time I was at her house, I guess. It was someone’s house and again I was trying to talk to her. This time I was kept from her by her brother, the one that would be protective of her, and one of his friends. Thing was, this friend was a huge Irishman. So I had to deal with this giant mick who wanted to kick my ass instead of letting me speak to Heartbreak.
As I needed to cool out, I went to this room where there was a stage. It was a big auditorium that looked similar to the one at Stevens. I went there the first time after her brother told me I couldn’t see her and not to come back. That time I went I was the only person there and I did some relaxation exercises. The second time I went after going back to the house and was confronted with the big red head. We exchanged some words and he threatened to kill me. I told him to try and I realized I was in an Irish bar surrounded by a bunch of his friends, so I decided to retire to my happy place to relax. This time there a rehearsal was letting out and I had to contend with them. It kinda irked me but I went to the backstage are and tried to relax again.
And that’s where it ended. I had no real resolution to what was going on. We never got to speak. I didn’t get to relax that second time at the theater, and I don’t know what the hell that means. But in summation, girls at a house of ill-repute, her family and the Irish were against me speaking to Heartbreak. If you have any idea what any of this means, please let me know. I have no clue…

The real Keyser Soze...

2009-01-24T07:11:00.000-08:00

I promised recaps on Steeler games, but I seemed to have slipped last week. I was tied up with a couple other things and I wrote a few blogs at that time but I didn’t get to write anything about the Steelers. There was the whole black man as leader of the free world thing that went down.
I’ll say in hindsight that it was crazy to watch that game. I really doubted the Steelers chances until Troy made that play. I called a big defensive play in the second half, I just thought it would happen in the third quarter, like the Woodley fumble last game, or earlier in the fourth. Like they say, defense wins championships.
Joe Unibrow was the difference in the game. I’ve been saying since the Wild Card Round that he’s a rookie quarterback on the road in the playoffs. Everyone has been saying that at this point he’s not a rookie. But where had he played? Miami, where the defense did everything and it was never a game. And Tennessee where the fans will turn on the Titans faster than, well I don’t have an analogy, but it’s damned quick. Tennessee had bad mojo built up from stomping the terrible towel and here’s to Chris Johnson having a slower recovery than Tom Brady, douch bags…
Ben’s TD throw to Santonio was something magical. Avoiding the collapsing pocket then sliding to his left away from a sure sack. Then he chucks a duck, an absolutely horrid pass to the Weed Master, who then scurries for six. There was the drop by Limas Sweed, whose ego was so bruised by the drop that he lay on the field and feigned an injury to the tune of the team losing a time out and costing them a FG at the end of the half. I got shit for it cuz I own a Sweed jersey. (In my defense I bought it out of a truck in October in Hoboken. I think it’s an old Neil O’Donnell jersey with a new name plate.) And I think there was a second left when Ben clocked the ball. We shoulda had a shot at unleashing Jeff Reed’s blow out.
It was an interesting game for the defense. Farrior seemed to be everywhere. Harrison seemed to have been negated, but that just paved the way for my boy Lamarr Woodley. (I asked Pops for the thumbs up on when I can shell out the dough for a Woodley. That was my boy at Michigan and I was hype when the Steelers drafted him.) The interceptions kept Baltimore out of the game and Troy’s play was the game changer.
Which brings me to the debate. Best Safety in the League. Ed Reed vs. Troy Polamalu. I’ll give Ed props for taking the ball to the house most of the time when he gets to touch the ball. Dude is sick like that. The Ravens have a great scheme set up for when they get a turnover, which is basically just set up punt blocking and reverse field on them. And it works more often than not. But Reed can be negated by simply throwing away from him, granted there’s the prospect of a fumble and Ed taking it to the house. But the Steelers have LBs who do that. Troy just happened to be everywhere the other night. The stuff on the QB sneak when he left his feet and still made the stop, was a thing of beauty. There was the open field tackling by Troy, which Reed can do. But Polamalu just seems to have a nose for the ball and he flies around the field sniffing it out.
So to this Steeler fan, there is no debate. Ed Reed is an above average safety and deserving of every accolade he’s ever gotten. But Troy Polamalu is a great safety. He can line up in the box and stuff the run. He can close in the flat and stop a sure third down conversion, forcing a punt. He can line up in the box, then drop into coverage. He’ll read the QB and pick it off…and like that , he was gone…

As Promised....

2009-01-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

There may be those of you out there who aren’t aware, but Amor and I split up last week. Unfortunately it’s been coming for the last while, as we’ve had some issues heading back to Thanksgiving and slightly before. We had tried to pass it all off and make it work but we just couldn’t get ish to click. So last week we spoke and decided to take a break. We’re not done for realsies, but a lot needs to happen before we get back together.
With all that’s gone on around me the past few months, it’s given me time to evaluate. My job situation, my relationship, my passions. All of them have run through my head and I’ve come to realize that some things aren’t as important to me as I previously thought. Others, moreso that I did think. All in all I must admit it’s been an odd period for me. I never really took stock of what I had around me like this time. And I still don’t know what to make of all of it.
Some of it seems easy – fuck the dumb shit, don’t let that bottle bring you down. Some of it seems harder – don’t take another job, instead jump feet first into the acting/filmmaking ventures. It’s all so clouded that I can’t decipher what’s going on. Society dictates that you take a 9-5 [or 6-6, 7 days a week in my case] and be miserable. You meet your college sweetheart and you get engaged, then you get married and buy a house with a white picket fence and join PTAs and shit.
But that doesn’t appeal to me. I want a nice place on the upper West side, a block from the park. I wanna be a mother fucking rockstar, but more importantly I wanna live my life on my terms. I’ve always said to anyone who would listen that I wouldn’t let the dream cloud me from the vision. The dream is that big ballin’ shit, $20M a flick. The vision is acting in plays and being second guy from the left on tv and in films, then making my indie flicks when I can get enough roll to do them.
It feels sometimes that I don’t have the right people on board to make that shit happen. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to take that first step. But I’ve got no one to take it with me. I don’t have an E, a Turtle or a Drama [though in all fairness, I’m likely more Drama than Vince].
I’ve always been surrounding by [at worst, moderately] successful people. They have their own bills to pay and lives to live. And they don’t always have time to join up and make my shit happen. And that’s fine. That’s why we’re friends. We’re all strong in our own right. So they’ve all got their own ish to work on and I’ve got these ideas for shows and movies and I want to bring them in cuz I know they’d rock out at it. But at the same time, they need to handle their business.
I’m rambling in circles now because I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I feel like Neo standing in the hallway looking at the agents. Except, I can’t see in code yet. I’m 25 and I can still be disappointed in everyone I know, including myself. I’ve learned that no one can live up to the high standards which I’ve set. I strive for them everyday and I’ve yet to reach them. But now I’m looking at them face to face and am grab them bitches with two hands. All I need now is a plan, anyone have any ideas???

Bye Bye Bush!!!!

2009-01-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

Having this amount of free time on my hands, I have decided to provide a public service. For those of you who have ‘work’ today, I have decided to recount the activities of this morning’s inauguration. Here is the blow by blow…so far we’ve missed Magic, Spielberg, the Governator and details of the First Luncheon.

11:08 – Loser’s row enters. Dan Quail, Al Gore and Walter Mondale are all walking in. Glad to see Tipper’s still around. Bitch. Fucking Parental Advisory stickers…take charge of your own children’s upbringing. Don’t cost me the chance to buy Ready to Die as an 11 year old…

11:10 – John Kerry’s in the house. I don’t even have a joke. I’m glad that his campaign catapulted Seth Meyers to head writer of SNL.

11:12 – Cicely Tyson doing her Jane Pittman thing. Praising the Lord and thanking God for a beautiful day.

11:14 – Poppy Bush and Babs are in the house. Poppy tells the Secret Service they’re looking good.

11:15 – Gramma Bush is being helped to her seat. I know it’s a busy day but do we have to watch a woman in her late 80s getting to her seat on such a cold day? At some point, I don’t ever want to be in the spotlight, but I guess as the former leader of the free world and his/her family you have no choice.

11:16 – BUBBA! Billy’s here. He just smiled at one of the secret service agents. I think it was one of the guys he used to get stoned with. Hillary looks kinda pissed. IDK if it’s cuz she isn’t being inaugurated or that she’s still with Bill.

11:17 – Poppy and Billy just crossed paths at the bottom of the steps and seemed to be cordial. I bet Bill is recommending something for Poppy’s limp.

11:18 – Carter just walked through the Bush/Clinton gathering. He stopped to kiss Babs but ignored Billy and Poppy. PS – Poppy is gonna be 85. And he still wants to jump out of a plane.

11:19 – Carter’s official entrance to the area. Decent pop for Jimmy – who my dad just informed me that Jimmy’s favorite bands are the Allman Bros. and Willie Nelson. Then they went inside and showed the Bush Bimbos walking down the steps.

11:20 – Poppy officially enters. He salutes the armed men and looks regal. He and Babs are wearing purple scarves to celebrate bipartisanship. Bubba’s wearing Herpicin to cover his winter outbreak.

11:22 – Bubba comes out to the biggest pop of the night. They just showed the entire crowd going nuts. He’s glad handing as everyone in the camera’s eye is clapping.

11:23 – They just showed the moving trucks out front. The movers can’t do shit until the transference of power. I’m finding out now that if God forbid something happened to Barry, then Dubya would have to hold the government until they can sort shit out. [Ed’s. note: This is why Joe Biden will be sworn in first. So they can set up a decent succession before Barry is sworn in.]

11:24 - The Obama daughters are rolling in. Oh good, the Jonas Brothers did a concert for the girls over the weekend. They’re the kitchiest. [Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers?] The old white man on CBS just said the girls were cuties. Can we get that man on an Amber Alert list? Now Katie Couric is talking about how nice it is to have young girls in the White House. And Barry hopes the media allows the girls the chance to grow up somewhat naturally. At least not completely intrude upon their privacy.

11:27 – The girls are officially brought out to the crowd. Decent pop for them. Now they’re talking about Michelle’s mother living with them. Katie smells a sit com.

11:28 – They’re bringing out the Hogs N Heffers [Dubya’s daughters] followed up by Mrs. Bush. Oh, good, the hoes beasts have a seat in front of Bubba. Do you think that Billy is into the Bush daughters? I mean, black men love thick white women…

11:30 – Katie ain sayin shit as they’re pausing to build tension. The crowd is screaming ‘O-Bama!’

11:31 – Michelle Obama and Joe Biden are inside making their way out.

11:32 – Dubya is walking down the hall, looking lost. He’s lived there for the last 8 years. Why doesn’t he know these corridors? Katie is talking about his decision to compare himself to Abraham Lincoln. I think this is a good time to promote my idea to change the monetary system. Abe should be on the hundred dollar bill, because Diddy is all about the Benjamin’s. Baby. And Dubya should be on the penny because NO ONE wants a penny.

11:33 – Michelle Obama comes out, greeting everyone. You can see Bill thinking, ‘finally I’m not the only black person out here.’

11:35 – Dick Cheney is in a wheel chair. I wonder if it was built by Halliburton. Apparently he strained his back moving boxes to MacLean, VA. I thought the devil was impervious to pain?

11:36 – The official introduction of Dubya and Dick. I have no words to describe what a smarmy looking bastard Dubya is. Actually, those three will do. Dubya shakes hands and gets to Bubba. You’d think with rhyming names, they’d be good friends. But Bubba looks pissed that Dubya gets a front row seat to this.

11:39 – The first showing of Barry in the corridor. He looks like a leader. Quiet calm and confidence. Kinda like MJ in mid-90s. They’re talking about him using his middle name for the ceremony as a branch to the Muslim world. I’m sure the white people will REALLY love that…His speech is expected to run 18-20 minutes with applause. Dynamite drop in, Katie.

11:41 – The crowd is chanting ‘O-Bama!’ again.

11:42 – They’re showing crowd shots. Holy fucking shit. That’s a ton of people. The CBS talent has a copy of the speech and they’re giving their thoughts on it. Without wanting to give away much to us about what he’s going to say. So they’re telling me what they think about something I have no idea of. Good call, Les.

11:43 – I half expect Barry to come out to the Bulls intro in the mid-90s. But I don’t want to see Joe Biden in Scottie Pippen’s old uniform. Though I suppose he’d rock the John Stockton shorts. There’s an image I don’t want. I guess in this scenario Hillary would be Dennis Rodman. I bet you didn’t want to picture her in shorts and a tank top, did you?

11:44 – Barry’s official introdutction. The announcer just said H. Not Hussein. WTF? Barry’s shaking hands. I don’t know if they don’t have the crowd mic’d properly. But the pop wasn’t as big as Bubba. No I spoke too soon. On cue, they start with ‘O-Bama!’ I think everyone was just in awe of his emergence…

11:45 – Barry’s complaining about the weather? And now Katie is telling us the Barry’s is sensitive to the cold. Really? I guess he is a tropical people. He might have lived in Chicago, but he was born and raised in Hawaii.

11:46 – Dianne Feinstein is opening it up for us. The girls look cold. I wonder if they’re sitting there like most kids. Did Barry and Michelle allow them one toy for the ceremony? Does Malia Ann have her PSP while Sasha has her favorite Barbie? I’m brimming with questions.

11:48 – She finishes her speech with BARACK OBAMA. And the crowd goes nuts. Even, Mick Foley’s cheap pop has more credibility than that speech.

11:49 – Rev Rick Warren is performing the invocation of this ceremony. Apparently he’s controversial because he’s conservative and opposes abortion and same sex marriage. Apparently they let Dubya make one last bad decision on the way out.

11:50 – And now Rev Rick brings up MLK. And they show a wide shot of Barry and Biden. Biden just looks like a dick. Am I wrong? But I guess what’s why he’s there. When shit hits the fan you need the DC insider to help…

11:53 – Rev Rick is still going on. And now he’s started the Lord’s prayer. So to the religious right, I say suck my nuts. Barry isn’t going away from religion. He’s just not going to point the army and shoot like the President Archangel Bush.

11:53 – Aretha to sing ‘My Country ‘Tis of Thee’. What is on her head? Did she eat the fat Oprah? Again, I’m brimming with questions…

11:54 – Aretha just said, ‘My Cunt. Ree tis of thee’. Pops is over here hacking a lung up. Did she just say cunt in the inauguration?

11:55 – Pops and I wonder if Aaron Neville is going to sing the inaugural address.

11:56 – So Aretha is now the first black woman of the country.

11:57 – Joe Biden is the first catholic to be sworn in as the Vice President. Fucking Puritans. In case you’re wondering, I hate Boston. I love going in there with a Yankees hat on.

11:58 - Biden sounds like such a dick even in taking oath. His dark hairded daughter is cute. I’d give her an ATM swipe.

11:59 – Biden just turned to the frat row and gave it a hearty Fonze. And they all looked back at him and went ‘AAAAAAYYYYYYYY!’ I now love Scranton, PA. I want to go to a jiggle joint there and ask if they know Joe…

12:00 – Yoyo Ma is rippin it on the cello. Where’s Stanley Clark? I hereby decree that this ceremony should have all black performers. We should ditch Dianne and have Robin Roberts hosting this shit.

12:03 – The music is so boring they’re showing live shots in LA, Chicago and Philly. Chi-Town had a bunch of lil kids sittin in church lookin bored out of their minds. Philly is at another church and the camera was on these two young women who couldn’t stop laughing.

12:05 – Katie Couric just pointed out that Biden is president because Bush’s term expired promptly at noon. So we need to get this shit on the road…

12:05 – Barack is being sworn in. He screwed up the first line. And the second. [Ed’s. note: Katie told us in the post-game coverage that the Chief Justice juxtaposed the words at the beginning, throwing Barry off. Andersen Cooper later compared it to getting married. Maybe to a guy.]

12:06 – Ladies and gentlemen, the president of these United States – BARACK HUSSEIN OBABMA. And the howitzer’s are going off….God Damn I think I heard one outside.

12:07 – SPEECH!!!!

12:08 – The crowd drops in with ‘O-Bama!’ Barry starts his speech. He thanks Dubya and there was some jaded applause. Does anyone give a fuck about Dubya? I mean other than my Aunt Florence, who was alive for Roosevelt’s first term in office. Teddy, not Franklin.

12:10 – Barry outlines all the bad shit going on right now. I’m glad he knows what he’s up againt. But now I wanna move to Columbia and become a drug lord…[Ah, si. Okay, okay! Big man, you wanna make some big bucks?]

12:13 – They just showed some Tuskegee Airmen in the audience.

12:14 – Poppy is rocking a Costanza hat. Good look for him with the purple scarf. Do they sell men’s clothes where you got your outfit for the ceremony?

12:22 – In the midst of his portion about the vets, living and dead, my cable blacked out.

12:23 – My DirecTv came back. It was almost as traumatizing as the end of the Sopranos finale.

12:24 – Pops just spotted a Steeler jacket in the crowd shot. SB XLIII, mother fuckers!

12:26 – ‘Thank you. God Bless you. And God bless the United States of America.’ Good speech.

12:28 – Elizabeth Alexander, the inaugural poet, is reading a piece for us. I think they removed Joe Biden. I mean it makes sense. You wouldn’t want the both of them together at an open air evetn. I’m just wondering if they pulled him out as soon as he was sworn in. [……that’s what she said]

12:31 – People are walking out as Emily Dickinson finishes up, hopefully soonly.

12:32 – They should have had Common as the inaugural poet. Dianne introduces Reverend Joseph Lowery for the benediction. I was half expecting a Vince McMahon swerve.
‘Oh my God, is that Rev Wright’s music?!?! It is! Reverend Wright is in DC! And he’s got a steel chair! He’s fighting he way over to Barry. My God, he just smashed Hillary Clinton over the head! Bill appears to be dancing.’

12:37 – Rev Lowery just said ‘Red Man’. Thank God they were on a close up of Barry. He kinda cringed at that moment. Great unintentional comedy…

12:40 – Biden is still there. I’m impressed. I would have thought they got him out of their immediately, especially with a black man in charge. I mean, DC is south of the Mason Dixon Line.

Well, they’re going to some recap coverage so that will do it for us. Can I go get lunch now? Yes, I can!

I hear voices in my head.....

2009-01-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

So I know I promised a bunch of stuff to you guys, but I gotta stop for a second and discuss the WWE. Tonight was the return of Vincent Kennedy McMahon! I missed half of the show in going to my sister's game. But I came back and caught Cryme Tyme beating the two doofi for a shot to fight for the Tag straps. They did something with Melina, but I missed it while I marveled at her bosomness staying in her top.
Then they finished with Vinnie Mac. So they bring out Jericho and he appeals to Vince for his job back. Vince brings out the princess and she tells Jericho to apologize to her. Then to the fans. Y2J got on his knees after the fans asked and begged for their mercy. Then Jericho was told by the Princess to leave the ring as the fans told him exactly what they think of him.
This ladies and gentlemen is when, as the like to say, business picked up. Randy Orton's music hit and he made his way to the ring. He told Steph that she needs to apologize to him for slapping him unnecessarily. He went on to call her names, then daddy told her to leave the ring. Vinnie confronted Rando and told him to apologize or lose his job. Randy went nuts and told VKM that the WWE would be nothing and nowhere without him and Vince should choose his words carefully. Vince started with his two famous words, You're...only to be cut off with a right from Orton. Randy then punted Vince in the head.
I loved this move on multiple levels. First, they have another means to get Vince off TV until WrestleMania. Second, everyone that Vince has feuded with has been the face. They took the opportunity to change Randy into the greatest heel they've had in a long long time. His psychosis has been growing for so long that this was the next logical step.
The first one out to Vince's side was Steph. I was openly rooting for him to punt her next. But what they did confused me. They had Randy being remorseful. I don't get it. You have the chance to elevate a guy to a level that you haven't had in a long time. You have the ultimate face in John Cena. You have the former most hated man (Vince), who just came out to a big pop. This to me seemed the chance to take this shit to the next level. In the past, I've given my opinion as to what I would have done. And today will be no different.
I have Randy punt Vince, then kick Steph next. Randy goes nuts in the ring keeping everyone out who attempted to come to their aid. Only Cody and Teddy can calm him to the point of getting him out the ring. Next week, the night after the Rumble, John Cena comes out and addresses the beating he unleashed on JBL. Then he moves on to Randy Orton. Even though Vince has screwed a number of wrestlers over the years. [Pause and everyone chants Bret Hart's name.] He tells Randy that Vince is a necessary evil and were it not for Vince, none of them would have their chance to be the superstars that they are. Kind of reiterating what it is that Vince told Randy about Cowboy Bob.
Now you've got this rehashed storyline [Cena vs. Orton] but with a fresh twist. Start a rift in the locker room. There are those that side with John Cena, maybe some you wouldn't expect. There are those that side with Randy Orton, again some you wouldn't expect. So you go to No Way Out with a gimmick match where in you have the anti-VKM guys and the anti-Orton guys. You could even cross brand it and that's how you begin to bring HHH back to Raw. You make it so it's a six man Elimination Chamber match. Winner gets a shot at Cena at WMXXV. Now you have crossed allegiances, who's really behind the cause and who's just looking for a title shot. It's a good way to get Orton and Cena in one ring without them actually touching leading into WMXXV. Then Randy wins and gets his shot at Cena in the main event in Houston.

I'm a terrible human being

2009-01-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

With everything going on around me right now - I promise details in the next day or so - I needed something to cheer me up. Enter the Yahoo front page article, 'What happened to Kevin Pittsnogle?'. I'm happy to know I have something in common with a former big time college basketball player. Except I have a better career path, even if no job at the moment. Enjoy...

http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/Finally-an-answer-to-Whatever-happened-to-Kevi?urn=ncaab,134910

Where yo' MVP?

2009-01-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

http://www.post-gazette.com/multimedia/?videoid=101373

'Nuff said...

Home Sweet Hell

2009-01-11T22:59:00.000-08:00

I started out around 11 o’clock Sunday morning writing some witty commentary on the precedings of the previous day’s foot ball games. But somewhere around 12-12:30 I lost interest in it and found myself just kind of writing in circles, saying nothing. Then 1 o’clock came along and the New York Football Giants came out flat and the game had an odd flow, albeit one that featured two division rivals. Follow that up with the San Diego Super Chargers visiting the old hometown to take on the HomeBoys. And I have to admit it was indeed a great day.
I hate to look ahead, but I can’t help myself because I don’t think either the Iggles or Cards present much challenge to either the Baltimore Birdies (Cleveland Still Sucks) or the Black N Gold Crew. I digress, as I know the Steelers have the uphill climb of taking the three game sweep in one season to make it to the Super Bowl. Aside from that, I know that I’ve been watching sports for a quarter century and I’ve been relatively cognizant of it for about 2 decades – Damn you Barry Bonds for not throwing out Sid Bream.
Of all that sport watching, the majority of it has been dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers. In my lifetime, Chuck Noll retired and a guy named Bill Cowher took the helm. This led to the blown KC game in his first season. There was the Who Knew Pupunu game. And Crew Bledsoe getting his next job when he beat my boys coming off the bench to replace an injured Tom Brady. There was the spectacular run in ’95 to meet the Triplets in AZ. And most recently, the run to SB XL.
In thinking of all that, I could remember certain items when I really dedicated my mind, but everything was a little hazy. I know that in 04, we were 15-1 and Ben was the mother fucking shizznit, no more Tommy Gun Maddox – ladies and gentleman, your XFL MVP. Then he shit the bed and the Pats spanked our asses in the AFC Championship game. The next year, we were up and down. Ben started to show that he was vulnerable to injury but, we surmised, mainly to look like a superhero. We were 11-5 and seemed lucky to be such as we had to win out to clinch the 6 seed.
Then things turned in the snow game versus the Bears. I remember Bettis doing his best Bo Jackson to Brian Urlacher’s Bozzz. The actually playoffs is a haze though. I remember Kimo ruining the Cincy franchise. Ben’s season saving tackle after the sure handed Bettis fumbled on the 1. Ben doing his best gunslinger after heaving a TD at Mile High and pretty much ending Jake the Snake Plummer’s career. I know I was back in the Burgh for the Super Bowl, but for the life of me I don’t remember the game. I watch the replays on NFL Network, and so much of it looks foreign to me.
This time around I want to enjoy and remember it. So you’re all doomed to suffer as I talk about the Steelers run this season. I must say, I’m speechless today after watching this one. It was an odd feeling to watch us defer then kick off and have the ball rammed down our throats. At first I was skeptical that we’d gotten off the buses. I mean, had the gambling gods just deemd this the ‘fuck you’ round of the playoffs? Damn your trends and ‘home field’ advantages, they’re determined to ruin your kid’s college fund.
Then it all changed thanks to the legs of SanAntonio Holmes. I was sick and fucking tired of hearing about how the Chargers best chance of winning was in that third aspect of the game. They had Mike ‘the Man With the Golden Toe’ Scifres, whom I learned at the beginning of the game had an extra syllable in his name and John Madden had mispronounced it the week before – a shock I know. Well the Black N Gold took that advantage and shoved it up Norv Turner’s pooper. Santonio Wadd took it to the house. It was a thing of beauty to watch.
After that, all seemed to be right in Steeler land. Ben did his do and led a half ending drive that ended in a touchdown on a nice Willie Parker scamper off tackle. Then that deferment seemed such a nice advantage. Ben again took the boys down on a demoralizing half a quarter long scoring drive, converting what seemed like a dozen third and longs. Then the Defensive Player of the Year (heretofore known and D-POY) and Larry Foote played ‘Mine, No it’s mine’ with Phyllis Rivers first pass attempt of the half. Follow that with Eric Weddle’s header and Randall Gay’s great return (which was called back, drats). And we have ourselves a 28-10 ballgame and the Super Chasrgers had ONE offensive play and no yards in the third quarter.
I wish right then and there I wish I could have called it. But the game isn’t over until the final gun and Phyllis had some fight left in him and they made a good showing of it in the fourth quarter. It was good to see Willie Parker have himself a nice day, a buck forty-six and two touches. And old reliable, Heath Miller with the Steelers lone receiving touchdown. It was disconcerting that Hines Ward seemingly disappeared in the first half, but he recovered to finish with 4 for 70 – not Fitzgerald-esque numbers by any means, but he did have that nice 41-yarder down the sideline to set up the Parker touchdown to end the half.
All in all, it was good to watch the boys do what they do and do it better than the Chargers. Here’s to a good offseason of faith and prayer for Phyllis Rivers. Here’s to a good offseason wherein LDT can make another hill that he’ll run up and down in July, but will do nothing to strengthen his groin for November. Here’s to a good offseason of signing a running back that isn’t going to break down midseason – psssst, I don’t think that’s ‘Lightning Bug’. Moreover, here’s to next Sunday, 6:30 kick off between division rivals. Loser goes home. Winner goes to Tampa. As Mike Tomlin said after the game, if it was a scrimmage it would be big – this just happens to be the AFC Championship game.

Even roaches have kids.....

2009-01-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

So the Candace Parker is going to have a child this coming spring. IDK what's more significant - Will this hurt the LA Sparxxx ability to repeat as champs? Will Parker return to form as one of the more fundmentally sound ballplayers in the game? Will she be able to dunk again?
OR and the idea that I'm leaning toward of significance this notion. The father of the baby is...(Drumroll Please!)...NBA star and Duke alum Shelden Williams! Apparently the two are married and you know that because she took his last name - oh wait...
But now Shelden 'No, I don't have a touch of the Downs' Williams is going to be a father. I mean, I'm brimming with questions here. Will she ever take his name? What name will the kids go by? Are these kids being set up to be the most awkward and googly children ever? Will this have any effect on HIS career? (Admittedly, I didn't know the big red retard was still in the L at this point. Next, you'll be twlling me that JJ Redick and his gramma poetry ass is still gainfully employed in the association as well.)
Health and wealth to the Williams-Parker clan in 09....and no June-November babies. (We wouldn't want to hurt the star of the real breadwinner of the family.)

I have a crayon in my brain?

2008-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Reports have indicated that Ben Roethlisberger sustained a low grade concussion near the end of the second quarter of last week's Browns-Steelers game. Many pundits have looked back at Coach Tomlin's decision to have B-Roe in the game. Looking back at those oh-so-dominant Colts teams which had such a lead they could afford to rest guys starting in week 14. When they did so, they always seemed to come out rusty and flat in January as no one had played a meaningful game since Thanksgiving.
Today is not about rehashing coaching decisions though. Today we're going to look to the future and what we can expect Ben Roethlisberger to be going through as he recovers from his 'minor concussion'. To provide information, we have enlisted the foremost expert on concussions, Hennessy and illegitimate children, our good friend Barnes. As always, my comments are in red.

What are the side effects of a low grade concussion?
~ The side effects of a concussion are nausea, dizziness, lack of coordination, iritability, and sensitivity to light. (Barnes is always irritable and generally sensitive to light, so those two were not good indicators for the training staff as to his condition.)
How does it make you feel?
~ It's pretty much like getting drunk in high school. You get a good buzz going for about an hour (I remember singing in the training room after my second one) followed by a prolonged hangover. You also get really sleepy, but you can't sleep for 8 hours afterwards. Then when you do get to sleep, you can't sleep for more than 3-4 hours.
What does that feel like as compared to a high grade concussion?
~ The main difference is pretty simple. For a high grade one, in the words of Smokey, "You got knocked the fuck out". Basically, if you don't go unconscious, its a low grade concussion. (Does this mean I've only been low-grade drunk as then?)
This is Ben's third concussion in as many years – how is recovery time affected by multiple concussions?
~ It depends on the time between them and the severity. Mine were all minor, but three of them occurred within 3.5 months of each other. That's not good.
IE – do you think he can be ready for the Jan 11 Divisional game?
~ Yes, I think he'll play.
Which is more damaging – having a portion of ceiling falling on you while sleeping or bouncing your head off the windshield of a Buick?
~ Depends what timeframe you're talking about and if there are any other associated injuries. Short term, the windshield is more damaging. But if that's you're only brain injury, you should be fine. A ceiling falling directly on your back from 12 feet up, made of plaster and soaking wet, that will leave some long term damage. Hence why I have to look like a tool wearing a backback with a suit because a regular laptop bag causes pain after carrying it for 5 minutes.
Do you think that concussions are directly proportional to cranium size?
~ I'm sure it can't help. Since it's essentially two forces (and force equals mass times acceleration) colliding and a concussion too much force for your brain to handle. In the words of Ron Burgandy, "It's science." (For anyone who doesn't know, Barne's has a tiny head. I mean like freakishly tiny. His toddler might have a bigger head. That makes his head trauma all the more enigmatic.)
Do you feel a kinship to Wayne Chrebet because both you and he had careers cut short due to brain trauma?
~ I'm not going to lie and say it didn't help. But there's also the kinship that we're both undersized white guys. And he played at Hofstra.
Would you recommend me buying a car from Wayne's dealership?
~ I would highly recommend it. (End of year clearances abound, as they try to offload all year end models!)
Would you rather be blacked out from a concussion or blacked out from drunkenness?
~ Strictly from a physical perspective, drunkenness. You know it'll go a way in a day or so, and you can make it better by having an eye opener. From a mental perspective, probably concussed. Because I don't have to worry about what I did last night and who's pissed off at me. (I wish there was a way to apologize and not have it be awkward, but I'm still learning how to do it. I think I could spend a lifetime at it and not find a good way to go about it...)
Have you been blacked out more from a concussion or drunkenness?
~ Drunkenness. I never actually blacked out from a concussion because the one thing doctors and trainers tell other people is to not let you fall asleep for like 8 hours. So you have people poking you all the time.
Moreover, do you remember every occurrence of each?
~ I remember the first hour or so after each concussion. After that, its a blank. Most drunken black outs are blank as well, with intermittent highlights, mostly just pictures.
How many concussions do you need to suffer before 'slipping one by the goalie'?
~ From my experience, 4 is the magic number. I'd also recommend that no one test the validity of that. (Don't be a fool, wrap your tool; lest you end up like Mr. TwentyPercent)
Would you rather beat the Pats and end the Titans undefeated season then go 1-4 down the stretch to miss the playoffs after everyone touted the Subway Super Bowl? Or miss two FGs to lose in OT to the Steelers?
~ I'd rather have the former, mostly because I don't live with any Dolphins fans. It's one thing to lose a game painfully, it's another to have to be reminded of it every day. Plus the collapse just proved me right about Brett Favre being a bad move.
Follow up, did you see Chad Pennington on a play-action pass with Ted Ginn having 3 steps on the NYJ defenders, then underthrow him so badly that Ginn had to come back 5 steps?
~ I'll tell you what, nobody in the league throws the "Underthrow the WR because the CB is face guarding" route better than Chad. Just like how he got complemented for his accuracy on short throws two weeks ago.
Follow up to the follow up, would you rather have had CP or Brett Favre this season?
~ I was driving the "Please Don't Sign Brett Favre" bus back in July to the point that I got a text message at 8:15 one morning just saying, "HAHAHAHAHA" and immediately knew the Jets signed him. Back in August I was going to write an NFL preview, but only got around to doing the AFC East. Here's what I wrote about Pennington and what I was looking forward to seeing from Miami: "I'll miss you Chad. Maybe you didn't have a rocket arm, and were missing some shoulder ligaments. But dammit, you were one stupid Herm Edwards call from going to the AFC Championship. Maybe when this is all over, we can get an apartment together." And even better was seeing the Post report that part of the reason Cowher didn't want to go to the Jets was that he didn't want Favre. So to recap, the Jets got rid of the second best QB in their history, for a quarterback who threw more interceptions than TDs and sabotaged the best coach we could have gotten.

One Man's Trash...

2008-12-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

Never more true has that old adage been than this NFL season in regards to Chad Pennington. Cast asunder one month before the season opener for the Living Legend Brett Favre, Chad was picked up by an old AFC rival, the Miami Dolphins. At the time, the move was analyzed as a strong positive for the J-E-T-S (JETS! JETS! JETS!), upgrading from the noodle armed Pennington to the old gun slinger.
At first glance, it was working out great for Gang Green as Favre returned to the form of his glory days. However after starting 8-3, the Jets could only muster a 9-7 finish. This ending was due mainly to Brett being Brett and looking like the old man who could no longer handle the harsh, cold ends of the NFL season. In the Jets 1-4 stretch run, Brett threw 9 INTs including three multi-INT games to end the year.
On the other end of the spectrum, you have a man given the dreaded tag as ‘game manager’. Pennington was near flawless to finish the season with only 1 INT through a 5-0 finish, having a passer rating over 100 in the final four. He even finished the season with a rating over 96 – his highest since 2002, his first year as a full time starter.
I suppose this is the time where I’m supposed to make my big point. Make some grandiose statement about what this means for the league. I don’t have one. In NY, Chad was tagged. They knew what he could do, they knew what he couldn’t do. At least that’s what they thought. Meanwhile, he moved down to Miami, where he doesn’t have to contend with the bitter winters. Then the Sparanos unveiled the Wildcat and you have RBs lining up in the shotgun, which was good enough to get the W versus New England. Now, the Fins are headed into the playoffs as the number 3 seed, hosting (and likely losing to) the Baltimore Ravens. Nevertheless, the Jets jettisoned a proven vet who’d worn out his welcome for an old man who no one knew was washed up until Thanksgiving.

Plax Packs Gats

2008-12-01T07:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12012008/news/regionalnews/plax_bid_to_keep_his_shot_in_dark_141709.htm?page=2

There are so many good morsels in there. I thought it was funny when I first heard about it. But now I'm reading and it just gets better. Antonio Pierce won't tell anyone what happened. The supposed third man was told the Plax was shot and can only muster, 'Oh really?' our of his phone convo before going right back to it. As if this were complete normalcy. But my personal favorite is the thought of Plaxico in a Lex Ave night club on a Friday night in sweats. Who is going to tuck a burner into sweats? Get a fucking deringer that'll fit into the pockets. Goddamn that dude is retarded. Big ups to the Big 10. Go Spartans!

America's Team?

2008-11-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3714369

Uh-Uh. No way. You're not going to feed me that humble as pie bullshit. Are you fucking serious? I'm supposed to buy this about this guy? 'Oh, hi. I'm Tony Homo. I do good things for good people.' I only hope it comes out that the homeless guy is homeless because he used to be a school teacher and he molested little children. Because that's what the Cowboys are. Everyone knows that the Raiders are ex-cons. And the Cowboys are child molesters. Especially Roger Fucking Staubach. To this day complains about losing to the Steelers in one of those Super Bowls. Are you serious? Get over it.
And half way down they say the he stopped to help a couple change a tire on the way home from opening day. Really? You know why he stopped? Because she had tits the size of Tijuana and he was a Cowboys fan. Which by definition means they were brother and sister. So big brother wanted his sister to have someone from outside the blood line inside her.
Fuck you and Jessica Simpson. Matter of fact she was molested too. By her father. If you think I'm kidding, check out some of the shit he's said about his daughter's tetas. Lemme guess, next we're going to find out that they are missionaries - not the position - and they've converted 39 little brown children to Methodism or some God awful snake handling Protestant church. Message to white people: let brown people be, they don't need salvation. Salvation won't help third world people achieve dinner. Cock suckers.
Speaking of cock suckers, I think Tom Landry molested collies. It's why he wore that hat. So the dogs wouldn't recognize him on game day and tell Timmy he's the reason they howl at the moon on Saturday nights.
And if you're a Cowboys fan ~ Attack! Attack! Attack! My left nutsack! Enjoy rooting for Homo while he's throwing another game in January for you. Jackasses...

CC Sa-bathe-in-cash-ia

2008-11-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

As attested by my consistent finishes in fantasy baseball over the life of the Horsemen league, I am far from an expert in the field of baseball. The proverbial diamond of baseball, if you will. But allow me to break thisdown for you by some of my basic tenets. Actually, there is no plural ~ that should read TENET...albeit with some addenda.
The AL is superior day in and day out to the NL. Yes, I know the NL has won the World Series recently - including this year by the Goddamn Phillies. I'm not saying that head to head the AL will win in a landslide everytime. But let's delve a little deeper into my reasoning.
PITCHERS SHOULDN'T HIT! I think I've explored this theorum previously, but now I'll apply to something a tad more pertinent. Namely, the Yankees and their offer to CC Sabathia. Pause for a moment if you will and digest this:
CC Sabathia was traded from Cleveland (AL) to Milwaukee (NL) on July 7.
His Milwaukee Stats: 11-2; 1.65 ERA.
In toto for 2008: 17-10; 2.70 ERA.
Assuming that the onliest people who've made it to this point of my dissertation are baseball people, you can do the math and see that CC had a tremendous 2nd half. You can also see he had it against the NL ~ where you have a guaranteed out at least once every three innings.
Now this is where it can get interesting--I invite any of my readership to show me a pitcher whose gone from the NL to the AL and succeeded. And by succeeded I mean be worthy of a contract greater than 6 years, $138M. Go ahead, I'll wait.
...
...

Oh that's right, this isnt interactive. I'll keep on looking for any comments wherein you blast me Peter North style for my statements above. Keep this in mind though. I don't hate the idea of Sabathia or Lowe or Burnett playing for the Bronx Bombers. I don't like the idea of them spending 9 figures on any of them. Lowe and Burnett are already over 30. Sabathia is only pushing 30. But he's also a danger to push 300 - pounds not wins.

I'm not 100% sure what my point is. Other than to say fuck baseball one more time. Then say how much I hate the Yankees when Sabathia signs that ginormous deal and moves into the nearest Old Country Buffet, working on the old Clemens circa 1994 weight watch plan. As in, I watch the weight pile on.

Goddamnit! Baseball is so slow!

All Hallow's Eve

2008-11-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

I know it’s mid-November but I still want to rehash my Halloween for you…
I was in the Burgh that night and I started out on 8th Ave handing out candy to the ninos in the neighborhood. MJ was the great pumpkin and he was a fierce pumpkin. The kid loves picking up Pop’s cane. He already knows what to do with a weapon, his daddy’s proud. Banana and Summation were Bo Peep and a sheep. Summ was so cute as a sheep. It was even cute when she started throwing a tantrum cuz she was so damn tired…
Then the real fun began. I went to the Univ of Pittsburgh to chill with Morty for the night. My brother as you may or may not know is like 6-6, 6-7…fucking tall for the rest of the world. He also has a terrible Jew Fro – this despite not being Jewish. So he bought a white head band and colored orange stripes on each end and went as Jackie Moon. He had his white Nike shorts rolled up and they were waaaaaaaayyyyyy too short – it was awesome.
I went as Jesus Christ. Because it’s awesome. All night long everyone was recognizing me and taking photos. If you’re on myface or spacebook and you see random people with Jesus from Halloween, there’s a decent chance it’s me. Morty was pissed at first because as we go walking down the street, I changed my gait and all night long I walked slowly with my hands folded in front of me. I tried to keep a peaceful look on my face under the beard all night. I thought it was awesome. He did too eventually but at first he was pissed that I was walking so slow.
We first go to one bar and split a pitcher, checking out the scene. I went to check out the up stairs portion and there was a live band so they tried to charge a cover. I asked the bouncer if he could let the son of man in for free and he told me he was an atheist. I instantly smote him.
Up next was a bar on the next block, which I found out later is notorious for shootings. We entered the main portion to an empty house, rifled down a shot and split a pitcher and went to the side with the dance floor. The people in costumes were surrounding the DJ booth. Morty and I made our way up there.
As we got there, the DJ announced a dance competition. We stood in the circle for the cipher and there were some terrible dancers, but there was a blue care bear with the lit belly who was doing the old rave moves from the mid-90s who had some decent rhythm. I let the anticipation build around me and everyone started to chant for their savior by name. the DJ called me into the middle. I walked slowly, then came to life doing every move I’ve ever seen in a music video. I think I even did a lil ‘Crazy in Love’ (just for you amor…).
Then they called in my brother. He looked at me with more fear than I’ve ever seen in him. A whiter man I hath never lain eyes upon. It was bad. It was so bad that he made the semis along with me and the care bear. So we start the semis and Morty is up first. this time around, he strode to the center with a confidence that was a high as his fear the round before. He gets to the middle. And he starts to stretch. It was a piece of comedic genius on his part. They proceeded to boo the ever loving shit out of him. Up next was the Care Bear and it was more of the same. I thought he’d come back with some pop lock but it was just mid-90’s rave moves. I’m up again. To a chorus of ‘Jesus! Jesus!’ chants again. I again bust out more music video moves. I did a lil motorcycle, took it up town for a shake, then brushed the dirt off to the Care Bear and his crew who was now booing me, in the greatest sign of hateration since Pilate sentenced the original Me in the days of yore. The DJ stops it and informs everyone that Morty was eliminated and Jesus and the Care Bear were to come out face to face for a dance off.
The music started and I was still again while the Care Bear went back to the well one more time. I let him go for a minute then when I started getting my chants again, I hit a lil Dwight Howard heart beat to match the rhythm just to get moving. The care bear presented and was grinding his bulbous buttocks against his savior. So I took it down low and started spanking him to the beat which got everyone laughing. The DJ asked the Care Bear to stop and let me go. He didn’t oblige but he moved away and I went back to music video moves. His boys called me out on doing the same shit – which I found funny for the aforementioned reasons. Then the DJ switched it up to Pitbull and I started some Salsa-esque Cha-Cha moves that brought the house down. Because how many times do you see your savior gyrating like a modern day Ricky Ricardo?
They proceed to announce the winner as I head for the nearest stool as I am completely out of breath and feeling like I’m going to vomit. Mid-stride the DJ announce me as the winner and I am to come to the booth to claim my prize. They awarded me a Miller Lite snowboard. On my way to the booth, I asked the Care Bear if he snow boarded, cuz Dad knows my black ass doesn’t do winter sports. He did so I said I’d give it to him. Some bitchy waitress stops me to ask if I even snowboarded. I smote her as well. I asked the DJ for the mike and have no clue what I said then gave the board to the Care Bear. In hindsight, I should have said ‘I can walk on water but I cannot glide upon snow’. But something else came out.
So there’s some douche bag at Pitt with my trophy, probably telling Jesus’ ass in a dance competition. I don’t care because I got a great story, I don’t need the board to justify what happened that night. There is more from the night, but this is long enough for now.

On the Cam-pain Trail '08

2008-10-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

Sarah 'I'm only here because the GOP wants the Hillary Rodham votes' Palin has been travelling the country side dropping the ceremonial puck at various NHL venues. Her latest was at a St Louis - LA game. Being of the noble class, she and her family automatically get things the rest of us don't. For instance, they rolled out a red carpet for het from the bench to the ice so she wouldn't fall. Nevermind the fact that Ms. IOHBTGOPWTHRV is from fucking Alaska and talks like Martin Short and Dave Thomas [NOT the burger guy] on SCTV.
So with the carpet down, the St. Louis Blues take the ice. On their way through the tunnel, the players are warned that there is a carpet down. That doesn't preclude the goalie stepping awkwardly from stepping on the end, causing it to slide and him to bust his ass. Manny Legace is fresh off an All Star season and looking for the Blues to make the leap - and by leap I mean get out the basement and at least START walking up the stairs. Manolo said he felt a tweak and hoped it'd be temporary. After giving up 2 goals on 12 shots in the first period, ManLegend pulls himself and ends up with a hip injury. His reaction, "She's been pretty good for our game, eh. I'm starting to like her more and more. No grudge, eh." [Ed's. Note: Dylan may or may not have added the eh's.] I don't even know how to feel about that reaction. I did feel the need though to delve into potential reactions from other athletes around the sporting world.
Generic NBA - Did you know n!&&@s is playin' hockey now? That's some fucked up shit. I guess they might be smartest though cuz the audience is predominately white. Easier access to white bitches. Good call, yo...
Stephen Jackson (GSW not SLR)- Kraka ass kraka gettin me hurt and shit...That bitch does it again, I'ma go JO on her ass. Dap that bitch up on my way down coz...
Generic NFL - How do you expect me to feel pain when I'm so many uppers, pain killers and muscle relaxers that Heath Ledger is jealous???
Shawne Merriman - AHHHHHHHHHHHH! LIGHTS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tiger Woods - He left the game because of a hip tweak? I won the US Open with a torn ACL. Hockey is a sport only sissies would engage in...What's that? ... I recommend your 1-Iron for this drive. Aim slightly to the left and play the uphill side of that bunker 300 yards away on a dogleg.
Generic MLB - No hablo ingles...
Dusty Baker - The lighter skinneded guys like the colder weather better...
Having said all that, it's time to wrap this shit up. I hope everyone was thoroughly offended/entertained. I'm hoping to check back in the next two weeks with a political joint. I promise to break it down Dr. Jack-style. And if you didn't see the eventual barb at the dead guy, you don't know me well enough.

PS - sticking with the theme of the deceased; if you EVER think there's a chance where I won't up a hero of mines via recycling or flippin , you must be new here. RIP HST...

Funeral for a friend

2008-10-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

I looked up this morning and noted that there was an old friend who had been neglecting me. Once, we had a special relationship - no not like that. But this was someone who I could always count on. Going back to our college days he was there for me. Even if I only saw him on some Saturdays or the occasional Thursday night out. It always made me feel better being around him for those scant few hours. Then we'd retreat our separate ways.
Then college ended and we started seeing less of each other. I didn't like the people he was running with. Though - they seemed successful so I didn't interfere and mess up his future with a great organization like that. Then there was some scanalous behavior and this friend came through the other side unscathed. His boss wasn't so lucky, but still they pressed on and were doing great until recently.
They started with some turbulence earlier this year, things leveled off for him, then tragedy struck right before the stock market started its wild fluctuations. I stuck with him through it all, but I just can't do it anymore. It's hurting me personally to see him stuck in this situation. Management was in a position to utilize him to maximum potential, yet they continue to defer to the old system and the office head case. I just KNOW after this fall's events that it's nearly time for the head case to regress and cause tension for everyone there. I just can't watch it. I can't take it anymore.
So this morning, I quietly cut ties with him. As I did so, I couldn't help but think of all the good times. All the times, we hung out and he made me laugh. He mainly made others look stupid though sometimes he bit it hard, but it was always entertaining for me. I thought about his chain and how it used to make me and Barnes LOL, ROFL and LLWHLSWWLG. We used to sit there, everytime we were out and saw him. Or whenever his name came up in conversation - which it did frequently during the good times. Right out loud. Right in the middle of the bar or whever we were at the time - KOOL-AID!
I dropped Laurence Maroney this morning from all THREE of my fantasy teams. It felt like a little piece of me just died inside. But it had to be done. He had 8 points in two and 3 in the other. Not last week, but for the entire season. Ugh. Well I'll always be there for ya kid. I'll always look on and root for ya. Even though you play for the evil Darth SonyHD, I'll always pull for you to have a good day. But I just can't take it anymore. OH NO!

PS - LLWHLSWWLG = Laughed Like We Haven't Laughed Since We Were Little Girls....

NBA 09

2008-10-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

No not the cock diesel Tony Longoria version...but the NBA season is fast approaching and I felt the need to get back in the swing of things by throwing down with hoops in this here corner of the interweb. I’ve compiled a few random thoughts broken down by division as I see fit. And I’m anxiously awaiting the Barney preview as I’m sure are all of you. So without further ado…
Atlantic
NYK – A fast break coach with scant few fast break guys. I’m hoping Duhon can put it together and run the system. I’m not hoping to see either Curry or Z-Bo have a nipple slip while in ‘transition’.
Bos – I’m not convinced the old men will last another hundo. Employee number 34 will continue to be the best player on the court most any time he suits up and the Ticket will do his thing because he plays like a child. A child who makes over a Hun Mill, but a child nonetheless…Ray Ray won’t last. Too many miles. Congrats on your rings.
Philly – EB42? I like. I’ma wait to see how it all plays out with him and AI Jr.
Central
Cle – Two years away from Bronnie going to Russia until Jay has the Nets established in BK.
Det – Has that window closed yet? Doubtful. But is it really open? No, but the Central is weak outside of the James Gang.
Ind – Dealt JO but held on to Austin Croshere? Then added Roy Hibbert. NEXT!
Chi – Vinnie Del Negro? I hope Scotty Skiles and Bucks outpace Reinsdorf’s Rubes.
Southeast
MIA – After watching Mr. Falldownseventimesgetupeight in international play this summer, I’m intrigued to see what they can do on south beach with the Matrix and the Beeze. And I’ll be buying my tickets for the Dec 28th Mia @ Cle game as soon as they come available to the public.
Was – are they really starting the season with injuries? They didn’t even wait for Halloween to come and go. Well, at least they still have DeShawn Stevenson…
Orl – Superman and the Justice League should make a leap this year. SHOULD. We’ll see if they can put it together under SVG. (He really should come out and do Rob Van Dam’s old entrance, including the spinning heel kick at center court then everyone pauses and screams S! V! G! – I love the VanGundy’s)
Northwest
Den – do you think this will be the year AI + Melo put it together? Yea, me neither. Good job giving up that interior D in one move. At least they have the Birdman + my boy Kenyon. Though I am glad to see Smush still in the L…
Por – Dr. Oden, DDS will finally suit up. here’s to hoping he doesn’t replicate the first few years of Z’s career. But I am excited to see if their young’ns can build off last year. I think they’re good for 50 this year.
OKC – I’ve never rooted for a budding star to wreck his knee but Clay Bandit deserves it.
Southwest
NO – has an uphill climb with the Texas Trilogy in division.
SAS – I’ma put ‘em on ice cuz of Manu’s ankle and the sheer number of games they’ve played over the past 3, 5, hell 10 years. David Robinson is still fucking tired…no he’s not, who am I kidding, that dude is in better shape than Jesus and he doesn’t have to stop and talk to all those needy mother fuckers…
Hou – RonRon is the integral piece of a team that is trying to get over the hump and win a playoff series. I predict at some point the Tru Warier will slap TMac’s eye straight. Further more, I predict that Yao will not play an entire season. AGAIN.
Dal – Not 50. Scrape for 45. No post season.
Mem – Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Seattle Supersonics. Welcome to Key Arena!
Pacific
LAL – Pissed off Kobe still can’t win the big one alone. Pau is not the savior in the West. How my ass taste?
PHX – See Dal. Then replace 45 with 40. Apparently not so good…
GS – See Phx. Then replace 40 with 35.
LAC – I’d say see GS then replace 35 with 30 after EB42 bizzounced, but BD makes them interesting. And maybe they can salvage Shaun Livingston’s career. Then again maybe the fighting will cease in Jerusalem…